Monday, December 6, 2010

I Have An Eye Thing.

We all have a "thing." Probably. You know - "a thing" - some weird idiosyncrasy, an irrational fear, a little tic... OK fine, fine - maybe some of you - perhaps even most of you - are more well-adjusted than yours truly, but I definitely have a thing: I have an "eye thing."

[Some of us might keep a deep-freezer in the basement for potential dead bodies (hey, you never know...). Others like to to talk about poop ('I'm not gonna name names but...). Now that I think about it, my "thing" is actually almost normal compared to, ahem, other people around here. No wonder I'm friends with them.

I definitely have a "thing" for these eyes, but that's not what I mean. Stay with me...

Oh yeahhhhh... Those eyes are mighty fine as well, but...

I wish I could tell you that my "eye thing" has to do with my obsession with Twilight, my strong opinions on the relative pros and cons of the contact lenses they've used in each of the Twilight movies (for the record, my fave is still Twilight, even though you can clearly see the edges of the lenses in the uber-close ups that Catherine Hardwicke looooved), but nope...

I seeeeeee uuuuuuu, contact lens edges... WHY???

When I was a little kid - like maybe five or six years old, I saw a gross picture on the front page of the local paper. As an adult, I'd convinced myself that I must have imagined the whole thing (because really, who puts a totally fucked up, gory picture on the cover of the newspaper?!). Until one day when Sister Snarky and I were in the city together, on the subway platform. While we were waiting for our train to show up, another one whooshed through the station without stopping, leaving a bunch of paper and dust and crap whirling around in its wake. I instinctively covered my eyes - like not just a little bit - I buried my head in my hands like my life depended on it. And realized that my sister was doing the exact. same. thing. She'd seen the same newspaper! Either that or weirdness is genetic and we're both doomed... I only hope my adorable niece and nephew will escape the Snarky curse... (But really? Yeah she saw the same photograph.)

There was actually a time when it was so bad that I thought I would never be able to wear contact lenses... Touch my finger to my eyeball?! Are you kidding me?! NEVER!! EW!!! But at some point, I traded in my eyeglasses for contacts. And I'll admit that I've even considered getting Twilighty contacts for a special occasion - you know, like a movie premiere...or maybe a trip to Forks...of maybe just in case RPatts ever wants to do a little role playing... You never know, right? Rob and Kristen probably pretend they are Edward and Bella ALL THE TIME (you heard it here first).

Maybe I am that dorky. Just maybe...

Most of the time, my eye thing isn't that front and center, mainly because I don't need to give people any more reason to think I'm a little "off"... But sometimes, I'll randomly come across something that brings it front and center. Like my new flattening iron, for example. Which shouldn't have anything to do with eyeballs AT ALL but somehow, it does. I bought the InStyler a few months back after noting on Myg's smooth, shiny tresses, finding out this was her secret weapon, and giving it a test-run. And it's awesome!

I luuurv you, gimmicky product with a dorky name that looks like some sort of torture device...

All was going well with me and the InStyler... Sure, sure - it's never as good as the first time you use something like new like this, but I was happily chasing that dragon. And then I saw it. The tag on the cord...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!

First of all, what the fuck. I mean, really, isn't it kind of obvious that a searing hot metal tube-thingy surrounded by a couple of rows of sharp bristles would NOT be something that you would want to stick in your eye? Did I really need this graphic reminder??? No. No I did not. I cut that tag off fast.
Note from JJ: For the record, when we were in Foooorks and sharing a room, both you and Myg kept telling me, over and over again, that the InStyler, or whatever the fuck it was called, was very hot and to not touch it. It was almost like you both thought I would totally be compelled to put my hand on it. Or stick it in my eye.

I admit it--I totally put my hand on it. It's really hot. Also, I'm really stupid.
Hmmm... I guess I should have left that warning label on, since this was on the reverse side of the "HFS don't get this thing near your eyes!!!" warning -

DON'T touch it, Jenny Jerkface!!! DON'T! Nooooo!!!

