Wednesday, December 22, 2010

O' Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree... You Better Look Perfect. Or Else. Helloooo OCD...

Ah yes, the holiday season. Like many of you, I'm up to my eyeballs getting ready for the epic battle known as Christmas.

I might as well come clean here--Christmas makes me kind of cranky. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy who has thirty-two inflatable Santas and so many Christmas lights you can see his house from Mars. At least I don't have to squint to see the road sign when I need to turn down his street.

Thanks to this guy, the aliens have pinpointed the location of Earth from outer space and are coming to search and destroy. You ruined mankind, Mr. Christmas Lights Guy!!

Let's face it - I'm an asshole. Patience is a concept that escapes me and mall crowds amp up my stress to a killing-spree level. While I love spending time with the family and gorging myself on food for days on end, for the most part, I can take or leave Christmas. I make Ebenezer Scrooge look like fucking Santa Claus.

If I see this bitch at my front door Christmas Eve, she's getting a swift kick right in her "Christmas present." And I'm hiding the toaster.

But I get a few days off from work and have an excuse to drink before five so there's that.

Now wait--before you think I'm just sitting here, gleefully taking a piss all over your cockle-warming holiday joy, I'm not. Despite my general bah-humbug-ness toward the holidays, there is one thing that I truly enjoy and look forward to every year.

The Christmas tree.

My mother fucking Christmas tree. And it's not crooked so don't even go there. I was leaning funny to get the picture.

And by "enjoy" I mean "totally obsess over the placement of lights, ornaments and doodads to the point where I become a raging homicidal maniac."

ML used to help me with the tree but he stopped a few years ago because I apparently crushed his Christmas spirit or something. Whatever. It's not like he has proof or anything.

I'm a jerk. And RIP Gizmo aka chicken

I suppose the Christmas tree is one of those traditions I feel compelled to carry on. I loved the tree as a little kid, even more so when there were oodles of presents stuffed under enough. As a teenager, it was practically a religious fucking experience to get baked and lie down under the tree and stare at all the twinkly lights that Mommy (not a)Jerkface spent hours putting up.

I was lying under the tree getting attacked by ornaments trying to take this picture when ML walked into the living room, watched as a four pound ornament of Hagrid crushed my sternum and asked me if I was taking up pot smoking. I shit you not. Also, the view is not that amazing when you're not sixteen and stoned. Just sayin'.

Frankly, I was always baffled at how long it took my mother to set up the Christmas tree but then the OCD [STY's note - don't you mean CDO??] I clearly inherited from her kicked in when I was in my mid-twenties and I found myself up at two in the morning, crying because I couldn't get the fucking lights "just right."

I'm not very religious so I'm not sure why the Christmas tree is so absurdly important to me. Seriously, the last time I stepped foot in a church was for a wedding and ML's friend leaned over and whispered, "I thought they didn't let your kind in here." And I told him to fuck off and ML covered his face with his hands because he thinks I'll disappear and not embarrass the shit out of him when he does that. He's wrong.

And apparently you're not supposed to tell someone to fuck off in a church. Even if you are whispering.

At any rate, I guess this is a long roundabout way of one asshole saying "happy holidays" to a bunch of wonderful, amazing and snarky-as-hell twats.


Now get off of my lawn.


  1. JJ doesn't like Christmas? Shocked. Shocked and appalled I tell you.

    Really though, I'm finding out more and more people actually hate it.

    However, I too LOVE the christmas tree. Maybe because it's just another sparkly distraction.

  2. Oh Tannenbaum and all that shit. I am obsessive over Christmas decorations. It's part of the reason I am so happy that we "can't" decorate for the holiday. Since we'll be out of town for the week visiting the 'rents, there's no point in buying a tree or any of that jizz. And it saves me from popping pills when someone moves shit from one side of the shelf to another w/o permission. GETTHEFUCKAWAYFROMMYSHIT!!!

    Glad to hear I'm not the only Christmas asshole who takes the tree a little too seriously.

    PS I missed your sexy voice :) Now go get your stocking stuffed.

  3. As we speak, Mr CC is putting up the tree because I don't give a fuck about decorating for Christmas.

    I think in the 4 Christmases we've been married we've never put up the tree any earlier the week before Christmas and we've only decorated it once (last year and maybe if we're lucky this year). Yeah, we get the tree, put it up and can't be bothered to decorate. Lazy fuckers.

    Christmas baking though, I'm all over that.

