Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Panties Strike Back. Not Exactly.

As most of us know, the internet can sometimes feel less like the happy sandbox in a schoolyard playground and more like the courtyard in a maximum security prison. It's a place that just seems to breed pure, unapologetic assholery. Thanks to anonymity and the lack of I can punch the shit out of your face to face communication, the interwebs is a place where someone can flounce into a chat room or forum or comment section on a post, flail their arms and scream "Oh em gee, you're all stupid assholes who are just stupid assholes and you suck and I'm better than you. NANANANER!!!!" and then they race off to take a shit on some other website purely for the sake of shitting.

One minute you're asking advice on what conditioner to use for brittle hair and the next someone is accusing you of giving the devil anal because you use Breck instead of Pantene.

Most people refer to these obnoxious parasites as trolls or flamers. I call them stupid ass-face-shitting-cock-gobblers.

I love those types of people, because I love fucking with them, which probably means I'm teetering on the precipice of ass-face shitting myself but whatever.

For some baffling reason, Twitarded very, very rarely encounters this type of douchery, which blows my fucking mind. Here we are, a bunch of 30 and 40+ year old women carrying on about sparkly vampires and a certain British hottie and no one tries to spew vitriol in our comments section. We talk about poop - nothing. Dry humping RPattz - not a peep from the ass-faces. If you think about it, we are practically HANDING people their insults yet... no one comes. We call each other whore and twat and then we laugh and laugh and give each other virtual kisses and no one comes stomping into our playground yelling "YOU'RE ALL STUPID CUMDUMPSTERS!!"


And I know for a fact that one of us is a little disappointed by this. I mean, I don't want to lose my edge or anything. Gotta keep those mental talons sharp, ya know?

Yesterday, however, we received an email from Latchkey Wife entitled "we've become a demotivational poster".

I'll admit it -- I was excited. Frankly, it's about fucking time. So with eager hands I clicked on the link.

THAT'S FUCKING IT?! That's the best you can do, demotivational-poster-person? Honestly, I can't even believe you wasted your time.

I was waiting to be lambasted, maybe even insulted. Instead, I was staring at one of the lamest demotivational posters EVER. Jeezus, I could come up with something better than that in my sleep.

So, with the help of LKW (because she knows how to use photoshop and I can barely wipe my own ass) I came up with a few of my own.

Not very funny? Fine, how about this:

Actually, you know what? I've got an even better idea. Why don't you guys write your own captions in the comments section? Snarky, mean, offensive, whatever you want.

Go to town, bitches. Make us proud.


  1. how about:
    the only way he'll ever get in your pants

  2. Sorry I'm not funny, so I don't have a witty caption to offer. But I don't find anything demotivational about Pattinson Panties. At. All.

    They make me smile and giggle and my mind runs to inappropriate places! That's why I love this place. You twat-waffles get me. You ARE me!

    Big girl-smooches and bewb gropes to you all!

  3. R Pattz. Guarding your private parts since 2010.

    Lame, but I was suffering from posting withdrawal so I had to write something.

    Anyone out there a wizard at whipping out custom WordPress website themes? I may be desperate.

  4. RPatz Panties:
    Keeping men out of our pants since 2008.

    RPatz Panties:
    Try getting a boyfriend now!

    Hey, is this going to turn into a contest or something?

  5. How about... ECSTACY It's not just a pill, it's his lips on yours.

  6. Leakage?
    Vaginal discharge has never looked this good.

    One finger, one thumb, one tongue.

    Depends by Edward Cullen
    Be safe, protected and discrete.

    When you want to come forever.


  7. You have got to be shitting me...after, stupid ass-face-shitting-cock-gobblers and cumdumpsters.....I can't stop laughing enough to breath...I'm so using that shit in a sentence at work tomorrow...I heart you I must empty my bladder somewhere besides my pants

  8. Ooooo one more:

    A bird in the hand is worth Rob in your bush.


  9. BGP's.. with full lip service..
    E.Cullen couter covers..Alabia of love..
    or typical...Underpatz..Robwear
    ok...That's all I got..

  10. Adding Sparkle to your Va jay jay
    without breaking out the bedazzler
    (looking at you Jennifer love Hewitt)

  11. Hmmm....
    I don't know if any of these are funny.

    RPattz panties - your beard on his.

    Forget vajazzling - wear a sparkly vamp instead

    That's all I've got....for now....

  12. first I heard "Clare de lune" at the hair salon and now this?!? I can't handle it!
    I'm not funny enough to come up with anything brilliant, sorry!
    xo love to all!!

  13. OK, here's mine:

    Edward Cullen - he comes between you and your Calvins.

    No? Oh well.

    Homemade Underwear
    The Amish would be so proud

    Eternal Life
    When you can live forever, what underwear do you wear?

    Like Bella in Breaking Dawn, you can finally sit on Edward's face.

    I like that last one. *pats self on back*
    I'm trying to think of one for Breaking Wind... anyone?

