Friday, January 7, 2011

Awards Shows Make Me Want To Barf... Unless Robert Pattinson Is In Attendance.

I generally like awards shows about as much as my annual visit to the touchy-feely doctor and normally base whether or not I'm going to watch one on what type of eye candy will be readily available for me to gawk at. If there's no Robert Pattinson or Johnny Depp sitting in the front row and shown on screen every 11 seconds then fuck 'em. I'll catch the highlights online. Most of the time I just record the damn show so I can fast forward to the good parts. There's just so much useless crap in these shows that I have no interest in wasting three perfectly good hours of my life watching. Plus, they only way Mr. Latchkey is going to watch is if Kourtney Kardashian is pole dancing naked next to whoever is presenting - the entire night.

For someone who tried extremely hard to not make eye contact with the Preh-tay, she's trying pretty hard to make him hard.

For some reason, I completely failed with the People's Choice Awards. I maybe had an idea that RPattz was going to be there, but by the time my I realized it was actually on television, it was too late. I didn't record it, I didn't even catch a glimpse during Mr. LKW's constant channel surfing... I only knew what I was missing from the incessant stream of tweets about what people were wearing and who looked fat and why the Rob wasn't walking the red carpet (um, because he didn't want anyone to ask him about his gold lame' coat, that's why!)

So basically it took me days to catch up with all the photos and videos and whatever else I needed to see to give you the Twitarded two cents on the whole thingy. I'm thinking people should just start calling us Twitardy!

Um, first let's just get this out of the way. Kristen Stewart looked pretty hot. Although she's not really my type, Jenny Jerkface, Myg, VitaminR and TK were all discussing the possibility of some girl-on-girl action with her and hoping that her constant twitching didn't make it suck. I thought the dress looked good but shit, if the light catches it just right, she could just about blind everyone within 100 yards of her. And what I wouldn't give to have legs that long and thin. Man that makes me want to kick her skinny ass.

Yo skinny! I can almost see your vagina.

Second... I'm sorry but Taylor Lautner bugs the ever living shit out of me and I want to punch him in his ultra while teeth. Maybe it's because he's too buttoned up.... or maybe it's because it still bothers me that he's not the right height to play Jacob... but man, I just want to smack him. Sorry TL lovers, it's just the way I feel.

Well looky here... little Tay-Tay is going in for an ass grab. In front of Rob no less... ballzy. I hope Rob punches his face in so I don't have to.

And last, but certainly not least, Rob... *sigh* It's always nice to see Mr. Dorkalicious when he comes out to play. He looked especially dorky and maybe a little boyish with his clean shaven jaw and black shirt buttoned up to the top - which I theorized was because in order to make sure he didn't misbutton the shirt, he had to start at the very top to get it all right. The jacket however, needs to be heaped into a pile with the brown puffy leather coat, doused with gasoline and set on mutherfucking fire.

I don't care if your jacket is from Dries Van Noten's spring collection. I still think it should be engulfed in flames. After you take it off in my bedroom of course.

But what really kills me about the whole night happens 14 seconds into this video... when that heart breaker KStew snubs the attempt at the hand hold. What. The. Fuck? I'm pretty sure my exact reaction to that little stunt was "if he tried to hold my hand, I'd drop to my knees and blow him in front of the world." I guess that's the difference between me and KStew... I'm a shameless slut. I can't believe she nearly gave him a handjob sitting in the audience (see hand on knee above), but wouldn't let him escort her to the stage with an innocent hand hold?



It kinda made me a little sad for him and I'm just saying now, if she breaks his heart, there's going to be a Twitarded posse coming to get her and it ain't going to be pretty. She has no idea the ninja skillz we'll unleash on her cold black heart.

TGIF twat waffles!

47 comments:

  1. I watched the KStew dis and thought that same thing. But I also think RPattz should have grabbed her damn hand and tucked her into him (you know, just like in all those fan fics) and walked her up onto the stage.

    And yes, KStew was looking absolutely gorgeous.

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  2. First off... I'm slightly obsessed with you folks... I love this site! Frankly, I couldn't bear to sit through the show, I was happy to see pics after the fact, so I didn't see Snubgate 2011 until now. Le cringe. Not sure what to think. I can't deal with TL either, I think it's the teeth.

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  3. Stewie is too cool for skool. That's why I like her.
    But yes....RP should have taken his claim.