So what's your thing??? You know you have one... Lay it on me in the comments, twatwaffles!

63 comments:

  1. Lmao! I have an issue with feet! They creep me the fuck out! I don't have a memory to link my feet phobia to so I'll just have to go with I'm a weirdo!

    ReplyDelete
  2. My "thing" is belly buttons. They are so fucking nasty (my sister is in total agreement with me on this). I don't like to look at them, they fucking stink and most of all you NEVER, EVER touch it. My husband thought I was kidding with him when he put his hand on my stomach back when we were dating and started trying to play with my belly button. I was ubber pissed and he did not understand why I was so mad. I told him it made me feel like I was gonna puke and he just laughed, whatever asshole. I told him to knowck it off and never touch my belly button again & if I barfed on him it was his own damn fault!
    Everyone but my sister thinks I'm crazy...whateva!

    ReplyDelete
  3. OOH! I have a thing with eyes too. I am an organ donor but refuse to have it on my drivers license. I am terrified they will want my eye balls! Ok I am not saying anymore for fear you will all think I am crazy!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hate feet too!!! Btw, I knew a girl in hs who burned her eyeball ( not lid!!) while trying to curl her bangs! I think of it EVERYTIME I am near my face with a hot curler.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @anon - aaaand now i think i need to throw that instyler in the trash! just to be safe... {{{shudder}}}

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is totally wrong and I deserved to be chastized for it..but my thing is midgets..they creep me the fuck out. My oldest son (13) has a midget friend and I totally warned him..Cain, if you ever bring your little friend to the house I'm not going to be able to stop laughing, not because it's funny but because I'll be all scared and nervous. He helped assuage my fears though.."Mom, I'm not going to bring ANY of my friends over because I know you'll embarrass me by singing Sir Mix a Lot songs or talking about Edward...so, don't worry." I love my son lol.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh STY, where do I begin? First it's my chin...nope not the front, the underneath, right where the thin chin bone is...agggh I can barely type it..my fingers have turned to jello!!! Ok I'm seriously grabbing my chin and holding it together for some stupid reason...I am deathly afraid of "split chins..." As in me falling and splitting it or seeing someone else. Ok I seriously am so effed up from just typing these, I'm slugging a shitload more wine..gaaah!

    Ok, my other thing is lower stomachs. As in below your belly button but above your pubic bone. Don't touch mine, don't touch yours. If you had to have to appendix out, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT...I will kill myself if I ever have to have a C-Section. Blaaah. Maybe it's some sort of past life thing, but it really grosses me out and makes my butt hurt. You know the feeling.

    Lastly, and I have more, but they aren't as bad...my toes. Not quite as bad as @LuvsMeSumEdward. I like my feet massaged, but the idea of getting a pedicure horrifies me. Esp the idea of them cutting any skin around my toenails makes me want to vomit...and don't even get me started on the thought of someone filing my toenails...

    Clearly I have issues. AND, I could go on...I'll spare you.

    That is all.

    PS Not sure if that's what you were looking for in an answer to your question about having a thing? I have MANY!

    XO J

    ReplyDelete
  8. My thing is back hair..although all body hair makes me wanna yak.and hairy knuckles GAH...I mean..really ...If you wanna look like a fucking ape,join the circus.. have the decency to wear cloths at ALL times please.. and refrain from beaches and lakes and any place that I may be in..cause if I see it...I may just toss you a banana..or yak..or poke my eyes out of my own head. Wax it,shave it,just get it the hell off your body..Your not an animal...ok enough..I'm feeling a lil pukey right now...

    ReplyDelete
  9. still looking for my vampDecember 6, 2010 at 11:14 PM

    Feet. Oh Sweet Jesus, feet.

    I hate looking at feet. I hate just the mere thought of touching feet. It makes my skin crawl.

    But if someone else wants to touch my feet, let's go for it. Massage them. Paint the toes. Bliss. For moi.

