Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Monthly Crime Scene

Twitarded put itself on the map with poop jokes, so I figure nothing is off limits. Any gentlemen reading (I'm looking at you, RPattz) may want to turn a blind eye to this post. Studies have shown that when women live together their menstrual cycles sync. I'm not sure what purpose this serves, other than it's plainly obvious some cosmic force wants all men to die. Since I spend more time talking to the other ladies who run this blog than the people I actually live with, we've all managed to "sync up." I'm sure you lovely readers can tell because the tone of the blog turns from 'OMG RPattz is sofa king hawt!!!' to 'I want to tear someone's head off, shit down their throat and spike their cranium on the ground!!' (Ok, JJ & I might be like that all the time. Suck it.)

Behind the scenes on "The Lion King" set.

Despite the fact that I buy tampons in bulk and squirrel away "emergency tampons" in every purse and jacket I own, I always seem to be out when I need them the most. I also always seem to launch one of these "emergency tampons" onto the grocery store checkout counter when I'm looking for my wallet, but that's another story. Last month, when my body turned itself into a wayward medical experiment, I went searching for my emergency stash. I pull out every coat and overturned every purse I own. I found 30,000 receipts, packs of gum, smashed Nutrigrain bars, 11,000,000 bottles of hand sanitizer, but no fucking tampon. (No Edward pen either. Dammit.)

Not my purse. This purse looks neater.

I hobbled to the CVS down the street, grabbed the industrial sized box that should be called "Men Would Die If They Bled This Much" and trucked up to the counter. I'm not sure why drugstores only employ 17 year-old boys, but they do. Naturally, 17 year-old Kevin had to do a price check on my giant box of feminine products. While I'm waiting at the counter, clutching my side due to cramps that would make General Schwarzkopf spill national secrets faster than Edward runs, I thought, "There has to be a better way!"

A while back ago someone sent me a link for a review on one of those plastic cups that fits inside your cock pocket. I dismissed it immediately because it has to be washed. I like everything that comes in contact with me to be disposable. I don't need an extra thing to clean. That's why our family pet is a cat; he washes himself. Constantly.

I've pasted the review below because (1) it's the funniest thing I've EVER read and deserves to be shared with the world, and (2) I'd like to know if anyone else has experience with these doodads.

1.0 out of 5 stars Prepare for battle!, August 23, 2009
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: DivaCup Model 2 Post-Childbirth (Health and Beauty)
So one of the many new devices I purchased for this trip was a Diva "Moon Cup". Since feminine hygine supplies would be hard to come by and waste-producing, I opted instead to buy a thing like a Barbie Deluxe Toilet Plunger, and stuff it up my hooha.

The theory is that the cup catches your pan drippings, and you empty it a couple times a day, washing it with hippy soap, and reinserting. It presupposes you are enough of an Earth Mother to be OK not only with your monthly outpourings, but also with generally fossicking around in your flaps. Now, I am no stranger to gore. Nor am I squeamish about my delicate rose of delight, except that I have no such illusions about it and indeed am always reminded of nothing so much as stuffing an oddly-warm raw turkey. So, when after several weeks of teasing, the Period Fairy threatening to postpone the Communist Invasion until I was actually getting on the plane (I was about ready to scream and cry at some hapless unwary male just as a sacrifice to appease her) at last I greeted the rosy-fingered dawn and set about embarking on my new life as a eco-friendly Diva.

The Moon Cup comes in two sizes; Size A, for youthful nymphs under 30 who have never given birth and have silken tresses and tinkling laughs and are all size 0, and size B, for Big Ol' Bitches like m'self, who have either spawned, or are so old (ie over 30) that they might as well have been poppin' them out like Duggar Donuts, because their sugar walls are now echoing corridors full of cobwebs and slackness. Of course the packaging phrases it more nicely, but I was miffed to see that despite having never replicated, I was still doomed to the Big Gulp size because of my age alone.

So, chalice in hand, fingers washed, and let's fold that thing like a taco (no, not THAT thing, the other thing!) and cram it up where only one man has gone before and even then not for a damn long time even when he WAS still around. I'm sure I imagined the rusty creaking sounds as I tried to shove something which was larger than anything previous (with the exception of various medical speculums which, I believe, were constructed by the same person who designed the Montlake Drawbridge)into the Gaping Maw.