    Also, I'm pretty sure the interweb crazies are ascairt of us. That's probably why they steer clear. Just like on public transportation, you just have to act crazier than the crazy guy and everyone leaves you be. :) I love you h00rs!
    @JJ- the period panties one made me snorfle. :)

  14. Look, if you want flamers, I will start posting here. I hardly ever post on my blog and I get them all the time.

    And that really WAS the lamest demotivational poster ever. But alas, I can't seem to do any better right now. Oh, that's bullshit, I can do better without even trying.


  15. Ooooohhhhh my god, JJ, I am dying. It is Shark Week (read: time o' the month) and I laughed so hard my aching ovaries threw a motherfucking fit. You may enjoy them, but I, for one, am SOOOO glad Twitarded is a troll-free zone!

    @laxplays - DYING. DYING. Esp @ "leakage" and "Rob in your bush"

    God, I wish I had something funny and substantial to contribute.

    How about:

    CREEPY PERVS: The genius who created these could be anyone you know....anyone.

    (because seriously, pretty much no one in my RL knows just how Twi-crazy I really am. Suckers.)

    OOh, ooh!

    Slightly less pervy than if it was the underage wolf.

    Nah, I'm just not funny.

    It never looked so good

    What every girl wants on her taco

  17. @Myg, who in the hell would flame you?

    Please point me in the right direction so that I may take those fuckers down. :)

  18. really don't want to get laid, do you?

  19. BWAFAHAHAHAHA!!!! ::clutches sides:: The Period Panties!!! Jesus fucking hamster fucker!

    I do love some of the phrases floating around here...Let's see if I can come up with something...I'll be back.

  20. ooh how about this:
    Coz sometimes you just need a goddamn mouth near your vagina.

  21. How about...

    improper use of this product could cause unplanned Renesmee


  23. OMFG I am fucking crying right now I'm laughing so hard. You ladies kill me!

  24. I'm nearly pissing my pants laughing so hard. All these comments are just fodder for the backside of future panties.

  25. Let me try:

    My Mom went to Forks and all I got were these panties.

    "Santa, I said I want Edward IN my pussy...not ON it."

    Edward Cullen...making the ladies at my gym jealous since 2009.

    Edward panties...the only time I'll put tweed on my pussy.

    Edward Cullen...making Brazilians prettier since Breaking Dawn.

    I'll stop now...

  26. or how about this:

    Coz we have yet to get a picture of his junk.

    @Musing Bella
    its funny coz its true. ;)

  27. OMG! These comments are slaying me.

  28. Oh god that demotivational poster was the worst. They really need to get their ass over here and see what a good poster could look like. All you ladies kill me. I wish I was that creative.

    @Mrs. P-"Edward panties...the only time I'll put tweed on my pussy." LMFAO!!!

  29. LOL!

    How about:
    Because sometimes mountain lion is just too wild

    Rofl! My v/w is 'on vicar'!

  30. LMFAO!!

    Laxplays - I think you win. I could do with Rob in my bush...

    I got nothin to add. Damn shame.

  31. fkn priceless @JJ - 'taking period panties to a whole new level'

    oh yes please @laxplays -'When you want to come forever' my fave

    They're all great...sorry I can't add anything I'm not that witty!

  32. LMAO ladies, you're all hilarious!!!

    New and improved. Now with jawporn.

  33. I have one!

    "Tagging Your Photos: Learn How to Do It, Twitarded!"


  34. laxplays and twilove1_sue - I can't stop laughing

    heck all of you are hilarious!!

    I definitely have nothing for this one, I will just enjoy the comments. LOL!!!!

  35. LMAO at these comments! Okay, I had a bit too much fun with this.

    What I would write if I were a flamer:
    Rock Bottom
    And we thought you couldn't sink any lower.

    Edward Panties
    Probably the most action you'll see this decade.

    You're doing it wrong.

    What I would write as a Pattinson panty loving Twitard:
    ...but get in line. And be prepared to wait a while.

    Ain't Ashamed
    Go on, laugh. That dead guy over there did, too.

  36. I am literally sobbing at my desk and my boss keeps snarling at me but I can't stop laughing.

    You ladies are HILARIOUS. I love the fact that we can make fun of ourselves better than someone who is genuinely appalled by us. That just goes to show how awesome this community is.

    @Musing Bella - That's the only theory we've come up with as well. We're so weird that all the ass-faces are actually afraid of us.

  37. How can people not be afriad? A bunch of average seeming wives who like to drink ooodles, And spin the virtues of the precious and pre-tay. We are a dangerous crowd. Spakle peen and all.

  38. PMSL! OMG - this is the funniest post ever!! I love the fact that these panties seem to never go away!!

    if all it takes is just the image of Rob's face to get you off, imagine the real thing!

  39. OMG...Thank God for posts like these...I literally just had to wipe my eyes..*sighs* my my..
    Very clever girls..

  40. O...M...G... You ladies are so funny!! HOLYCOCKRUBBINGDONKEYFUCKER!!! SO FUNNY!!! I wish I could think of something good. Maybe later on. LOL! Right now I'm just going to keep laughing at my desk. MADE. MY. DAY.