    But don't even think about asking me to do the same. The thought of touching someone elses feet, even DH, makes me want to suck donkey balls.
    I hate feet.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hahaha that's just great.and I really hate knees.and I mean I hate them with an f***ing passion.they are just so wrinkly and dimply and lumpy and gross!it doesn't matter if they are model's knees or regular people knees I just can't take them.also...

    Garage sales.I mean I totally understand that some people adore them and find some really great stuff.but I don't think I've ever been to a sale and found something really worth while.and not only do I walk away empty-handed,I feel utterly and completely guilty for not buying anything.because from what I've seen of movies and tv,most people that are having garage sales really need the money!and because I don't buy anything I feel totally responsible that now this family will have to live in an f-in shack and eat out of a used starbucks cup.however that's probably never happened to any family having a garage sale that I left without buying.but the fear that it could happen just kills me!and then this happens and I end up thinking waaay too much about people I DONT EVEN KNOW.....which is why I try to avoid garage sales....and knees.....garage sales in the summer....super fat old people in shorts....{shudder}

    ReplyDelete
  11. I was at a party in my early 20's..so yeah, a long freaking time ago, and we all had to put into a hat what our most 'erogenous' zone was and then we each pulled one out and tried to guess who said what.

    Of course, I pulled out the beauty "upper butt crack."

    Not a real original ick factor given the whole plumbers crack phenomenon, but with that whole party experience EWW EWW EWW

    And, say what you will, even the flaming Rob-crack last week couldn't cure me of my "thing." {Maybe if they would have put him in some half way decent freaking swim trunks it could have cured me, but not with those wretched things he had on--sorry ladies, say what you will -- it looked plumberif-ick to me}

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have a feet "thing" as well. HOWEVER. I think its sexy as hell when guys (mainly Rob, I won't even lie) are barefoot in certain occasions. Hehe. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. My husband has the eye thing and he went for lasik....so out of his box but it was fully covered by insurance and he has been plagued with bad vision his whole life, so he went for it. They had to drug him up to sit and get the procedure done...but the week that followed involved massive amounts of eye drops. So, on a daily basis, I had to wrestle them into his eyes. I seriously am talking about having to put my knee on his chest, and my hand on his forehead, and wrestle the drops in.
    A lot of laughter, a lot of terrified screams, but we got through it...lolol!
    My thing...newspaper. I hate the feel of newspaper. My stomach also drops when I put my own earrings in. I'm OK if it's quick, but if I have to struggle for some reason, I have to take a break...

    ReplyDelete
  14. I have zero issues. Nope, not me. It's not like I have weird texture issues and things like oatmeal, toasted wheat bread or cooked carrots make me want to violently hurl. I'm totally cool with touching certain fabrics-- my skin never crawls when I, say, touch cardboard. Or certain kinds of fleece Nope, not me. Totally have zero issues.

    Jeezus, I can't even begin to make a list of things that totally fucking skeeve me out. It's way, way too long.

    ReplyDelete
  15. My thing is.... lotus pods

    I LOVE lotus flowers, but the pods? OH GOD GET ME OUTTA HERE. Not like I see them everyday, but tell me this doesn't FREAK you the fuck out!

    http://www.treknature.com/gallery/Asia/Japan/photo1573.htm

    I seriously almost started dry heaving when I looked that up

    ReplyDelete
  16. Loose teeth.

    I can't.

    Even.

    Finish.

    This.

    going to puke now.

    ReplyDelete
  17. My thing is bugs! Any bug at all makes my skin crawl and makes me want to puke. I have spidey senses and it's not as cool as Spider-Man's, I can feel when a spider is out in the open when it's in my general vicinity, I can feel them looking at me.

    My sister and neighbor would chase me around with bugs when I was younger so I would do their bidding. This is the reason for my fear of bugs and my willingness to do pretty much anything people ask for fear they can read my mind and will find bugs to put on me.