Now, you're supposed to roll the cup up, smuggle it past the border, let it expand, then turn it clockwise (or counter clockwise, or then one way and another, stopping when you hear the click, or something...) anyway, you're supposed to be able to turn this thing like a dial in there."If the cup does not turn easily, you did it wrong" Oh, of course, I'll just grasp hold of a thing about the size, shape, and slipperyness of the pointy end of a peeled hard-boiled egg, which is now buried in the meaty folds of my innermost femininity, which, I may add, are well-sluiced with the special effects from a Quentin Tarantino film, and spin that sucker like a dredel.

There is, also, a small stem at the base of this cup, which, being made of the same slippery silicon and about a centimeter long, is about as helpful as providing a live, untrained earthworm for a handle. More on this later.

So, rotate this thing in situ, to ensure a good 'seal' and a comfortable fit.

Does. Not. Happen.

Ladies (and gentlemen, although I hope for your sake none of you gentlemen are reading this), I tried. I hauled that thing in and out of there more times, and with much less joy, than Eeyore with his birthday present, and not once could I get that thing to "turn easily". I finally gave up, since it seemed, at one point, to be "fully inflated" and more or less in the right place. Frankly I think that having left my furrow unplowed for so long, I'm not exactly the proper degree of hotdog-hallway that the instruction-writer was intending to address, but so be it. Let's give this thing a whirl, if we can't give it a twist.

Fast forward a few hours in which I've done nothing much. To its credit, I don't feel the presence of THE CUP at all, no discomfort, not even a vague sense of "eugh" as I sometimes have when knowing all that stands between me and my khakis is a small cottony Dutch boy. In fact, I'm getting rather concerned that the Diva Cup has wormed its way in like some form of parasitic jellyfish and is now eagerly migrating up my fallopian tubes, with me all unknowing. Time to go fishing.

And that is where I discover that, while it's difficult to try and 'turn' a Diva Cup newly lodged in your sanctum sanctorum, it's a freakin' log-fall compared to trying to recover said Cup after it has gotten comfortably settled in the downy folds of your blood-engorged tissues. Yes, indeed, if cram my fingers up there to the point of pain, I can just, tantilizingly, tickle the end of that goddamn silicone 'stem'. Grasp it? Not in hell.

Of course the instructions say, if this happens, DO NOT PANIC. Well, thank god for that, because I was already running through the list of people I'd trust with a flashlight, a set of forceps, and an experience that would scar both of us for the rest of our lives. There were instructions for different positions, and "bearing down" and so forth, which I tried, to no avail, and I was pretty sure that my ham-fisted efforts (ahem) were just making things worse on the "swollen" front, so Diva and I took a break, and retired to our respective corners for an hour or so.

Now I brought out my secret weapon: Beer. If, gods help me, I ever have to have a baby, I intend to be drunk off my ass for the delivery, and I surely hope that the Fairy Prince Unicorn Elvis who is my chosen Babydaddy will provide a bedside IV of godly ambrosia, or at least Jim Beam. But anyway, two beers and I'm good to go spelunking in quest of the Holy Grail once more.

Either the beer, or the break, or the combination of all of these and squatting on the bathmat like a Neanderthal crapping, finally, produced enough of that goddamn 'stem' to grab (which was good, because I was dreading having use the kitchen tongs Up There or something) and, with a surprising amount of horrible suctioning "discomfort", the invader was routed! And, wonder of wonders, it was indeed partially filled. Not filled with DELICIOUS CANDY, no, but it did seem to have been, you know... -working-, before I so rudely dislodged it from its parasitic feeding. I felt a combination of grudging respect and intrigue, as one might upon meeting a foe worthy of their steel. Provided we could agree to disagree on the whole "turn 360 degrees in place" aspect, perhaps this could indeed be a workable partnership. Better than bleeding into the Rupununi and attracting every caiman, pirahna, and candiru fish for fifty miles.

But not without some boundaries first. I tied a ROPE to that stupid stem this time.

--xx--

If you haven't heard, the O.B. Ultra tampons have been discontinued. This is undoubtedly the act of a man who does not value his life. In desperation some women have turned to the Diva Cup. Click here for a thorough review. There's a video. I made it a full 54 seconds in before I started having flashbacks to middle school health class. Grab your reed mats and join the share circle. Do you have any trade secrets for surviving your crime scene? Do tell.

