Also, I take terrible pictures. And should probably learn to use Excel.
Sooooo originally I was only going to announce the winners of "The First and Last Twitarded Holiday Giant Box of Dildos Give-Away" in the comments of the original post, but even though I know you guys hang on every single word we write, it came to my attention that not everyone had paid attention to that plan. As in, other people who write for this blog [cough*JennyJerkface*cough] started asking me yesterday afternoon what my plans were for writing another post - last night - about the winners. After clearing the air and reminding "everyone" that the contest was open until midnight last night and blah-blah-blah, I decided that I needed to change tactics and maybe do things on a slightly grander scale than I'd originally intended...
I need to start by saying that everyone who hasn't read the comments on the contest post needs to go and do that IMMEDIATELY because they are fucking h-y-s-t-e-r-i-c-a-l. Even though I didn't demand that you spill the beans about your most intimate sex-toy mishaps, you gave them to me. Boy howdy did you! And they are worth their weight in gilded dildos. Trust.
All of you frequent-lurkers came out of the Twi-closet and showed yourselves - we hope to see more of you! Don't go wasting those good Twilighty names you made up, people! Share the love here more often, ok???
That said, here in no particular order are the lucky winners of the Eden Fantasys goodie-bags (and their comments)!
Me- "guess what dh? I just won a BOD's from Twitarded"2. mostly a lurker
DH- "God Bless Us EVERYONE!"
What a great Monday treat!
Oh please, pick me! I came out of lurkdom to throw my hat in the ring (he he he).3. leidyinca
Got no funny awkward story cause I got not toy, nor a toy boy, nor a SO, nor hubs. Involuntary celibacy = no fun. I've been a good h00r, giving so many toys to friends I have none left for me!
Giant box of dildos ftmfw!
Unequivocally, the top of my Christmas wish list.
Btw, my word was whisla. Yeah, I'm a whistler for sure. It must be fate! ;-D
Who do I need to suck, bribe, or do body shots with to win?
OOOOHHHHHH!!! Me me me!!!!!4. theRugbymom
I would love some new stuff to play with. Husband deployed, help.
Does the inspirational picture come with the goodie bag? [No. sorry.]
Congratulations! Please email me your address (to SnarkierThanYou@gmail.com) in the next 48 hours so I can get this stuff outta my house! Dot and leidyinca, do something to prove to me that you are not a minor, m'kay? mostly a lurker, we're good. I have my methods. If that mystery fifth bag magically reappears somewhere or someone doesn't get in touch with me, I'll let you know! But I think the postman may have gotten away with this one...
We hope Santa brings something awesome for the rest of you! I think that jolly old elf blanched a little when I asked for "The Rabbit" but it might have just been because I was on his lap and should probably consider laying off the cookies as soon as possible.
In the segue to end all segues, I want to talk about something that has absolutely, positively nothing to do with dildos, vibrators, massage-oil candles, or economy-size bottles of lube. But it WILL make you feel nearly as good about yourself as all of that stuff. In a very different way. Ok, people - time to get our collective heads out of our panties and think with our heads and hearts for a few moments...
You all know I have a massive girl-crush on The Bloggess. At BlogHer, I wanted to go all "The Bodyguard" with her - she could be the Whitney Houston to my Kevin Costner. Other than the fact that I am the biggest scaredy cat on the planet and would need someone to come and rescue both of us if more than five people gathered around, this would be a perfect plan. The Bloggess has made me laugh, and she's made me cry. Sometime at the same time. And today, she reminded me why I adore her. Not that I needed reminding, but still. Go read this - and read the comments. The world is a better place because people like her are in it. Which sounds like a hokey pile of shit, but it's totally true. I have no idea where she came up with the "Like Mother Teresa, Only Better" thing, but...
In a nutshell, Jenny (the Bloggess) took her proceeds from the James Garfield cards she made on Zazzle [I hate Zazzle with a burning passion because of the many times they have wrongly deleted Twitarded's merchandise, but I'm calling a temporary truce here] and offered it to readers in need in the form of $30 gift cards at Amazon.com. I'm not going to lie: when I was reading her post, I initially was thinking that $30 probably wouldn't make a difference in anyone's life, really. But then as I read people's comments, I realized that I was wrong. Completely. It CAN make a difference. It will.
My office used to do a "help needy children" drive back in the day - there would be names of children on candy canes, and you would pick a candy cane (which would have the name and age of the child) and buy them a present. Then we had a drive to help one needy family. And now we do nothing. I like giving back. I'm not rich. By a long-shot. But sometimes I have to be reminded of how many people are struggling to really count my blessings, especially in a year as difficult as this one has been. In my recent online wanderings, I came across a suggestion that one way to honor/remember a loved one who has passed away is to donate the money that you would have otherwise spent on their Christmas (or holiday) present to someone else, or to a worthy cause. This made perfect sense to me, and I am doing it.
I know that a lot of people out there are struggling to make ends meet. I get it. But if you have $30 to spare, it really CAN make a big difference in someone's life. Please email firstname.lastname@example.org and let her know you want to help! She's working on a spreadsheet to match donors and recipients, so ultimately, you will be able to send an Amazon gift card directly to someone who needs it. It might not be the same end-result "feel-good feeling" that you would get from a well-placed battery-operated um..."personal massager," but it will leave you almost as glowy. It's a scientific fact that donating stuff triggers similar endorphin release. Or something like that.
It will feel like this... OK, it will feel close to this. Maybe.
(This level of euphoria may take more than $30 to achieve...)
(This level of euphoria may take more than $30 to achieve...)
I know that this is probably the strangest way possible to wrap up a post about sex toys, but hey - we're different here at Twitarded.