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  4. She looked hot, he looked like his coat was the-present-from-KStew-that-I-have-to-wear-to-guarantee-poosay. Blegh.

    "But Rob, I saw it and I thought of you. You have to wear it at the awards show."

    "Kristen...This jacket is for...wearing in my bedroom with you. Not for...everyone to see!"

    "Fine. See this sparkly gold pussy?" (Rob nods vigorously) "You can't come near it unless you wear the jacket."

    (Rob puts on the jacket and smiles)

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  5. I don't know what is wrong with me but...I was instantly pissed when I saw the snub. Like I'm personally invested or something, lol! She did look hot. And I agree with @IGiveUp, he should have tucked her into his nook just like in all the fics.

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  6. Don't worry, if there's trouble in Robsten-dise, I'll take her and you can have him.

    But I don't think there's trouble - I think she has a firm rule with him about PDA in settings like that and he dorkily forgets. It's all good. Maybe he was punished later.

    I'm also a little drunk. Hubby says I shouldn't write comments or write Robsten fanfic while drinking my Riesling. But I am doing both. Ha!

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  7. Does that jacket remind anyone else of Luke Skywalker at the end of the first Star Wars movie, or is that just nerdy old me?

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  8. I did wonder if that jacket was a Xmas gift from some significant person - because God knows why else he would wear something so ugly. Except,let's face, the boy doesn't always do the best job of dressing himself.

    Either that or he's getting dressed by Jackson's jacket consultant.

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  9. How can a group of such beautiful people be so dorky. It's a crying shame.

    I think KStew was oblivious and didn't see the offering, but I'm with @IGiveUp. Grow some balls, RPattz... you'll get your way more often if you just grab it and take charge.

    @Banshee713 - I agree. Carlisle to Edward, "Edward... I am your father."

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  10. @Banshee713- I totally agree.

    @Lila your comments always crack me up.

    I think I am having my first girl-crush. KStew looked totally hot.

    Rob needs some help dressing and I would be happy to help him, not that much dressing would occur, it would be more me undressing him....
    I forgot what I was saying all I can think of now is naked rob

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  11. Is it just me or does KStew look uncomfortable ALL the time? Just once I'd like to see her wear a whole dress too in hopes that it would help cover up some of her gangly, uncomfortable in my own skin, has anyone seen my sweatpants deer in the headlights dorkiness. Yes, she's young but damn, ACT like you are comfortable, can stand up straight, and can string a sentence together.

    As for Rob, I'll be more than happy to help him out of that ugly jacket as well as the rest of his clothes. He's dorky in a much cuter way than Kristen is! I think he just needs an older woman to show him the ropes. *wink*

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  12. OMG, my heart broke when I saw the video @ 14 secs. It made me so sadddd "/

    But if you see her face, she was completely oblivious to his intention. I still hate her for not noticing though.... hand holding on live tv would have given me a little squeeeee moment.

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  13. Everything that @TwiJourney said! She might look ok (& wear shoe porn) but she's got the personality of a kitchen sponge. Rob is so whipped.
    W/v endic lol!

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  14. As far as i can tell, TL is the only normal one out of the three. Both Rob and KStew are so quirky that it's seriously painful to watch them. That 1st pic KILLS me! Can you imagine having a hand on Rob's thigh, and another on TL's? Freaking heaven! Can I please have her life for 1 day?

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  15. They fucked with the prettay one's hair!!!!! What the hell! Anyone else notice? I looked at the pictures and couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong schmexy Rob. Then I noticed his hair is now darker than KStew's. It's too fucking dark and I'm hoping the powers that be rectify this before they start filming again. Don't fuck with the perfect hair.

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  16. She did seem very uncomfortable. How comfortable would u be if you worked all day only to be scrubbed down shoved on a plane, had half a dz people primping you then hustled to be put on display in front of millions of people? I think I'd be pretty pissy !! Now do all this with your significant other in those heels ? Someone gonna die !!!! She seemed like she was trying very hard not to let him distract her ... Maybe too hard what was with all the attention She was giving Tay Tay ? Odd that he walked her up to get the award .. Shrug . Don't know if she saw his hand it looks like she was trying to push the skirt down and not trip.Noticed when all three were on stage and Tay was talking they were making eyes behind his back. That was cute !!
    Hopefully this is a real relationship and not something born of intense method acting that fizzles when BD is over. They are all still so young it would be sad if someone got hurt !!
    @Banshee713 - Was totally thinking he would have made a great Anakin Skywalker !!

