Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Contest Winners & Other Ways to Make Yourself Feel Good

Mini-E has his serious "I'm going to pick winners!" game-face on.
Also, I take terrible pictures. And should probably learn to use Excel.

Sooooo originally I was only going to announce the winners of "The First and Last Twitarded Holiday Giant Box of Dildos Give-Away" in the comments of the original post, but even though I know you guys hang on every single word we write, it came to my attention that not everyone had paid attention to that plan. As in, other people who write for this blog [cough*JennyJerkface*cough] started asking me yesterday afternoon what my plans were for writing another post - last night - about the winners. After clearing the air and reminding "everyone" that the contest was open until midnight last night and blah-blah-blah, I decided that I needed to change tactics and maybe do things on a slightly grander scale than I'd originally intended...

I need to start by saying that everyone who hasn't read the comments on the contest post needs to go and do that IMMEDIATELY because they are fucking h-y-s-t-e-r-i-c-a-l. Even though I didn't demand that you spill the beans about your most intimate sex-toy mishaps, you gave them to me. Boy howdy did you! And they are worth their weight in gilded dildos. Trust.

All of you frequent-lurkers came out of the Twi-closet and showed yourselves - we hope to see more of you! Don't go wasting those good Twilighty names you made up, people! Share the love here more often, ok???

That said, here in no particular order are the lucky winners of the Eden Fantasys goodie-bags (and their comments)!

1. Dot
Me- "guess what dh? I just won a BOD's from Twitarded"

DH- "God Bless Us EVERYONE!"

What a great Monday treat!

Dot :)
2. mostly a lurker
Oh please, pick me! I came out of lurkdom to throw my hat in the ring (he he he).

Got no funny awkward story cause I got not toy, nor a toy boy, nor a SO, nor hubs. Involuntary celibacy = no fun. I've been a good h00r, giving so many toys to friends I have none left for me!

Giant box of dildos ftmfw!

Unequivocally, the top of my Christmas wish list.

Btw, my word was whisla. Yeah, I'm a whistler for sure. It must be fate! ;-D

Who do I need to suck, bribe, or do body shots with to win?
3. leidyinca
OOOOHHHHHH!!! Me me me!!!!!
I would love some new stuff to play with. Husband deployed, help.
4. theRugbymom
Does the inspirational picture come with the goodie bag? [No. sorry.]

Congratulations! Please email me your address (to SnarkierThanYou@gmail.com) in the next 48 hours so I can get this stuff outta my house! Dot and leidyinca, do something to prove to me that you are not a minor, m'kay? mostly a lurker, we're good. I have my methods. If that mystery fifth bag magically reappears somewhere or someone doesn't get in touch with me, I'll let you know! But I think the postman may have gotten away with this one...

We hope Santa brings something awesome for the rest of you! I think that jolly old elf blanched a little when I asked for "The Rabbit" but it might have just been because I was on his lap and should probably consider laying off the cookies as soon as possible.

In the segue to end all segues, I want to talk about something that has absolutely, positively nothing to do with dildos, vibrators, massage-oil candles, or economy-size bottles of lube. But it WILL make you feel nearly as good about yourself as all of that stuff. In a very different way. Ok, people - time to get our collective heads out of our panties and think with our heads and hearts for a few moments...

You all know I have a massive girl-crush on The Bloggess. At BlogHer, I wanted to go all "The Bodyguard" with her - she could be the Whitney Houston to my Kevin Costner. Other than the fact that I am the biggest scaredy cat on the planet and would need someone to come and rescue both of us if more than five people gathered around, this would be a perfect plan. The Bloggess has made me laugh, and she's made me cry. Sometime at the same time. And today, she reminded me why I adore her. Not that I needed reminding, but still. Go read this - and read the comments. The world is a better place because people like her are in it. Which sounds like a hokey pile of shit, but it's totally true. I have no idea where she came up with the "Like Mother Teresa, Only Better" thing, but...

In a nutshell, Jenny (the Bloggess) took her proceeds from the James Garfield cards she made on Zazzle [I hate Zazzle with a burning passion because of the many times they have wrongly deleted Twitarded's merchandise, but I'm calling a temporary truce here] and offered it to readers in need in the form of $30 gift cards at Amazon.com. I'm not going to lie: when I was reading her post, I initially was thinking that $30 probably wouldn't make a difference in anyone's life, really. But then as I read people's comments, I realized that I was wrong. Completely. It CAN make a difference. It will.

It was love at first sight for the Bloggess and James Garfield. Can you blame her?