63 comments:

  1. I swear I burst into tears of laughter reading that. It kills me.

    I am so NOT okay with "fossicking in my flaps" or going for an expedition in my vagina in the first place.

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  2. I have been using a diva cup for 2 years. If you are set on using it than discard all those "directions" and do what works for you. It took me 4 cycles to learn how to use it right and now I can put in in and take it out w/out a second though. When taking it out I have never had to use the stem(I actually ended up cutting it off) and I have NEVER ever, ever been able to turn it. Once its lodged, its lodged and besides, who wants to go digging around in there to try and turn it??? Anyway, at 1st I though it was gross and bizarre now I think its funny. You have a cup. in your who-ha. swishing gunk around while your walking. swish, swish, swish... Totally gross but I find it oddly humorous.

    oh and once you get used to it you will probably never be able to use a tampon again. they feel so gross

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  3. Oh mah gaaawwwwdddd!!!! @tk...that was fucking awesome. I cant remember the last time I laughed so hard. Someone needs to track down the woman who wrote that review and get her to write a blog that I can follow, cause she is hifuckinlarious.

    As for tricks of the trade, I am a firm believer in OBs but wish they still came with applicators. They provide the best protection against leaks and are easier to put in a pocket without being seen.

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  4. that is one of the most disturbing products i have ever seen. i can't imagine walking around with that thing inside of me, filling with blood, and then having to dig it out and empty it?! i don't like fishing around in there when it's clean, never mind when my fingers could come out looking like i just sacrificed a chicken. the blood is not meant to stay in. i don't even like using tampons, but will if i need to wear a thong or go swimming.

    i was buying pads the other day and accidentally bought the medium length ones instead of the short ones. they go all the way from my pubic bone to the top of my ass crack! how long are the long ones, and who needs that much protection? are they wearing only 1 pad a day? even if i need pads that big, i don't want to admit it to myself. i'd rather use the short ones and change them every hour.

    please, God don't let Rpatz be reading this post!

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  5. My eyes! The tears burn! And my abs hurt. A lot. I think this was the most successful workout of the day!

    This is the funniest shit evah. And just the type of info I needed to NOT use a rubber Dixie cup to soak up my leftovers. *shudder* I just know I'd be a tard-O with that thing.

    I've heard of people using the Diva Cup, but I swear there isn't enough anti-bac in the world, and I think The Bentist's clinic would wonder about their nitrile glove inventory because I do not need to pull my hands out from my medium rare curtains with all of that evidence everywhere. Gaaaaahhhh....

    I'm with @norcal. Where is this chick? I need to follow her blog STAT.

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  6. Are you sure one of the Twitarded crew didn't write that review??? It sounds so like a Twitard :)

    I went back to the pill because I couldn't stand feeling like I was in high school all over again at the age of 41.

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  7. @ lindsay rae- "medium rare curtains" lmao! well-put!

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  8. I used to use one of these, before I had so many kids (now it wont stay in--guess they should make a size C). You get used to it pretty quickly. The problem is when you are in a public restroom. Also, be careful when taking it out---when the cup is full, it really runneth over, & makes a big mess on the floor & everywhere else.
    Really really funny post! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!

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  9. Fucking Epic, just FUCKING EPIC!

    There was much wailing and rending of garments in my house when I learned of the demise of the OB Ultra. As I REFUSE to use any other brand, I am now rushing to the ladies room like clockwork to make sure I am not ruining yet another pair of knickers, let alone another pair of jeans. But a Diva Cup? OH HELLS NO. I would spend every minute worrying that the 'cup overfloweth' and can you imagine the mess? OK, don't imagine...my mental picture is not very pretty.

    Thank you, TK, for bringing me out of lurk-dom with this fracking hilarious post! LONG LIVE THE OB!

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  10. ROFLMAO!
    Funniest post, TK! Nice way to start the new year!

    No cup for me thankyouverymuch. It kinda frightens me a bit. That review was awesome! Just classic. Would love to read her reviews for other products! God, imagine her reviewing one of the Twilight films?!!

