Sunday, January 31, 2010

Project Tweekend - Totally Cock Blocked. Literally

So ML's band was supposed to go away this past weekend. I have to admit that I was looking forward to a nice quiet weekend. As much as I love ML, there are definitely times when it's kind of... nice to just wander around the house naked without having to fight off any grabby hands. Plus, we finally got blinds so the neighbors stopped gawking and leaving nasty notes in my mailbox.

I was thinking about this weekend all week long. I was meticulous in my planning - lay around in my undies, read Twilight blogs, read fan fiction, possibly dabble in some self-satisfaction after reading said fan fiction, work on my own fic, drink copious amounts of wine without anyone cocking an eyebrow at me and basically just putz around in glorious, wonderful solitude.

How I expected my weekend to go (you can't see the jug of wine because I drank it)

This did not happen.

Late Friday afternoon ML called me to let me know there was a slight change in plans and, as I listened in undisguised horror, I realized that my hot weekend with multiple fanfic Edwards was simply not going to happen. To make the long and short of it ML's band buddies showed up at our house Friday night, only to learn that the shows were canceled.

And they never left.

What my weekend ended up being. Sort of.

Instead of whiling away the hours consuming mass amounts of fan fic, I instead found myself holed upstairs in our TV room watching shitty movies while the band jammed away like insane geniuses for next 48 hours, pausing only for cigarette and booze breaks.

They are lucky they are so awesome or otherwise I'd need help burying the bodies.

ML's band. I'd link to their website but I actually don't want them to know I'm talking shit about them because I'm an asshole like that. But these guys really are fucking great peeps.

At any rate, every time there was a break in the music, I would race downstairs to the Mac and speed-read as much smut as I possibly could, regardless of the fact that there were a bunch of dudes lurking around my living room.

I have no shame.

What I do have, on the other hand, is a good fan fiction recommendation. It's called Irritable Grizzly Adams and I've been sucking up this story like it's the fucking nectar of the gods. I am totally digging Bella in this one, mainly because she's a fuckawesome back-packing scientist with a kick-ass doggy/wolf/beast sidekick named... Jake.

The story takes place five years after Edward left Bella in the forest and she's rebuilt her life far away from Forks, even though she's still haunted by memories of Edward. The writing is absolutely excellent and the author definitely takes her time building up the scenes. There are no lemons yet but there is potential. So definitely check it out. Tell her Jenny Jerkface sent ya and she'll have absolutely no fucking idea what you're talking about.

On that note - I have some reading I need to catch up on...

Friday, January 29, 2010

RPatts, Is That You???

Holy fucking mother of crap wtf IS that?!

So I got home from work yesterday and was futzing around in the kitchen doing the usual when my cell phone rang ("the usual" = feeding the cat, putting away groceries, cooking some dinner, making a much-needed cocktail--not necessarily in that order). I didn't recognize the number but I'm trying to not be a jerk who only answers when it's a number I know, so I answered it. I heard some noise, but nobody said anything (and did I mention that I REALLY needed a cocktail?), so I hung up.

A few moments later, the the following texty conversation took place (and for the sake of argument and more importantly my mental health, we'll be calling the mystery texter "Probably RPatts"):

Probably RPatts: Hi-bo-miss-u.

Snarkier Than You: idk who u r...wrong#? [I normally spell stuff out when I text but I REALLY needed to wrap this up and get to that cocktail]

PR: No-its-your-bo.

STY: [resisting temptation to tell them it's spelled "boo"] Sorry dude (or chick) i don't have a "bo"

PR: But-u-love-bo...

aaaaand then things got REALLY weird because just as I was about to text back "Look, I was trying to be nice but I don't know who you are you fucking imbecile, so stop texting me and it's 'BOO'!" the next next thing I knew I was looking at a picture of somebody's penis. I know, right?! I think I shrieked a little bit when I realized what I was looking at...

Actual [not an]artist's rendering of the penis picture sent to my cell phone.
(Ok I drew this...well, "traced" really...no kidding!)

Soooo... Apparently "bo" is short for "boner" (they say you learn something new every day and it's totally true! Whether you want to or not...). I tried to confirm this on Urban Dictionary but wtf "bo" means a million random things. Who knew?

Anyway, the REAL pic was actually kinda creepy. It was grainy and veiny. At first I laughed and was two seconds away from forwarding it to Jenny Jerkface so she could freak out, too, but then Mr. Snarky caught wind of the situation and he was NOT amused.

Mr. Snarky can be...paranoid. It's a good thing he uses his super-powers for good and not evil because he'd probably make an awesome villain. And he...feels very protective of me. So when I showed him the picture, he didn't think it was funny AT ALL.

Mr. Snarky: I'm calling the police! You've just been sexually assaulted - do you realize that?! And how do you know this person isn't stalking you and outside our door right now???

STY: Oh c'mon - this is nothing - it's so random! They don't even know if I'm a guy or a girl!

Mr. S: How did this start again?

STY: My phone rang and... [trailing off as I realize that I definitely did answer the phone in my decidedly maybe-not-"girly"-but-definitely-"a-girl" voice...]

Mr. S: See?! [score one for Mr. Snarky...]

In the end, Mr. Snarky called the number and read the guy the riot act. Mr. Snarky does "criminally, insanely, I'm-gonna-rip-off-your-head-and-shit-down-your-throat" angry REALLY well, and he put on an Oscar-worthy performance that night. He started by bellowing into the phone "I want to talk to the guy who just sent my wife a picture of his cock!" and it just blossomed organically from there. There were definitely high-fives at Casa Snarky when he hung up.

Later, when I was trying to fall asleep and kept getting startled by random creaks and noises, I came to the conclusion that the mystery texter was probably just RPatts expressing his "special" love for me. He's so sly like that! And so misunderstood... I felt bad for all the terrible things that Mr. Snarky said (don't worry RPatts, he's not coming after you and he won't be the last thing you see on this earth) but I'll make it up to him. Somehow...

STY, I thought liked my penis. AND you let Mr. Snarky call me names...I'm hurt.

P.S. Before anyone feels the need to correct me on this and break my little bubble here, I KNOW what you are going to say (I read "The Great Penis Debate" AND all the comments, too). And I KNOW that this isn't what it would look like if RPatts was sexting me "like that." But if it's not him it's just some fucking schmo in Trenton (or so said the reverse-phone-look-up) and that's just WRONG. So humor me, ok? Please??

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Winners of Twitarded's 1st Anniversary Give-Away!

