Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Rob Pattinson Holds a Baby. Women Everywhere Ovulate. Film at 11.

If you heard a strange noise earlier in the day, that was the sound of millions of ovaries coming out of hibernation. Brace yourselves, ladies. Robert Pattinson held a baby. Er, sort of.

Photo from Robsessed.

What I find most interesting about this is that it was clearly taken with the last known 8mm camera in existence. I half expect to see a young Walter Cronkite in the background. Did this person's camera have the ability to travel back in time or did it just have an "extra grainy" setting?

One thing that is clear is Rob has fantastic parenting instincts. For a cat.

This is how you carry babies of all species, right?

He couldn't look more awkward if he was wearing a sombrero and tap shoes. Shouldn't he be practicing for Breaking Dawn? Once again Summit is dropping the damn ball. If I were them, I'd have him carrying around a Cabbage Patch Kid in a Baby Bjorn at least three hours a day. Get it together, Summit! Rob needs to look natural toting his half-breed spawn.

"I like to be swaddled, bitches." This is how I will always picture Renesmee.

Allegedly the baby pictured is not biologically his. I should hope not. My cat is still looking for child support payments. It's not easy being a single mother/father who sleeps twenty-three hours a day and spends the other time constantly grooming. Believe me, I would know.

Because I'm all altruistic and shit, I feel I should offer Rob some spawn wrangling tips. A few years ago I came across a book called Safe Baby Handling Tips by David and Kelly Sopp. I wish this book had been around when the boy was a wee one. These tips are invaluable. Rob, take note.

Never lift with the head. And always bend your knees.

This will be an easy rule to remember when the baby grows teeth.

Babies can't hold their liquor. Trust.

It seems logical to keep babies & their clothes stored in the same locale, but authorities frown on it.

A baby will unbalance a washer or dryer faster than you can spell CPS.

Homeless sitters are easy on the pocketbook, but try explaining to the daycare why Jr. will only drink from a sippy cup in a paper bag.

Now it's your turn to share your thoughts on random girl, Rob and baby makes three. Were you in hormonal overdrive or were you unmoved? Talk (and ovulate) amongst yourselves.

52 comments:

  1. I'm laughing so hard I can barely breathe! That Renesmee just killed me! And it is so obvious that he's uncomfortable holding that child.

    The girl posing with him, the mother of the baby, is actually the actress who plays Sue Clearwater, which concerns me. She looks so young for Sue.

    I think that is a great basic parenting manual that many men could benefit from.

    Epically funny post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OK according to what I read [briefly - and quicky! so i may have gotten it wrong???] - that is the chick who is playing Sue Clearwater - and Rob is holding her baby, Bella (not kidding). Really??? Totally baffled here... Anyone want to be the voice of reason here and dispell the rumors while I go an giggle-snot over those fuck-awesome "Do/Don't" pics one more time??? anyone? anyone? Bueller???

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congratulations, TK! I only had to read a couple sentences and I thought "this post is by TK" LOL! btw, that's a compliment. I just think it's awesome when I can identify writing styles between you awesome twatwaffles!
    I'm so glad Twitarded didn't waste ANY time posting about poor Robward's awkward position in holding babies. hahaha! love.

    ReplyDelete
  4. If I see anyone "swoon" over that picture of Rob because he's holding a baby I'm going to tell you that you are a moron and you most likely hate your children or children you will have in the future. If you want your baby to be injured and/or killed, let Rob hold it. I would be so nervous. It's unfortunate that the photographer did not get a photo of what happened 2 seconds later after Rob dropped the kid.

    And the do's and don't's, I still don't see a problem with the don't's. But I don't like kids, so....

    ReplyDelete
  5. @STY- I read that too. The lady is the woman that plays Sue and her baby's name is Bella and clearly the baby was born after she got the part in New Moon.... can it be weirder.

    TK awesome post! I was thinking "Don't drop that baby!" and "Hold it like a football.... what do you mean?? No not that kind... American Football!!!"

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love that baby instruction book.Got it for my brother when he became a father at 51. Figured he needed the help.

    ReplyDelete
  7. That book was my fiance's favorite book when I was pregnant. The book that has a wheel of responsibility on it (you spin it to decide who has to change the baby's diaper). Even though we haven't used the wheel (we figured out responsibilities based on the "did you push out a 9 lb 22 in baby without the help of heavy duty, reality-impairing drugs? no? then you get to do whatever the hell I don't feel like doing" method), I still think it's so cute that my fiance keeps believing that we'll some day fairly distribute the responsibilities.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think the pic is creepy--of course I don't know the situation there, but I think its weird when people have others take pics w their babies. I think they should just leave the babies out of it, when it's the adults that want the pic anyway--cause you're always gonna make the other person feel awkward and compelled to take a pic w your baby, bc no one wants to dis the kid. It's passive-agressive manip, I guess moms learn it early--I know mine did!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yup, Robsessed says it's the girl who plays Sue Clearwater...in fact I think they're right. If you watch the bonfire scene from Eclipse...pretty sure it's her.

