Sunday, December 19, 2010

It's Sexy Time... Vampire Style


In our usual better-late-than-never manner, there was a bit of a flurry on Twitter the other day. Or, last week. Naturally, I had to go check it out because maybe it was Rob dumping Kristen and professing his undying love and devotion to me.

Yeah, right. I have a better chance of having a threesome with the wolf pack than I do of that ever happening.

Paul - I call dibs on her mouth.
Sam - I want the backdoor.
Skinny dude - I want the mouth and the backdoor. Wait, what's a backdoor?
Me - Holy fuck, I'm in trouble.

Anyway, back to the Twitter activity. It wasn't Rob but it was pretty fucking juicy. Really juicy, people.

Because it was about some vampire McLovin'. Fucking. Bumpin' uglies. The cold, sparkly horizontal tango. Mr. Wang gets introduced to Ms. Mons Venus.

I had a really witty comment for this picture but then I saw the placement of his hand and every coherent thought flew out of my brain.

Dudes, vampy Bella and Edward, like, totally do it. At some point in the next two movies. And there isn't going to be any namby-pamby fade to black bullshit, either. This is going to be full-on sparklepeen action.

From Lainey Gossip
K, so after the baby business they head over to the Cottage for what’s described as a “second honeymoon” with notes from the screenwriter that stress that this is to be VAMPIRE SEX and totally different from when they had sex before. Which basically means that they start mashing up against each other without restraint. Especially him. So there are a lot of accelerated motion quick cuts – him on top, then her on top, the camera’s speeding around them, they’re speeding around each other, like porn on 30x, legs and arms are whizzing by, at one point, a wall is smashed; she does it when she’s the aggressor, pinning him like he’s the weaker one, it’s his wrist that breaks the brick in the wall, until he throws her off, but landing on top of her, wildly and when I was reading this I kinda pictured mechanical monkeys but I think the close-ups on the face will make up for that. In between the quick edit speed sex, they’re supposed to zoom in on faces, all lusty and wanton and she puts her hands through his hair a lot.

My first thought was OMFGJMFHFBBQ!!!!!!!! Then I thought, "huh. Speedy sex? Does that mean Edward is a two pump chump or something? And do I even care?"

I want to give credit when it's due but I have no clue who made this. Presumably they've turned to ash in some kind of spontaneous combustion orgasm shortly after this manip was made...

I'm curious to see if they can pull this off because, while it sounds like it could be really hot and sexy, it also has the potential to be so ridiculously I'm-choking-on-my-beverage-from-laughing-so-hard hokey. Have you ever seen a porn on fast forward? Let's just say it's kind of funny (and NOT sexy) to watch some guy jackrabbit-fuck the shit out of some chick at like ninety miles an hour. I wonder if they'll make the weird high-pitched sound that tapes would make when you fast-forwarded them. Like, instead of moaning Bella will be all, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" but in a really high-pitched fast-forward-y voice.

Let's be honest here. I didn't like Breaking Dawn the book. I've already essentially written off Breaking Dawn the Suck Ass Movie (part one AND deux) as total fails.

Yup, what he (or she) said.

Not that this will stop me from standing in line on opening day with a flask hidden in my bag, natch.

But the possibility of vampire sex, no matter at how fast or slow, might make the movie just a little more interesting.

Now all they need to do is actually have a fight at the end, instead of a bunch of vampires acting like they're all on the some lame-ass high school debate team, and I might change my tune about the level of suckage that could be these movies.

Seriously, I still can't believe I read like 100 pages about a bunch of vampires just hanging out in a meadow, showing each other their proverbial cock n' balls but never actually doing anything. Pisses. Me. Off. These are blood-thirsty, super powerful supernatural fucking beings. There should have been blood and guts and death. Not fucking chatting.

Oh wait, maybe there will be after all (pssst, keep reading until you get to the end of the article)...


  1. I've decided to go to this movie drunk. It's the only way it'll be tolerable.

    I still say they should have gotten Woody Allen to write and direct this thing.

  2. Be that as it may, once I saw that manip of Robsten, all thought left me. I am now a puddle of need. That is all.

  3. Hot Vampire Sex? Yes, please.......

  4. Vampire speed sex. Even the running in fast motion is cringe worthy. I'm putting my money on hokey. Is there an over/under at Vegas for this bet?