    PS: My young cousins know of my bug phobia and have in the past chased me with cicada's (save yourself and do not look up this bug if you don't know what it is *shudder*) and have scared me with fake centipedes(sp?) yuck!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Jeezus it's like a therapy session in here!

    Hmm, what's my 'thing'? Medical/Surgical scenes on TV. I'm a nurse, for fuck's sake. I used to work in a surgical unit. I've worked in cancer care for so long now that any form of guts & gore just disgusts me.

    Kinda embarrassing to have to change the channel on something I used to deal with every day, yes?

    ReplyDelete
  19. I hate feet too. I hate looking at peoples feet, I hate people looking at my feet. Dont ever try to get me to touch your foot and dont come anywhere near mine. I also sit cross-legged so I can cover up my stubby toe.

    I hate my knees being touched too, I have been knocked out when I was pinned down and people touched my knees, with all the thrashing around I hit my head. I dont mind looking at knees or touching other peoples knees.

    I also hate the feeling of a cotton wool ball, it hurts my teeth.

    I am beginning to think I have too many 'things'

    ReplyDelete
  20. Mouth noises. I can't stand listening to people chew or kiss. Dinnertime at my house, with 2 small kids, (one of whom breathes REALLY loud when he eats) is like torture for me. Also, flossing should never be done in public. NEVER!! What is with people?

    ReplyDelete
  21. PIMPLES. my face ain't flawless but someone's face covered in angry red sides, crusty yellow tops, and oil that would put deep fryers to shame on the middle just.. ughhhhh..

    And when they pop.. oh god..

    ReplyDelete
  22. Eyes - aaaaaargh! My eyes! I just can't. Go. There. I could never, ever wear contacts :-(

    Feet - yeeuuuwwww - my feet are particularly horrible. I cover them up all the time.

    But the thing I really cannot abide? Shellfish. I get the shivers if I'm put anywhere near shellfish. I couldn't ever eat Pasta Marinara or Paella or oysters or ----- blergh, the thought makes my stomach churn. Don't ever - ever - put me anywhere near shellfish.

    You have been warned.

    CC x

    wv: boatop - what, is that like botox for toddlers?

    ReplyDelete
  23. @Mrs. P TwiBite - I spit out my coffee when I read your comment. Poor hubby! LOL!

    @Smitten - I CANNOT stand listening to people chew. It makes me fucking insane. I used to have to excuse myself from the dinner table as a kid because my brother clacked his fork against his teeth, as well as chewed loudly. The combination was enough to send me into a homicidal rage.

    ReplyDelete
  24. oh my we do have some issues here - lol! cracking up - and glad i don't have to add a chin/foot/toes/belly/backhair/lotus pod [??? lol] thing to my list of things...

    but @Mrs P - i totally hear you on the newspaper front. brown paper bags are worse. actually getting chills - and not the good kind - just thinking about the texture and feel of brown paper bags - eek!

    ReplyDelete
  25. First and foremost - I barely got past the first picture. You might want to save stuff like that for the end of a post if you expect us to read anything you post after it. Srsly.

    I have two "things."
    a) Belly buttons. I can't touch them and can barely look at them. I got mine pierced in college (I don't think @casch was very happy about this) and every time I had to clean that thing, I literally got all lightheaded and nearly passed out. Those plastic surgery shows where they do a tummy tuck and "move" the belly button? I can't decide whether to vomit or pass out first.
    b) Odd numbers. The thermostat, TV volume, soda cans in the fridge, etc. all have to be in even numbers. I can't even stop the microwave on an odd number of seconds left, even if my food is burning.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Poop Where It's Not Supposed To Be. Yes, it does have to be capitalized like that. This includes, but is not limited to:

    -poop in the tub
    -poop on any floor
    -poop on my back porch (I have a dog who does this, proof that the universe has a sense of humor and HATES ME.)

