Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Oh Etsy... Crafty Twilight Merch FTW!

Things were a little slow at the office today (thank goodness, since I haven't really fully recovered from the holidays yet) and I was tired of scrolling through my usual go-to time-waster sites but still had a little time to kill, so I wandered over to Etsy to see what the crafty people of the world are creating for Twilight fans these days. As usual, for better or for worse, they didn't disappoint. I was entertained more than I could have possibly anticipated during those last moments of the workday, and I thought I would pay it forward and give you all something to burn time at the office, too (or domestic place of toil, if that's the case).

I came across this first one and it kind of just stopped me in my tracks...That's right: it's the Twilight Vampire Nipple Tassel Kit! Now you can twirl your bedazzled tatas just like Bella did for Edward on their honeymoon! Better get these now before they movie comes out, because everyone is going to want to get in on that act once they get a load of that number. What, you forgot about the room with stripper pole? Did you even read Breaking Dawn? Sheesh...how quickly they forget...

This next one would normally fall into the category of "shit that is so far off-base Twilight-wise that it pisses me off" but honestly the item description (below) is so damn charming that I loved it a teeny little bit... I feel a pressing need to convert this person to the Twi-side, actually.

Edward Cullen the Sock Zombie Puppet wants to eat your sock brains!

I’m going to be very upfront about something here: I haven’t read the Twilight books and I haven’t seen the Twilight movie. I can’t, really, because everyone I know who’s read them becomes immediately enraptured and enthralled and infatuated (you know it’s true) and unfortunately my mental obsession portfolio is still full of all the V C Andrews I read in high school. When it comes to avant-garde romantic fiction, I’m at max capacity.

But I can still appreciate a good unconventional hero. Allow me to introduce Edward Cullen the Sock Zombie Puppet.

How do you make America’s sexiest protagonist even sexier? Well, you make him even more dangerous, obviously! I mean, if being a vampire is hot, then being a vampire AND a zombie is infinitely hotter. Now there are THREE ways Edward Cullen can kill you: 1) drink your blood, 2) eat your brains, and 3) overwhelm you with sexual tension.

Much like the actual Edward Cullen, Edward the Sock Zombie Puppet can’t be bothered to worry much about his madcap bronze hair—he’s much too busy valiantly fighting baser urges and falling profoundly in love. His eyes are the golden color of the sated so your blood (and brains) are temporarily safe. Edward’s trademark pea coat is handmade from wool felt and is conveniently sleeveless so your thumb and pinky can get down to business.

His outfit is completely removable, meaning you can gaze at him naked to your heart’s content. Which you’ll want to do outside, obviously, since Edward the Sock Zombie Puppet sparkles in the sunlight.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some Flowers in the Attic fan-fic that needs editing.
OK, she REALLY needs to read Twilight. One of us...one of us... Moving on!

Lots of people make one-of-a-kind Cullen dolls - but how many Cullen family rubber ducky sets have you seen out there? None, right? Me too--until today!

If I still had a huge collection of kitchy stuff laying around, I would totally buy these. The details - like Bella's dress and the necklaces on Ducky Alice and Ducky Rose? Full of win!

Twitarded doesn't currently have an address (the UPS Store box that we had been using is no more, so please don't send anything there!), but when we sort that out, I think we need to get these address labels -


Speaking of stuff that I saw that I really liked...

Scrabble tiles are everywhere on Etsy - someone figured out how to shellac stuff to the back of a Scrabble tile, and the world hasn't been the same since... I'm ok with that, because I kinda would wear this one. Under my shirt, nestled in my cleavage where Fifty Shades belongs -

Yeah I'm a lip biter - so what are you gonna do about it?! Oh. Oh! OOOOOOOOO!

I'm not sure I need dozens of Scrabble-tile necklaces, but I would add this one to the mix in a Twilighty second!

Maybe we can use these to find our way in 2011? Hmmm...

It's also possible that I found Jenny Jerkface's...Valentine's Day present today! We don't normally exchange sweetheart gifts, but I might have to make an exception this year...

Macbook sticker!

Well, it's between that and this -

This is four feet tall - wheeeeeee!!!!

JJ and ML just painted their bedroom recently, and this would make a nice addition to the decor, I think. Maybe strategically placed so that Edward is staring RIGHT. AT. ML. Constantly. I think ML has gotten too comfortable with the ahhhh-mie of Edward standees at their place, and this should smack the fear of Twilight right back into him.