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  11. I use the diva cup and I do get the complaints BUT!!! . . . get the fuck over it b/c not spending majay bucks on tampons every month and NOT FUCKING LEAKING is sooooo worth it! You just have to get used to inserting it, it can be tricky b/c your cervix shifts throughout your cycle. After a few times you get the feel of it and its second nature (it took me about two cycles to really get the hang) Remember the first time you inserted a tampon were you like "ooh wow this is sooo natural to me!! WEEEE!!!!" NO you were not!!! And if you are squemish about putting your fingers in your vag then I don't know why the fuck you are on this blog in the first place! Its worth it! Go divacup x2000!!!

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  12. HMFF...I am soooo glad that this part of my life is over...to contemplate the choice is perposterous..I can't even..I have no words..I need to go back and read more about this..TK,I soooo wished I lived close to you as I'm sure..you would keep me laughing my fool ass off. You slay me..Thanks for sharing your most personal of stories..you rock..

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  13. @ mollie- settle the fuck down. we are all entitled to our opinions. and there is no rule that says you can't be squeamish about fondling your meat curtains to be a fan of twilight, or the awesomeness that is twitarded. give me a sparkle peen to shove up there any day, but a cup? personally, that's a no for me.

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  14. Thanks TK for bringing this public service announcement to our attention. I have never even heard of this cup thingy. This surprises me because working in Urgent Care I've had to fish stray items out of vaginas (don't ask) but never this one. Since my last kid was 10 pounds at birth, I don't think a B would suffice for my gaping vag. I lost a Nuvaring and didn't know it. Since I'm done having kids and I was having my period all the fucking time I decided to have Novasure endometrial ablation last April. I haven't had a period since! It's been so freeing and a big plus for my sex life. I can buy pretty panties with the money I save not buying feminine products. You can google it.

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  15. LOL @Fragile!!!

    I've used Instead for a few years now. First, you can buy them in the grocery store and second, I was leery about using the same cup year after year like you do with the Diva Cup.

    Now that I've been using a cup for a few years, I've come to realize that tampons were invented by the devil.... No. I mean it. They are seriously evil. That nasty, brown, sticky, gooey stuff that you get when you wear a tampon too long, yeah that can't be healthy for a delicate cooter. You don't get that nastiness when you wear a cup.

    SWITCH. Do it naow.

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  16. LOL!! Now THAT is a good review.
    btw, I might have synced up with you twitards too.

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  17. I have tried Instead, kinda like a backwards condom. I couldn't do it! I just kept imagining myself walking thru work and it falling out of my pant leg.

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  18. OMG this was the funniest post ever!!! Well done TK.

    I'm so glad I'm on the Mirena and don't have a period anymore. Not so sure I could try the cup?!?!

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  19. I <3 my DC!!
    bonus, it totally grosses out some of my friends ;)

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  20. I had a college professor recommend that product during a lecture in a child development class, much to the delight of the male students that were in the class (poor bastards). IDK i'd be freaked that it would disappear. I only use tampax tampons, once I find a product I like I use it until they stop selling it. I don't think I will be making that switch any times soon. I don't want to 'wash' anything out just uggggghhhh sooo gross and god forbid spillage, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    That was the best product review I have ever read.. i'm not quite sure what she was trying to accomplish; getting people to try it or making them run for the hills. I will be hiding behind that hill over there *points far off in the distance*

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  21. so this post had me in tears! LMAO tears! i feel bad for all the ladies dealing with this shit. i've gotten an iud right after i have my kiddos but it has been not only a great birth control device but also basically gets rid of the periods. i get 2 or 3 days a month of a tiny bit of "lady stuff" but thats it. i'd suggest an iud to anyone who really fucking hates having periods. the only thing you have to deal with is how short to trim the strings so your husband/boyfriend/lover/ doesnt have to feel it....if your lucky they'll have to trim it a lot:)

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  22. OMG thank Jeebus I no longer have a period.

    Tears.

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  23. @TK... I think you wrote that under a pseudonym. It sounds just like you.

    I've thought about the cup, but having to deal with spillage is just beyond me. Of course I had a similarly scary moment last month one of my tampons got stuck on the slant of the toilet bowl even after flushing and I had a spur-of-the-moment "birds and bees" discussion with my 9 year old when she found it.

    I think it was OB that used to have the ones on the lollipop sticks (yes serious... the stick was just like a lollipop stick) that were just fabulous, but they discontinued them years and years ago and I haven't seen them since.