    Poop in the toilet, no problem. In a diaper, fine. In the grass, BRING IT. But God forbid one of my kids lays a turd straight in their underpants--I'm definitely going to vom under that circumstance. Fortunately my kids are 8 and 15 now so I think I'm out of the woods.

    Also, I once saw these frogs where I think the female frog embeds her eggs into the back of the male frog, and the babies grow there in these pulsing little zit-like eruptions until they are full grown and explode out. I'd look it up but seriously I'm going to need a Xanax just from typing this.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I have an eye thing too. Hate the eye doctor. Would rather have a pelvic exam. It is so bad I can't even wear contacts.

    An even bigger thing for me is grates on the sidewalk. I cannot step on them. If there is no other place to walk, I will even attempt to leap over them. Why? No clue. Perhaps I have a deep seeded fear of sewer people, but honestly I have no idea where that thing came from.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Sleeves. I cannot.stand.sleeves.
    The idea of anything tight on my arms....
    I would probably rather freeze to death thanhave a tight stretchy material coating my arms. *puke*

    T-shirts only became acceptable to me a few years. before that it was vest tops, and giant big coats for the cold.

    STUPID HUMANS

    ReplyDelete
  29. METAL FINGERNAIL FILES. Holy Jeez. You'll have to scrape me off the wall if I see someone doing it or if my fingernail touches a metal file.

    Also--sanding wood with sandpaper. Dear God. Where the fuck did I put that Xanax? My skin is crawling now.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Having run a home daycare, as well as spent months in the hospital with a very sick Baby Cougar, there isn't much about body parts or fluids that gross me out anymore. I've caught snot, poop, and barf with intestinal lining chunks IN MY HANDS, and that'll desensitize your ass pretty quickly.

    But I do have one thing that causes major squickage. I REALLY, hate beards. Mustaches...I'm cool with. Beards are just all kinds of gross in my book. I've never, ever been even remotely attracted to a man with a beard (even BeardRob - so that's really saying something!)

    5'oclock shadow? Fine. Scruff where I can still see skin? OK. But full on, filled in chin muff makes me vommy. Eeew.

    MC

    ReplyDelete
  31. My thing is skin. I went to mortuary school and had to deal with a lot of autopsy cases and people who were, lets say not so fresh where their skin moved. My skin is crawling writing about this..and when people get sunburns and start to pull their dead skin off, OMFG I want to run and hide.
    I also hate spit. My friends think its fucking funny to lick my hands or face. I freak the fuck the out.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Lizards! I am terrified of lizards, tiny lizards, iguanas, big lizards, all lizards. If I even see a picture of one in a book, I'll drop the book and go running and screaming from the room. I am not exxagerating. I used to live in Southern California and these little lizards would get into the house and just freak me the fuck out. There is absolutely no rational reason for this fear, I'm not afraid of spiders for fuck sake, bugs I'm OK with, and even tho I don't want them in my house, mice don't bother me. But, I'm quite sure that I will die by lizard. Someone will throw one on me and that'll be that.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I generally don't mind feet except my friend's husband had this toe nail that he burned once in college and the thing grows like a talon and he keeps it really long and paints it and it even has it's own Facebook page and holy fuck, I'm getting woozy just thinking about it and now I think I need to go vomit. Nothing is grosser than the toe.

    Oh and I have an ass thing too but you all know about my Exit Only issues... we don't need to rehash that!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Fuck fuck fuck... I meant "its own facebook page" JMFHF, I hate it when that happens! Plus, I don't want TwiredJen to call me out on another typo! Eeeek!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Ahhh we are such a crazy f'ed up family!
    I cannot stand the feel of cotton balls, styrofoam, or any foam (like the comfy mattress pads? I sweat when I start to think I have to touch them!).
    And I also can't stand listening to other people brush their teeth...the whole sonicare toothbrush has helped since it makes so much noise anyway but manual toothburshes? AAAACCCCKKKK!