First let me say that we had a lot of awesome entries for this contest! Before we roll out the winners, we'd like to say that ALL of the entries were fantastic, and give a big thanks to everyone who sent something in--we look forward to sharing a bunch of them here in the near future! You'll enjoy it too - trust us! We were falling out of our chairs and snorteling all over the place as we went through them. There's a lot to read and see here, but stick it out and stay with us, people - you'll be glad that you did! Twitard's honor (heh-heh).

Random.org helped us to pick the winners -

...all the other names were real - sorry! But you get the point. I hope.

In the past, we have went through the tedious process of picking the winners (last time we wrote the names on paper and put them in a bowl but we're all high-tech now), emailing each person to let them know they had won and getting their prize selection, and then much much later announcing it on the blog. This time, we are throwing caution to the wind and announcing the winners RIGHT HERE! If you're submission is included in this post, expect an email asking you to select your prize. The first person on the list chooses amongst all the prizes, the next amongst the remaining prizes, and so on... Check your in-boxes!

In no particular order...

Stan from Under My Edbrella - come on down!!! You're the first contestant on The Twitard Is Right!!! [cue screaming and music]


You can see that Chimpstem is sporting her fave accessory, a Twitarded button! Plus, may I point out that there is a unicorn, a cupcake candle, AND minis in this pic, AND mini-Edward has something shiny on his junk?? wtf is that?? a mini chastity belt? bronzed peen? gilded mistletoe to taunt us??? i have no idea. But I know I like it. Go take the tour of the rest of Stan's VERY Twilight-tricked-out abode here (really - do it - you'll thank me later). Oh and thanks to Mrs. P at TwiBite for her assistance with this entry - I have no idea how she is everywhere at once (my theory is that she has cloned herself) but she sees all and knows all in the Twidom (you've been warned).

Up next is Tamera, who shared her Twitarded story (and the blog she started!):

My sister and I started out own G/PG rated blog last year for ourselves and a couple of friends. It is not nearly as filthy-mouthed or sexual as yours, hence me being a frequent visitor to your blog. Some of those pictures you post of Rob - slurp! And I have never, ever read any kind of fanfic until you suggested some. Let's just say I am avid fan of that now, too.
This is an entry from my 30th birthday party where we dressed cardboard Edward up to fit the Hawaiian theme and made him dance. There is a short video of him busting a move. Sorry it is sideways, but I am a moron with some electronics.
We have other little adventures that mini Edward has joined us on posted to the blog, as well. I am a teacher and he travels to a lot of places with me and the kids. My sister and I both work at the same school and we have put up Twilight posters in my class, the office closet, and the kitchen at school so we always have an Edward fix nearby. The students have also created an art gallery of my sis and I with different Twilight characters.
Love your blog and congrats on making it a year! Raising my shot of whiskey to many more years of fart jokes, sexy Rob pics, and trips to Forks!

Tamera

We also had an entry from one of our fave dirty-minded Twilighty people in the whole wide world, Red Bella (who is also donating a prize!) - we're sure she won't pick her own prize, but she's definitely working her Twitarded spirit! After all, she created "THE undies" and we owe her big-time for a h-u-g-e chunk of fun (and notoriety) that she brought our way last year! Plus she's cute as all get-out - see for yourself!

Who doesn't look good with Twitarded underwear (and our mugs) on their head?

Next we have a serenade (of sorts) from Wendy:

JJ and STY,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

But hold on a fucking minute, because I need to give you some background.

I am 40, and just a neophyte Twilight addict. I was indoctrinated in around October/November 2009, while at the Arizona State Fair. My husband, my kid and I went with another family. While sitting around gorging ourselves on fried this and dipped that, my friend asked me if I had ever read Twilight. I said no, and asked her if it was any good. She looked at me and said, "Yeah, it's pretty good."

I went out and bought the paperback and became completely and totally obsessed about page 20. I sent her an email that went something like this: "What the fuck...it is 'pretty good?' You whore! I can't believe you have been holding out on me like this!"

New Moon quickly followed. I wallowed in depression for days when my Edward disappeared. My husband got upset with me, saying that if I bought the other two books before Christmas, he would be pissed because he wanted to buy them for me. So I got them from the library. Nothing was going to keep me away from finishing the series. When I finally did, I wanted MORE MORE MORE! So I rented Twilight and watched it 3 times. In one day. I downloaded the movie soundtrack. RPattz now sings me to sleep almost nightly.

Despite having said whorish friend who "enjoyed" the Twilight series, my addiction and obsession continued to grow. Her "enjoyment" wasn't enough for me. I felt strangely alone. Was I the only person over 20 years old who was so addicted and obsessed? Was I the only one who wanted to take RPattz to bed and ride that boy until he begged for mercy? Even though he young enough to be my son? (OK, I would have to be a really young mom, but still possible!) What kind of demented whore did that make me?

Then said whorish donkey flap friend above and I went to see New Moon. My crotch came very close to spontaneous combustion when Edward was getting ready to step into the sunlight at Volturi.

The I read about Twitarded in an article - I think it was in USA Today. It was right when New Moon came out, and the article was discussing the fans, and how the "older" fans were the craziest. I then made my way over to Twitarded, and what did I find?

1. There are a whole lot of ladies out there who want to make RPattz beg for mercy.
2. Some are even more obsessed that me.
3. FanFic is really, really good.

I read post after post, howling with laughter, and even peeing my pants once. It was just a couple drops, but I did pee my pants. I stared at the pics of RPattz, imagining those eyes..well, never mind that part.

And I felt like I finally found a place where I wasn't a crazy bitch. In fact, my Twilight obsession and addiction, and my absolute longing to wrap my legs around RPatz face is completely normal. Well, maybe I am a crazy bitch, but I have found a bunch of my kind. And normal is kind of a relative term, dontchathink?

I have been lurking, reading, and loving every blessed word you bitches post. You two are the best.

With much love,

Wendy

We love you, too, Wendy - mwah!!!

Junie sent us some pics and a little story...

Hiya from Junie!!! My 3 year old Twi-toddler loves the dancing/prom scene in Twilight (she's only seen that part and the apple scene don't call DYFS on me). One day I had her dressed and she got to the bottom of the stairs and turned to me and said, "Oh I need a sweater, like Bella wears!" She had never spoken a word about the sweater before.I about fell down laughing. Can you stand it? My shrine! -

I wish I could see the sparkle on the Edward doll, but I know he's dazzling...

Plus she sent us a random picture of Rob's butt, so we [heart] her a LOT. Junie GETS us.

Mmmmm... Buttward...

Emily sent us her Twitarded story (it sounds...familiar)...