My office used to do a "help needy children" drive back in the day - there would be names of children on candy canes, and you would pick a candy cane (which would have the name and age of the child) and buy them a present. Then we had a drive to help one needy family. And now we do nothing. I like giving back. I'm not rich. By a long-shot. But sometimes I have to be reminded of how many people are struggling to really count my blessings, especially in a year as difficult as this one has been. In my recent online wanderings, I came across a suggestion that one way to honor/remember a loved one who has passed away is to donate the money that you would have otherwise spent on their Christmas (or holiday) present to someone else, or to a worthy cause. This made perfect sense to me, and I am doing it.

I know that a lot of people out there are struggling to make ends meet. I get it. But if you have $30 to spare, it really CAN make a big difference in someone's life. Please email jenny@thebloggess.com and let her know you want to help! She's working on a spreadsheet to match donors and recipients, so ultimately, you will be able to send an Amazon gift card directly to someone who needs it. It might not be the same end-result "feel-good feeling" that you would get from a well-placed battery-operated um..."personal massager," but it will leave you almost as glowy. It's a scientific fact that donating stuff triggers similar endorphin release. Or something like that.

It will feel like this... OK, it will feel close to this. Maybe.
(This level of euphoria may take more than $30 to achieve...)

I know that this is probably the strangest way possible to wrap up a post about sex toys, but hey - we're different here at Twitarded.

30 comments:

  1. Congrats bitches...so jealous! ;)

    xoxo J

    ReplyDelete
  2. still looking for my vampDecember 16, 2010 at 12:27 AM

    Hey STY,

    First, congrats to the winners. I have been hitting reload here for 20 minutes to see if I won the goodie bag!

    As far as Jenny the Bloggess goes, I read her post today, and the comments left me a wet mess, and not in the usual way a good picture of Rob does. I never thought $30 would make a difference either, and after those comments, I immediately offered to buy a gift card. NOT tooting my own here AT ALL, just saying to some, $30 is the difference between Christmas and no Christmas. I too am not rich, but I can spare $30 to make sure a family has Christmas.

    Again, congrats to the winners, and *enjoy* your goodies. Especially you, @leidyinca. With the hubby deployed, you need it. And thank you both for your sacrifices. I love our military.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congrats to the winners! I was gonna be bummed if I didn't win, but ya know what? I'm ok because I got my little goody in the mail today from the givaway I won over at www.misstejota.com :)

    You guys are so awesome to help out those who are struggling financially. I The Bloggess' post earlier today and commented on it saying basically the same thing I will say here. Truthfully I can barely afford to pay my bills and I'm not going to buy my family anything good for christmas this year (I don't have kids and I'm pretty sure my parents and siblings will be fine with little presents haha). Things are tight because I was got cut from full time to part time for almost a year. Luckily now I'm back up to full time so that's good. But I have a roof over my head, food in kitchen and warm clothing so compared to others, I'm doing great and try my hardest not to complain.

    If I could donate and help out with this, I would but unfortunately I can't. Instead, I will do what I can by taking some of my spare warm clothes over to homeless shelters and drop some change in the donation jars at the grocery store. I ask that even those of you who can't help out much do the same.

    Once again thank you STY, JJ, LKW, and TK for helping others out. You may all be foul mouthed h00rs but you all have hearts of gold and those reasons, among thousands of others, are why we love you so hardcore.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Congrats to the winners!
    I saw that post on the Bloggess and was floored by her generosity. Anyone who has the money to spare should head over there and contribute. It's really an awesome idea.

    V/V--boarr. THAT IS FREAKY!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. PS Just saw the use of the word "Boy Howdy." JJ might like to know that my Mom and I use that term to describe a huge satisfying poop. We'll call eachother and say "hey, I just had a boy howdy, jealous?"

    Yup, we're weird that like.

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  6. CONGRATS WIENERS! Enjoy your boxes of....Wieners!

    I saw The Bloggess' post and it.is.awesome. I work for/with a center for at-risk children and their families, and the "giving trees" this year were amazing. We were closed Tues/Wed to wrap and distribute the gifts to the families. So much happy sappy crying I thought I might have gotten my virginity back.

    ...Point is, I see how much $30 can do everyday. The holiday season just brings it to the forefront. I've already donated as much as I can afford to the kids/families I work with, and to the March of Dimes (YAY FANDOM FOR PREEMIES!). If I had any extra $$, I would be there in a second.

    ReplyDelete
  7. OMG!!! I won! I'm completely gobsmacked! I'm completely stunned. Omg. I. Have. No. Words.

    *some time and many deep breaths later* I have had such an unbelievably shitty year, and right here at the very end, I am being so blessed from the oddest and most surprising places. Thank you. I... I wish I had more/better words than thank you, they seem so lame, and they're all I have. Thank you.

    I've felt less than human for so long, you just don't know what this means to me. (though I am unbelievably curious how you know anything about me....)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Congrats to the winners. I KNOW they're going to enjoy their gift, pmsl.

