Filling your treat bags with Halloween fan fiction

Happy Halloween, cock goblins! It will be all treats and no tricks here at Twitarded. I've got a few dark fic recs for you in honor of the holiday. Fair warning: these are not fluffy, upbeat little stories full of rainbows and bunnies. These are the shadowy back alleys of fan fiction.


Let's start off slow with some one-shots, or the Saturday Night Specials of fan fiction. These are quick and dirty and get the job done with a modicum of words.

First up is The Green Dress by littlesecret84. The official summary is "Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen cross paths one evening. This will be a night that he never forgets." I really can't say more than that without giving away the entire store.

Next on the list is one I just found yesterday and it blew me away. I love historical fiction and this was amazing. Very few people have the talent and the patience to research the little details of a time period. The Canonical Five by EchoesofTwilight rocked my socks. The official summary reads "What if before he became the respectable patriarch we all know and love, Carlisle was a killer? A very famous killer. DARK. M for disturbing themes and lemons. Entry for the There Will Be Blood contest." I kind of want to marry the author. If you are not familiar with Jack the Ripper and some of the lore surrounding it, you might want to wiki that before reading. It stands alone, but I'm a nerd who gets off on reading history.

I heard the Chief's daughter was here...

The last one-shot I have for you is This Mortal Coil by the incomparable eddiescherry aka @moijojojo, The writing is so amazing I want to throw my laptop out the window and never attempt writing again. Official summary: "One soul in peril, the other lost for eternity. What begins on a dark night at a cliff's edge, will end in a way that neither of them could have foreseen." I don't even feel worthy enough to expound upon that. Just read it. Someone (I don't know whom) made this incredible banner for her.


If you're in the mood for a longer story, I highly recommend Incubus Anomaly by elusivetwilight. "Incubus: a sex demon that visits women in the deep dark of the night. Edward relies on his special gifts to consume his prey. What happens when he meets the one woman immune to his unique abilities? M for dark lemons and dark themes" The lemons in this are crazy hot and she writes a very good Darkward. Yum.

Those of you looking for a tamer fic should check out Deconstructing Dracula by hmonster4. "Fear, insecurity. They manifest themselves in different ways. An opportunity to spend 6 months in London working on a dissertation sets the wheels of fate in motion, radically changing the lives of 4 people in ways they never would have expected. AU/AH." It's brilliantly written and explores the different facets of the novel that started it all. No, not Twilight; the one before that.

If you haven't already, go give these stories a looksie and leave them some love. I can't believe some of these fics only have a handful of reviews.

That hurts my heart, TK.

Do Rob a solid [ahem] and check out these babies. Have a safe and happy Halloween, h00rs!

What the #%&*! Month IS It, Anyway?!?

So yesterday, I took my bedraggled, beat-down ass over to the grocery store after work. As I heaved my overflowing cart to the check out lanes, I remembered that I needed to get some Halloween candy. We don't get that many trick-or-treaters, mostly because the guy next door puts on REALLY loud and REALLY scary scream-y sounds [it would be a stretch to call it "music"], lights torches, and gets a smoke machine going, so most of the neighborhood kids steer well clear and avoid our house, too.

I hadn't seen any big displays of candy while I was schlepping my cart around the store, but then I remembered that last year, they had put all of their Halloween candy up at the front of the store, in front of the registers. I recalled this specifically because at the time I remember thinking "Well that was a REALLY shitty idea - I'll bet you sell almost NO Halloween candy because everyone is already eyeballing the cash register and making sure the stoned high-school kid isn't triple-charging them for that already ridiculously overpriced brie they got dazzled into buying at the froufrou Princeton grocery store..." So I figured if I parked my cart for a sec and dashed up to the front of the store, I'd find a cornucopia of chocolatey Halloween delights.

Imagine my surprise - nay, horror! - when instead of a Halloween candy and goblins and tombstones scene kinda like THIS:

Halloween stuff - YAY!!!

I found THIS instead -

Did someone just hit fast-forward on the calendar???

OK so it wasn't REALLY exactly like this, but for all intents and purposes, they might as well have had Santa and his helpers running around asking who's been naughty and who's been nice. There were Christmas trees (plural), candy canes, inflatable lawn decorations - the works!