I came late to Twitardom but got bit hard. I've taught middle school the last 10 years but never had students talk about the books until last year. One student told me she loved the book, but I never liked the cover and so it sat in my classroom for months, ignored by me. I remember this summer ending up on a plane being bored and having to read the People magazine with Pattinson on the cover and being pissed because I'd never heard of him and thought it was all stupid. This year lots and lots of my students were talking about the books, so I finally decided to read the first one, the day after Thanksgiving. Needless to say the rest of the vacation was spent on the couch devouring paper. If I hadn't had to go back to work I would have stayed on the couch, only venturing out for food, water, elimination, and Barnes and Noble. My boyfriend was out of town during this time and started to wonder why I didn't have time to talk to him in the evening.
Anyway at this point I have read all the books multiple times. I love your blog. It scares me that I want to come with you to Forks. My boyfriend thinks I need deprogramming. My niece and nephew (Harry Potheads) mocked me for joining you on Facebook. But I don't care. I heart Twilight 4-ever.

Cheers,

Emily

We heart Twilight forever too! And we've all been there...

Last but certainly not least, we have Katie, who a little bird (aka her Twitarded partner in crime Purple Cupcake, who gets an honorable mention here) tells us we can call Katie Pink Buttercream...

Hawt Cupcakes (That's Pink Buttercream on the left and Purple Cupcake on the right)

Hello Twitarded Leaders,

Late October 2008 I picked up a paper-back, $3.99, version of Twilight. I was simply curious to see what all the hub-bub was about. I am a college student (and a married, mother of 4) so my time was/is limited. I thought I would give it a read over winter break. Well...elections were in full swing. I simply had, had enough of the debates and news. My husband would sit and watch this crap continually! UGH! So one night out of sheer desperation I said to myself, "I'll read a chapter or two just for kicks." Next morning I had finished the book...That is right...I did not sleep... After sending my husband out the door to work I went to the library to get New Moon! None available! There was a waiting list! My Twilight-addicted ass went to the nearest Borders and bought the next in the series. I finished the series in a little over a week. I did not clean, sleep, cook, or do my assignments....I read. Then I was ashamed! I wondered what was wrong with me?! I am 31 years old! I have responsibilities...friends who would mock me....Damn that Edward Cullen....I gave in. I became a closet Twitard. I went to the Twilight movie and screamed with the 13 year old crowed as Edward showed himself for the first time on the big screen. Then I proceeded to see the movie....ummm...more than 10 times in the theater....so I could get my Edward fix.

I have many friends who are stuck in the drudges of motherhood...they are potty training, diapering, not sleeping, and, all together, living in the worst realm of reality. I saw their need....A need they didn't even know they had. I sent my best friend, [Purple Cupcake], a copy of Twilight with instructions "Do not judge...just read." Then I took over a cup of coffee and another copy of Twilight to my friend Anita. We were new friends...and I was a bit afraid she would think I was crazy...but she had just had baby #3 and I knew she was on the verge of crazy town. Now they are Twitarded with me. It is fun not to be alone....and I am no longer in the closet.

You know you are Twitarded when:

  • You quote/message/text Edward lines to your friends and they know which book,chapter,and page you are referring to.
  • You always have a Twilight book with you...just in case.
  • You buy movie tickets months in advance and plan a whole evening around this event.
  • Random people in your life start bringing you Twitarded gifts because it "reminds them of you"...such as Twilight key chains, Twilight candy, Twilight Barbie dolls....
  • Your husband sits you down to "have a talk" about your Edward Cullen obsession.
  • You sleep with a book under your pillow.
  • You are are commissioned to plan and create a Twilight themed cake.
  • You come home to find a silver Volvo in front of your house and you scream...and your husband rolls his eyes....because you are sure Edward has finally come for you!
  • Friends send you letters from "Edward". [note from STY - we need to see these! : )]
  • You see New Moon so many times that you and your best friend form your own Twilight version of "Mystery Science Theater" in which you have raunchy accompaniment to the movie.

That is my story...I am really looking forward the the Twitarded Forks Field Trip. [Purple Cupcake] & I are leaving kids and husbands to go be twitarded together.

[heart] U ladies,

Katie Pink Buttercream
South Bend, Indiana (The black hole of the universe)


So there you have it, folks! Congratulations to the winners!!! Stay tuned for more Twitarded dirty bits from this contest - in addition to what we're posting here, we have many more pictures and stories that are guaranteed to make you fall off your chair or spit whatever you happen to be drinking at the time all over the place! Love you guys! Thanks for helping make this blog great! [Yeah it's late & I'm feeling sappy - deal with it!]

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Dear KStew - We Really Do Kinda Love You

We haven't exactly been kind to Kristen Stewart on this blog, I'll be the first to admit it. We've dissed questioned her acting "technique" and have pondered whether or not she was indeed nauseous during the entire filming of both Twilight and New Moon. Or constipated - I think it sort of flips between the two.

But we pick because we love! Let's face it - we're not really that nice to anyone, including each other and even you, dear reader! Frankly, "you stupid twat" is practically a term of endearment between Snarkier Than You and I, and I'm pretty sure our old neighbors thought ML and I were the most abusive couple EVER after overhearing a couple of our conversations that generally involved either the word "whore" or "bitch" (him) and "suck my dirty dick, assface" (me). And then we'd make out. I can't even tell you the things we said about the ferret. And we adore that scrappy, stinky creature. As long as you say it in a sing-songy voice, it's all good. Seriously.

One has to have thick skin to belong to this group. We get that. And if KStew ever stumbled across here and discovered that we've used such terms as "bellowing," "spastic," and "what-the-fuck-IS-she-doing?" she would probably understand the nature of the beast that is Twitarded and laugh it off.

Because she can. Let's face it: we can mock the little brooding waif all we want. She's still richer, younger, hotter and happens to most likely be boffing the Precious. What the hell does she care what we say?

Oh, what time do you have to drag yourself into the office, Chubby McBloggerface? A meeting at 8, you say? I'd say I was sorry but I'm too busy making hot pockets and sucking face with Robert Pattinson...

Either that or she'll have us blacklisted from every theater when Eclipse comes out. I'm not sure how she'll do it but it would probably involve a lot of scowling, sulking and bored looks on her part.

But we still love her.

More importantly, I want to like her acting. I really, really do. And that is why I'm actually looking forward to seeing both The Runaways and Welcome to the Rileys.

I like The Runaways as a band [um, because they fucking rock] and I'll even go so far as to say that I think Kristen Stewart makes an awesome Joan Jett. They both have big teeth.



I'm slightly concerned about the trailer because there is Z-E-R-O acting in it. I can throw shit against a wall and make it look like good acting.