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  17. I love u LKW! U r awesome! I absolutely love this post!! I agree about Tay Tay he sounds too much likes politician, too polished! Kristen did look gorgeous too but u r right Rob should have grabbed her. I just love his adorkabke self and yes that jacket should b burned but that's what we love about him:). Sooooo hot!!

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  18. I don't know if this is just me, but Robert Pattinson's jacket reminds me of one of the original designs for a character from L4D (before this character became an Americanized Shaun from Shaun of the Dead).
    Don't believe me, look at the concept art for that character: http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090531111806/left4dead/images/thumb/c/c8/Picture2.jpg/234px-Picture2.jpg

    Now all Rob needs is a beard to complete that look!

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  19. I'm willing to forgive the Precious for that jacket only because of his total fucking hotness. It really doesn't matter what he wears...we all have x-ray vision!

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  20. Dear Rob: Lionel Ritchie would like his jacket back now. Love, Me.

    If she breaks his heart I volunteer to be there to pick up all the little pieces and put them back together.

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  21. Hmph...I must be too in lust w/ Rob that I didn't even notice the fug jacket until everyone else started talking about it..

    As for Kristen's snub...I really don't think she noticed it & but of course it still made me sad to watch it!!

    Anyone else excited over Rob's new movie...Cosmopolis?! The first words that came to my mind when I read what the movie was about: Fifty Shades. Nuff said.

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  22. I can't watch these award shows live either. They are tedious and inane with tiny little bits of humor or humility sprinkled in. Tape and fastward thru all the crap. The people's choice awards were WAY too commercial this year. Sponsors should stick to their commercials and not become part of the show. I don't care about your beauty line at CVS Queenie.

    I thought Kristen looked spindly. She should go eat a double cheeseburger and some fries. Rob, you know I love ya but could you please not act so nervous and unsure of yourself? You've made it, relax. Kristen, "dude" grow up. You two made Taylor look like the grownup here.

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  23. Lets be objective here, KStew is mainly hated in Rob's fan sites,no matter what she do, if she is "snubbing" him, she is a cold heartless bitch, if she is travelling to his set movies or spending holidays with Rob, then she is a clingy, insecure, stalker groupie.Seriously, i'm a bitch but somehow the quirky two melt my heart, she must be really really in lust with him to tolerate that amount of bullshit everyday,i will never travel like 15hrs to spend 4-5days with a F-buddy or endure constant critics for not being "enough" for the precious.
    TayTay is too perfect, too polished, he is hollywood ready but i believe that as soon as he got his gayness out we will see the real Tay. OMG, Rob, his fashion sense is unique (& stinky)but my gosh, he is dreamy.

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  24. Yes the jacket was fugly..Do I care?..No!..Have you seen the BBQ pic of Rob in his lime green Christmas sweater? I Loved that Rob coauld barley take his eyes off Kris..and that girl next to him on the other side couldn't take her eyes off him..I don't think KStew intentionally dissed his hand, but I fuckin went BEZERK..like NOOO! He should have totes just grabbed her..I'm sure they discussed this before the show..NO PC (personal contact)...Rob,...I have plenty of PC to offer..

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  25. Oh my Gawd!!!! I am so happy I am not the only h00r in the world that can't stand TL. Sorry Jacob ladies. I don't know what it is, the more real he tries to be the more fake he feels.
    Yes, K Stew brush R Pats off. Hmmmmmm.... Oh well more for the rest of us to play with.

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  26. OMG. Funny as ever twitardys...

    The whole night was such an utter fail to me. I was expecting 'linch-pin' like acceptance speeches when Rob won Actor & Best under 25. I was expecting mad-crazy Robsten eyesex in the front row. NOTHING!

    So I tot agree that Stewie was just oblivious to the hand hold attempt... I think she was so nervous about climbing those stairs in her 5 inch fuck-me-heels that she didn't even notice it. (We all know she likes to bite the dust a lot and if she'd done it in that skirt her vag woulda been on twitter & TMZ within minutes.)