Do I sound like I have a problem with this??? Good. Because yeah...I do. I rolled my eyes when I got my first Christmas-themed catalog in the mail over a month ago, and did it again when I noticed Christmas merchandise popping up in the stores not long after...dammit I am NOT ready! I might be dating myself here, but fuck it - I remember the Christmas holiday season didn't start until riiiiiight around Black Friday. These days? You don't even get to let Halloween pass before the Christmas stuff starts taking over. Labor Day passes and BAM! Bring on the wreaths and holly. Thanksgiving? Bah humbug!

Here are a few examples of acceptable Halloween-Christmas crossover moments:

Who even knows what's going on under there??? Someone get her a drink, please...

Halloween Tree. If you must and are feeling all Martha-Stewart-y.

Dirty Mrs. Claus & Her Naughty Elfette costumes, anyone?

Don't get me wrong - when the season is really upon us, I'll be first in line to get things going! I love celebrating the holiday season with my family and friends - I'm no Scrooge. Plus I've been a veeeery good girl this year, so who know what I will find under the tree on Christmas morning???

Oh please Santa oh please oh please - I've been SO good...

Until then? Well, might as well brace ourselves for the inevitable -

'Tis the 4th of July almost-Christmas Season!

Merry Easter to all, and to all a good night!

A Little Sad, A Little Laugh but One Big "I'll Miss You, Chicken."

Here's the deal with tonight's post, folks. It's going to be a little sad, and then hopefully a lot of funny. But most of all, it's very personal for me. If you want to bypass the sad and go straight for the giggles, just skip the first few paragraphs.

For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you may remember that I mentioned having to take my furry, stinky little companion of 8 1/2 years, Gizmo (aka "Chicken" - long story...), to the vet. Unfortunately, Gizmo's heart gave out and ML and I made the agonizing choice to put him to sleep.

It's amazing how much of a presence such a tiny little creature can have in a home, and both ML and I agree our house seems so much quieter and emptier now that Chicken is no longer here to divest our bags of all our belongings (where it would take us days or weeks later to find them hidden away in a closet or under the couch). We'll miss his giggling and the way he'd pounce on whatever it was you were doing because "pay attention to me gahd-dammit." And we will most definitely miss his adorable little ferret face and his ferret-y little kisses.



But, really, we'll just him most of all.

Gizmo was an awesome ferret from the get-go and it was essentially the reason why I got him from the pet store all those years ago - he just didn't seem to fit in with all the other ferrets. He was big, doofy but so, so sweet and gentle. When I got him home that first day, he shot out of the box like a rocket...directly into the leg of my coffee table and almost knocked himself out. I stood there, appalled that he almost killed himself within 20 minutes of being under my care, but I just knew he was the one companion for me. Because, really, what animal in their right mind would do that?

He was with me through about 5 moves, a break up or two, and even a couple of deaths in the family. He would lick my tears when I cried and then he would steal my cigarettes when I wasn't looking.

I respected that about him.


He was just a good chicken. Snarkier Than You was a tad apprehensive when her and the chicken were first introduced but soon enough, she was even cuddling with him.

Now! On to the funny. I do admit that I'm recycling this post from an old blog from a long time ago, when Gizmo was just a spring Chicken but it explains my sweet old ferret-face to a T.

Junior Is Up To No Good!!!

Ok, well Junior actually goes by the name Gizmo. Or Chicken (long story). Anyway, Gizmo is a ferret. For those that aren't familiar with these cute little critters, ferrets like to hoard stuff. And they steal what they hoard and, quite honestly, make excellent little thieves. Actually, the ferret's Latin name roughly translates into 'Stinky Mouse Killing Thief'. So there is your useless knowledge for the day - do with it what you will.

This is Gizmo:


Gizmo's 'room' is actually the box spring of our queen size bed. We were not happy with this but, as I've said before, ferrets are very resourceful and quite determined to get their way. It was a good, long hard battle but Gizmo persevered - the box spring was his.