Then I found this movie clip (possible spoilers? Not really?) and my hope was renewed:



...And promptly dashed. WTF, did she actually only say like two words? Fuck. Me. <-- those were my words, not hers. Regardless, I'm going to see this and I'm hoping KStew does a stellar job. Plus, Dakota Fanning has just been amazing in everything I've seen her in so there's that.

On to the next KStew film on my agenda (besides Eclipse but I assume that was a given) - Welcome to the Rileys. First of all, this movie is right up my alley because it sounds depressing and dark. I love that kind of shit. Secondly, it has James Gandolfini in it. Let's just say... I'm a really big fan. A really big fan.



Despite everything, I'll give Kristen Stewart this much - she's taken on some seriously heavy roles in these two movies and they are roles that I think a lot of young actresses would shy away from. If there is one thing that I do respect about her it's that she seems to be a down to earth kind of person.

Whatever. These movies better not suck.

Are you going to check them out? What's your opinion on them? Twitarded minds want to know...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Gas-X, Eclipse and Some Videos...

Hello lllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies, Sicky McSnotface here and I've got a proclamation.

I've missed you. Truly.

I have finally emerged from under my mountain of used tissues and self-pity to officially rejoin not only real life (grudgingly) but Twitardia (yay!!!!). I'm not quite sure which plague I contracted but it kicked my ass enough that I actually took over-the-counter medicine, which is something I usually don't do and not because I'm organic and healthy, either. It's because I'm irrational and totally paranoid. I'm convinced that I'm going to have some adverse reaction to say, Tylenol, and my skin is going to fall off in sheets or I'll end up pooping out my liver or something so I usually just suck it up and deal with whatever it is that's putting a damper on my life.

Not this time, though. Yesterday morning I shuffled my pathetic ass to the medicine cabinet, grabbed the box of Alka-Seltzer Cold & Sinus, read the directions carefully, including possible side effects (I was convinced I had all of them immediately) and dutifully took them the entire day. Annnnnd nothing. It was only this morning when I shook the packet of pills out of the box that I realized why.

They weren't Alka-Seltzer Cold & Sinus. They were Gas-X.

Extra Strength Gas-fucking-X. I guess that explains why I was less farty than usual yesterday.

This was NOT me yesterday... but probably because my insides are dying slowly.

Apparently some ass-wipe put the wrong pills in the box. I'd look up the side effects of overdosing on Gas-X but the last time I went to Web MD to diagnose an ingrown hair I was convinced I had herpes, cancer and some rare genetic disease all at the same time and that I was going to die right-fucking-now and I flipped the fuck out and ML had to physically stop me from scrawling my Last Will & Testament on the back of a receipt but then I smoked a few cigarettes and finally calmed down. But if my fucking intestines get all hard and I have to walk around with a colostomy bag** I can tell you right now I'm dumping that thing out in inappropriate places.

Creating hypochondriacs one click at a time...

Anyway, because I was a non-farty-but-total-sneezy-hacky mess yesterday I didn't go to work. Instead, I felt sorry for myself and surfed around looking for some videos.

First the funny. It's a little dorky but there are some really funny parts, especially the end but it's definitely worth watching for the laughs.




I also discovered this little gem via TwilightBlog. I am always so fucking impressed that people can make these videos. I think it took me about 3 hours to edit our 4 second clip to ReelzChannel and I nearly broke the Mac in my frustration. So, kudos to everyone who makes all the awesome videos we post here.



Not to beat a dead horse but dammit I wish they had kept Rachelle Lefevre. She was such an awesome badass Victoria. Plus, I want that outfit she wore in the chase scene in New Moon. Except that I would probably look like a homeless Munchkin rather than a hot vampire if I was wearing it.

I was going to continue into my foray of Eclipse videos when I found this next one and holy shit is this good. It's Lykke Li's Possibility set against a short movie. Very simple, very poignant and totally touched that soft spot in my heart that doesn't get touched very much, mainly because I'm an asshole.



Normally, Snarkier Than You handles the videos around here, mainly because my general attention span caps off at about fifty seconds but I hope I did ya all proud. STY's off celebrating something called an 'Anniversary', whatever that is (ML and I are the two least romantic people EVER. We've been together for over four years and it only recently occurred to us that we don't celebrate shit like this) so y'all stuck with my cranky ass tonight.

And on that note - I think I'm going to threaten cajole ML to watch Twilight with me. Again. Might as well milk the sick card for all it's worth...

** NEVER Google image search this. Especially not while you're eating dinner. You've been warned.

Monday, January 25, 2010

You Probably Haven't Heard Yet, But...

aaaaand now I finally kinda understand why getting to Forks involves a ferry...

I can't focus on anything but Forks right now. I tried to, but I can't seem to manage it. Apparently, I am in remarkably good company. And I'm sorry to all the people who are all "Really? Forks? Again?! She just talked about that yesterday!" But think of it this way - you probably want to go... Even if you don't even know it. So we are going to talk about it incessantly (er, well, as incessantly as people with ADD talk about stuff) until you either give in and come with us or enjoy the Twitarded Forks pilgrimage vicariously through us. Because really, at the risk of someone out there declaring some sort of fatwa on my ass, I have to say that this is more of a pilgrimage than any old vacation sorta dealie. If you can go, you HAVE to go. Or something like that.

I will be buying one of these. Period. [click to enlarge - available at Dazzled By Twilight]

I don't plan on being able to do much of anything between now and the end of September. It's like we all just got pregnant with Forks and now we have to wait an agonizingly loooong nine months before our Twitarded baby pops out (it'll be called "Nessie," natch). Sure, there will be some major high points that will help us pass the time between now and then - the dvd release! Remember Me! freaking Eclipse - yeah, baby! And we do plan on having a little NYC meetup, not to mention a rendezvous in Texas when JJ goes to SXSW. All of this will leave little time for anything that is not at least loosely related to Twilight through less than a degree or two of separation.

I told myself I would have to draw the line somewhere and manage my time more efficiently this year, and frankly the only way that is going to happen is if I stop paying attention to other stuff and really focus my attention here, where it is needed. Oh and I may have to leave Mr. Snarky and marry Jenny Jerkface, because that would further simplify my life (mostly because JJ doesn't mind if I spend all my time on the blog and is totally cool eating with peanut butter for dinner). That said, for the time being Mr. Snarky and I are still an item (at least until JJ and I stop arguing over who gets to wear the strap-on first) and tomorrow is our wedding anniversary! In the spirit of being a better wife--at least for one night!--than I have been for the last 12 months, I have gamely agreed to go out to dinner and not spend the night glued to the laptop, my phone, or either of the Full-Size Edwards (Mini-E still gets to come along to dinner because nobody will be any the wiser).