    Totally agree about our boy manning up and claiming that shit. He shoulda just grabbed her and carried her up the stairs (woulda made twitter explode & then they'd never have to worry about ppl tweeting their location ever again. j/s)

    If Tay-Tay ever gets that touchy feely with Rob's woman again - the Pretty needs to pee on her damn leg or something so the boy understands who belongs to who...

    As for the jacket and the hair. Oh lord. Are they trying to fuck with him so TL looks decent!? The short dark hair? WTF!? Is Stephenie not gonna bitchslap someone & tell them what Edward is supposed to look like? Cause that ain't it. And that jacket!??? (*Luuuuke, I am your father*)

    All I can say is I seriously hope they knocked Tay-Tay out with a sleeping pill on the way home and got to have some hot Mile-High action on the posh plane so the whole night wasn't a total waste.

    And don't even get me started on the fact that we let our boy down and let fucking Efron win that award...We're all fail for that one.

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  27. @Banshee - yes! yes yes yes! Rob, the force is with you! Now get out there and shoot up some imperial scum in your X wing! Or stand on a hill and stare broodingly at the twin suns of Tatooine.

    Latchkey, I know you hate Taycob, but wook at his pwetty widdle face, how can you not wanna squish him up?

    Is there any way we can alter the song by the erstwhile housewife and make it Twitardy to the Party? I'm likin' it already. :)

    I missed you twat waffles!

    P.S. STOP THE PRESSES, Fooorkspimp finally got her ass on twitter - look me up @fooorkspimp! (that's three o's) :)

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  28. @palasluna. totally agree.

    1. kstew gets no fucking slack. godbless her, shes the poster child of projection for venomous jealousy of robsessed h00rs everywhere. i like to think her quirky, anti-establishment persona has helped him with the pressures of hollywood and fame more than we will ever know. i do know she has to be one hella strong, independent woman to even exist with all the bullshit.

    2. there will be a collective gasp heard around the fandom by many when TL comes steps out of the closet. personally, i think he's a great hardworking kid, and hope he can handle the pressure to maintain "the image" until he can be himself, if indeed its true what my friend mary tells me....he's yet to be wrong.

    oh, and you would think, as long as we've all been pervin over the Pret-tay, we'd fucking know by now he HAS NO STYLE! dorkward. *sigh* its just another thing i lurves about him.

    and hope he never never changes.

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  29. I know we give poor kstew a bit of grief here on the blog but... hot damn she is fucking beautiful. Gorgeous.

    That jacket. There really aren't words for just how fugly that coat is. But he still looks wonderful.

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  30. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diYAc7gB-0A

    Heaven knows I was just a young boy

    Didn't know what I wanted to be

    I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy

    And I guess it was enough for me
    To win the race? A prettier face!

    Brand new clothes and a big fat place

    I think there's something you should know

    I think it's time I told you so

    There's something deep inside of me
    There's someone else I've got to be

    I just hope you understand

    SOMETIMES THE CLOTHES DO NOT MAKE THE MAN

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  31. I personally believe the 'hand grab gate of 2011' was officially part of the most epic love story push. In all honestly it looks like Rob when getting himself up out of the chair, he brushed his gigantic hand (the man really does have big hands! you know what they say!) along hers and being the adorkable man that he is he thought she was trying to grab his hand...he realizes she is fine and they both continue on their merry way. Its really not that complicated. But yeah I'm one of those that don't believe they are anything more than friends.
    Kristen looked good, I wish her stylist would stop putting her in coochie length dresses though!

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  32. Kristen looked great but she has on what we call in the fashion industry a "coffin dress"-- meaning it is only embellished in the front. Why wouldn't there be sequins in the back as well? I don't get it, it bothered me-- like she picked it up at Forever 21 or something. BUt it beats a blue oxford shirt and khaki skirt, I suppose. Anyway, I still love all 3 of them. They should just stop letting the Twilight wardrobe people be their RL stylists as well...

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  33. Ok, I'm just going to go out on an extremely short limb here.. Kristen looked like a hooker. Her dress might have cost $$ but it was ridiculous for any age at an awards ceremony. (In fairness most of Hollywood fucks up their wardrobe choices) But come on! Those heels?? Kristen can't walk in Converse let alone those 7 inch monsters. Rob was no doubt trying to grab her hand, the hem of her dress any part of her body just so she didn't make an ass out of herself, literally, yet again. Fist Pump, Fist Pump! Christ, just fall down already so you can complete the part!

