Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Panties Strike Back. Not Exactly.

As most of us know, the internet can sometimes feel less like the happy sandbox in a schoolyard playground and more like the courtyard in a maximum security prison. It's a place that just seems to breed pure, unapologetic assholery. Thanks to anonymity and the lack of I can punch the shit out of your face to face communication, the interwebs is a place where someone can flounce into a chat room or forum or comment section on a post, flail their arms and scream "Oh em gee, you're all stupid assholes who are just stupid assholes and you suck and I'm better than you. NANANANER!!!!" and then they race off to take a shit on some other website purely for the sake of shitting.

One minute you're asking advice on what conditioner to use for brittle hair and the next someone is accusing you of giving the devil anal because you use Breck instead of Pantene.

Most people refer to these obnoxious parasites as trolls or flamers. I call them stupid ass-face-shitting-cock-gobblers.


I love those types of people, because I love fucking with them, which probably means I'm teetering on the precipice of ass-face shitting myself but whatever.

For some baffling reason, Twitarded very, very rarely encounters this type of douchery, which blows my fucking mind. Here we are, a bunch of 30 and 40+ year old women carrying on about sparkly vampires and a certain British hottie and no one tries to spew vitriol in our comments section. We talk about poop - nothing. Dry humping RPattz - not a peep from the ass-faces. If you think about it, we are practically HANDING people their insults yet... no one comes. We call each other whore and twat and then we laugh and laugh and give each other virtual kisses and no one comes stomping into our playground yelling "YOU'RE ALL STUPID CUMDUMPSTERS!!"

Perplexing.

And I know for a fact that one of us is a little disappointed by this. I mean, I don't want to lose my edge or anything. Gotta keep those mental talons sharp, ya know?

Yesterday, however, we received an email from Latchkey Wife entitled "we've become a demotivational poster".

I'll admit it -- I was excited. Frankly, it's about fucking time. So with eager hands I clicked on the link.


THAT'S FUCKING IT?! That's the best you can do, demotivational-poster-person? Honestly, I can't even believe you wasted your time.

I was waiting to be lambasted, maybe even insulted. Instead, I was staring at one of the lamest demotivational posters EVER. Jeezus, I could come up with something better than that in my sleep.

So, with the help of LKW (because she knows how to use photoshop and I can barely wipe my own ass) I came up with a few of my own.


Not very funny? Fine, how about this:


Actually, you know what? I've got an even better idea. Why don't you guys write your own captions in the comments section? Snarky, mean, offensive, whatever you want.

Go to town, bitches. Make us proud.

69 comments:

  1. how about:
    DESPERATION
    the only way he'll ever get in your pants

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry I'm not funny, so I don't have a witty caption to offer. But I don't find anything demotivational about Pattinson Panties. At. All.

    They make me smile and giggle and my mind runs to inappropriate places! That's why I love this place. You twat-waffles get me. You ARE me!

    Big girl-smooches and bewb gropes to you all!

    ReplyDelete
  3. R Pattz. Guarding your private parts since 2010.

    Lame, but I was suffering from posting withdrawal so I had to write something.

    Anyone out there a wizard at whipping out custom WordPress website themes? I may be desperate.

    ReplyDelete
  4. RPatz Panties:
    Keeping men out of our pants since 2008.

    RPatz Panties:
    Try getting a boyfriend now!

    Hey, is this going to turn into a contest or something?

    ReplyDelete
  5. How about... ECSTACY It's not just a pill, it's his lips on yours.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Leakage?
    Vaginal discharge has never looked this good.

    Threesome?
    One finger, one thumb, one tongue.

    Depends by Edward Cullen
    Be safe, protected and discrete.

    Satisfaction
    When you want to come forever.

    X

    ReplyDelete
  7. You have got to be shitting me...after, stupid ass-face-shitting-cock-gobblers and cumdumpsters.....I can't stop laughing enough to breath...I'm so using that shit in a sentence at work tomorrow...I heart you JJ..now I must empty my bladder somewhere besides my pants

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ooooo one more:

    Proverbs
    A bird in the hand is worth Rob in your bush.