I found this image (complete with text) while doing a random Google image search for "Edward Cullen standee" and almost fell off my chair...(from My TwiLife)

JJ will be manning the helm of the blog (and everything else) for the next day or two (I suppose I will have to pay a liiiittle attention to work because if I end up unemployed between now and September, guess who's going to have to sell a kidney to get to Forks?). We will get to the contest results - we had some AMAZING, hysterically funny submissions and we can't wait to share them with you later this week! We'll announce the contest winners, too (right after we figure out the randomizer name-selector thingy) - and we have lots of great prizes! In case you missed it, in addition to the Twilight deluxe boxed set and the Creative Cursing book, we have two Twilight-themed calenders and an Edward bookmark (thanks to Dangrdafne and TwiLove1!), custom embroidery of your choice/design from Red Bella, AND we also received a $25 gift certificate from Annette, the proprietor of the Forks-based Dazzled By Twilight empire, to be used at her store either in person (we hope!) or online. For the life of me I couldn't get the image of the gift certificate she sent me to work here, but we're good for it and we'll figure out the details when the time comes (you will hear me say this a LOT in the next nine months).


Maybe we'll get a special after-hours Twitards-only invite to the shop!? I see massive photo opportunities and I want one of everything in the store, please...

P.S. For those who would like a round-up of the Forks trip deets thus far:

  • JJ and I will arrive in Forks on Thurs. 9/30 and depart on Sun. 10/3
  • We'll be staying at the Forks Motel
  • You may be able to coordinate with other people to share rental cars, motel rooms, etc. - VitaminR70 has set up info and discussion groups on Facebook to help facilitate (thanks VitaminR!).
  • Friend us on Facebook (see right sidebar - I can't open FB right for some reason) and follow us on Twitter to keep up with the latest info (STY HERE and JJ HERE)
  • There are a LOT of people who want to join in - we hope you can all make it! It is going to be amazingly fun!
  • If you have questions, we'll do our best to answer, but we still have a LOT to work out (so please be patient, whore flaps).
  • Lots and lots of details to follow, like it or not...
  • Same to you, Forks - ready or not, here comes Twitarded!

P.P.S. I overheard Mr Snarky on the phone earlier explaining to a guy friend of his (who had just seen Twilight) how they had got the sparkle effect all wrong. I love my husband. Aaaaand my work here is done.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Holy Crap... We're REALLY Going To FOOOORRRKKS!

WOOOOOOT!!!! Thanks to Lisa at 17 Forever for this great pic!

That's right, people, it's on:

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. Even I can't believe it, really... But we're going! Because plane tickets have been purchased and Jenny Jerkface would skin me alive if I tried to back out now (it's possible that she put the tix on her credit card). If I ditched now, I would have to enter the witness protection program and even then it wouldn't really be safe for me to tread this earth, her wrath would be so great. I have no clue how this progressed in such a short time from a drinky conversation at my place where JJ grabbed my shoulders, fixed me with an extra-intense stare, and uttered the words "We have to go to Forks." And I was all "Yeah yeah sure whatever you say sweetie...now move it - you're blocking the vodka..." But here I am two weeks later and suddenly I owe JJ $420 and hot damn we're going to Forks!

Soooo... Now what????

Let's start with the basic details: the Twitarded train wreck will be pulling into scenic Forks, Washington on Thursday, September 30th. Apparently, JJ's idea of "the last weekend in September" is really "the first weekend in October" - sorry if that causes problems for anyone but since October means I can pull the "it's my birthday" card with Mr. Snarky, I'm gonna go with it. He's been a good sport about the trip (once I actually blurted out the fact that I was going) but he's not going to get any happier about me jetting off without him as the date draws near. Regardless, we'll be there until either Sunday October 3rd or Chief Swan drives us to the town limits - whichever comes first. For accommodations, we'll be passing out sleeping in style at the lovely Bates Forks Motel. While they don't have any special Twilight-themed rooms (and when JJ was still trying to close this deal with me, I told her that I had to stay in one of those Twilight-themed rooms if we went to Forks), when I found out that there's a $50-ish premium over a comparable room without a red & black decor and a ten-buck movie poster, my interest faded fast. I'll trick out the room myself, thanks. How much space in my luggage can some posters and a roll of double-sided-tape take up?


The people at the Forks Motel were super-friendly on the phone, plus we figure it's a better place to be if we inadvertently make a little bit of a ruckus. We can sort of set up a Twitarded quarantine area...or something like that. Anyway, the place is well-reviewed and the pics I've seen seem decent, if not a little short on Edward for my taste. I'm a little confused because when I called tonight to book our room the person who answered the phone seemed a little befuddled by the fact that I wanted to book a room in late September and asked that I call back tomorrow to talk to the manager (oh noes - maybe someone warned them that we were coming?!), but we'll hash out all these details in good time.

So moving on to the next burning question: what are we going to do while we are there??? We have a few idears in the works... There will be alcohol involved. It will be awesome. Some people may get into trouble, but probably not. Fanpire in TN's mom suggest that some people may end up in the pokey, and that's probably not too far-fetched. In fact, when JJ told Mommy (not a)Jerkface about our impending adventure, there was a moment of silence before MnaJ announced "You are going to get arrested out there." At the very least, we might want to open up a PayPal account to start accepting donations for the the bail fund; if we really wanted plan ahead, we would just find out the going rate for "Drunk & Disorderly" and/or "Public Intoxication" and pay the fines ahead of time, thereby saving everyone involved time and trouble. Bail fund aside, if anyone ends up getting a mug-shot taken while wearing Twitarded gear, the trip will have been a total win in my book.

So what do we want to do while we're in Forks??? We are going to have a great time no matter what; this trip is what we make of it and I've had enough fun with everyone I've met through the blog over the last year that I know - without a doubt - that it will be epic. I can't tell all of you how psyched we are about getting together with everyone! Everything else is just gravy... We'd like to start making plans asap, as soon as we figure out the specifics. We have some ideas that we want to run by everyone, and we want your input [that's what she said] - so, in no particular order, here are a few things that might end up on the list:

  • Bonfire on First Beach
  • Trip to Port Angeles
  • Forks Twilight Tour
  • Dinner at Bella Italia
  • Get matching Edward Cullen tattoos
  • Bowling...somewhere
  • "Prom night"-theme dance party
  • Twilight Bingo at a bar/Twilight Lounge
  • karaoke [I have no idea if this is do-able] [JJ's note - what STY really means is "I don't really want to do this."]
  • Twilight movie screening
  • Hiking in the Hoh Forest (you know, where all the hos go hiking)
Tell us what you think in the comments - please! Gah! We are in way over our heads but are looking forward to this more than you can possibly imagine. Or maybe you CAN imagine how we feel, because hopefully you feel the same way???