    I finally found the ones with no applicators, but I also found the ones at Wild Oats/Henry's and/or Whole Foods. There are two brands (the one in my medicine cabinet is Natra-care) and I always choose the cheaper of the two or whichever is on sale. The cotton is organic and not bleached with chlorine. Hey.... that stuff is intimately touching my insides for almost 25% of my life so I like to take precautions.

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  24. @Fragile Little Human - LMFAO over the large pads comment. I use tampons, but at almost 49 years of age, I should be done with that shit sooner rather than later. Fuckin' A!! (the DC sounds totally gross)

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  25. @Lila - I use Natracare, too. *high-five with non-dominant hand*
    @TK - I'm with whoever suggested you wrote that under a pseudonym. Hi-larious! I was losing it laughing so hard at that review, my husband kept glancing over at me, but knows better than to ask by this point. LMAO

    I don't know about a cup - how would you deal with it during the work day? Don't I have logistics enough to worry about as it is?

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  26. OMG...first and foremost as I say over and over...TK, you kill me..dead.

    Second, that review is priceless. She has to be a closet Twitard...or should become one. Classic!

    I prefer pads. Am I totally weird? I feel like tampons "stop me up"...I mean I wear them towards the tail end of my period, but in the beginning I feel like they make my cramps worse.

    xo J

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  27. Ok...no fucking fair...I am PMS'ing and now pissing myself at the same time. This.Was.Hysterical!!! I was laughing so hard I couldn't see straight. Reminded me a bit of my "Sponge" days and diaphragm days...I am convinced that the term spelunking was really meant for these types of endeavors. Jesus, what we women have to endure!!

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  28. Best product review ever! Perfect hilarious/disgusting combo!

    Yay for synced up twitards but excuse me while I go change my pad, yes PAD, and wash my hands multiple times.

    @Fragile "the blood is not meant to stay in." <-- yes! Thank you!

    @TwiredJen Not weird at all :)

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  29. Holy cow I'm LMAO. I hate those things. Has anyone ever tried using these things in an office washroom? After you put it in or yank it out your hand is covered in blood. Imagine walking out of your stall like that. Don't forget you have to do up your jeans with your one clean hand. Ugh!
    Always pads all the way.

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  30. It's 5:30 where I am reading this and I laughed so loud my DH wants to know what is so funny! When I told him something on Twitarded he wanted to know what it was about (I do occasionally read him some of the posts).

    I told him this is simply one of the things that he should just pretend I never mentioned on this one.


    Laughed my ass off on this one! Thanks TK. Needed the great Monday morning laugh!

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  31. Oh god, that was hysterical. What a way to start the day.

    "DO NOT PANIC. Well, thank god for that, because I was already running through the list of people I'd trust with a flashlight, a set of forceps, and an experience that would scar both of us for the rest of our lives". LMAO.

    I had never heard of this device, it sounds positively revolting. Periods are so gross anyway, but wow, having to fish a bloody cup out of your hoohaa is just eeewww.

    I tried Seasonique, that pill that was SUPPOSED to give you 1 period every 4 months. 2 months in, I'm packing for a 2 week camping trip in the mountains of Colorado and guess who comes to visit....damned aunt flo. I had a heavy 3 WEEK period on that shit. Needless to say I quit that shit.

    Face it, there just is no good way to deal with that. I'm actually looking forward to menopause just to get rid of the migraines and the periods that always show up at the most inconvenient times.

    I'm certain that the reviewer of the cup, "Ben Dover" is a Twitard because that name is the therapist in the fan fic "Family therapy Cullen Style". I'll have to go back thru my favs list to see who wrote that, I may have the title a little skewed but that is the gist of it. It was pretty funny.

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  32. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3883938/1/bFamily_b_bTherapy_b_Cullen_Style

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  33. I fucking hate tampons. Leaky motherfuckers. No fucking way I'll be going near a DC.

    I've always been a pad kinda gal. But my hooha disagreed. Apparently being trapped up against plastic/chemical shit that could absorb the entire contents of a small lake did not agree with its delicate skin. So, I've use fabric pads for the past 3 years.

    Yep, they're bigger, but they are fairly thin and fit better. No they don't leak right through. No they don't move around (even though they haven't got 'wings'). I change them every 3-4 hours when things are uber heavy. Now, they don't wick away moisture completely, so when it's time to change them they do feel wet, but that just means I need to get to a bathroom. My hooha is much happier against flannel and fleece than plastic. I let them sit in a vented container until the heaviest is past and toss 'em in the washing machine and let 'em air dry.