Gizmo also really really likes plastic - you crinkle a plastic bag in the kitchen and he comes out of nowhere and will go ape shit to get the bag. So, naturally, Gizmo hoards plastic bags. And anything they contain. I've found books in plastic, shoes in plastic (that I carry to work with me), jewelery in plastic, etc. Every month I go through his hidey hole and clean out the contraband and make sure that he doesn't have anything valuable, important or dangerous in there. After this month's sweep, however, the box spring is going far far away.

This is what we found:


Apparently Gizmo's plastic fetish has reached epic proportions. That big mound in the middle of the bed is comprised of plastic bags of every shape and size from sandwich bags to gigantic Target bags. He must have been pulling them out of the pantry behind my back and hiding them in the box spring.


I honestly could not understand why I was going through pocket tissue packs like crazy. It now appears that someone has figured out how to open my purse. Which I hang up on the doorknob, by the way. How he even gets up there is a mystery.


That, my friends, is a FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH!!!! And it was inside my box spring!!! Gizmo apparently really coveted this gem of a find because I found it inside a plastic bag that was already inside a plastic bag. Oh, and that's also some important looking cable and a maxi pad.

Just for the record, Gizmo has no interest in chewing or eating any of his finds. He just likes to hide them. His box spring days, however, are over.

What does Edward Cullen wear on Halloween?

Every Monday morning I check my schedule for the week before I even get out of bed. Then I roll over, grab a syringe full of adrenaline, shoot it straight into my heart and pray I survive the next seven days of anal plundering.



This Monday, when I checked my calendar, I realized this freaking weekend was Halloween. Are they still having that on the 31st? Shit. Some part of me (the part that's usually drunk, face down in a ditch somewhere) was actually prepared. I bought my child a costume a couple of weeks ago. Whew. The only problem is that I don't like the costume. It's my backup costume. You know, in case I forgot about a holiday that occurs annually on a set date. Like I did.

An actual image from my last CT scan.

I beat a path to the nearest costume shop and dug through the sad costumes no one wanted: giant hot dog... fat Elvis... the Beaver kid. That's when my Twidar went crazy. Something in the store was emitting Twilight rays. I peeked around the corner and found a wall of Twilight posters. Lots and lots of posters. I instantly dropped the giant mustard bottle costume and headed toward the pretty posters. Could it be? Did they have Twilight costumes? My entire Halloween plan was instantly scrapped. Ok, technically there was no plan before that moment. Nonetheless, Mr. TK would be so excited to find out he was going Trick or Treating as Edward. I would be Bella, naturally, and the boy would go as Buttcrack Santa. Freaking genius! It was like an epiphany. The sky opened, light shone down and I heard angels singing. I was so excited I was like a Yorkie (the dog, not the Eric) on crack, running in circles in front of the posters.

On my eighteenth pass, I realized I still hadn't found any costumes. WTF? I asked the dude who appeared to be in charge (read: standing behind a cash register looking like he wanted to end it all). He said the posters were decoration. Decoration? Is that some kind of a sick joke? I want a Bella costume and I want one. Right. The. Fuck. Now.

TK doesn't like false advertising.

I figured I could get one online and be extra prepared for forgetting about Halloween next year. I Googled "Twilight costumes" and clicked on the first link.

Oh hi, Not Quite Edward. Shhh. Don't tell Summit.

Did I see a different movie? Were there prostiteens and Rambo wannabe's in the director's cut? NEXT!

A few links down was a site called Twilight Costume. Sounds promising.

Who are these fuckers? Taycob, what big ears you have.

I don't think these people have ever read the books or seen the movies.

FAIL. Time to change your bong water, folks. Not. Even. Close.

One of these things is not like the others.

I like how the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader is the third highest rated Twilight costume. I bet she's in the top five of every category. Men.

Here's a site that actually gets it right. It tells you how to make your own simple Edward and Bella costumes. It even gives you some shortcuts for those of us who can't get our act together ahead of time.

Is anyone dressing up for Halloween this year? I'll probably just go as Drunk Bella again this year. That outfit consists of my Bella jacket, jeans and a flask. Priorities. I haz them.

And Here I Thought We Were DONE Making Fun Of Twilight Dolls...