    ReplyDelete
  36. SNOT. Mine, Yours or the kid w/the crusties on it's (gag ohmagod gag) nose,cheeks or erp sleeve. There was this kid in school that used to like collect them on his sleeve ( just threw up n my mouth a little) On the desk. He'd like line them up in a row and play w/them. It was sick and wrong I tell ya !!

    And I'm w/ya on the eyes. Ever since the dead kid in the movie Stand by Me I just ugggg I don't like to look at people in the eyes when they talk. It has NOTHING to do w/being shy or feeling insecure ( I am but eye contact is not a prob !) I just can't stand that someone might get some of those eye boogies. Which leads us back to my aversion to snot. I'll totally technicolor yawn on them.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I can't think of a "thing" I have. Hmmmmm. Buttholes. Those are fucking gross. Also feet. I won't touch someone's feet, especially a dudes feet. It took me forever to finally get pedicures and I LOVE them but if anyone else touches my feet, I'll kick a bitch. Plus when dogs lick feet it makes me want to puke alll over them.
    Hmm looks like I do have some things after all.

    ReplyDelete
  38. huh - so it certainly wasn't my intention AT ALL when i wrote this (not that much of a masochist, really), but somehow i feel my list of "things" is growing exponentially as i read the comments - ack! pass the xanax, someone - please hurry!

    ReplyDelete
  39. My list of "things" is so long I can hardly function in society. People touching my feet freaks me the fuck out. I can't even talk about teeth. Ok, I have to stop. I'm freaking myself out.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Like @JJ, I don't have a thing about food textures. Malt-o-Meal, tapioca, Oh fuck. No. I can't go on with this. I typed the T-word. And BUBBLE TEA?!?! Who the FUCK thought that was a good idea?!? Here, let me drink this yumm-o bevvie and coughblapthpplt GAG!

    There is just one other thing in the world that makes me vurp. Not eyes, not bugs, not feet, bellybuttons are weird, but whatevs, not newspaper (I LOVE NEWSPAPER!)...No, I cannot handle...

    Childbirth.

    OMG I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP.

    I have been considering adoption for years. Not because I want to give a kid a home, no. Because the thought of...fuck. Ugh. AAAAHHHH!!!! NO!!!!!! In the words of Kirstie Alley ala Look Who's Talking "You try squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon..." So fucking gross. Do not expect me to watch A Baby Story with you.

    I'm sure I'll have my own kids. In fact, I've resigned to the fact that being pregnant with The Bentist's kid is gonna be pretty fucking amazing someday. But you'd better KNOCK ME THE FUCK OUT if you expect that parasite to come out while I'm watching.

    And no, I have no qualms about the Breaking Dawn birth scene. It's more zombie, less miracle, so I'm good.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I had forgotten some of my 'issues' until I read this list.

    I have a spider phobia and hospitals make me woozy but I would say my 'thangs' are the following (very profesional sounding, don't you think?).

    I'm with @TxBirdie, loose teeth, blech. It probably had something to do with an uncle who threaten to tie every loose tooth of mine with string, tie it to a door handle and then slam the door shut. Blaaaaaah, I just full body shivered.

    Sometimes if I touch a certain fabric or material just right, it makes all the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and what's worse, makes my teeth sing. Normally, teeth don't bug me. But if something sets them off, forgetaboutit. I once over did the teeth bleech and my teeth were in hypersensitivy mode for over a week. I thought I was going to lose my mind.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I have a baby corn thing. Yep. It is just not right.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Eww, I forgot one. I hate the white thingy attached to the yolks of eggs. Dis. Gus. Ting

    ReplyDelete
  44. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Reading through more of the comments made me realize I have more wierd things in common with you peeps. I too hate when I have to touch towels that are fresh out of the dryer, makes my skin crawl. Oh and the same goes for paper bags as well. What is that that makes us soo freakin' icked out my dry cardobard and or paper bags?!

