Friday, December 3, 2010

Dear Twilight Fans: Don't Quit Your Day Jobs

If you haven't already noticed, I'm kind of an asshole. By "kind of," I mean "totally and completely." This fandom is like a huge extended family. Just like any family, we have the comedians, the free-spirits, the sweet and innocent, the crass, the gifted and the, uh, not so gifted. I have been blown away by some of the amazing videos, paintings, story banners, [cough] panties [cough], etc several fans have made. By and large, this is one fucking talented fandom.

However, some of our flock have lost the message. Sometimes in their quest to express their love for our beloved characters, things go awry. Very awry. What happens when good fans make bad art? I call them out, that's what. Yeah, I'm an asshole. Did I mention I can't even draw a stick figure? Biggest. Glass. House. Ever. Aaaaand that doesn't stop me from mocking.

The love child of Edward & the Wolfman.

"I am not an animal!" Edward Cullen stars in The Elephant Man remake.


Taking "heroin chic" to a whole new level. This is the new D.A.R.E. poster. Just say no, kids.

This is actually a handbag. You know, because aging, sickly Edward with a funky hairline should be shared with the world.

You freaking rocked in Lord of the Rings, Orc Edward.

Edward Cullen, or Christopher Walken's bastard son?

"More cowbell, Edward!"

Edward & Bella doing their impressions of melted candles.

Edward's 7th grade photo

You are a lying sack of shit if you claim to not own a photo like this.

For more, and truly more horrid examples, click here. You know I love you too much to leave you with those images. This last one is fucking amazing. I wish I knew who sketched it because I want to be their best friend.

UPDATE - Go here to check out her amazing drawings.


  1. I really wish I hadn't looked at this post before bed. Oh my! That is some interesting stuff. My hubby would say, "Some call it art... some know better."

  2. Holy hell!! That is soooo bad. I think what's worse is not that these things were created but someone thought they were worthy of being posted on the interwebs. Once you see how bad your drawing is should be the time you say to yourself "Ok, that's not for sharing" then set it on fire.

    Love the last sketch though. That is amazing!

    @DD: Love hubby's quote.

  3. But I really don't have a picture like that! I *do* however have an 8th grade photo of me with a hockey stick and roller blades, and wearing a denim vest, as we were supposed to bring "props." I didn't even play roller hockey. I just thought I was a total badass.

  4. have you guys looked at some of the Edward tattoos out there? yikes...

  5. Wow. You couldn't have been more right Ms. TK! The last one is just unbelievable. You made me choke on my drink with the Christopher Walken's bastard son!

    @Cat: I have seen some and don't even have the words...yikes is putting it mildly.

  6. That last one is really amazing, it looks like a screen shot!

    On a funny note "More Cowbell, Edward!"

    V/W:fersher- I know fersher those people can't draw for shit.

  7. I am just making a wild guess here that many of those artists aren't even of age yet to have a day at least I am hoping that is the case. I did pencil drawings of Iggy Pop and watercolers of David Bowie back in my day....thank fucking gawd there were no internets oh so long ago. Unless it looks like that last one...most of this stuff should be saved for hanging in their lockers.

    Though it is really entertaining to look. One word: can spend hourse searching all the bad Twilight merch on there.

  8. Ok, so if this were my friend creating these pieces of art, I might have to lie and say some of them are for the rest, well I might have to say: HOLY EFFING SHITBALLS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? YOU KILLLLLLLED EDWARD!

    That last tone is legit. Are we sure it's an actual free-hand drawing and not a Picasa mock up?

    xo J

  9. Sheesh. That last sketch really does look like a fancy-pants photoshop effect of a photo...

    @Cat - I'm working on a post about bad twilight tatts, J/S.

  10. These are obviously sketches of Herman Munster.

  11. Ahhh, the things we endure for the love of Robward. I feel for you TK.
    Thank you for not leaving us with those horrorpics. The last one is beautiful.

  12. I was about to shut down the lappy when all of a sudden, I realized: I keep forgetting to hop on to Twitarded before shutting down! So I click on, and I get THIS. Right the fuck on.