    What I find funny is that she actually named her baby Bella...did she just like the name, OR is she a closet Twitard and just happened to land the roll of Sue C. in Ecipse/BD?! Hmm...

    Baby is cute, as is Rob...and he does look awkward. However, I'm sure most guys would look awkward if you just handed them a baby and said "here, pose!"

    My ovaries did splode'. And once again TK, thank you for your hysterical posts. I have come close to pissing my panties quite often since you joined this Twitarded cult.

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  10. TK you are a force to be reckoned with my friend. I think that book came out after I had my first child....wish I had thought of it.

    Rob doesn't look so bad for a 24 year old that has probably not held many babies. Though I agree they better get some baby wrangling boot camp trainings set up ASAP.

    I think I ovulate every time I see him regardless of what he is doing....maybe that's why my periods are so fucked up. My uterus has been closed for business for 5.5 years now but every look at him makes makes the chained doors rattle and strain.

    ReplyDelete
  11. He looks awkward holding that baby, yeah, blah blah blah BUT more importantly: HIS HAIR IS TOO FUCKING SHORT!!! No, no, no to short Edward hair!! It just makes me mad.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Bahaha, that image of "Renesmee" is great - I'm pretty sure I'm going to think of her as that for now on :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. And this is why I am proud to call this my home. I commented on Robsessed earlier how his awkward baby wrangling skills were making me hilariously incontinent and I about got booed out of town. Glad to know my mind isn't the only one that went there :)Loves you guys!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. First of all, the pic of "Renesmee" and the Baby Do/Don't pics are fucking hilarious! "Babies can't hold their liquor. Trust." :)

    I have to agree with @Twired Jen and @Vitamin R...yeah he may look a little awkward but probably isn't in the habit of even holding babies, much less holding one while having a Kodak moment.

    Surely he won't look so inept when he cuddles little Renesmee (unless of course she does end up looking like the pic featured in this post, in which case who would blame him for looking awkward).

    Anyway, awkward or not, my ovaries totally whimpered when I saw this!

    ReplyDelete
  15. L.O.F'ING.L The "I like to be swaddled, bitches." pictured made me spit out my pizza onto my comp. Hahahaha.

    Dude... sorry to say but I was unmoved by this picture. It's blurry, Rob looks uncomfortable and the whole thing was just eh for me. A huge build up to nothing...I was hearing about pics all over twitter and I saw it only to be disappointed. I'd rather him be holding a bottle of vodka, I would have been stoked because that's what makes me happy. Alcohol. I'm guessing by this u can tell I have no children haha. It's not that I don't love them, I'm sure if he was holding my child, I'd feel different.

    @STY Thank you for saying Bueller. Every time people say that, I feel like they are calling me since my last name and that last name are only 1 letter off. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. True he looks a little awkward...but not totally horrified. So I think there is hope.

    @tk, once again I PMSL at one of your posts. One eord, awesomesauce!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Actually, I think Rob looks quite natural with the baby in his arms - yes, I'm quite aware that he is not holding it properly. I agree with Twired Jen. All men look awkward when you hand them someone else's baby.

    In any case, this was a hilarious post, TK. All throughout, I was wondering who was the author.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I forgot someone (prolly STY) told me that was "Sue Clearwater." Did I mention my NM DVD is broken & I never get to the Sue Clearwater parts? Also, he could be posing with Margaret Thatcher & Indira Gandhi & I'd still say, "Move, bitches! You're blocking his shot!"

    ReplyDelete
  19. LOL!! I agree that he looks awkward, but that's to be expected of anyone who doesn't have to do it regularly, especially young guys!

    I'd still like to know how the hell they plan handle the Renesmee stuff, I mean the girl they cast is 9, not a baby. I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

    ReplyDelete
  20. It's the dud ovary's turn this month, maybe that's why this pic doesn't affect me much. Or maybe it's because he looks as awkward as most twenty-something guys do when told 'here, hold this.' Hell, my dad STILL holds babies like that.

    LOVE that she-who-must-not-be-named pic. Seriously peed a little from laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  21. As far as awkward goes, my husband still looked awkward when he was handed our 4th child in the delivery room, and he had had quite a lot of baby experience, so don't be too hard on Rob. He's holding the kid and it hasn't hit the floor--yet--so he's doing a passable job.
    And ovaries--mine are obviously overactive, what with the 4 kids and all--but thank God I've had all the kids I'm gonna have, cause what was left of mine exploded into smithereens with that pic--sounded like the damn 4th of July at my house. But I'm with the other h00rs here, it doesn't take a pic of Rob holding a baby specifically to make my ovaries sweat like a whore in church, it just takes any pic of Rob, anywhere. He can take a roomful of fertile women and reduce their ovaries to mush. I hope Kristen wears lead aprons or some such shit around him, for protection.
    TK, this post had me at "I like to be swaddled, bitches" and it never let go after that. I think I swallowed my tongue laughing. God, I love this site.