There was a time when I thought we'd had our say on the topic of dolls and action figures from the Twilight Saga. Said our peace and were done with it. Over. FINI! Well, I was wrong.

Buff-Yet-Strangely-Adolescent-TorsoWard says BRING IT!

Amazon.com - gawd bless their shopping analytics - happens to know that I've bought a thing or two related to the Twilight Saga in my time. So occasionally [read: probably several times a week - daaaamn, they really KNOW me!], I open my work email to find helpful suggestions and tips on new products I might like... Don't ask me why I have my Amazon account set up to send emails to my work account; probably because I like to obsessively track any purchase I make and that's the email address I am most connected to - like it or not - most days.... But really, the things they send me make me look like a dysfunctional tweener. Anyway, frequently, the things they send me are Twilight related, and a couple of weeks ago, I got a link to the Twilight New Moon Movie Jasper Action Figure:

Jasper AHHHNGRY!!! GRRRRR!!!

It seems an odd choice to base the Jasper action figure on "Jasper the moment Bella gets a paper cut and he decides he's gonna eat her up!!! NOM NOM NOM!!!!" but yeah it looks like that's what they did. For whatever reason. He looks like a fey Incredible Hulk or something...

Of course, the world of Twilight Barbies is fraught with bad decisions... Like Jorts Jacob...

I have chicken legs! Tiny little undeveloped girl-Barbie chicken legs!
Poor Taycob... He worked so hard!

Edward and Bella? Fughettaboutit... At first I thought these dolls were based on characters from the Jersey Shore.... Not as guido as New Moon Mini-Edward, but... As I read somewhere while searching for pics, these dolls look like Edward and Bella after an ill-advised shopping spree in the clearance section at Forever 21...

I mean seriously, what's up with the zipper on her jacket?? It's the size of her head!

Some of the "Official" dolls are better than others...

Not completely terrible...

But of course, "Rachelle Barbie" is way hotter than "Bryce Barbie" - sorry (but at least they toned down those awful fucking Shirley-Temple ringlets that she had in the movie) -

Nobody liked me. I iz sad...

There are still a lot of people out there going their own customized Twilight dolls... Surprisingly, sometimes, the people who do the repaints and one-of-a-kind Twilight dolls really DO get it right! Neca and Mattel, take note! Hire these people! Please!

I'm just going to come out and admit it: I love this one. The eyes are PERFECT.

Rosalie looking more like "Book Rosalie" than "Movie Rosalie" but nice!

Just right! A damn fine Alice...

Sometimes the one-of-a-kinds are kiiiinda CLOSE to right... But don't quite make it... C'mon - it's hard to get Edward just right. Apparently... This is...not awful. Somehow...

Fine, maybe a little too much Twilight-Edward maroon lipstick, but I'm still likin' this...

But of course, we wouldn't be us without taking a moment to mention all of the...also-rans... Some of these made me think it was the Twilight characters if they were dressing up for Halloween:

Edward's Halloween Costume: Johnny Depp from Cry-Baby???

Alice's costume: Vogue's Anna Wintour. She just needs giant sunglasses.
Perfect for your fave vampire fashionista!

Ziggy Stardustward.

And then some are just...inexplicable...

Corpseward??? How do you make the undead look...deader? Well there you go...

I'm not sure why this is supposed to be "Kristen and Rob" and not "Bella and Edward Go Salsa Dancing"

Domward and Goth Bella heading off to a night of fun and games in The Red Room of Pain?

I don't even know what is so horribly wrong with this Rosalie but I know it made me shudder...

...aaaand the piece de resistance - THIS is supposed to be...wait for it...EMMETT!
(no shit.)

Good thing Jenny Jerkface has a birthday coming up next month - I think someone needs a very, very special OOAK Twilight doll to put in the new Lair she's creating in her basement! I wonder how much the Emmett doll goes for? Who's in???

Jimmy Fallon Can Do Me But He Must Dress Like Robert Pattinson!