    ReplyDelete
  9. @Twired Jen - are you sure we're not related? Shitting is VERY important in our family. :D

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love this blog so freaking much; haven't been here very long, but I've never laughed so hard since I've discovered it, and now you make me all teary, and not from laughing so hard that I literally ache....I know it may be hard to believe, but I'd never heard of The Bloggess until this post (I'm SOOOO LTP with all of this stuff), but if you guys like her, then I like her....I read her post and the comments brought me to tears....we are not rich by any means, and many months the electric or water bill gets shoved aside for some other bill, but my hubs and I both have full-time jobs and our kids will have a very nice Christmas. It is so humbling to see how much $30 can mean to someone who really needs it. Reminded me yet again how blessed, and how shallow, I am sometimes. Every year we pick a couple names off of the angel tree at the kids' school, and every year there are more names than the year before. People are hurting, and there's no time like the holidays to make that hurt feel even deeper when you can't provide a toy for your kid. Thank you for helping out, and providing a way for others to help out; you are some foul-mouthed, sick, twisted, sweet, and caring h00rs!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Only at Twitarded can you give away a basket of sex toys and in the same breath bring grown women to tears by getting all mushy. I love you guys.

    I read the post and comments over at The Bloggess. Love what she's doing - and some of those comments are just gut-wrenching. Thank you for shedding some light on these wonderful people in need. xoxoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  12. Giant box of dildoes and helping the needy: it's all very worthy. But Water for Elephants trailer? Please discuss.

    ReplyDelete
  13. What is the world coming to? Yesterday the Bloggess made me cry, today it's the Twitards! Must be the time of year...or just the awesome bloggy generosity...or I'm just sad I'm not a winner (I mean "congratulations";)

    ReplyDelete
  14. It is all about giving - whether it is a sex toy, $30 or just a smile to a stranger, it is all important and what makes the world an incredible place.

    I for one will definitely head over to The Bloggess and donate $30to help a needy family but STY I would also like to donate $30 to The American Heart Association in memory of your mother.

    I would also like to add that there are people in need every day and if you don't have the money right now then consider donating in the middle of the summer when I am sure less people are thinking about making donations.

    We all give in our own ways and sometimes just a funny post is a perfect way to give to someone else - laughter is always the best medicine :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. @Dangrdafne - omg! you are the sweetest person i have ever met. period. you just made me burst into tears! in a good way - thank you for being so thoughtful, and generous - i really just felt my heart swell a bit. it never ceases to amaze me that i have met so many wonderful people through twilight. mwah!!! with i could give you a big hug!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Congrats winners! You lucky, lucky biotches.

    I will read the Bloggess' blog for sure. I finally got my act in gear the last couple months and turned my perpetual thought of 'I should really start volunteering' into action. I joined up with a local group and started getting involved. Most recently I was on potato duty prepping dishes with Meals on Wheels. Just a few hours of my time, means 700+ people get a meal on Christmas. I mean, how cool is that?? Even if you don't have the extra $$ to donate, give someone your time. It costs you nothing and you get so much back in return.

    And just to bring this full circle, enjoy your box o' dil-dos twatwaffles!

    ReplyDelete
  17. wooo! Those ladies deserve it!
    I'm so glad you posted about the bloggess too. I've been following her ever since you guys talked about her the first time.
    love you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  18. HEY WINNERS!!! Congrats! We know what you all will be doing come Christmas morning! LOL!

    On another note. Every year I try to pick two tags off of my workplace's giving tree. This year I almost cried when I started looking at all of them. On our tree this year they added senior citizens as well as children. I got one for a gentelman that just wanted shaving cartridges for his razor. The other wanted oil paints & paintbrushes. I also make sure every year to re-up my monthly auto withdrawl for Seattle Children's Hospital. Knowing you are giving other people some sort of happiness really does make you feel all warm & squishy inside. Every small act counts. Love all you wonderful ladies!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm a somewhat frequent commenter but I'm going anonymous on this one b/c I don't want it to look like I'm telling a sob story for attention.

    My 17 year old brother passed away two days after Christmas it will be seven years ago this year. I was a senior in college at the time. We have honored him every year since by donating what we would have spent on gifts for him in his name and it is SUCH a great way to honor his memory b/c unlike most people who are kinda-selfish-cause-you-don't-know-any-better assholes at that age (uhhh...I know I was) he was so not. He was actually selfless and not in that bullshit way that Edward thinks Bella is selfless. (Give me a break, Edward. Selfless and Clueless are not synonyms. I have one word for you,maybe more: multiple rejected proposals.)

    Our Christmases will forever be bittersweet and it's just one way we try to make it a little more sweet and a little less bitter.

    "Enough with the heavy."

