Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Texts From Robert Pattinson.

I love Texts From Last Night. Sitting at work and have thirty seconds to dash off somewhere and crack up??? This is the "Short Attention Span Theater" of online diversions... Plus it's the equivalent of watching "Intervention" or something like that - it's oddly reassuring and you can feel good while telling yourself "well I'm not THAT bad!" As an added bonus, it makes me genuinely happy that I am not in my late teens or early twenties, since apparently blowjobs and sexual favors are the new currency of everything and you can't realistically expect to pass a class without the help of questionably-obtained pharmaceuticals (if you have kids this age and have never read TFLN, do yourself a HUGE favor and don't start now.).

But the other day I saw a text that got me thinking - as most things do eventually - about how it might relate to Twilight, Twitarded, and Robert Pattinson...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
JJ, I know you would totally suck the hot sauce out of my beard.
Meet me behind In-N-Out Burger at twelve...

Naturally, this led to me looking at pretty much all the submissions on TFLN and wondering what if the really WERE sent in by Rob? And Kristen? And their friends? Or about Rob and Kristen??? And...well, you get the general gist.

[Note: all texts were lifted verbatim from TFLN - I just got a little creative with the who-sent-what-to-who-about-who bits. If you know what I mean...]

Early, pre-Twilight text from Robert Pattinson:
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Early RPatts text sent while hanging out with the fam:
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

Text we hope was never sent by RPatts to anyone:
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephenie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephenie once more; 6am-get to the airport. [OK, I changed the spelling of "Stephenie" here. Artistic license and all that...]
Sent to TomStu while sleeping on his agent's sofa in LA:
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sent to TomStu and friends when he first met Kristen Stewart:
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Early Kristen "er I still have a boyfriend and need convincing to leave him" exchange with RPatts:
RPatts: i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
KStew: My vagina agrees.

Kristen after a sordid ride in his trash-filled old beemer:
It took 5 minutes to find my bra... in his car.
Shorty thereafter, a text from Kristen to a friend:
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
...aaaand another couple, from the next few days:
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success.
think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
A text sent by RPatts to KStew a little later on in their relationship:
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?

RPatts texting on going out incognito after the paparazzi started stalking him:
if there's anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
One or two from from late-nite-possibly-not-sober RPatts:
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

What we would all text if LKW's Christmas wish came true:
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
What we all hope she would text immediately afterward:
I was choking and even did the sign for it...And he continued to just laugh
And possibly this one for all of us fanfic fans...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous. [sigh]

Unrelated to RPatts and KStew, but what some lucky Twitard will be texting in the next day or two:
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.

"Big Smile" indeed. Snarky-Claus put the GBoDs in the mail today!


  1. all I have to say is i just has someone knock on my bedroom door to see if i was ok, because my laughing was apparently very loud.

  2. LOLOL!! Should I feel unsettled that most of the humour there came from the fact that they could all possibly be true? Oh, and I may have heaved at the thought of licking bbq sauce off anybody's beard, sorry Rob, JJ can have that one ;o)

    Fab post STY :o) x

  3. JJ gets one side of the beard and I get the other...if I am feeling nice.

    Excellent work STY...freaking hysterical.

    What I would give to receive drunk texts from The would be magical. Can someone text me please pretending to be him...I am super good at playing pretend.

    Boxes o' dildos on the move! Woohoo! Full reports expected.

  4. your posts alwaqys give me a much needed giggle....SO MUCH LOLZ!!!!

  5. LOL!!!! I freaking LOVE TFLN. I'm super bummed it came out right after me and this dude I was "friends" with ended things.. we had 11 months of the best drunken texts EVER and this website would have been useful to share the memories with everyone :)

    BTW- Where did all of those pics of Rob in the bar come from?!?!? Please tell me one of you h00rs. If so I will rub on you next time I see you based on the fact that you were that close to him..and also just because I heart you all. :)

  6. Fucking BRILLIANT post! Laughing so hard right now.

    P.S. Don't let @TwiredJen see your wee typo in the last line...


  7. I love this post, I laughed so hard (silently so my husband wouldn't wake up) that I may have peed. No lie

  8. bahaha, hi-larious! "Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?"

  9. This is my first time commenting....You guys make me laugh so freaking hard! I needed this laugh this morning! Thanks!

  10. LMAO! I think someone needs to write a fic in all text message, borrowing liberally from TFLN. I nominate you, STY!

  11. Sloppy_Scnds and I do this all the time! random pics of the precious with his comments. the other morning he was cold and needed some warming up. really is the best kind of text to get...

  12. Hilarious texts!

    I'm burning vacation days and I have the stereo and the TV on in the bedroom so my son won't hear any buzzing noises that may or may not be coming from my room. So the ladies on QVC just epilated the hair off of the arm of some guy named Rob to demonstrate what they are selling. Does EVERYTHING have to remind me of the precious?