    I haaaate Twi-art for the most part. It's a bunch of 14 y/o girls who decide to take one semester of art and think it's a good idea to throw their shit on the web. FAIL. Orc-ward? BWAHAHAHAHA!! And I totes have laser background school pics. OMG, I have tons. Thanks for the reminder. Imma go home for Christmas, take a few home, and scan 'em in for my new avi's. Boofuckinya.

    Except this last one. Holy hell. I mean, really...holy hell shit.

  13. The final drawing is done by Sandra Mees from Germany,. She's got 2 websites listed on the bottom of the picture. Here's a timelapse of her drawing. It's not photoshop

  14. @Dangrdafne--Love your hubby's quote! I'm stealing that. I'll credit him, though.

    @Shannon--LMFAO! Weren't we all badasses in jr high? At least that's how I choose to remember it.

    @Mistress Tess--Thanks! I meant to check out those sites before I posted, but I forgot. I'm blaming illness & extreme exhaustion, but my brain is always a sieve. She has amazing talent.

  15. I don't think your an asshole TK, your a funny bitch tho'.

    Those "portraits" are freaky deaky, except the last one, it totes looks too perfect to be a drawing, but, what do I know I can barely write.

  16. Oh mah gawd, those are dreadful! I can't even decide which was worst, they were all so awful. On the other hand, that last sketch is a-ma-zing!!!

    "More cowbell" Always funny!

    I will quit my day job if and when someone (finally) offers me the job of Rob's fluffer..... Or Jackson's. Or Kellan's.... Hell, I'd happily be the entire Cullen family's fluffer!

    Hmmm, I think I might have just discovered my true calling!

  17. Pedoward...bwahahahahaha!!!! Very disturbing!!!

    Last one was awesome though..

  18. Yes, I did have a picture like that. I think I was wearing the same glasses as that kid, too.

    The last drawing is absolutely amazing. It's beautiful.

  19. LMFAO!!! I don't know how you do it, @TK but you keep getting more hilarious.

    Right, off to break open my Eclipse DVD and give that fucker a workout.

    Btw, Target is awesome (as if we didn't already know that). All of the 2-disc versions were GONE when I got there - GONE! - and I was all 'Really, Target, really?' but by the time I made my way around the dvd section pretending not to care more 2-disc DVDs magically appeared. You rock, Tar-jey!

  20. Oh holy hell! I'm laughing and scared at the same time! Hilarious post TK :) And that last pencil sketch, wow, awesome!

  21. {{{shudder}}}

    (and I stuck mostly to drawing horses when I was a kid - thankfully - lol! I didn't do so well there so who knows what sort of horrible things I would have done had I been trying to draw people - it wouldn't have been good, I know that much!)

  22. O.o. Damn you TK!!!!!!

    Oh man! That was just . . . what are the words I'm looking for?. . . Gah! Make it stop! #shivers# I need the brain bleach now, for sure.

    I'mma have nightmares over this. I just know it! I can put that vibrator away right now. No chance I'll be wanting it tonight.

    Just say no is right. Please just say no to EVER posting such ugliness again!

    The last picture was very good, but it wasn't enough to cleanse my eyeballs. I really think I might get sick.

  23. FYI you guys, that picture isn't linked, but it's from WE HAVE LASERS!!!! or -- where there is much more where that came from! Send in your pictures!

  24. I can't draw for shit and neither can these folks. UGH! That last sketch is amazing though. I was shocked that it wasn't a photo!

    As for the 7th grade pic, my mother gave me the haircut like Nicholas from Eight is Enough. I was one ugly adolescent girl.

    TK, I think I love you. "Need More Cowbell" is one of our favorites!

  25. I started reading this thinking... oh that's so sad to make fun of people like that. I'm not going to laugh.

    I ended up rolling on the floor. That is freak'n hilarious. People who lie to their friends and talk them into doing stupid things like post lame art like that or tell them they sing great and should try out for American Idol aren't real friends. They just want something to laugh at later.

    On the other hand, we have to love those "non-friends" because it is FREAK'N HILARIOUS!!! So keep lying to your friends so we can all get our rocks off!

  26. OOH Christ that was funny! Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

  27. The last one is by a girl called Sandra who does drawings as a hobby; TOTALLY amazing drawing(s)!

  28. Awww wasn't 5th grade art class a blasty? . . .

    Wait . . . oooohhh that's too bad, maybe next time sport.


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