  5. Oh, and I don't care how much it sucks or how much shit I get from friends and s/o for still holding on to my Twi-badge through 2012. I'll still be in line on opening day (or maybe the day after). I won't miss Rob nearly naked and fucking someone, even in fast forward.

  6. I won't relay too much on Lainey Gossip (I think she's a tw-hater). Anyhoo, I agree with you. I didn't like BD as well especially the ending. I know S. Meyer explained that she got the standoff scene from the Merchants of Venice, but Shakespeare she ain't. And don't get me started on the fade to black part (thank God for FanFiction for rectifying that). And most of all if she's hell bent on giving everyone a happy ending, why not make the dog imprint on Leah (where's her happy ending) instead on the demon baby.
    All in all, I'm only watching this movie for Rob (and hopefully a shirtless Kellan arm wrestling scene) and if they can spice it up with a vampire sex scene w/o making us dizzy, that make BD more

  7. I find myself constantly going to the same spot of the book in Breaking Dawn...the beach scene...Or the other sexy sex scenes..It was a loooong book to get through but I still can't wait for the movie....I'm pretty sure I could watch Rob in any movie and love it..

  8. Yeah, I have no shame when it comes to the Precious and sex. I'll be there at both BD I & II. I wonder if when the say speed sex if they're thinking along the lines of True Blood vamp sex? Honestly, that's the first thing that came to mind when I heard of about this.

  9. Read the article to the end and believe narry a word.

    Cullens die? Fast vamp sex? Hah.


    Doesn't mean I won't be in line with the rest of Twitardia, though!


  10. I don't care what happens, as long as I see some hot vampy action. It's not like they'll make it an R-rated movie. There are too many tweens and teens to count on for box office numbers. I can't imagine that we'll be seeing any amazing thrusting or tongues traveling between Bella's tits or anything (although I really, really REALLY want to see that). Who knows. Maybe they'll show EVERYTHING but make it go so fast that the censors won't knwo what the hell they're looking at until we get it to dvd and s.l.o.w. it down.

    I take Lainey with a grain of salt. I avoid her when I can, but if there's enough buzz, I'll head over to see wtf she's going on about.

  11. There is no reason why they can't film this shit like the sex scenes in THE NOTEBOOK unless Stephanie Meyer decides to but in.


  12. The battle with Cullens & wolves dying is supposedly going to happen in a vision that Alice has. It's what makes her decide to leave with Jasper to go find the other half breed kid in the Amazon. It's the only way they can get an actual battle with gore into the movie.

  13. I hold out virtually no hope. As someone said in my tl, Stephenie Meyer is a producer this time, folks. It'll never happen.

  14. I never made it past the Robsten manip...huh? what?

  15. Remember Yoda in I think it's the last Star Wars (or third if u are technical) Yup with his little lightsaber just a wizzing across the screen doing Crapping Tiger Humping Dragon ninja moves... Ya that's the visual I get when I read her description of Vampy lovin except instead of the glowing rod we get the sparkly peen !!

  16. Doesn't matter how much I hated BD. [I've read it 10 times. I hate it every time.]

    I'll still pay all my money to watch the precious. I'll watch him watch paint dry and be grateful that I have eyes that work!

  17. I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard....oh JJ you gorgeous creature do slay me.

    I am so damned excited to see this shit storm of a movie. I'll be attending w. a box of tissues and depends which I suspect I shall need due to the outrageous amounts of laughter.....

    Oh please please please to whom ever is in not fuck up the sexy times...DO NOT...We've stuck with you on this. We deserve it. That is all.

  18. So I've decided one of the only ways I'm going to LOOVE this movie is if I see it with a bunch of you h00rs. It better happen, or else. Also, kinda bummed I just realized that Jasper is only in like 1/8th of the movie because I've recently discovered I want to hump the shit out of Jackson Rathbone big time. Still a Rob lover but damn dude, that guy is HOT (not so much in the movies...not down w the blonde hair and the constipated looks). If you don't believe me, check out my tumblr. Hot damn.

    I'm really hoping this sex spoiler is correct because if we just see another leg hitch, I'm gonna go spider monkey on someone and not in a good way.