  4. I love you!!!....will you marry me?? Happy Holidays!!! :) I love all my Twilight twats..just so you all know!

  5. I think I like the "idea" of Christmas and all that you are supposed to be able to do, but the reality is always kind of a let down. Our tree is up and the kids helped decorate and then I had to redecorate when they got bored because everything was on the same side and the most awful looking sparkly ornaments that they picked out when they were little were in the front (not anymore).

    Then there is the whole "family" thing which might be nice if your inlaws don't think you are the devil but apparently that ship has sailed in my case. My mother absolutely loves my husband so he can't understand what it's like to have inlaws that don't like you. It just makes the holidays more fun I guess. I just grin and bear it and try to make people uncomfortable when they say stupid shit...which almost always happens.

    I have done a lot of baking though and that always makes me happy! Now I just have to wrap.

  6. I forgot to mention that my stupid dog thinks the tree is a water bowl. I guess it's better than him peeing on it but still...

  7. Regarding the tree in the video: You didn't leave it like that, did you? The lights were insanely uneven. Or maybe I'm the insane one. Whatever.

    I have my back to our tree right now because 2 of the red ornaments are too close together. I can sense them.

    Happy holidays, hookers!

  8. Wishing everyone in Twitardia a very happy holiday.

    Love you hard!

  9. This year my kids...and when I say kids that includes my husband because he is the biggest kid of them all...decided we needed the biggest fucking tree in the state of Iowa. So 3 home improvemnet stores and 2 tree lots later we end up with a 16ft tree tied to the top of our car. It takes my husband, a nieghbor, me and my 10 year old son to get the thing inside the house. When I go to put the lights on the damn thing I have to go to the top of our stairs and lean over the railing with a Nerf sword to hang the lights on it. Our tree looks like 2year old handicap kids decorated it! I will probably go fucking crazy by christmas obsessing about it.

  10. Do you know who would have a kick-ass tree?!? Alice Cullen. She works magic with twinkle lights on a regular basis! Her tree would be spectacular! (See how I brought it back around to Twilight?)

    Anyhoo...your tree is gorgeous! Mine as a wee bit of a hole in the back, but then again that's why it's the back. The hubs puts the lights on; I put on the ornaments. It's a team effort!

  11. LoL, I heart you hard, JJ.

    My mom is always totally in to trees and decorating and all that shit, but I personally never have been. This is the first Christmas in 7 years that I've lived on the mainland and not in Hawaii, so I'm just used to never decorating. I always came home for the holidays where mom would have everything all done.

    I basically just love the excuse to hang out with the family.:)

    Merry Christmas all of you h00rs!!

    -formerly charla

  12. @Beth - there's a fanfic out there that's a Christmas theme and has Esme and Alice decorating and you are totally right: they would pwn Christmas decoration. It's called A Better Christmas by Juliet729 (on Twilighted:

    Aaaanyway, JJ, I feel you. I was determined to not decorate this year AT ALL, and my husband told his folks we hadn't gotten a tree, so they showed up that night on our doorstep with a tree. That was a week or so ago, and TH decorated it, decorated the house, and basically brought Christmas inside. It's very festive in here; I like to think of it as festivity by force. The last few years, I just haven't felt like doing Christmas, so I can't get into it, but I used to be the same way about the tree - when I was a kid, I would redecorate the tree over and over until I had it perfect. I'm pretty sure my parents were worried about me.

    Happy holidays, laaaaaaaaaaaaaadies.

  13. When you have children you cannot be OCD about the Christmas tree. I let them own it now...and it is fine and dandy. I love the haphazard way they decorate it.

    Loved the video JJ. Fucking awesome proof of your OCD at the end. Was that a scoff I heard from ML?

    I wonder what Rob puts on his tree.....maybe he strings Heineken caps and guitar picks together and cuts Christmasy shapes out of his Hot Pockets boxes.

  14. You are one up on me. I will get the tree up! Get off my lawn!

    I've done some baking like Cullenary Curser. That's all

  15. JJ, I don't know you, have never met you, but I already know that I heart you. That's all.

  16. I feel the exact same way, and it has taken me along time to cave and finally let my son "help" me decorate the Christmas tree. I just have to breathe deep and "woosah" every time I walk by.

    p.s. I thought I was the only one who laid under the tree and marveled at it trance-inducing awesomeness.

  17. I love decorating - the tree, the apartment, whatever. My husband is not so much into it, but he learned to accept the fact that the inside of his house twinkles this time of year.

    Anyhow, Merry Christmas, have fun, and get wasted.


  18. JJ - I heart you!

    I am quite similar about my tree, my CDO about the lights is evident for all to see. I am waiting until the Boxing Day sales this year to buy more, the ones I have just aren't doing it for me.