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update: We made our reservation at the Forks Motel - check in on 9/30 (Thurs), check out on 10/3 (Sunday). The motel consists of multiple buildings and we may not ALL be right next to each other since we probably won't all get the same type of room. That said, I did tell them to expect other reservations for this same time window (and they already have some online requests - wooo!!) and told them the group name (yes I said "Twitarded" to the nice man at the Forks Motel - he wasn't phased). If you want to be grouped together/have your room near other Twitards, don't forget to mention Twitarded! Sorry, there is no group-rate discount or anything like that available - we tried!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

A Little Something For The Men-Folk

No, it isn't a pic of Ashley Greene's rack - although those pics are all over the place (if you got it, flaunt it) and daaaaang she's got a smokin' little bod...

Her nostrils look really weird here, but nobody noticed 'cause they were looking elsewhere.

Nope - this is a video by Shallow Day called "TWILIGHT (what have you done to my wife?)" that both wants2Binforks and isabella MARIE cullen (from Twilight Junkies Anonymous) shared with us via email! And with good reason - it's funny and will ring eerily true to more than a few of us.

Thanks, lllllaaaaaaadies!


Enjoy - Happy Saturday!



P.S. the guy who sings most of this looks a bit like Mr. Snarky when his hair was long (going back a few years but still) -

Awwww - isn't he cute? He looks angry but he's not...

Our Most Random Post Ever (So Far). Oh And It's Late, Too.

[Pre-post update (that's right--we're making this shit up as we go along): we meant to post this last night. It still would have been late had we actually managed to post it last night, but we didn't. We DID spend an hour-and-a-half on Skype with the lovely and talented VitaminR70, who is essentially assuming the semi-thankless task of being our Seattle delegate/liaison/point-person/party-planner. She's like a one-woman Twitarded United Nations out there, for real (and you may know that has definitely been to Forks - with a special little someone!). But then suddenly it was like one in the morning and we were d-r-u-n-k (ok, I was d-r-u-n-k) and had definitely crossed the threshold of being "too drunk to blog" which is like "too drunk to fuck" but different. Someone should still write a song about it, though. Anyhoo, in the spirit of Twitarded, we're gonna ptmfs anyway only now that it's Saturday morning afternoon maybe we'll tack on a Rob vid to the end of it because that's probably the only thing we could possibly do to it at this point to make it even MORE random and possibly borderline offensive. Enjoy!]



[Some nice music (really!) for you blog-reading pleasure.]

So there's a lot of shit that I want to cover here tonight/tomorrow/whenever and while none if it is going to fill an entire post, exactly, if I smush all of it together and make one big totally freaking random wandering post out of it, it will work. Promise. It will be like Ben & Jerry's "Everything But The..." flavor ice cream where they throw a bunch of stuff in with the ice cream and it WORKS (ome it works). Only this will be better than that. [For the sake of full disclosure: no it won't be; nothing is better than "Everything But The..." flavor except maybe Chubby Hubby or possibly mixing Hagen Daz Caramel Cone and Chocolate flavors together. Because that shit's a guaranteed multiple taste-bud orgasm.

This is pretty much how I eat ice cream, too. Nom nom nom...

Plus, this randomness will give us more time to work on other more enlightening, "Deep Thoughts with JJ & STY"-kinda posts. Like the one JJ has been working on that's tentatively called "how music keeps me from going apeshit and murdering my fellow commuters." I'm looking forward to reading that one about as much as I'm looking forward to my next gynecological exam. I wonder - do they actually put the speculum in the freezer beforehand? Hey - I warned you: random, remember?

Anyway, here's "the scoops," in no particular order:

We are going to Forks the last weekend in September [9/29-10/2-ish]. I am really, really sorry if these dates doesn't work for everyone (even JJ was actually rooting for the last weekend in August while I voted for September). You can expect that there will be much much MUCH more inane rambling-on about this trip in the forseeable future. Seriously, we are going to talk so much about this trip to Forks that you are going to BEG us to shut the fuck up about it, even if you're going. But I feel especially sorry for the 17% of you who answered the poll with "Are you NUTS?! I'm not going to Forks!" because you're going to HATE us by September. And after September. Because after we get back, our visit to the Twitarded holy land is all we are going to talk about until Breaking Dawn comes out and who the hell knows when that will be? We promise we will make it up to you somehow. Even if it means that JJ gives oral to each and every last one of you.

Yay! FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRKKKS!

Now, on to the sad news. [Is there an award for "most insensitive, asshole-ish segue"? yeah, I just won that]. You are no doubt aware that there is a telethon tonight to benefit the victims of the earthquake in Haiti. Things are massively fucked up there but went from bad to horrifically, heartbreakingly worse, and they need our help. I know I'm having a MAJOR "pot meet kettle" moment when I say this but we all need to stop whining about how crappy everything is every time we are stuck in traffic or our train is late (ahem, JJ - looking at you, twat-monkey) or the Starbucks barista doesn't froth the non-fat soy milk in your Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte just so or the stupid a-hole in front of you at the grocery check-out spends ten seconds too long rooting for coupons and your head just freaking e-x-p-l-o-d-e-s. Take a chill-pill and/or a deep breath (depending on your access to chill pills) and put it all in perspective. And then please donate. If you haven't already, take a minute today to do it. If you've already donated, do it again if you can afford it. If you're really lucky you might get to talk to Taycob or someone else uber-famous. Don't hold your breath for RPatts, though, ok? Nobody looks better when they turn blue unless they were in Avatar.

[note: ok we suck and the telethon will be over by the time we post this (oops), but you know what to do if you didn't do it already, right? Go to HopeForHaitiNow.org to donate.]

Speaking of which (fund-raising for Haiti, not Taycob or Avatar), one of our very own very talented bloggy besties is auctioning off a print of her artwork! Team Six Pack created an excellent replica of the Twilight novel cover and is selling a frame-worthy print via The Fandom Gives Back! Check out her auction HERE and don't forget to take a look at all the other things that FGB is doing to raise money for this cause. Do what you can.

Oh and Rob showed up REALLY beard-y. I'm pretty sure I heard Jenny shrieking all the way from New York City. She likes her men-folk beardy; I'm wishing he wasn't obscuring the prettah but I'll take what Rob-sightings I can get at this point. Even if he's appearing with the rarity and hirsuteness of Bigfoot (but you know what they say about big feet so whatevs).