And of course, no stroll through Etsy would be complete without a little M-rated Sparkle-Peen action! I actually found these gems over at Rob's Closet -

Who needs an extra charm on their Twilight bracelet???


Oh you ladies are SO lucky that I didn't find this before the Christmas trees came down...

49 comments:

  1. OMFG those penis charms are classic. I wish I could quit my job and get paid for buying twilight merch.

    Damn.

    J

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  2. Holy Shit!!!! I want those Rubber DUckies!!!! And the MOTU necklance ;) i would totally wear it and it would be mine and fellow fanficsters little secret!

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  3. Hahahah! I love the peen with the realistic looking balls, hilarious! :)That Mac thingie is kinda cool! I definitely think JJ deserves it. I sorta like the map necklace, cause it's dorky, and well, so am I. :)

    ....and for reallies, I might order the boobie tassels....the hubs wouldn't even notice what was on them! ;)

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  4. I NEED that mac book sticker!!! MUST! HAVE! P.S- My birthday is exactly one month from today. ;)

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  5. Holy crap I want those duckies!! My daisy one's looking awful lonely...

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  6. The sparkly peen charm fuckin kills me! LMFAO!!
    It is obvious that some people have way too much free time & have let their twi-session go overboard. *phone rings* Me: Hello?...No, theres no kettle here, sorry you must have the wrong number.*hangs up phone* Sorry, what was I saying...hey, wait a minute.

    @jaymes805- girlie, ur gonna have to stop dropping hints about what u want for your bday, cuz now there are too many options.

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  7. The woman who created the sock zombie should just cave and read the damn books already. Then she should read Twitarded because she would totally get it.

    I want the MotU tile badly but the duckies are just weird (except for Alice & Rose who look surprisingly accurate).

    @STY This quote excites me sfm. "Maybe we can use these to find our way in 2011? Hmmm..."

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  8. I love the rubber duckies & the 4 ft tall Edward thingie...

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  9. I want the duckies too! Those are hysterical!

    The sock puppet vampire zombieward description is awesome. I think she needs some Etsy message spam to bring her to our dark side.

    The Mac computer sticker is just pure brilliance....I don't think it would work as well with my Dell emblem.

    The tata things...I have no words...except for how do they stay on?

    I love doing the Etsy search from time to time. Good clean fun.

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  10. I somehow missed the pole action in BD the eleventy million times iread it, must look again. (could you I imagine edward's reaction? ha)

    Sparkle sockward is a win, duckward not so much. Looks like he sporting a fro.

    Apple sticker is something that would actually purchase, as well as the MoTU necklace although I could think of a few other phrases I'd rather be tucking into the rack. Love those vibrant green eyes.

    As for the charms and what not, it would be awesome to see the reaction of people..."0h your charm sparkles, is that a....ohmygod!

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  11. Most of those are cute, esp the duckies! But I just don't get why anyone would want twilighty nipple tassles or p33n charms/ornaments, unless it's a joke.

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  12. You guys are hilarious.

    Thanks for including my Edward zombie in your rampage; I totally need to update his description because I've since read ALL the books and can honestly claim to be on "your" side now.

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  13. Love Zombie Sockward!! This notepad isn't from Etsy but I figured I'd share it with you all! I would totally buy it if I wasn't low on funds.

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  14. I think this might be the perfect anytime gift for JJ...

    http://www.etsy.com/listing/54835476/embroidered-toilet-paper-twilight

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  15. I puffy heart Etsy. So many cool and unique things (some I need... most I don't but can't help myself). I have searched for Twilight things on there but someone missed all this! The sock puppet cracks me up (nice work, @Erin!)

    Oh, so this lovely little gem was on my Twilight Google alerts this morning. And I call myself a fan.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1344355/Twilight-fan-49-gets-Robert-Pattinson-Kristen-Stewart-inked-WHOLE-back.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

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  16. p.s. @AJCarey258 I have that pad, love it. I wanted to buy some for friends but you're right, a bit pricey so I tore off a few sheets to share, LOL. Treat yourself when you can :)

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  17. I actually wanted a Mac book cover like that but didn't like the one I did find. I LOVE that one. I wonder how many they have in stock!! Thanks for the idea! Off to search etsy...

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  18. @Jacksonstat I might have to splurge and buy it for myself for my birthday next month! :-D

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  19. HOLYCRACKSMOKINGGOATSUCKERS!!! That sock puppet is the bomb! LOL!