    J

    ReplyDelete
  46. This post is fucking hysterical!
    You all are FREAKS....on that note, my 'things' are:
    -feet (the idea of sucking on someone's toes makes me ill)
    -cockroaches - do I really need to explain?
    -cotton - which I never knew was a 'thing' until this post thankyouverymuch
    -Keanu Reeves - I cannot watch a movie with him in it he is SO awful.

    That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure more will come to me.
    Later FREAKS!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Whistling, People who chew with their mouth open (even my little kids know better), long fingernails & high gloss paint on residential walls. Bellybuttons are fine, but cum in the bellybutton in NOT.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I can't stand it when tips of fingernails rub against nearly anything. Please don't file your nails in front of me. I often have trouble filing my own nails. It has to be done with just the right pressure and I have to be in just the right mood for it not to bother me. Some co-workers have a habit of standing at my desk talking to me with a folded piece of paper and then they - ack! I almost can't say it! - run the fingernails of their pointer finger and thumb along the crease of the paper apparently to really lock in that crease (just typing that made me convulse a little bit). I swear when people do that I can almost feel my skin trying to rip itself off my body.

    I used to have thing with my eyes but only because I'm a klutz and have accidentally poked or almost poked myself in the eyes with various objects over the years. I'm much better now though.

    I love posts like this @STY because it makes me feel like being fucked up is actually normal. Thanks! :)

    ReplyDelete
  49. Mouth agape chewing
    You masticate food to death
    I silently vomit

    ReplyDelete
  50. I can't wait to read the posts above, but I will have to, because I NEED to share my THING! NOW.
    My thing is...wait for it...forks. Yes, forks.
    I am HORRIFIED by things going in between the tines of forks. Knives, napkins or GOD FORBID other fork tines. My back is tingling just writing this.
    And, no, it has nothing to do with sound. Anything slicing in between those tines sends me into fits. Emptying the dishwasher is traumatic if DH isn't around to do the silverware basket. I have to look away & shake them loose from the tray.
    I asked my mother if she used to lock me in a dark closet as a child, with nothing but 2 forks to keep me company, but she aint talkin.
    I'm tellin ya, if Jake Gyllenhaal was a teeth-to-fork scraper, or if R-Patz likes to cut his Hot Pocket by sliding the knife through (agh!) the fork, THE DEAL IS OFF!!
    I know I am not right, and how I yearn for someone, anyone, to have this same fear. I have found others who share my other, more minor things: frequent dreams about being unable to find a suitable place to pee and my near-erotic obsession with rubbing blanket-top silky strip between my fingers, under my lips, or behind my ears. You scoff? Try it. Feels so nice.
    Can we still be friends?

    ReplyDelete
  51. Happy to see I'm not alone in my bellybutton phobia! I swear, you toucha the bellybuttona I breaka yer face.
    STY, you would have not been good to have around when a container of super glue burst into my eye, burning off the cornea. Wanna hear something even weirder... your cornea fucking REGENERATES! Like a goddamn starfish. So my cornea Grew The Fuck Back.
    Crazy. Then I dated my eye doctor, but that's a really long story for another phobia...

    ReplyDelete
  52. @Tankergirl - I had a friend in high school who refused to use metal silverware. She ate only with plastic because she couldn't stand the way the fork felt in her mouth.

    Another weird thing of mine -- I can piss/shit in the woods, wash my hands without soap and I'm totally fine. Hell, I've gone to the bathroom in some horrifying places and have been unable to wash my hands. Whatevs.

    I hate the idea of trying on shoes that other people have put their feet into. It squicks me out. Badly.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I have many issues so I won't even go there. However I have been an unfortunate victim of curling iron to the eye. It happens and hurts like a mothafucka!

    ReplyDelete
  54. Back hair creeps me the fuck out. And bugs. Oh, and elevators. Any tight spaces.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Where do you broads get off getting me all curious about a curling iron that costs NINETY FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS AT WAL MART???!
    Dude, I can't eeeeeven relate to you anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Snarky - Ok I really believe we are related somehow. I have the eye thing too. When I was younger I scratched my eye with a book and I was horrified when the doctor had to take care of my eye, etc. I am not even going to explain it to spare us both.