(yeah yeah we know we've done the "we don't like paparazzi pics" thing but we're fucking hypocrites I guess.)

Moving on...

My work week sucked and ended with a virtual slap on the wrists from my boss, who either hates me, doesn't hate me, or doesn't care. One of those. Aaaand he probably knows about the existence of this blog. Fucking swell all around. Excuse me while I go back and read my own paragraph about how I should quit my incessant and not-very-well-justified whining. Where the fuck is the cheese and crackers? They would go perfectly with my whiiiiiiiiiiiine...

On the upside, I really got a HUGE lift in my day when the mail showed up with not one but two packages for me! I love getting stuff in the mail that is not bill-related. I suppose this is a hold-over from childhood when Sister Snarky and I used to fight over who was "Resident" and who was "Occupant." One of the packages was addressed to "Snarky fill-in-my-real-last-name-here"!! Apparently a couple of people took pity on me when I mentioned that I was coveting JJ's RPatts calendar and didn't have one of my own (and was messing up dates as a result) and sent me calendars! Well, Dangrdafne felt sorry for me and Twilove1 wanted to contribute to our prizes for out 1st Anniversary contest/give-away and I asked her if it would make me a REALLY bad person if I kept it for myself and she said no. Because she's cool and not judge-y like that. But thanks to the joint efforts of Dangrdafne AND Twilove1, I can totally have my RPatts calendar and eat it, too. Or something like that. Translated: I get to keep a calendar for myself (ok two - one Twilight and one RPatts) and STILL add one to the prize kitty. Thanks Dangrdafne & Twilove1!

[JJ's note - WHAT THE FUCK? You can't keep BOTH!!!]

OK fine I will just keep one of the Robert Pattinson Calendars. Sheesh! JJ, you ruin ALL my fun! Because the January/February page of the Twilight calendar is Edward pics and I REALLY want to keep it. Damn you. Ruiner! Oh and there's also an Edward bookmark from Twilove1 which will be added to the prize list ('cause it's paper!).

You could have THIS!

...or THIS!

I am also thrilled to be able to tell you that Red Bella has graciously agreed to donate another custom-embroidered masterpiece to the Anniversary contest/give-away prize pile!!! I can't say if it's a t-shirt for you or a t-shirt for your mini-Edward or racy undies (just remember: our design is TAKEN) because she's so fucking fabulous that she'll work with you to create whatever Twilighty goodness it is that is embroiderable and fulfills your little heart's desire. And that stuff is time consuming on her part and expensive and she rocks for making the offer again. Thanks Red Bella!

Oh and don't forget that you gotta be in it to win it, so send us something Twitard-y already, you whore flaps! Submissions should go to Twitarded@gmail.com. Those of you who sent to me directly at my Snarky email will be shot. I kid, I kid! Sort of... Aaaaaand I need another cocktail AND another read of my earlier "stop whining!" paragraph, clearly.

On a totally unrelated note (and without a good segue, natch), The Bloggess has accepted our marriage proposal and I think we'll arrange it so that we'll all be honeymooning in Forks in September. Because really, what could be more perfect for the Bloggess-Jerkface-Snarker family (we're "The BJs - WOOOOOT!)??? Nothing, that's what. Except possibly moving to Twitardia with all of you and living the Twitarded way, surrounded by friends. Or bedding RPattz. It's a toss up, I gotta be honest.

And as promised, here's your RPatts vid! Because I really am that much of a twat. You're welcome.



P.S. This vid is from Suzy in Germany and I hope that she is not 12 years old (but she could be for all I know).

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Remember Me - Now an After School Special

I was perusing IMDb this afternoon and came across something that I found interesting... Apparently, Remember Me is down 36% in popularity this week. Hmmmm... I wonder why???

aka "this movie is fucking going to be lame"

PG-13? For real? Whoever came up with that brilliant idea obviously hasn't seen the trailer. Or read the synopsis. Or is trying sooooo hard to include the masses of Twilight-obsessed tweeny-boppers that they are perfectly willing to go all Puritan on what could potentially be a decent GROWN-UP movie.

Fuck the tweens.

This is just absurd. I can understand why they wanted to keep Twilight and New Moon [and the rest of the saga] tween-friendly because, well, it's geared towards tweens. But Remember Me? Really?

She totally wants to gobble his meat. I can see it in her eyes. and THAT is not PG-13... no cocksucking for you Tyler/RPattz!

Dudes, these people are college-aged. Like, old to enough to drink and get their birth control on the cheap at the campus health center. I'm not saying that being old enough to booze it up automatically bumps up the rating on your life to rated R but... it certainly has potential. Plus, let's face it: PG-rated is boring. Who wants to pay twenty bucks to see a couple making goo-goo eyes at each other while their chaperone sits between them, all fucking disapproving and shit? What - are they in the Miss America pageant or something? Miss Teen U.S.A.? Golly gee willikers - sounds like a gas! This is a movie, dammit. With Robert Pattinson in it. And, thanks to two letters and two numbers, he will most definitely NOT be naked.

v

I mean, there is a scene in the trailer where he picks what's-her-face up, slings her over his shoulder, and takes her down the hall like a conquering caveman, presumably to the bedroom. What are they going to do there? Talk about My Little Ponies? Have a tickle war? I swear I'm going stab someone if the closest thing we get to a sex scene is that shot of Emilie de Ravin's back with that alarming mole thingy on it.

Anyway.

For god sake, Summit, take the chastity belt off of RPattz. He can handle it. We can handle it. Promise.

P.S. - If The Runaways get a PG-13 rating I'm punching someone in the kidney.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

We Interrupt This Blog For Crappy RL Crap & People Funnier Than Us

So we try to keep everyone entertained here... And usually we do a decent job (we know because you tell us this is so and we trust you). But every once in a new blue moon, real life kicks us in the ass so hard that we can't even sit down to write something entertaining because it hurts that much.

This week has been one of those times...

RL has been conspiring against us here at Twitarded, folks. We've both had colds that have us pushing the outer limits of maximum snot production, and we've been forced to actually concentrate almost exclusively on actual work while at work. I know! Can you imagine?! It is as bad as sounds. {{{shudder}}} It doesn't help that that New Jersey Transit, and the bane of my commuting existence know as Route 1, are in cahoots to keep us from getting to work on time in the morning or home before 8 p.m. in the evening. Which sucks because that means that there is NO time do really do anything other than feed assorted critters (and ourselves, but not well), straighten up enough to find the bed, and crash into it so that we can get up and do it all over again tomorrow (and to those of you who have days/weeks/months like this AND have children, I have no idea whatsoever how you manage. seriously. I'd say pat yourselves on the back if you successfully pull this off 24/7, but all I really want for you is to have a moment's rest). On the other hand, if you want to play the saddest song ever on the world's tiniest violin just for us, go ahead.