    *goes of to eat some crunchy granola*

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  34. @Brenkden - Amen sister! Mirena RULES! I have had it going on three years and in those three years, I have had enough "spotting" episodes to count on one hand. And by spotting, I mean one little wipe of "ick" and then it's gone for months at a time. The best part is being able to get jiggy with the hubs whenever, wherever!

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  35. @ Cullenary Curser- have you ever tired the cloth pads with a stay dry topper? Those feel much better.

    I don't understand why people are emptying their DC in public! LOL I could not imagine even tying to attempt that. I guess I don't bleed that heavy but I only empty it in the morning, sometime late afternoon/early evening, and right before bed. Its never totally full and I don't ever have spillage. As far as it falling out, there is no way in hell it could. It is so suctioned in there that you cant even pull it out w/out breaking the suction.

    Reading these comments is SO funny! They keep true to the saying "different strokes for different folks" LOL

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  36. Oh Ben Dover..."delicate rose of delight.."
    I'm sooo using that:)

    Ah, the wonder that is being a woman. Will it ever cease?

    Thanks for the laughs girls...and Twitarded didn't make it on the map because of poop posts, you made it on the map cause you all are wicked AWE-some:)

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  37. Holyhell, she had me at 'pan drippings'!! LOL Are you sure one of you didn't write this?!?

    I didn't know I lived under a rock but apparently I do because I have never even heard of such a thing. But I will have to go with a 'hells no'. Even tampons give me the willies (thanks for the horror stories, mom). But being on the pill, mine's pretty much non-existent so slap on a pantyliner and I'm good to go.

    Happy New Year Twitarded!

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  38. HOLY HELL! I thought I was alone in my preference for the pad. Well hello to all my maxi sisters! This Diva Cup makes me want to fucking vomit. Seriously. I was peeing at work today thinking about walking out of the stall like a serial killer covered in blood. Gross.

    TK, you just kill me.

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  39. Thats why I cant find the Ultras anymore? Geesh. Im going to write a letter of complaint to the company right after I post here.
    I have been OB since I was young after an horrible incident with a playtex that scarred me. Lets just say it "bloomed" and I thought I was gonna die.

    As for the Diva, Um, Wow. Sounds like fun Ya'll. Im not sure I would want to deal with all that,
    though Mr. TK36 might like the results. Besides, I could use my tampon monies for the trip to FFFFFOOOOOOORRRRRRRKKKKKKKKSSSSSS!!!

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  40. I love mine and I wouldn't give it up for the world. BTW, there are a bunch of different folding options. The "punchdown" works really well for me.

    I know there's a learning curve, but give it a couple of cycles. Trust me, you'll never ever want anything else. They are awesome.

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  41. I must say, I'm surprised at how many pro-pad ladies are out there! I loathe maxi-pads - they make me waddle. I'm a tampon girl, though I totally admit that at least once a month (ie- the whole time my life-blood is trickling out of my vagina) I'm paranoid I'm going to lose one up there. I'm not saying my love tunnel is huge or anything but... I do panic occasionally that one may have decided to delve even further into my twat.

    @Hermia - I'm sorry but I laughed so hard at your comment. I don't think I ever want to perform something nicknamed "punchdown" anywhere near my hoo-ha.

    I have a friend who swears by whatever version of "diva" cup she uses. As long as it works for you, no harm, no foul. :)

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  42. I would rather spend a day with my MIL... and that's saying something, yo. I mean, you rinse that bitch off in the sink? The same said sink you drop your toothbrush in? Uhhh no. Fucking hell, no.

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  43. I want my Ultras back or like Dangrdafne, I might go back on the pill... If I never left the house I might give the Diva Cup a go but the idea of tinkering with that thing in the restroom at work (or anywhere else) squicks me out. And I KNOW I would make a huge mess out of things. With 100% certainty. Just my luck.

    P.S. If you see them on the shelves, buy them! Then Myg and I can fight over who gets them...

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  44. I tried a Diva-like cup many, many years ago. Let's just say when removed I created a scene in my bathroom that resembled a murder/crime scene. I have never looked back.