    X

    ReplyDelete
  9. BGP's.. with full lip service..
    PusseyPatz..
    E.Cullen couter covers..Alabia of love..
    or typical...Underpatz..Robwear
    ok...That's all I got..

    ReplyDelete
  10. Adding Sparkle to your Va jay jay
    without breaking out the bedazzler
    (looking at you Jennifer love Hewitt)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hmmm....
    I don't know if any of these are funny.

    RPattz panties - your beard on his.

    Forget vajazzling - wear a sparkly vamp instead

    That's all I've got....for now....

    ReplyDelete
  12. first I heard "Clare de lune" at the hair salon and now this?!? I can't handle it!
    I'm not funny enough to come up with anything brilliant, sorry!
    xo love to all!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. OK, here's mine:

    Edward Cullen - he comes between you and your Calvins.

    No? Oh well.

    Homemade Underwear
    The Amish would be so proud

    Eternal Life
    When you can live forever, what underwear do you wear?

    Payoff
    Like Bella in Breaking Dawn, you can finally sit on Edward's face.

    :)
    I like that last one. *pats self on back*
    I'm trying to think of one for Breaking Wind... anyone?

    Also, I'm pretty sure the interweb crazies are ascairt of us. That's probably why they steer clear. Just like on public transportation, you just have to act crazier than the crazy guy and everyone leaves you be. :) I love you h00rs!
    @JJ- the period panties one made me snorfle. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Look, if you want flamers, I will start posting here. I hardly ever post on my blog and I get them all the time.

    And that really WAS the lamest demotivational poster ever. But alas, I can't seem to do any better right now. Oh, that's bullshit, I can do better without even trying.

    Obsessive
    Much?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ooooohhhhh my god, JJ, I am dying. It is Shark Week (read: time o' the month) and I laughed so hard my aching ovaries threw a motherfucking fit. You may enjoy them, but I, for one, am SOOOO glad Twitarded is a troll-free zone!

    @laxplays - DYING. DYING. Esp @ "leakage" and "Rob in your bush"

    God, I wish I had something funny and substantial to contribute.

    How about:

    CREEPY PERVS: The genius who created these could be anyone you know....anyone.

    (because seriously, pretty much no one in my RL knows just how Twi-crazy I really am. Suckers.)

    OOh, ooh!

    RPATTZ IN PANTIES
    Slightly less pervy than if it was the underage wolf.

    Nah, I'm just not funny.

    ReplyDelete
  16. SHIT FACED
    It never looked so good

    EDWARD CULLEN
    What every girl wants on her taco

    ReplyDelete
  17. @Myg, who in the hell would flame you?

    Please point me in the right direction so that I may take those fuckers down. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wow...you really don't want to get laid, do you?

    ReplyDelete
  19. BWAFAHAHAHAHA!!!! ::clutches sides:: The Period Panties!!! Jesus fucking hamster fucker!

    I do love some of the phrases floating around here...Let's see if I can come up with something...I'll be back.

    ReplyDelete
  20. ooh how about this:
    HORNDOG
    Coz sometimes you just need a goddamn mouth near your vagina.

    ReplyDelete
  21. How about...

    CAUTION
    improper use of this product could cause unplanned Renesmee

    ReplyDelete
  22. Caution: PROBABLE FRONT PAGE OF YOUR DIVORCE DECREE

    ReplyDelete
  23. OMFG I am fucking crying right now I'm laughing so hard. You ladies kill me!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm nearly pissing my pants laughing so hard. All these comments are just fodder for the backside of future panties.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Let me try:

    My Mom went to Forks and all I got were these panties.

    "Santa, I said I want Edward IN my pussy...not ON it."

    Edward Cullen...making the ladies at my gym jealous since 2009.

    Edward panties...the only time I'll put tweed on my pussy.

    Edward Cullen...making Brazilians prettier since Breaking Dawn.

    I'll stop now...

    ReplyDelete
  26. or how about this:

    THE NEXT BEST THING
    Coz we have yet to get a picture of his junk.

    @Musing Bella
    its funny coz its true. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  27. OMG! These comments are slaying me.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh god that demotivational poster was the worst. They really need to get their ass over here and see what a good poster could look like. All you ladies kill me. I wish I was that creative.