    Happy Holidays, fellow hoors!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Congrats to the winners! Yea to 'mostly a lurker' who once had no toys but now has a bag 'o goodies to play with. @mostly a lurker - I'm guessing we won't be hearing from you for a while since you'll soon have other (eh hem) stuff to do. Enjoy!

    I saw Jenny's post yesterday and thought it was so incredibly sweet and selfless of her. She's a sassy bitch with a heart of platinum ('cause e'ryone knows platinum is better than gold y'all). Just like the Twitards that run this show.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Holy holy shit! I won something! You girls must bring me all the luck, because I also came away from Foooorrrrrks with THE BEST prize! [Red Bella has been so patient with me - I'm still trying to select a picture!]

    I just served my DH with a petition for divorce the other day, so new sex toys couldn't come at a more opportune time for me! Imma get right on that as soon as the package arrives! [Um. Will it come in a plain brown wrapper? Not that it really matters. I have all my other sex toys delivered to my office. I figure if the young interns mistakenly open a personal package for me, they will be more embarrassed than me!]

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The smile on my face right now is THIS BIG!

    Now I'm off to see what The Blogess did today.

    Thanks!

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  22. My kids were staring at me in the living room like I was an idiot. Because I was dancing around the room singing " Oh my gosh I won." Oh well, I only live once. I am an old house wife, and nothing exciting happens to me, except my 5 year old son yells from the bathroom "MOM!!! I need to be wiped!!!!" Thank you, thank you, many thanks for the laughs, tears, and you had me at Edward UNDIES.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Congrats to all you lucky winners! Yeah, those sex toy mishap stories were hysterical indeed!

    ReplyDelete
  24. OK Hookers! If you want the deets about what exactly was in my GBoD, hop over to theTwitter and check it out. I don't think you have to follow me or anything. Just look for TheRugbymom.

    Of course, I'm pretty Twiter-illeritarate, so I could be wrong. Anyway - the details were shared this afternoon. SWEET!

    Thanks sooooo much Snarky, Jenny, Latchkey Wife, and Texas Katherine! Merry Christmas! buzzzzzzzzzz!

    ReplyDelete
  25. @Dangrdafne - omg! you are the sweetest person i have ever met. period. you just made me burst into tears! in a good way - thank you for being so thoughtful, and generous - i really just felt my heart swell a bit. it never ceases to amaze me that i have met so many wonderful people through twilight. mwah!!! with i could give you a big hug!

    ReplyDelete
  26. wooo! Those ladies deserve it!
    I'm so glad you posted about the bloggess too. I've been following her ever since you guys talked about her the first time.
    love you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Giant box of dildoes and helping the needy: it's all very worthy. But Water for Elephants trailer? Please discuss.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I love this blog so freaking much; haven't been here very long, but I've never laughed so hard since I've discovered it, and now you make me all teary, and not from laughing so hard that I literally ache....I know it may be hard to believe, but I'd never heard of The Bloggess until this post (I'm SOOOO LTP with all of this stuff), but if you guys like her, then I like her....I read her post and the comments brought me to tears....we are not rich by any means, and many months the electric or water bill gets shoved aside for some other bill, but my hubs and I both have full-time jobs and our kids will have a very nice Christmas. It is so humbling to see how much $30 can mean to someone who really needs it. Reminded me yet again how blessed, and how shallow, I am sometimes. Every year we pick a couple names off of the angel tree at the kids' school, and every year there are more names than the year before. People are hurting, and there's no time like the holidays to make that hurt feel even deeper when you can't provide a toy for your kid. Thank you for helping out, and providing a way for others to help out; you are some foul-mouthed, sick, twisted, sweet, and caring h00rs!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Congrats to the winners! I was gonna be bummed if I didn't win, but ya know what? I'm ok because I got my little goody in the mail today from the givaway I won over at www.misstejota.com :)

    You guys are so awesome to help out those who are struggling financially. I The Bloggess' post earlier today and commented on it saying basically the same thing I will say here. Truthfully I can barely afford to pay my bills and I'm not going to buy my family anything good for christmas this year (I don't have kids and I'm pretty sure my parents and siblings will be fine with little presents haha). Things are tight because I was got cut from full time to part time for almost a year. Luckily now I'm back up to full time so that's good. But I have a roof over my head, food in kitchen and warm clothing so compared to others, I'm doing great and try my hardest not to complain.

    If I could donate and help out with this, I would but unfortunately I can't. Instead, I will do what I can by taking some of my spare warm clothes over to homeless shelters and drop some change in the donation jars at the grocery store. I ask that even those of you who can't help out much do the same.

    Once again thank you STY, JJ, LKW, and TK for helping others out. You may all be foul mouthed h00rs but you all have hearts of gold and those reasons, among thousands of others, are why we love you so hardcore.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!