    ReplyDelete
  22. That Renesmee picture gets me every single time.

    And you're not supposed to give babies alcohol??? Oops.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You should have been in tumblr when that pic came out. That poor woman was cropped out of existence, and someone manip it with KStew's face and was stupid enough to start a rumor its their love child.
    Rob look so adorkable while trying not to drop the baby. They should have made him hold a pack of Heineken instead, he knows how to hold on to that.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'd honestly rather not picture Robbie with a baby. That means responsibility *nods* I have a 2 year-old and the last thing I want to have to worry about is cleaning up poo when we could be doing...er something...;)

    ReplyDelete
  25. He looks so awkward holding that baby I thought it was fake. I do hope be gets some practice in before holding the baby in the movie!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Too funny TK!

    I think the baby is Sue and Charlie's love child. You know how he's been hanging out with her. LOL!

    DO NOT DO: Calming baby or Drying baby, VERY BAD!

    ReplyDelete
  27. He looks pretty much like every other dude in existance when they hold a baby. I'll admit it's kinda cute, but as I am not a kid person it doesn't affect me much.

    I would have however had to change my panties if it was a picture of him riding a horse. ;-) I know I liked it when Jackson did in his Eclipse flashback.

    (I've got something he can come & ride right here...lol.)

    ReplyDelete
  28. OH..MY..FUCKING..GOD..... i am writing thru my tears, i am laughing SOOOOOO fucking hard,after reading the post AND the comments!!!! you guys FUCKING ROCK, i spit my coffee all over my lappy @ the reneswhateverhernameis pic, and thats how i will forever picture her, i will prob be thrown out of the theater when itshe is born, for my hysterical fits of laughter!!!! love u guys hard!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Yeah, him with a random baby doesn't do anything for me...maybe if it were OURS that'd be different.

    And, I'd really like to see him tap dancing with a sombrero. Please, make that happen.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'm laughing so hard, that I almost pee my panties.
    Those pictures of how to carry a baby are hilarious, and yes Summit should get their shit together!
    Also he looks kind of forced to pose on that picture, maybe the kid had a dirty diaper or somenthing. lol

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm pretty sure the baby is looking at Rob and is infatuated with his jaw...either that or she just farted on him, which would be fantastic.

    FYI- I'm terrified that they will make Renesmee all loads of adorable in BD and we will all feel like assholes for mocking her...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Bwhahahhahaa Oh Twitarded, I love thee. Yes yep.. I think I just pissed myself! Those what not to do baby pics slay, just slay! And my ovaries exploded too.. and I don't even like kidz! Hey, didn't Rob once say he didn't like kids?.. Omg, we're kindred!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Laughing. My. Fucking. Ass. Off. Holy shit, @TK, that was hilarious. '... And always bend your knees.' LOL!

    When I saw the photo I immediately thought that this crazy woman pro'ly thrust her baby into Rob's arms unexpectedly and yelled to the photographer (and I use that word loosely) 'Quick! Take it! Take it now!!' Hence the graininess and the awkwardness. Then I find out her baby's name is Bella and that only cemented my thoughts that a) she's a total wackjob b) Rob was caught completely off guard but didn't want to piss off the wackjob.

    I think Rob would look very awesome with a baby if said baby were not forced upon him awkwardly for a photo op.

    Sue Clearwater portrayer, you frighten me.

    Was she in NM? I don't 'member Sue bein' in NM AT ALL.

    ReplyDelete
  34. OMH -- not sure what is funnier...the post or the comments. Can't believe I almost missed this post!!

    ReplyDelete
  35. TK - before your "We Make Babies W/ RPattz" post a couple of weeks ago I would have totally ovulated at the sight of this picture, but after seeing the hideous spawn that hot Vanity Fair Rob and I would produce my ovaries are closing the gates to my tubes faster than St. Peter is going to close the gates to heaven when I depart this earth....just saying.


    Great post! I can't wait to see him wrangle a kid in the film...but we are going to have to wait almost 2 years for that since the half-breed won't make an appearance until part 2....I suspect.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Thank you. I needed to laugh today. But what messed me up is that baby looked like one of mine!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Rob has said in two separate interviews that he hopes to be a young father. He is so close with his family. I read a fan's account of meeting Rob in a museum in Tennessee when he was filming WFE and she had her young child with her in the stroller. She said that Rob remarked how cute her child was. It wouldn't surprise me at all if Rob actually wanted to hold Alex Rice's baby. He may look awkward, but that's so Rob. He's adorkable. And just look at those big hands and long fingers. He has that baby wrapped up with them. I love that she's looking up at him.