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  20. OH! And I think I am totally going to get those address labels! Thanks STY!

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  21. Oh no Snarky. I believe it is Mr Snarky that is lucky, not us Twitards. By the way my package arrived safe, and sound. My husband wants me to wait until he gets home to break it out so to speak. He loves toys and wants to play, too.

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  22. @VitaminR70 - they come with double-sided tape (ow).

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  23. @Erin - YES! lol!! this makes me very happy... it was probably time that the "flowers in the attic" thing had a little friendly competition, anyway (btw - been there, done that, might still have my tattered copies laying around somewhere...). i love your sock zombie - i think we may need one for the next FOOORRRKKS!!! pilgrimage (it's coming, people - it's coming...).

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  24. The zombie is awesome, as are the duckies.

    I actually kind of want everything. Including the penis charms...

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  25. @leidyinca - woo! glad the goods made it there safe - i have already heard good things from the field regarding contents of said GBoD.

    :)

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  26. That sock puppet is the fucking ballz! I want one and I'm so glad that Erin has finally come to the dark side. Welcome... we have candy.

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  27. Oh yeah @Erin...

    If you're really naughty they'll give you penis shaped chocolate pops. LOL!!

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  28. The sock puppet is adorable! I would totally wear the penis charm. Wonder where my old charm bracelet is?

    And speaking of GBoD, I'm enjoying mine - oh yeah! Thanks again!

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  29. @Erin: welcome to the dark side. We have sex toys.

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  30. @Snarkier-- I will happily supply you with your own Edward Sock Zombie for your next Forks pilgrimage; email me and we'll work out the mailing details.

    Thanks to everyone for the warm welcome. All these promises of toys and candy make me a little nervous, but at least it's a familiar kind of nervous.

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  32. Oh man, I want the lip biter charm! I have been looking for it all day and can't find it. What shop is it at or what did you type in to find it? I must have it!

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  33. Hey STY!!! I'm kinda late to the comment party on this one, but just wanted to tell you about a funny website www.regretsy.com that showcases some of the best of the worst or the worst of the best or something like that.
    XOXO Sue

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  34. @firestarter - i think i just searched by "cullen" and then did a lot of page-scrolling... : )

    @Twilove1_sue - i LOVE regretsy! wish i had thought of it, given the infinite fodder - lol...

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  35. I know I've been MIA for approx one zillion years - but I had to comment on the detail in that last sparkle scrotum.

    .... is it a BRAIN?!

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  36. Additionally, can someone please explain to me what on earth one does with boobie tassels? @All Twied Up? I get that there's double sided tape (owww) but... like... what do you DO once they're on? Are they just... decorative?

    Signed,
    Pimpy, unexperienced in the realm of boobie tassels. PS, Erin, welcome, and I think "makes me nervous" is the usual reaction when one is first introduced to the Twitarded community... that's how we know we're doing it right!

    Does the Edward Cullen sock puppet come with a sock penis, a la the charms below?

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  37. @Erin - I would LOVE an Edward Sock Zombie! It's the hot new accessory for 2011, I hear. Or at least it should be! I will email you this weekend - thank you!!

    : )

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  38. I may have found the lovely person that created the "I'm a lip biter" MotU tile. I'm emailing them to find out if I can get my hands on two of them! I'll let you know if I have any success!

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  39. @STY Thanks I'm gonna try that. :)

    @Kelekia cool let me know what they say ^_^

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  40. @firestarter- I just ordered my MotU items! Wooo Hooo! Her shop name is "Just Two Olives". I had to email because it wasn't pictured in her store.

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  41. Thank you so much for adding my MotU necklace. Here is the link for anyone who is interested. I also do custom orders so just convo me.

    http://www.etsy.com/listing/53214617/scrabble-tile-pendant-motu

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  42. Thanks Kelekia for taking the time to track me down and sharing with everybody. I really appreciate it.

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  43. @Kelekia- Thank you! At my bros. this weekend, will try their shop when I get home. :)

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  44. @Kelekia- Thank you! At my bros. this weekend, will try their shop when I get home. :)

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  45. @firestarter- I just ordered my MotU items! Wooo Hooo! Her shop name is "Just Two Olives". I had to email because it wasn't pictured in her store.

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  46. The zombie is awesome, as are the duckies.

    I actually kind of want everything. Including the penis charms...

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  47. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

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