    @Mrs. P-"Edward panties...the only time I'll put tweed on my pussy." LMFAO!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. LOL!

    How about:
    PUSSY
    Because sometimes mountain lion is just too wild

    Rofl! My v/w is 'on vicar'!

    ReplyDelete
  30. LMFAO!!

    Laxplays - I think you win. I could do with Rob in my bush...

    I got nothin to add. Damn shame.

    ReplyDelete
  31. fkn priceless @JJ - 'taking period panties to a whole new level'

    oh yes please @laxplays -'When you want to come forever' my fave

    They're all great...sorry I can't add anything I'm not that witty!

    ReplyDelete
  32. LMAO ladies, you're all hilarious!!!

    Panties:
    New and improved. Now with jawporn.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I have one!

    "Tagging Your Photos: Learn How to Do It, Twitarded!"

    lol...

    ReplyDelete
  34. laxplays and twilove1_sue - I can't stop laughing

    heck all of you are hilarious!!

    I definitely have nothing for this one, I will just enjoy the comments. LOL!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  35. LMAO at these comments! Okay, I had a bit too much fun with this.

    What I would write if I were a flamer:
    Rock Bottom
    And we thought you couldn't sink any lower.

    Edward Panties
    Probably the most action you'll see this decade.

    Sexy
    You're doing it wrong.

    What I would write as a Pattinson panty loving Twitard:
    LMT
    ...but get in line. And be prepared to wait a while.

    Ain't Ashamed
    Go on, laugh. That dead guy over there did, too.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am literally sobbing at my desk and my boss keeps snarling at me but I can't stop laughing.

    You ladies are HILARIOUS. I love the fact that we can make fun of ourselves better than someone who is genuinely appalled by us. That just goes to show how awesome this community is.

    @Musing Bella - That's the only theory we've come up with as well. We're so weird that all the ass-faces are actually afraid of us.

    ReplyDelete
  37. How can people not be afriad? A bunch of average seeming wives who like to drink ooodles, And spin the virtues of the precious and pre-tay. We are a dangerous crowd. Spakle peen and all.

    ReplyDelete
  38. PMSL! OMG - this is the funniest post ever!! I love the fact that these panties seem to never go away!!

    SELF SATISFACTION
    if all it takes is just the image of Rob's face to get you off, imagine the real thing!

    ReplyDelete
  39. OMG...Thank God for posts like these...I literally just had to wipe my eyes..*sighs*..my my my..
    Very clever girls..

    ReplyDelete
  40. O...M...G... You ladies are so funny!! HOLYCOCKRUBBINGDONKEYFUCKER!!! SO FUNNY!!! I wish I could think of something good. Maybe later on. LOL! Right now I'm just going to keep laughing at my desk. MADE. MY. DAY.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Oh lord, I don't know what's more hilarious - the post or the comments. LMAO! I really needed this today you whores.

    Got nothing on the demotivational poster.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Hmm prob got this one but ..
    Masterbation .. You're doing it wrong !!

    Why use tampons for tea bags ?

    " you"ll always be my Bellalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!"

    " hold on tight Spidermonkey !"

    " no wait no bush burn" nah

    How am I suppose to sleep now I'm going to be thinking about this all freaking day !

    ReplyDelete
  43. Hehe

    Cullen Cooter Covers -
    "Hold on tight Spider Monkey"

    Pattinson Panties -
    "Underoos" for grown women!!!

    ReplyDelete
  44. JFHF! I just gave myself hiccups from laughing so much! I'm wiping tears every freaking comment!!

    While I have my faves, I have been doing my work to think of some "good" ones. Here are my contributions:


    Spontaneous Ovulation
    For those hard-to-conceive days.

    Pea Coats
    You're spelling it wrong.

    RPattz Panties
    You may never fart again.

    7 Years of Bad Luck
    Cuz you're gonna hump every mirror you walk by.

    RPattz Panties
    Does this count as a fire crotch?

    Chastity Belt
    You don't know how long you'll be waiting for him.


    That's all I have so far. GOD DAMN we're hilarious!!!

    ReplyDelete
  45. LMAO! You h00rs are funny! I love you all.