You play, we'll listen. Really.

What I'd really like to be doing with my time is plotting all the details for what is going to be the most kick-ass mass quasi-religious pilgrimage EVER to FOOOOOORRRRKKS!!! Or blogging for money (please for the love of all things holy someone tell me how to make that happen). But nooooooooo... I have to go to work and shuffle papers (er, or do whatever the paperless equivalent is of "shuffling papers" - "clicking randomly"? "bored browsing"? ) and go to meetings and stuff. So in lieu of me delivering the funny tonight--and because JJ is up to her elbows in PMS and ferret shit and isn't feeling the funny either--I am going to direct your attention to my newly discovered, greatest girl-crushy love of my online life ever, The Bloggess.

She's like us, only better.

When I found her a few weeks ago, I asked Jenny Jerkface if she thought she would marry us. And I didn't mean "Hey do you think The Bloggess would be willing to be ordained by the Church of Life so that I can become Mrs. Jenny Jerkface?" but rather "do you think The Bloggess would be willing to enter into a mostly-monogamous-but-we'll-make-exceptions-for-RPatts semi-polygamous girl-fest with us?!" Because while I'm all ga-ga over Mr. Snarky as we approach our 8th wedding anniversary (and after 12+ years together and 20+ years since we first met) and JJ and I will be inseparable until she kills me or ML kills both of us, I am in LUUURV with The Bloggess in a not-really-lesbian-but-I'd-totally-have-a-slumber-party-and-pillow-fight-with-her-and-what-happens-happens kinda way. Because she uh-maze-ing-ly funny and even though I am afraid that you will all leave me for her once I introduce you (sluts that you are), I will do it anyway. Because if you love something the way I love you all, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be (so you should probably hunt it down and kill it).

Several of the many reasons she is my new hero/bff-who-doesn't-know-it (I want to be her friend like she wants to be Sarah Silverman's friend AND she already referenced us on her blog even though it was via "the undies" and she had no idea they came from us at the time) -

She knows how to wear a cat. And wrap one for the holidays (ok technically she didn't come up with the wrapping-the-cat thing but she DID bring it to my attention).

She buys random really weird shit at estate sales (enabled/humored by her husband, who proves that like Mr Snarky, blogger husbands all deserve a fucking prize or daily bjs or something but we're too busy blogging so um we'll figure something else out).

And drinks.

Plus she makes me want to say "ya'll" in a not-snarky-or-faux-ironic way.

There are a lot of other reasons, but most importantly, she has a not-so-secret thing for Twilight.

Pic from The Bloggess - c'mon - you all know I don't know how to do this shit.


So go - be free!! Read her regular blog and her advice column and her sex column that is relatively safe for work unless your boss is a total douche canoe (her words not mine). Just don't forget about us Twitards, ok? Don't make me come after you...

P.S. Dear The Bloggess, if you are reading this, please remember that I am having an off night. And I hope I didn't creep you out with my proclamation of undying devotion.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

FanFic Cures What Ails You [er, or me]

Today was one of those days where I just couldn't get my head screwed on straight [ahem]. I mean, we have SO much to do, what with our little Forks excursion [is it possible to get banned from a town? Will they put our pictures up, all Wild West Style?] and our anniversary giveaways (more to come - promise!).

'Nuff said.

It doesn't help that things are busy as hell at work. There was so much shit flying today I had the overwhelming urge to answer my phone at work all, "what... and stuff?" ala Rifftrax style (somewhere along the 4:46 marker) or, better yet, growl at people when they ask where the fuck my TPS reports are. Because no one like to mess with the Crazy.

You know how some people drink a lot when they're stressed at work? Or take it out on their S/O? Or maybe you go around pushing old ladies with walkers in shopping aisles or kicking puppies to relieve the tension?

Well, not me. First of all, I challenge you to define 'a lot' when it comes to drinking under these circumstances and secondly, I would never even contemplate doing something as heinous as harassing the elderly or terrorizing small animals. Who would even think of that? Me? No. I prefer more socially acceptable ways to help ease that tension.

I read porn. I guess I should have specified which social group I was talking about.

Anyway, I have a few new fan fictions that I find myself obsessively checking to see if they've updated recently.

But - I should warn you... there aren't a lot of... lemons in these. Yet! {{does Duck n' Cover to avoid being pelted by vibrators, anal plugs and other frightening-looking objects}} I mean, there is always the possibility of a blow job in the future chapters. Lemons aside, these two fics are really good and I definitely suggest you check them out, especially if you like the more angsty relationship-types.

The first one is called Expectations and Other Moving Pieces by Chrometurtle. Here's the synopsis from FanFiction.net - Everything I had done in my life seemed to lead up to this moment. The moment when I found myself bound inextricably to a man I didn’t love, trapped in a life I didn’t want. And if I left him, I would be entirely alone.

It's a pretty heavy fic, with an angry, cold Edward and a very isolated Bella but the writing is just excellent. There was something that had happened in the past that she only alludes to by dangling these tiny little morsels of information in each chapter.

The next one is called I Run to You by MidnightTrain. I'm in love with her characters, especially vagabond Bella, Jasper and Emmett. It's canon pairings with possible lemons in future chapters and it's been a fun read, even if it's a got some angsty moments. There is drinking, tattoos, broken hearts and 1960 Gibson Hummingbird. Can't go wrong with that.

I have a better chance of farting loudly in front of RPattz than I do of ever being able to play a guitar with some small level of proficiency. Unless we're talking Guitar Hero - cuz then I'll wreck you, bitch.

Now, because I know you are all a bunch of hungry beavers looking for the smutty goodness, I do have a lemony filled one-shot for you. This one was actually recommended to me by TexasKatherine (you can find her spitting witticisms and vitriol on Twitter - @texaskatherine) and I was grinning like a fool in the first moment when I started reading it and drooling the next. It's another piece by KatieBelleCullen called Wendy's and, let me tell you, if any of my experiences at Wendy's were ever like this, I'd be going every night. Let's put it this way: A Frosty and a boy with a tongue ring. Need any more encouragement to check it out? Yeah, I didn't think so.

If I have to explain to you why a cold frosty and a tongue piercing has smexy potential, there is a problem. You've been under-exposed. Don't worry, I can remedy that.

I know a few of you have requested that we get some kind of link for all our fan fiction recommendations and we are totally on that. We will get to it in a timely fashion as soon as we can, promise!