    I didn't swoon when I saw the picture, but I definitely went "Awwwwww." LOL! Rob knows how to turn it on when filming or being photographed. I'm sure he'll make being a father in BD believable.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I fucking love you @TK and I want to have your baby.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Yeah, Rob does look awkward, poor Rob...
    The manual is hysterical!

    ReplyDelete
  40. What I want to know is how life-sized Edward cardboard cutout escaped from Twitarded headquarters to awkwardly hold this lady's baby. Or maybe the time traveling camera turned the real Rob into a cardboard cutout.

    Fucking hilarious post, TK. I bow to your greatness.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Rob doing anything puts my ovaries on red alert. And damn, does that baby have a head of hair. She actually looks a lot like I did. I looked Native American when I was born - dark and slighty ruddy complexion and a head full of shiny dark, almost black, hair. Not sure what was up with that and unfortunately I didn't keep any of those traits. Weird. What the hell were we talking about again?

    ReplyDelete
  42. I have to agree with another commenter .. his hair is too short! And where are his sideburns?? I will also take it a step further: Everytime I see photos of him filming BD, his face just looks ... wrong. I don't know if it's the makeup or the eyebrow plucking or what. But -- gasp -- I don't find him attractive in those photos at all. And that makes me sad.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I would like to suggest some more baby names, check unique baby names and more .. here..


    Unique Baby Names 2010

    ReplyDelete
  44. I think I saw one other person mention it, but the main thing I noticed were The Pretty's effing HANDS! They are the same size as the entire baby! I NEED THOSE HANDS ON ME! This is also probably the only reason he did not drop the baby.

    ReplyDelete
  45. TK, everything you write makes me pee my pants laughing! My kids always ask what I'm laughing at and I make soemthing up about "someone on the internet is funny".
    I suppose it's normal for Sue Clearwater to be young. If Harry had been running around shirtless at, oh, say 18 and caught the eye of lil Sue, it wouldn't be odd for them to have teenagers in their mid 30's. Look at Bella marrying at 19. H00rs, all of em.
    Yes, I'm jealous.

    ReplyDelete
  46. LOL!! I agree that he looks awkward, but that's to be expected of anyone who doesn't have to do it regularly, especially young guys!

    I'd still like to know how the hell they plan handle the Renesmee stuff, I mean the girl they cast is 9, not a baby. I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Yup, Robsessed says it's the girl who plays Sue Clearwater...in fact I think they're right. If you watch the bonfire scene from Eclipse...pretty sure it's her.

    What I find funny is that she actually named her baby Bella...did she just like the name, OR is she a closet Twitard and just happened to land the roll of Sue C. in Ecipse/BD?! Hmm...

    Baby is cute, as is Rob...and he does look awkward. However, I'm sure most guys would look awkward if you just handed them a baby and said "here, pose!"

    My ovaries did splode'. And once again TK, thank you for your hysterical posts. I have come close to pissing my panties quite often since you joined this Twitarded cult.

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  48. First of all, the pic of "Renesmee" and the Baby Do/Don't pics are fucking hilarious! "Babies can't hold their liquor. Trust." :)

    I have to agree with @Twired Jen and @Vitamin R...yeah he may look a little awkward but probably isn't in the habit of even holding babies, much less holding one while having a Kodak moment.

    Surely he won't look so inept when he cuddles little Renesmee (unless of course she does end up looking like the pic featured in this post, in which case who would blame him for looking awkward).

    Anyway, awkward or not, my ovaries totally whimpered when I saw this!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Congratulations, TK! I only had to read a couple sentences and I thought "this post is by TK" LOL! btw, that's a compliment. I just think it's awesome when I can identify writing styles between you awesome twatwaffles!
    I'm so glad Twitarded didn't waste ANY time posting about poor Robward's awkward position in holding babies. hahaha! love.

    ReplyDelete
  50. If I see anyone "swoon" over that picture of Rob because he's holding a baby I'm going to tell you that you are a moron and you most likely hate your children or children you will have in the future. If you want your baby to be injured and/or killed, let Rob hold it. I would be so nervous. It's unfortunate that the photographer did not get a photo of what happened 2 seconds later after Rob dropped the kid.

    And the do's and don't's, I still don't see a problem with the don't's. But I don't like kids, so....

    ReplyDelete
  51. Wow congratulation Great Post KEEP IT UP
    With regards
    Sammy
    Home Check Ovulation Kit
    You can find me by searching on Google HOME CHECK or check my profile

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!