    I think the reason this blog doesn't receive haters is:

    1) We are fully capable of making fun of ourselves

    2) The haters know that once they open that can of worms they will get it back 100-fold - please reference point #1 - shit, they have seen what we say to one another and we like each other.

    So with that - here is my best attempt at making fun of us and the panties:

    Vegetarian Vampire: Do I smell fish?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Straight from the mouth of Rob:

    You think my eyebrows are bushy, you should see my...

    ReplyDelete
  47. Bwahahahahaha!

    @Laxplays--I have a slight tweak to one yours...

    Depends by Edward Cullen
    Be safe, protected and EXcrete.

    Here's one:

    Kittyzinger

    That's all I got today folks.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Burning itch ... Who needs vagicil ?

    ReplyDelete
  49. Way to dangerous to read this at work today! I'm laughing to hard & boss is getting angry.
    All of you h00rs are just to damn clever.

    Final Frontier
    When you have a 107 year old virgin in your pants.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I have a new favorite phrase: stupid ass-face-shitting-cock-gobblers. Love. It.

    My contribution:

    NOTHING COULD BE FINER
    Than Edward Cullen on your vaginer.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Love, love, love

    "You'll always be my Bella-la-la-la-la-la-la"

    I snoforted my coffee on that one :)

    My WV word is dicsi

    While wearing those panties you can tell I have no dicsi?

    ReplyDelete
  52. VitaminR - tweak away ; 0

    X

    ReplyDelete
  53. First picture is his "Why not?"

    Second picture the Ranties "Depends!" made even better with his famous look of horror/disgust and a pic of a fat girl (not volunteering to take one for the team) either wearing them or holding them out as if..

    ReplyDelete
  54. Vampire Panties:

    Suck my wake!

    ReplyDelete
  55. I won't insult myself by trying to write some witty caption in the company of you fine twat-ticklers.

    I will however say this, I think people leave Twitarded alone because we are a group of mentally disturbed people. You all took over the town of Forks, it probably wouldn't surprise people if you also had your own secret police that raided the homes of ass-face-shitting-cock-gobblers and peeled their skin off layer by layer. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I like these panties... I wish I could get a pair for myself... You need an online twitarded store!

    ReplyDelete
  57. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! You ladies all fucking kill me! I seriously have tears in my eyes! You all made my day. I just can't top any of these so I'll just sit back and enjoy! Keep 'em cumming! LOLOLOLOL!

    ReplyDelete
  58. OMFG, totally laughing my ass off! My 4 year old is sitting on my lap asking every couple minutes, "what's so funny mommy?" *snort*

    My favs are Ellie with Probable cover of your divorce decree; Musing
    Bella with Homemade Underwear and Payoff: Like Bella in BD, you can finally sit on Edward's face. Rule!

    Nothing funny to add from me, but you guys fully rule. And bring on the flamers, we need the extra entertainment and additional opportunities for verbal excercise. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  59. I would just like to say on the record that I DID NOT create this poster. I was just excited that I saw one of my favorite obsessions (you h00rs) on one of my other favorite obsessions (the cheezburger network).

    I can't beat the period panties comment so I'll just bow to your brilliance, JJ.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Ok ladies, I laughed so hard I almost had a asthma attack! You are absolutely intimidating in your wit. Whoever did that poster was an amateur who didn't know with whom they were dealing. Real flamers know they can't even touch the rapier wit of Twitards.

    ReplyDelete
  61. I You h00rs are awesome! That is all.

    vw: cotervio-I know there is a Pattinson panties joke joke in there somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
  62. I'm going to pretend to be a hater for this caption.

    Twilight Panties- where one pussy meets another.

    Edward Undies- taking obsession to a "hole" new level.

    ReplyDelete
  63. I cannot top 'Taking Period Panties to a whole new level'....I'm not worthy!!!

    ReplyDelete
  64. the h00rs here rock. i do think the trolls are skeerd. A Twitarded mob could make some money skeering some menz :)

    ReplyDelete
  65. I defended you!Before you posted this! Did you see me in the comments, didya?
    XXXXX

    ReplyDelete
  66. INSTRUCTIONAL PANTIES:
    putting men in their proper place

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!