  19. I'm so with you @Jaymes805 "I've recently discovered I want to hump the shit out of Jackson Rathbone big time. Still a Rob lover but damn dude, that guy is HOT"!! Lol! We have to remeber that SM is the Executive Producer on this movie & she designed that FUGLY ENGAGEMENT RING.
    They will never get vampire sex as hot as True Blood, especially Eric Northman with Yvetta tied up in the basement for 5 hours.

  20. Gawd, yes, if you want hot vamp sex, True Blood does know how to do it....matter of fact, True Blood is where I go when I get frustrated with the Vampire Sunday School that SM has created....I hated BD as well, no matter how many times I read it, it never gets any better, but I appreciate certain parts of it (ie: vampire sex), so I'm hanging in, hoping for a little sparkle peen when it's all said and done. I mean, a whole fucking LOT of sparkle peen. Please, SM and MR, we've hung in, throw us a bone (and make it cold and sparkly, please. and really big...)Ok, and BTW, I think I passed out cold at that manip, it's the last thing I remember before waking up with my tongue stuck to the computer screen.

  21. How about a twitarded premiere event that we allllll attend? (did I say attend? I meant host) (Oh, and by "all" I mean Rob and us) Oh where, oh where would we have this soiree???? LA??? NY??? London??? Hmmmmm JillS

  22. I had read those end spoilers, as well as what Marna said. I would totes be disappointed if that did happen, but part of me kind of expects it since the book was just too sugary happy endings. (though I totally love the last 2 pages)

    But how the fuck did I miss the bits about sex? Maybe because I just won't believe it until I see it. I still say we really won't see anything, that it'll still manage to be PG13. Oh well, imma be all hot and bothered no matter what they show!

  23. I'm with @jaymes805 on both points; 1. Must see this movie with twi-h00rs & 2. Jackson is totes fuckable ;)

  24. Hey I could live with doing away with Rosalie. She's a bitch anyway. If they must kill off Vampires I really hope they kill Jane that bitch has it coming. And if werewolves are also casualties Leah is the first that comes to mind.
    Sorry so cynical, it's Monday:(

  25. @Cullenary Curser - LOL! I bet a little toke o' da smoke will help make it tolerable too.

    I have no hopes for this movie at all which is great because anything that is reasonably good is going to exceed my expectations. I don't expect any more or less than what was in the book except for one thing. In the book I loved Bella as a vamp and in the movie they're going to make her pasty white with Rosalie-style makeup and that will be the extent of her vampitude I'm guessin'. That part is gonna be a total fail.

    No matter what they do to this story I will be in the theater watching the movie like the rest of you because it's something I just have to do.

  26. I just wanted to chime in and say that I cannot wait for the total motherfucking shit show that this movie is SURE to be. There is NO WAY it won't be laughably ridiculous, and I am looking forward to it with unrestrained glee.

    Actually, I've been meaning to get a flask since I brought a travel mug full of wine to the Harry Potter premiere in my purse and ended up with a bag full of sticky. Maybe I'll get one special for the Breaking Dawn premiere? Maybe I'll even have it engraved for the occasion! My Official Stephenie Meyer is Batshit and So Am I For Attending This Movie Flask!

  27. Bah! I had to skim, my "just the tip" is officially turning into a torn twi-hymen. FUCK me!

  28. Aaaaaagh! Your caption to the wolfpack photo JJ - I nearly pee'd my panties (and that would NOT have been a good thing, since I'm at work).

    Being at work also means that I had to - very quickly - skim over that manip, but "Holy Crow!" I'll back this evening to take a good long look before disappearing off for some 'me-time' (iykwim).

    Brilliant post, as always. I didn't want to be a spoiler-h00r, but there's just no staying away from The Precious. Bring it on!

    CC x

  29. Agree that the "scenes" where any Cullens die will be only in Alice's visions. Stephenie Meyer isn't going to be on the 17-hour bonus DVD saying, "Well, I wish I would have thought about killing off some Cullens but it hadn't occurred to me at the time. I'm sooo glad we did it for the movie."

  30. Have you ever watched Trueblood? There is an episode where Eric speed fucks some chick and let me tell you, its fucking sexy! Thing is there is nudity on HBO, and there will be no nudity here.

    I'm excited about this movie but I think every time I read these books I put myself in the "suspend your disbelief bubble" its all sparkly hearts and butterflies for me. I don't notice the stupid shit, but I do make fun of it all the time.


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