    I'mma spend the day reading fanfic. [duh! what else?] I love authors who include texting in their stories. TFLN could provide some great inspiration! Wish I had the ability to write an interesting story. I am so grateful to all of you talented ladies for sharing your fiction and sharing your wit on your blogs! You rock!



  14. STY - your creativity astounds me. I love how you took the texts and made them work for Rob and the crew. Too clever and soooo hilarious!!

  15. LMAO!!! I nominate this epically hilarious post for "Best of Twitarded." Also - I have a feeling that Rob would find this funny. He seems like the kind of guy who can laugh at himself... and who doesn't find TFLN funny?

  16. so funny. i looove the one about the hot pockets --you're not good enough for the oven! lmao!

    it WOULD be irresponsible of kstew's vagina not to tap rob as often as possible.

    gosh, people are funny.

    i second the TFLN fan fic story - brilliant.

  17. Ahhhhh...TFLN. I love this website. How long did you have to surf on there to find all these gems? This is great! Definitley had me laughing this morning!

  18. I spend a LOT of time on tfln marveling at the lives people lead, but the one about the beardy hot-sauce sucking really did me in - lol! i can totally see it... JJ & vitaminR each getting a suck on his chin (sheesh - this fan fic is going to write itself - lol).

    ; )

  19. I have to say, this has to be at least one of my top 3 pics of the funniest and my favorite blog posts from Twitarded. I almost choked on my sandwich!!! Bravo!!

  20. I love TFLN, my name is Stefanie so I hope to god one day Rob sends a text about setting multiple alarms to have sex with me.

    Excellent post STY! How I wish I was getting a GBoDs in the mail...sigh...

    Partially related: My w/v is perch. Used in a sentence: "I would gladly perch myself on Rob's dick if he asked or even appeared in the same room with me."

    Happy Holidays!

  21. You seriously just made my day! I'm at work here, FALLING ASLEEP and was desperate... I was like, what the hell should I do to stay awake?! Then I had this weird ass idea to look at my blog and I on my dashboard was this update and I am so glad I read! YOU MADE MY DAY!!! I will probably read this blog everyday from work now, its one of the few sites that aren't blocked--ironic, I know.

    Anyways, thanks a million! I laughed my ass off, well, most of it. Its a big ass. ;)


  22. JMFMF that was one funny post my lovely STY! And it's really amazing how often pics are snapped of my boyfriend when he's texting me!

    Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out? - that one really killed me!

  23. Brilliantly funny!! Can we have texts from Rob every day?

  24. I laughed until I cried. That is all.

  25. @myg - YES!!!!

    @STY - DO IT!!!

    @LKW - He is my boyfriend not yours :P

    Fuckin hilarious, I've never visited TFLN but I have to now.

  26. Laughing so hard co workers wanna know what I'm on. I do love TFLN. I often send them to friends and ask if it was from them. I may have gotten a couple from said friends asking if it was me.

  27. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm pretty sure looking for the pics to go with the texts was half the fun, JJ. I would have been lick/click/saving through tears. So fucking hilarious!

    So uh, yeah. Funny shit.

  28. I have to say that I don't know if I would be able to suck buffalo sauce off of someone's beard - even Robert Pattinson's. Texture issues, remember?

    And the text about the net worth in beers fucking killed me.

    Hey, STY, when you want me to beta your TFLN story, you just let me know. I bet it's already written (get it, get it?)

  29. Sweet baby Jesus that is some funny shit! I needed a good laugh tonight and as always Twitarded provided just that!

    I love that you not only did texts from Rob's POV but Stewy's as well!

    My fave was..."I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven." Simply because I can totes imagine the precious actually having a conversation with his beloved Hot Pockets! :)

    Merry Christmas h00rs! xo

  30. LMAO! The funniest thing is, I recognize most of these texts from TFLN's facebook and twitter! I love how you put then into an entirely different context, and so believable!
    Ahhhh I'm still cracking up over here, LOVE this, Snarky! :)

    -formerly charla

  31. Just the thought of getting a text from a late-nite-possibly-not-sober RPatts... woah.

  32. Love TFLN!! So remind me of college (coughnottoolongagocough) and grad school.
    All those who were thinking about fanfic on the topic...

    It's literally called Texts From Last Night and it is pretty funny.

  33. OK Hookers! If you want the deets about what exactly was in my GBoD, hop over to theTwitter and check it out. I don't think you have to follow me or anything. Just look for TheRugbymom.

    Of course, I'm pretty Twiter-illeritarate, so I could be wrong. Anyway - the details were shared this afternoon. SWEET!

    Thanks sooooo much Snarky, Jenny, Latchkey Wife, and Texas Katherine! Merry Christmas! buzzzzzzzzzz!

  34. HILARIOUS as usual!


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