  41. Oh lord, I don't know what's more hilarious - the post or the comments. LMAO! I really needed this today you whores.

    Got nothing on the demotivational poster.

  42. Hmm prob got this one but ..
    Masterbation .. You're doing it wrong !!

    Why use tampons for tea bags ?

    " you"ll always be my Bellalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!"

    " hold on tight Spidermonkey !"

    " no wait no bush burn" nah

    How am I suppose to sleep now I'm going to be thinking about this all freaking day !

  43. Hehe

    Cullen Cooter Covers -
    "Hold on tight Spider Monkey"

    Pattinson Panties -
    "Underoos" for grown women!!!

  44. JFHF! I just gave myself hiccups from laughing so much! I'm wiping tears every freaking comment!!

    While I have my faves, I have been doing my work to think of some "good" ones. Here are my contributions:

    Spontaneous Ovulation
    For those hard-to-conceive days.

    Pea Coats
    You're spelling it wrong.

    RPattz Panties
    You may never fart again.

    7 Years of Bad Luck
    Cuz you're gonna hump every mirror you walk by.

    RPattz Panties
    Does this count as a fire crotch?

    Chastity Belt
    You don't know how long you'll be waiting for him.

    That's all I have so far. GOD DAMN we're hilarious!!!

  45. LMAO! You h00rs are funny! I love you all.

    I think the reason this blog doesn't receive haters is:

    1) We are fully capable of making fun of ourselves

    2) The haters know that once they open that can of worms they will get it back 100-fold - please reference point #1 - shit, they have seen what we say to one another and we like each other.

    So with that - here is my best attempt at making fun of us and the panties:

    Vegetarian Vampire: Do I smell fish?

  46. Straight from the mouth of Rob:

    You think my eyebrows are bushy, you should see my...

  47. Bwahahahahaha!

    @Laxplays--I have a slight tweak to one yours...

    Depends by Edward Cullen
    Be safe, protected and EXcrete.

    Here's one:


    That's all I got today folks.

  48. Burning itch ... Who needs vagicil ?

  49. Way to dangerous to read this at work today! I'm laughing to hard & boss is getting angry.
    All of you h00rs are just to damn clever.

    Final Frontier
    When you have a 107 year old virgin in your pants.

  50. I have a new favorite phrase: stupid ass-face-shitting-cock-gobblers. Love. It.

    My contribution:

    Than Edward Cullen on your vaginer.

  51. Love, love, love

    "You'll always be my Bella-la-la-la-la-la-la"

    I snoforted my coffee on that one :)

    My WV word is dicsi

    While wearing those panties you can tell I have no dicsi?

  52. VitaminR - tweak away ; 0


  53. First picture is his "Why not?"

    Second picture the Ranties "Depends!" made even better with his famous look of horror/disgust and a pic of a fat girl (not volunteering to take one for the team) either wearing them or holding them out as if..

  54. Vampire Panties:

    Suck my wake!

  55. I won't insult myself by trying to write some witty caption in the company of you fine twat-ticklers.

    I will however say this, I think people leave Twitarded alone because we are a group of mentally disturbed people. You all took over the town of Forks, it probably wouldn't surprise people if you also had your own secret police that raided the homes of ass-face-shitting-cock-gobblers and peeled their skin off layer by layer. Just sayin'.

  56. I like these panties... I wish I could get a pair for myself... You need an online twitarded store!

  57. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! You ladies all fucking kill me! I seriously have tears in my eyes! You all made my day. I just can't top any of these so I'll just sit back and enjoy! Keep 'em cumming! LOLOLOLOL!

  58. OMFG, totally laughing my ass off! My 4 year old is sitting on my lap asking every couple minutes, "what's so funny mommy?" *snort*

    My favs are Ellie with Probable cover of your divorce decree; Musing
    Bella with Homemade Underwear and Payoff: Like Bella in BD, you can finally sit on Edward's face. Rule!

    Nothing funny to add from me, but you guys fully rule. And bring on the flamers, we need the extra entertainment and additional opportunities for verbal excercise. ;)

  59. I would just like to say on the record that I DID NOT create this poster. I was just excited that I saw one of my favorite obsessions (you h00rs) on one of my other favorite obsessions (the cheezburger network).

    I can't beat the period panties comment so I'll just bow to your brilliance, JJ.

  60. Ok ladies, I laughed so hard I almost had a asthma attack! You are absolutely intimidating in your wit. Whoever did that poster was an amateur who didn't know with whom they were dealing. Real flamers know they can't even touch the rapier wit of Twitards.

  61. I You h00rs are awesome! That is all.

    vw: cotervio-I know there is a Pattinson panties joke joke in there somewhere.

  62. I'm going to pretend to be a hater for this caption.

    Twilight Panties- where one pussy meets another.

    Edward Undies- taking obsession to a "hole" new level.

  63. I cannot top 'Taking Period Panties to a whole new level'....I'm not worthy!!!

  64. the h00rs here rock. i do think the trolls are skeerd. A Twitarded mob could make some money skeering some menz :)

  65. I defended you!Before you posted this! Did you see me in the comments, didya?

    putting men in their proper place


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