    We're not quite as hard-core about outdoor decorations in NZ, for a start it's summer so it isn't really dark until about 9pm, not really much opportunity to see things all lit up. Some people are starting to decorate the outside of their houses, I think they've been influenced by our Northern Hemisphere cousins, but they do look kinda out of place when they're the only ones in the street.

    Merry Christmas, h00rs!

  19. I do love Christmas, but it's so stressful now that the joy has been sucked right out of it.

    I like to think it'll be worth the effort when I see the kids happiness on the morning of, but lets face it, they'll be all annoying and greedy: "gimme; NEXT; I didn't want clothes; I want what he/she has."

    Plus I'm selfish enough to miss the good ol days when I got lots of presents (AND didn't have to go buy them myself).

    To give Mr NotSmitten a tiny bit of credit, he cracked me up when he labelled the ringbox (I picked out and bought the ring) To Smitten from British Pretty Boy.

  20. I love Christmas trees so effin much! This year I put one in every room. Yep, EVERY room. That 13 trees, mind you. And every time I call my cats for dinner they come bounding out from beneath a tree. *sigh* Those twinkling lights are like Xanax on a stick.

  21. I am also OCD when it comes to decorating the xmas tree. I do most of it by myself but the hubs has a couple of "his" ornaments that he likes to put on the tree. As soon as he leaves the room, they are promptly moved to better spots lol. He likes to put them too close (like on the same branch as other ornaments... gasp!) *shakes head* He also likes to tell me when to stop putting ornaments on the tree... he doesn't like "too many." He's such a fucking critic ugh. lol. This year, I had to put shatter proof ornaments on the tree because we have a 7 month old puppy who is the spawn of satan and destroys everything in her path. So sadly my tree is not up to my high standards *sigh* There's always next year...

    Hope all you twat waffles have a marvelous Christmas full of delightful alcoholic bevies and wonderful presents!! xoxo

  22. I love your tree, JJ. It reminds me of the trees we had growing up. I'm a colored lights girl. And no matchy-matchy. I like unique, one of a kind type ornaments. I have a Charlie Brown-esque tree I've had since I was a kid. It's so old and really sad looking, but I still load it down with lights and ornaments!

    Merry Christmas, all your fabulous twatwaffles! Eat, drink, be merry and may you dream of a sugar plummed-RPattz dancing in your head :)

  23. OK...before my daughter leaves a comment, I will admit that after she and her father finished decorating the tree, I would sneak in and do a little "rearranging". Soooo, sue me!

  24. I'm with Cullenary Curser I'm too fucking lazy to put up a tree or decorate. No one is coming over, we always go to the everyone elses house plus we live in a rual area and our house is in the middle of 4 acres surrounded by trees so no one gonna see it.

    So meh why bother.

    When we first moved in I thought it would be a great idea to buy a live tree and plant it on the property after.

    Yah right brilliant idea.. NOT

    I have three dead sticks of christmas trees past dotted around the property. Every try to decorate a blue spruce tree? Fuckers got sharp needles!

    Merry Christmas H00rs!

  25. I love it all. Christmas trees, decorations, cards, cookies, cookies, cookies... uh oh I am stuck. I have had a tree decorated every year - my fave... the year my hubby had his appendix out and we decorated it with all his stuff from the hospital (except the appendix, the wouldn't let us have it) and his hair cover was the topper. Hubby used to be a quadrant decorator - no same items in any quadrant of the tree - I just put it all on and it always seems to work :)

    Merry Christmas Twitarded and Twitardia. I love you all and thank you for your friendship and Forks trip!!!! Hugs all around

  26. Perfuckt and hysterical as always. I'm the worst procrastinator ever and terrible at shopping, wrapping, decorating, I believe all of those activities are tolerable only with alcohol and loud rock and roll Christmas music. Somehow, I have been blessed with a daughter, now 5, who is a craft-doing, gift-wrapping, decorating fool. My 5 year-old is literally coloring pictures of Santa and gingerbread men and taping them to my walls. Her presents, bought at the kindergarten Santa Shop, are already wrapped. Like I don't feel pathetic enough. So, I'm gonna go do some last minute shopping and wrapping and drink some rum-and-eggnog (which has to have some nutritional value, right?). Merry Christmas, Twitard ho0rs. Love ya!

