Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear Santa... I've Been A Good Girl... Er, Sort Of.

Dear Santa,

I am writing to you this Christmas to let you know that I've been a very good girl this year and I have a few things on my list I'm hoping you can help me with. And yes, I did write that first sentence with a straight face because I don't know what you've been hearing from your elves, but I have been a good girl and any evidence that might suggest otherwise is false and probably planted by Jenny Jerkface because let's face it... she hasn't been a very good girl this year and she's probably trying to deflect all the badness onto me. Not sure why...I'm never anything but nice to her. Now that I've got that off my chest, let's get on with the important stuff. My list.

1. Snowshoes: You know it gets pretty snowy here in Maine and since I've made the decision to give skiing the finger this year, I've decided I need some new winter hobbies. I figure snowshoeing might be a good one to try. I also would like to try snowmobiling but I thought that asking you to carry one in your sleigh might be too taxing on the reindeer. I mean, for fuck's sake, they're already hauling your fat ass around all night. And I'm not saying that to be mean so please don't throw this letter away. I'm just saying maybe if you dropped a few pounds, you could fit some bigger gifts in the sleigh.


2. A puppy: I know, I know, I ask for a puppy every year it seems but maybe if you would just fucking listen to me and bring me the damn dog, I'd be able to cross it off my list. And I'm not interested in some gah damn stuffed puppy from that stupid misfit island like you brought me last year. I want a real, living, breathing, pooping [just preferably not on my rug] puppy. Just make sure to poke some holes in the box this time around... remember that kitten mishap when I was 7? You still owe me for the years of therapy to get that image out of my head. Bring the dog and we're even.


3. Robert Pattinson: And I don't mean some stupid doll or cardboard cutout or life-size body pillow that looks like the auto pilot from Airplane. I want the actual human. Wrap him up in a sheet or duct tape or whatever you need to do, just make sure that the preh-tay is under my fucking tree, mkay? Of the three items on my list, this one is non-negotiable. Please remember that I'm not going to be home for Christmas this year and he should be delivered to New York - I'm sure my mother-in-law and my husband won't think it's strange to find a bound and gagged Precious under the tree on Christmas morning. Again, remember to poke holes for him. I don't know CPR. And last I checked, blowjobs were not recognized by the American Medical Association as appropriate resuscitation procedures.

Oooh, Santa! Can I sit on your lap? Or face?
[Image from Letters to Rob]


Thanks for your time Santa... I know on the surface it looks like I've been kinda naughty this year [or for the past 20 or so but who's counting?] I'm sorry if you've taken offense to the dirty talk, but I considerate it providing a public service. I provide my fellow Twitards with some hot pictures of RPattz and it gives them pleasure. And I do my best to give folks a chuckle when they need it. I really hope you'll consider this reason enough to visit my house this year! That and the spiked eggnog...

Cheers~
Latchkey Wife
xoxo

32 comments:

  1. Latchkey, I don't know HOW Santa could resist such a heartfelt plea. Plus, spiked eggnog? I would be SO THERE.

    But then again, what do I know? I'm a naughty, naughty Jew, and Santa's never brought me a single fucking thing I've asked for.

    Fucker.

    P.S.: You DO make me chuckle, mostly exactly when I need it. :) Thanks!!!!!

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  2. I can't stop looking at his crooked nipples. I'm sorry.

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  3. and his tiny head.. lol..!!

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  4. Oh goodness, I am so glad you had a cute puppy picture to take away me reading about your kitten mishap - I want to ask that it isn't real but I have a feeling it is and it is better I don't have confirmation. Oh my, so sorry.

    I don't think you are asking for anything too incredibly difficult to get, so I wish you luck with Santa may he make all your wished come true ;)

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  5. Blowjobs aren't a form of CPR? Then why was I so popular at the scene of that car accident?
    ;-)

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  6. Um..please tell me the Kitten mishap was a joke!

    And who cares if the AMA doesn't recognize blow jobs as proper resuscitation..doesn't mean it wont work!

    :) xo J

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  7. I dig the list! And seriously? You need to ask Micki Martini if bj's are an acceptable resuscitation maneuver. Medical science is advancing everyday. And she's up to her tits in it, so maybe she'll know for sure. It's worth a shot.


    I can't imagine Santa not giving in on at least 2 out of 3 of these requests. It's not like you're asking for world peace....

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  8. @Cat Oh noes! I hadn't even noticed that at first (I was too busy staring at the velveteen boxers and imagining what was underneath...)

    @LKW May all your dreams come true this Christmas, and if they do - you'd better bloody well SHARE! (But only item 3, mkay, I already have a dog and doubt I could work out how to use snowshoes...).

    Merry Christmas Twitards!

    CC x

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  9. @Dangrdafne - No worries, I made up the kitten story... I'm sick, I know.

    @Cat - Thanks now I can't focus on anything BUT the crooked nipples!!

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  10. @Cat, thank you for pointing that out, now I can't stop staring at the wonky nips either!! LOL

    That's my kinda list LKW, nicely done :)

    w/v: arnwedle. Uhhh, Bella with a speech impediment asking Emmett if he's up for an arm wrestle??

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  11. LOL. You do spread the joy, so I'll vouch that you've been "good" this year.