I have a bit of a crush on Jimmy Fallon. It started a few years back when he was in the movie Fever Pitch which basically ended up following my beloved Red Sox in their quest for their first World Series championship in 86 years. Did you know that they actually rewrote the end of this movie? In the original, the Sox lose (as usual), but when it was apparent they would finally win, the ending to the movie was rewritten and actually filmed at the World Series. I fucking love this movie. And even though I'm fairly certain Jimmy is not a true Sox fan, his portrayal made me believe he was the biggest fan ever. And it made me love him and possibly want to let him do some dirty stuff to me.

I'm not an avid watcher of Jimmy's late night show mainly because I'm too fucking old to stay up that late. But when I first saw his series of videos and the website called "Robert is Bothered" I pretty much nearly shit myself. These videos are pure fucking genius. The other day at work, I was having a completely sucky day so I went online to find something to cheer myself up and decided to visit Jimmy's website. It totally did the trick... I giggled through the whole collection of videos.

I haven't included all of them so go to the website to view the others. But here are some of my favorites.

Robert is bothered by technology - more specifically, the iPad. Since I recently bought one and am completely fucking addicted to it, I was dying laughing. What he says about the greasy fingerprints made me nearly piss my pants. Anyone with an iPad know exactly what he's talking about.



Sequels really bother Robert - especially New Moon. Why? Maybe because he's not in it much? And because it has a stupid title. He likes Twilight 2 more for an appropriate title. Or maybe he's just not a fan of werewolves.



Valentine's Day seems to be a thorn in Robert's side... and combined with his ungrateful, emotionless girlfriend's plastic attitude towards his gifts, he's not a big fan of this holiday!



And the piece de resistance... the video that solidified the fact that Robert Pattinson could be a great comedic actor if someone would only give him the chance. I only wish it was as long as the others - I feel totally gypped. Rob in that tree kills me. Dead.



You have to admit, while Jimmy is basically poking fun of our precious, he does it with class. The fucking hair kills me and totally has the outfit down - right to the Cullen crest wristband. And for some reason I just love it when he hisses at the camera! Makes me wish even more that SNL would invite Rob to host and maybe bring back Jimmy as a guest for the same show. I seriously think he would be pure genius.

We've all thought about the possibility of RPattz hosting SNL... maybe it's time we start a Facebook campaign like fans of Betty White did! So who's with me? Oh, and who's going to start the campaign? Fuck me, if one of us here at Twitarded is responsible, Rob will be Betty's age before it gets done.

Why Can't Men Refill Ice Cube Trays? A Mini Rant by Jenny Jerkface

This is a serious question (and a sweeping generalization), people. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this and I want to understand why men seem physically incapable of refilling a mother fucking ice cube tray.

I'm not trying to harsh on ML, don't get me wrong. He pulls his weight around the house, sometimes even more than I do.

But he doesn't refill the ice cube trays. Ever.

What the fuck?

This makes me feel stabby.

It's not like this is an arduous task, or one that involves heavy machinery or even much fucking thought. The ice cube tray is empty, you go to the sink, turn the fucking faucet on and fill it up. It doesn't even weigh much when you're done!!

Maybe he's drying it. Yes, that has to be it. He's going to let the tray dry so it will be... well, dry, when he puts MOTHER FUCKING WATER in it.

If he ever uses that as an excuse I'm going to nut-punch him.

Technically, ice cube trays don't really need to be washed, or at least not every single time. It's not like you can get salmonella from ice cubes and we're not freezing fucking piss in them. Of course, if I ever find out someone is filling them with urine those empty, neglected ice cube trays are going to be the least of my problems.

I just don't get it.

But it makes me want to punch a kitten, dammit.

Admit it, you've all been there. There is always something the S/O or roomie does that makes your ass clench in irritation. What is it?

What Happened to My Power Panties???

What comes up in Google Image search when you look for "Power Panties." Really???
Please note that nobody in any Spanx ad is actually in need of shapewear of any sort.

I've done a lot more traveling than I usually do in the last few months. And at some point while I was dumping things from my dresser into the biggest suitcase I could semi-manage to carry, it occurred to me that my "ladywear" has taken a turn for the worse over the last few years. Or decade-ish. It hasn't been a steep slope, mind you; more like a slight and somewhat imperceptible downhill that took me to a new low before I really even knew what was happening...