    Nice post TK. I actually own the same gloves in that purse contents photo...they are from the Olympics in Canada....that is not my purse contents though. I swear.

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  45. OMG that was so funny! And I love how the picture has HBC Olympic mittens, Life Brand kleenex and a Canadian 10$ bill! yeah Canada!! :)

    I admit to alternating between pads and tampons, depending on the situation. Usually pads win out though; I prefer on one thing in my hooha ;)

    thanks for the laugh!

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  46. OH WHAT THE FUCK. I just got my fucking period.

    I know who to thank.

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  47. @Lindsay Rae - Dude, I'm right on the verge. ! I'm a raging ball of murderous PMS right now. No living mammal is safe in my path this evening. The hubs and the dog are giving me a wide berth as is probably smart.

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  48. Hilarious!!Had me cryin! There is NO WAY I could deal with dispensing that. The tampon and pad are bad enough!

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  49. I (a male) found one of those in Whole Foods a couple years ago and was totally confused with how a woman could actually be that hippie to wear one. I can understand all sorts of stuff going in and out of a woman's "innermost femininity," but washing it out. Yeah, screw that. This still goes up with reusable, hemp tampons (they do exist, don't believe me, Google it).

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  50. OK. That was forking hilarious and gross as hell both at the same time!

    I used something like this back in the eighties - once! It was not promoted as re-useable - meant to be thrown away, but ooo ick! Where are you gonna throw that? And it couldn't be flushed. It was stuck to me like a Hoover and when I finally got it out, it was pretty gross - all over the bathroom! So, I never struggled to insert one again.

    (I don't get the "click" part. What's there to click? Mine was all silicone with no moving parts!)

    So, bbs, don't be so anxious for the change. Once you think it's over . . . shit! It's like a "grown-up" child - it ALWAYS comes back!

    After six months of non-stop flooding, I had the endometrial ablation and I haven't seen a drop since. If you're done having kids, go for it. I haven't heard a single complaint from anyone who has had it done.

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  51. Fuck me sideways this is one of the funniest posts/comment streams in ages!

    I'm sure we're all in sync - twitter seems awash with 'bitch from hell' 'hormonal motherfucker' type comments of late...

    I'm a tampon girl all the way, but am cup-curious... jsyk.

    Oh, and applicators vs non-applicators? Totally applicators. You know when you're just used to something, you don't wanna change? Mmmhmmm.

    I'm super pissed at my local supermarket right now, they only sell my brand of tampons in super-plus. Hello? One size does not fit all, people! Bet the stock orders are placed by a man. Stupid prick.

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  52. Frickin hilarious TK! I'm not sure you could even pay me to try that out. Yeah it would be nice to have something that doesn't run out in the middle of your cycle forcing you back to the store but I have an image of me trying to remove that thing and having some kind of Indiana Jones type tidalwave happen everywhere O.o What if your emptying it when your out of the house and it spills on your pants?!
    Nope,I'll stick with tampons. I find pads..well..messy.
    Great,now when I go to the bathroom I'll be humming the theme to Indiana Jones in my head.

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  53. I LOL and LOL at the purse dump. I stashed tampons fucking everywhere from age 12 on.

    You know those little plastic tampon containers? (nod, someone). I had one in my HS band uniform pocket. (shut the sniggers). At the end of the season,when I turned in my uniform,male teacher checks in said uniform.Hands me my tampon container, b/c naturally, I had left it in the pocket.

    Died.of.Embarrassment. Back in the 70s, women didn't have periods. Or at least NO ONE TALKED ABOUT IT.

    I have many, many, that-time-of-the-month stories. Relax. I am not in a sharing mood.

    Had an early hysterectomy. Best decision I EVER made, except for reading a battered paperback from the libray around 18 months ago.

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  54. Why couldn't we have been given warning that OB's were going to be discontinued? I would have hoarded them -- they'd be fighting for space under the bed with the dust rats. Sigh... I have 2 left. Twooooo!!!!