    Did the kitten thing really happen? If so, then Santa owes you. BIG TIME.

    However, I think your list is out of whack... The Precious deserves to come before snowshoes!!!!! Even if the list was not intended to be in order of importance. Priorities, woman!

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  12. I think women and girls evey where are asking for Rpattz under their tree. I know I'm silently praying he will magically appear Christmas night. He will whisk me away to our own Isle Esme and.... well you know the rest ;) As always I love this cite! Thanks so much for brightening my day!

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  13. Can I borrow your Rob when you're done playing with it? I'll give it back. Nice girls SHARE!

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  14. Survival is a good winter hobby. Good for you.

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  15. OK, love the picture but I don't think that's his bod. With all due respect, he's not that buff or that tan -- is he?? Has he been working out? Sunbathing in Rio? Are we sure it's not photoshopped? (Of course, even if it is, it's still fabulous.)

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  16. Doooood, you shoulda totally thrown Billy Burke or Jackson Rathbone or PFach on there as an alternate in case The Precious is temporarily out of stock!

    Funny post, @LKW. I especially liked the part about fat ass Santa. I don't think he's gonna be offended tho 'cause bein' fat is part of the job.

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  17. Hi LKW - if I had the power I'd try to get Santa to deliver on your wish list, I do live in Canada and closer to the North Pole than you so I'll see what I can do.

    Thanks to all of you at Twitarded - love your blog!

    Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays!

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  18. @lkw, Sorry but u won't be getting Rob for christmas this year Santa already delivered the pretay to me. I'll send u pics of him though.*hears obnoxious beeping* WTF?...damn alarm clock always ruins my best dreams. Oh well, at least we have each other.

    Happy happy everyone!

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  19. I don't recall the kitten story..Please share this with me..Oh..and Have a Merry Freakin Christmas...Me LOOOOOOVES you..MUWAH..annnnnd I hope Santa brings you a puppy.

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  20. If Robert Pattinson's body looked like that I might want some of that in the NYE. Ha!

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  21. Some of you younger twatwaffles may not have experienced this yet, but I happen to know from personal experience that a B J can resuscitate a flaccid penis. Yes. Yes it can.

    I've been very good myself. [Don't listen to what my husband says. He's just carrying a grudge because I asked for a divorce for Christmas. What else can I do? He's not 20 years old anymore!]

    So, I'mma ask Santa for a tantra chair. Then I'mma ask Red Bella to make me a custom cover for it!

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  22. Oh yeah. Thanks for that maNIP. I can't stop thinking about those wonky nipples now.

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  23. I just about PMSL over that Rob maNIP. Yes, it's cuz of those wonky nipples. Thanks for making me laugh, LKW :)

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  24. @therugbymom-OMFG!!! LMFAO "told my husband I want a divorce for christmas".

    @Cat, now that you pointed them out all I see are the wonky nipples. Awesome!

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  25. K glad to know you made up the kitten story.

    And damn, you're a demanding little thing aren't you?!?! I want this but not that. And that but not this. Want want want.

    I totally get it though. I have a very specific list and I never get shit from it. I've been asking for a guitar for the last three years. Is it too much to ask to get a guitar and a lesson with Rob and Jackson?!?! Jeeze, what does a girl need to do to get some freakin wishes to come true during the holidays?? A lot apparently!

    I hope you get everything you asked for. Especially Rob. Since i won't get him, I need to live vicariously through someone! :)

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  26. I thought that first pic was the
    millenium falcon! HA!

    Puppy is good, Rob is WAY better. We need to ask Jack Skellington to kidnap Rob for us. What were the names of those little kids?

    I think I'd like to ask for the $$ to go to FOOOORRKKKSS 2011!

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  27. I swear I'm the worst person when it comes to lists of things I want. What the hell is wrong with me? My mom asks me what I want for Christmas and I say I want a new synthetic down duvet. LAMERS. Thankfully she knows me well enough to know things I'll enjoy.

    LKW, You've been a fucking SAINT, I mean c'mon. You'll totally get everything you ask for. ;)

    -formerly charla

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  28. @therugbymom-OMFG!!! LMFAO "told my husband I want a divorce for christmas".

    @Cat, now that you pointed them out all I see are the wonky nipples. Awesome!

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  29. If Robert Pattinson's body looked like that I might want some of that in the NYE. Ha!

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  30. @lkw, Sorry but u won't be getting Rob for christmas this year Santa already delivered the pretay to me. I'll send u pics of him though.*hears obnoxious beeping* WTF?...damn alarm clock always ruins my best dreams. Oh well, at least we have each other.

    Happy happy everyone!

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  31. I dig the list! And seriously? You need to ask Micki Martini if bj's are an acceptable resuscitation maneuver. Medical science is advancing everyday. And she's up to her tits in it, so maybe she'll know for sure. It's worth a shot.


    I can't imagine Santa not giving in on at least 2 out of 3 of these requests. It's not like you're asking for world peace....

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  32. OK, love the picture but I don't think that's his bod. With all due respect, he's not that buff or that tan -- is he?? Has he been working out? Sunbathing in Rio? Are we sure it's not photoshopped? (Of course, even if it is, it's still fabulous.)

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