When I first discovered nice underwear in my teens, I discovered it HARD. Like make-up and feathered-back hair, it was go all in or go home in my book. I didn't buy anything particularly scandalous in my teens when I first started buying nice lingerie, but I managed to amass - through judicious outlays of what little cash I had supplemented by the occasional five-finger discount - a nice collection of pretty undies. I only wore matching sets. Period. Speaking of which, I don't even think I had "period panties" or "granny panties" at the time. I was all about cute sets of lacy little nothings... And that trend stuck with me for the longest time. I would only wear matching sets of bras and underwear. It didn't always have to be super racy or sexy, but it always had to go together.

Granny panties? Never!

I remember once when I was in my twenties and went shopping with a friend of mine. Let's call her "Nancy" (ok, her name really was Nancy - if you find me here Nanc, call me! I miss you...). We worked together in the restaurant at a country club (don't knock waitressing - it may have sucked a lot of the time but the money was about as good as you could get without there being pasties, glitter, and dancing on a pole involved). She was a little older than me, had a couple of kids, and had been with her husband for a long time. We ended up sharing a dressing room and as we stripped down, I couldn't help but notice that her undies were totally mismatched. If she had been blind and unable to distinguish fabric textures, she could not have been more mismatched. I don't consider myself a snob - at all! - but I remember thinking that I'd always care about what I was wearing under my clothes, no matter what. It mattered, dammit!

Fast forward a decade or so and there I was digging through my underwear drawer trying to find some stuff decent enough that I wouldn't scare JJ, Myg, LKW, or VitaminR70 as we frolicked around in our hotel rooms in Forks. I wasn't necessarily trying to come on to them, mind you (yes there was spooning in Forks and possibly a little girly kissing but I wasn't making an effort to seduce anyone!). But as I've mentioned before, I'm pretty damn vain. So when I realized that most of my underwear were more along the lines of "this boring, stretched-out bra is black and these tatty, not-the-same-brand undies are black and therefore I have a set" than "let's eat popcorn, watch twilight, and have a pillow fight!!!" material, I felt a little embarrassed.

I started thinking about it and realized I had down-graded from Power Panties/"va-va-va-voom" (or at least trying for va-va-va-voom) to "these are comfy" - my Victoria's Secret Angel credit card was collecting dust while I was picking up mismatched separates at TJ Maxx. Or worse. When I read in a tweet or a blog somewhere that Mrs. P had went out and bought special undies for her trip to Forks - like real, honest-to-goodness power panties that would make any fanfic Edward go mad with lust until he ripped them off her body with his teeth - while I had been feeling smug because I'd picked up a couple of three-packs of Hanes boy-shorts during one of my pre-Forks Target mega-sprees, I knew I had to take action. And don't get me wrong: I love those damn boy-shorts and they made damn good sleepwear, which was mighty convenient considering I don't own any other sleepwear and had been borrowing boxers from Mr. Snarky on the few pre-Forks trips I'd taken.

I know I am too old for Hello Kitty boy shorts, but...

But I kind of felt like I'd lost my ladywear mojo or something... I'm a big fan of cute-but-plain cotton undies and refuse to wear anything that's not reasonably comfortable, but I think that the dearth of sexier options in my dresser drawer needs to be addressed. If money were no consideration, I'd definitely go to La Perla or Agent Provocateur or someplace like that... I'd buy hundred-dollar undies that I'd happily let Mr. Snarky rip from my nether regions (of course, if I were disgustingly rich, I would also hire a personal trainer, a personal chef, and someone to follow me around and smack the food out of my hands so I would look hot in said hundred-dollar undies, too...). But given my current financial situation, I'd have to sell a well-used organ or my own semi-used underwear (no kidding - TK sent me this link to "My Used Panty Store" - {{{shudder}}}) to spring for anything fancy. Then again, I do have a little birthday money burning a hole in my pocket and I have been promising Mr. Snarky that when the weather turned cooler I'd consider taking my va-jay-jay back to Zusanna for some fine-tuning, so maybe it's about that time...