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  55. OMG! What an effin' hilarious post @TK

    I've seen those cups on sale here the UK, but I swear you would NEVER EVER get my trying one. Yeeeuuuwww! Just not my thing. If there's any flipping about between my flaps to be done, I'd rather leave that to the hubs ;-)

    Anyhoo, I doubt the B size would suffice. My periods are so damn heavy these days that I have to double up with tampons and pads for the first three days or so - the tampons are 'Super Plus Extra', which I guess must equate to the OB Ultra, and the pads are 'Night Time' ones which I guess must mean that they are capable of wicking away every drop of moisture possible. Can't say my delicate ladyparts thank me for the (dis)pleasure, but what's a gal to do? I can't just stay at home for 5 days every month...

    Thanks for another awesome post ladies. God. I FLURVE Twitarded!

    CC x

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  56. Okay, I know I am ten years late to this in internet time, but holy fucking hell, I just peed my pants. No really, I just changed.

    I am also astonished at the number of pad lovers! Having gotten my period at age 10, I got tired of those mothafuckas FAST. I had to wear overalls, or else I felt like I was wearing a diaper! The benefit was that while all the other girls were grumpily sitting on the side of the pool, unwilling to use tampons, I was an old pro and frolicking with the boys in the water! Not THAT kind of frolicking...

    Anyways, I adore Seasonique, because Shark Week only comes once every three months! ...and it starts again tomorrow.

    fuuuuccckkkkkk

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  57. Are you sure one of the Twitarded crew didn't write that review??? It sounds so like a Twitard :)

    I went back to the pill because I couldn't stand feeling like I was in high school all over again at the age of 41.

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  58. I have been using a diva cup for 2 years. If you are set on using it than discard all those "directions" and do what works for you. It took me 4 cycles to learn how to use it right and now I can put in in and take it out w/out a second though. When taking it out I have never had to use the stem(I actually ended up cutting it off) and I have NEVER ever, ever been able to turn it. Once its lodged, its lodged and besides, who wants to go digging around in there to try and turn it??? Anyway, at 1st I though it was gross and bizarre now I think its funny. You have a cup. in your who-ha. swishing gunk around while your walking. swish, swish, swish... Totally gross but I find it oddly humorous.

    oh and once you get used to it you will probably never be able to use a tampon again. they feel so gross

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  59. Oh god, that was hysterical. What a way to start the day.

    "DO NOT PANIC. Well, thank god for that, because I was already running through the list of people I'd trust with a flashlight, a set of forceps, and an experience that would scar both of us for the rest of our lives". LMAO.

    I had never heard of this device, it sounds positively revolting. Periods are so gross anyway, but wow, having to fish a bloody cup out of your hoohaa is just eeewww.

    I tried Seasonique, that pill that was SUPPOSED to give you 1 period every 4 months. 2 months in, I'm packing for a 2 week camping trip in the mountains of Colorado and guess who comes to visit....damned aunt flo. I had a heavy 3 WEEK period on that shit. Needless to say I quit that shit.

    Face it, there just is no good way to deal with that. I'm actually looking forward to menopause just to get rid of the migraines and the periods that always show up at the most inconvenient times.

    I'm certain that the reviewer of the cup, "Ben Dover" is a Twitard because that name is the therapist in the fan fic "Family therapy Cullen Style". I'll have to go back thru my favs list to see who wrote that, I may have the title a little skewed but that is the gist of it. It was pretty funny.

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  60. Thanks TK for bringing this public service announcement to our attention. I have never even heard of this cup thingy. This surprises me because working in Urgent Care I've had to fish stray items out of vaginas (don't ask) but never this one. Since my last kid was 10 pounds at birth, I don't think a B would suffice for my gaping vag. I lost a Nuvaring and didn't know it. Since I'm done having kids and I was having my period all the fucking time I decided to have Novasure endometrial ablation last April. I haven't had a period since! It's been so freeing and a big plus for my sex life. I can buy pretty panties with the money I save not buying feminine products. You can google it.

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  61. I use the diva cup and I do get the complaints BUT!!! . . . get the fuck over it b/c not spending majay bucks on tampons every month and NOT FUCKING LEAKING is sooooo worth it! You just have to get used to inserting it, it can be tricky b/c your cervix shifts throughout your cycle. After a few times you get the feel of it and its second nature (it took me about two cycles to really get the hang) Remember the first time you inserted a tampon were you like "ooh wow this is sooo natural to me!! WEEEE!!!!" NO you were not!!! And if you are squemish about putting your fingers in your vag then I don't know why the fuck you are on this blog in the first place! Its worth it! Go divacup x2000!!!

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