    I also have a thing about belly buttons - I don't like them. As a child I always thought that it could open up and you would deflate. Somehow I still have not let go of this thought. Ugh

    ReplyDelete
  57. Eww totally have an issue with eyes too. So much so that I walked out of Minority Report because one of the opening scenes was a big ass close up of an eyeball. Ended up probably seeing a better movie anyway, but that's not the point...

    My eye issues come from one, some little jerk in my kindergarten class throwing sand in my eye. Who does that...plus I had to wear an eye patch for like a month. Oh, and I was the only girl in my class. Mom, why? Reason two being that I was facinated with those little squishy ball things filled with gel that dissolve in the bath and somehow squirted that crap into my eye. Ahh it stung so f*ing bad!

    I have a thing with knees too, but only mine..

    ReplyDelete
  58. I, being the absolute weirdo that I am, have lots of "things."
    Number 1, eyes! Yes, I cannot stand when people touch their eyeballs, I think it came from elementary school when people would flip their eyelids inside out, fucking disgusting.
    Number 2, mixing food! Ugh, it makes me gag. I cannot stand when my food touches, yet one of my favorite meals, shepards pie! Yup, I'm a freak. I've come to the conclusion the reason I'm okay with shepards pie is because that it the way you are suppose to eat it. But give me meatloaf, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots and don't let those fuckers touch!

    (I have had ex-boyfriends use both of these "things" because they think its funny to watch me gag)

    And the biggest most worst thing of things....
    splinters and paper cuts. The thought of touching wood makes me want to throw up. I don't know where this one came from because I didn't get very many splinters as a child, and my mom took them out when I was asleep, but its insane. If I have to move a piece of furniture that is made of wood that could potentially give me a splinter my mouth does that water thing that it does before you puke. Its so weird.

    ReplyDelete
  59. STY...
    I bought it, dagnamit. Aaaaand...
    I lurv it enuf that I may just cram it into my vagina,
    Hey, don't judge. My DH is deployed.I'm lonely.
    But, oh, does my hair look faboo!
    You twat wafs are good for more than just giggles & rob porn, eh? Who knew?

    ReplyDelete
  60. Reading through more of the comments made me realize I have more wierd things in common with you peeps. I too hate when I have to touch towels that are fresh out of the dryer, makes my skin crawl. Oh and the same goes for paper bags as well. What is that that makes us soo freakin' icked out my dry cardobard and or paper bags?!

    J

    ReplyDelete
  61. SNOT. Mine, Yours or the kid w/the crusties on it's (gag ohmagod gag) nose,cheeks or erp sleeve. There was this kid in school that used to like collect them on his sleeve ( just threw up n my mouth a little) On the desk. He'd like line them up in a row and play w/them. It was sick and wrong I tell ya !!

    And I'm w/ya on the eyes. Ever since the dead kid in the movie Stand by Me I just ugggg I don't like to look at people in the eyes when they talk. It has NOTHING to do w/being shy or feeling insecure ( I am but eye contact is not a prob !) I just can't stand that someone might get some of those eye boogies. Which leads us back to my aversion to snot. I'll totally technicolor yawn on them.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Having run a home daycare, as well as spent months in the hospital with a very sick Baby Cougar, there isn't much about body parts or fluids that gross me out anymore. I've caught snot, poop, and barf with intestinal lining chunks IN MY HANDS, and that'll desensitize your ass pretty quickly.

    But I do have one thing that causes major squickage. I REALLY, hate beards. Mustaches...I'm cool with. Beards are just all kinds of gross in my book. I've never, ever been even remotely attracted to a man with a beard (even BeardRob - so that's really saying something!)

    5'oclock shadow? Fine. Scruff where I can still see skin? OK. But full on, filled in chin muff makes me vommy. Eeew.

    MC

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!