I'll work my way up to the "whip me_bite me_eat me_tease me" stockings...

So what's your current state of affairs under there? Are you sporting holey, stained, stretched-out bras and undies that are older than your kids? Do you wear racy, sexy lingerie under your boring ol' work clothes that have you smirking all day at the office? Somewhere in between??? Anyone know how to finance the small fortune that it takes to stock up on nice undergarments? Or should I just say "fuck it" and go commando and stop worrying about all that frill and finery???

Top 7 Reasons Why I'll Be a Spoiler Whore for Breaking Dawn

Yeah, I was too lazy to think of 10 reasons. What of it?

If you slack off at work all day and troll the blogosphere have seen any recent Twi news, you know our favorite cast is in THE STATE NEXT FREAKING DOOR TO ME gearing up for the filming of the Breaking Dawn movies. It's downright criminal that I'm still at home packing lunchboxes and earning a living.

For New Moon and Eclipse I was completely movie spoiler free.

This was my avi. Air fucking tight.

I watch almost no TV (LKW just died a little, but JJ is totally going to high five me) so it wasn't hard to avoid the commercials. I also wouldn't click any on links in Twitter. Even if the link promised to show me "the cutest puppy evahhhh," I wasn't touching it.

Had I broken my embargo to find this attached, someone would have died.

For these last two movies, I'm ripping off the chastity belt. Going commando. Releasing the beaver. Plating the pink taco.

My vagina was out sick on picture day.

I first heard about Twilight while watching the sneak peek on the Penelope DVD. I still can't explain it, but I had to see that movie. Right. Fucking. Now. While waiting not so patiently for the Twilight movie to be released lo those many years ago, I had never heard of fan fiction; Twitarded didn't exist. My life was like a moonless night. I greedily gobbled up any and all movie spoilers. YouTube was my bff. I watched all the clips I could find. The trailers for Twilight were so amazing I thought that movie was going to come into my house, cook me dinner, train my cat to use the toilet and fuck me six ways to Sunday. When the actual movie debuted and the final credits rolled, I thought, "OMG, that was... almost really cool." (That doesn't stop me from watching it at every possible opportunity to this day. Ours is a complex relationship.)

I felt my expectations were too high. Accordingly, I crazy glued my Twi hymen (twymen) back in and strapped on my iron mask panties.

Like this, but without the political undertones.

My expectations for Breaking Dawn could not be any lower, so I'm going full whore for these movies. Like LatchkeyWife level whore. Yeah, I ain't playing.

Here are my top 10 7 reasons for whoring it up. They are not in chronological order, even if it bugs the shit out of my CDO.

7. The (hopefully) improved "fight" scene — I read 4 entire books about what a bad-ass vampire Bella would make & she has a freaking shield? Are you kidding me? She can't even start fires with her mind? Lame.

6. Bella's wedding dress — If the wardrobes in the last 3 movies are any indication, I need to be prepared for this fashion train wreck.

Here comes the... Holy shit!

5. The engagement ring — I'm hoping the props department comes to their senses and slips in a prettier ring. Like a Ring Pop. Or brass knuckles.

I Googled "huge ugly ring" and this came up. Need I say more?

4. The birth scene — I'm already in preparatory counseling for watching Edward's oral c-section. Not to mention, Bella will still be the tightest bitch on the planet since she won't have a hybrid baby bust out of her vag like the Kool Aid man.

3. Renesmee — Jftr, this is how I picture her. I need some time to process this.

My mom can beat up your mom. Unless your mom has actual powers. Or a rolling pin.

2. Jake imprinting on Renesmee — That bears repeating. A. Wolf. Imprints. On. A. Baby. Reading it is one thing, seeing it is another. I need to ease into that one.

And the number 1 reason I want to see all things Breaking Dawn:

1. The fade-to-black honeymoon — I have an intrinsic human need to see that as many times as possible. It will crash YouTube. And it will be beautiful.

Like this. Minus the ugly clothes.

Tell us, how many of you will stay pure for the movies? Which of you will be spreading yourselves [ahem] thin searching for spoilers? Are any of you reformed whores? Er, spoiler whores, that is. Some things just can't be unshared.