  27. I love Christmas Trees!! I finally this year got to have my first one in like uh...8 years probably. (My parents were never really big on the whole tree thing.) So my roommate left for a couple week & I went out & picked a beautiful tree! I got it decorated JUST PERFECT. Now the roommate & her kid are coming back today. IT'S ALL GOING TO BE RUINED! They are so going to ruin my perfect Christmas tree, Christmas cards set out, present layout, and clean house. At least I am leaving for my parents house tomorrow so I won't see the destruction. Hopefully. (I am completely crazy about this kind of stuff.) Happy Christmas!! xoxo

  28. Ditto what @Dangrdafne said. I love Christmas. I just don't let the stress get to me - I like doing cards, and who doesn't like shopping? And my OCD, I mean CDO, makes me really enjoy wrapping gifts with crisp corners and the paper on straight (this is why I try to avoid striped wrapping paper - the stripes MUST be straight) and stacking them neatly. It's like another opportunity to organize. Win.

  29. :D
    This was great to read on my lunch break at my insane retail job. Thanks, JJ!

  30. Easy way to get the lights "just right" every year? Get a pre-lit fake tree! It's amazing! I always swore I'd never get a fake tree, but having it pre-lit sold me. Just buy a few pine-scented candles and you'll never know the difference - except for the lack of hissy fit over the uneven lights. :)

    Merry Christmas, JJ! You made me cry tears of laughter yet again with this one. And one who also suffers (or sometimes enjoys) CDO, I can totally relate. And the church thng? I'm there with you on that one, too. Although I don't know that even I would have had the balls to tell someone to fuck off in church! You are my hero...

  31. LOVE your tree!

    But, um, you missed a spot.

  32. I do enjoy a good Christmas tree only when they are others.

    And you can tell someone to "Fuck Off" in church, well I believe in a church that believes Jesus is the Lord. I mean Jesus forgives all and everything. Well He tells me that every time I come crawling back after months or years of sinning.

  33. JJ
    I feel ya girl. There is a photo of me giving my hubby the finger as I'm decorating our first Christmas tree. So, I know where you're coming from.

    Hubs and I get the tree in the stand and then he disappears leaving me to the lights and decorations. Now that we have two daughters, they have their own decorations from over the years that they put on themselves. I may or may not move them around once they leave. I think I've been called the Christmas tree Nazi once or twice.

  34. I got my daughter to decorate my tree this year by threatening to do a Twilight theme(I've got red and black ornaments).So now I have a tasteful silver and white tree.

    I never went for the perfect tree - too many funky ornaments in my collection.(wicked witch of the west,fish skeletons, devil ducks...)Recently I've been doing the university/employer color scheme while I wait until I get enough small devil ducks to do a whole tree.

    I guess you could call me the anti-traditionalist! (Well, there are all those cute bears and nutcrackers scattered around the house...along with all the Christmas theme troll dolls)

    This year,tho,the best decoration is FSE, Eclipse edition, with his jaunty Santa hat. Very festive.

  35. OHHHH. MYYYY. GAWDDDDD!!!! JJ, you are truly a woman after my own heart!!!! I didn't think that anyone could possibly be as anal as I am over the freakin tree. This year I totally opted to skip the holiday decor and shananagins that go with the season, however, my 'fabulous' eleven year old decorated the whole freaking house while I was asleep!!!!! ARRRRGHGHGHG. Hmmm, I had thought that spending a tree free holiday and just getting wasted instead to celebrate my birthday, which falls on the same day, would work well. But I am knocked up with about enough ativan to kill a horse just so I can go to the bathroom without focusing on Rudolf staring at me! Can I get stranded on that deserted island asap...I swear I will only bring three things...the vodka, soap, and lotion....PLEASE!!!!! (PS~her tree is killing me!!!!! I am feeling the gawd awful need to redo and then send all her Twilight gifts back!!! Unconditional love is a really big commitment!!)

  36. JJ, you're tree is crooked. Just sayin'. LMAO!

    I love you big time, you know that. Have a safe and happy holiday.



  37. JJ, I adore you.

    As a Jewwy McJewerson, I've always wondered what on EARTH gets you people dragging live trees into your house and putting a full metric ton of crap on it.

    I had a Christmas tree one year, when I lived with a roommate. I was so psyched! But now I can officially say that holy crap, y'all are NUTS. The SAP. MY GOD, THE SAP. IT WAS EVERYWHERE, AUUUGGGGHHH. And it wouldn't come off your hands with just soap! You had to use like, vegetable oil, and THEN soap! Three times!

    Anyways, it was lovely, and we named it Francis (he seemed like he needed a name), but when Francis died, holy shit, needles EVERYWHERE. And we totally left a gigantic, conspicuous trail of dead pine needles leading back to our apartment door, which we attempted to surreptitiously hide. Unsuccessfully.

    In any case, I will come over and enjoy the pretty trees of you goyim, but for myself, I'll just chill with my low-maintenance menorah and burn a pine scented candle.

    Happy Holidays, everyone!!


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