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  34. Okay first of all I don't know what Century 21 agent Rob stole that gold jacket from but he needs to give it back ASAP.

    Secondly, Kstew dissing Rob's hand hold just made my heart hurt. Poor guy!!! He shoulda just latched on and said "Hold on tight spider monkey". Even though I doubt spider monkeys hold hands. It would work still though.

    I freaking hate awards shows too. I didn't watch. I just saw all the awful pics of Rob's jacket and the pics of Kstew in her hot ass dress posted all over tumblr/twitter. I knew I could count on you guys to bring me the full story a week later :p Loves you, just kidding!!!

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  35. The People's Choice was a complete waste of time except for the last 10 minutes, and even that wasn't really great. I agree that Kristen looked great, Rob looked almost homeless and Taylor was a douche. Rob is so smitten with Kristen and you are absolutely correct that when she breaks his heart all of Twitardia will be after her!

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  36. I agree with Michelle; KStew looked like a hooker. I know she likes to flaunt those long, skinny legs but she's getting to be a bit one-note, always wearing dresses in which you can practically see her hoo-ha. And awkward! Good Lord. How hard is it to just say thank you without bumbling and stumbling?? It's painful to watch. And, you know, it's OK for folks to dislike her ... it doesn't mean we're jealous that she's with Rob. That's just silly. I will say, though, that I really don't think she saw him trying to take her hand.

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  37. jeebus, this blog's gonna hafta be renamed "STEWTARDED"

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  38. K was hot...as usual. Rob was tingly gorgeous, Tay was adorable.
    I'm a HUGE Robsten lover (sorry, just can't help it!) but I saw the no-go hand hold too and for the first time I thought "I will be extremely pissed if she breaks his heart". I think everyone is with me on this. It's hard for me to say though, because I heart the Kstew hardcore...but I love Robear more <3

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  39. Hi Lisa,

    Don't worry, twitarded is not a shipper site so you will not be attacked! Like I said I honestly don't believe he was hurt/or she meant to 'dis' his hand holding. She was having issues all night getting up out of the chair and walking in the way to high heels to the stage. Taylor helped her a few times as well. I really believe they brushed hands when they both got up and he thought she needed help...realized she didn't and then that was it. I love you all, I swear I'm not trying to start anything I just truly believe that there was nothing to that. No dis by Kristen and no hurt feelings by Rob. Now I feel stupid for explaining this so thoroughly. K, bye!

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  40. The jacket is super nasty, but I didn't have much energy left to spend hating it after suffering through that cringeworthy teasing bit from Latifah.
    I was more uncomfortable than when watching BBC The Office, or Curb Your Enthusiasm. And those are SUPPOSED to be hard to watch.
    I feel for those poor kids having to fake amusement.
    Totes missed TL's sly butt grab. Classic.

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  41. I never pay attention to award shows so I never know when they are on. I will have to watch this video when I get home from works though. Refusing to hold his hand!! *scoff, snort** WHAT IS SHE CRAZY??!! I would've taken that hand and planted on my ass, boob, vagina, whatever! HAHA! Cheers ladies!

    PS - The coat is hideous but that man can wear anything he wants.:-)

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  42. How can a group of such beautiful people be so dorky. It's a crying shame.

    I think KStew was oblivious and didn't see the offering, but I'm with @IGiveUp. Grow some balls, RPattz... you'll get your way more often if you just grab it and take charge.

    @Banshee713 - I agree. Carlisle to Edward, "Edward... I am your father."

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  43. I don't know what is wrong with me but...I was instantly pissed when I saw the snub. Like I'm personally invested or something, lol! She did look hot. And I agree with @IGiveUp, he should have tucked her into his nook just like in all the fics.

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  44. Don't worry, if there's trouble in Robsten-dise, I'll take her and you can have him.

    But I don't think there's trouble - I think she has a firm rule with him about PDA in settings like that and he dorkily forgets. It's all good. Maybe he was punished later.

    I'm also a little drunk. Hubby says I shouldn't write comments or write Robsten fanfic while drinking my Riesling. But I am doing both. Ha!

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  45. First off... I'm slightly obsessed with you folks... I love this site! Frankly, I couldn't bear to sit through the show, I was happy to see pics after the fact, so I didn't see Snubgate 2011 until now. Le cringe. Not sure what to think. I can't deal with TL either, I think it's the teeth.

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  46. I have just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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