Wednesday, February 16, 2011

7 Seconds In Heaven with Robert Pattinson

I recently read an article that said seven seconds is the average length of time you have to make a first impression. If that's really the case, people must think I'm a real douche. Seven seconds? Really? It takes me at least seven seconds to remember my name most days. I think I'd give Bella a run for her money in a stuttering contest. And really, now that I know it's all about those seven seconds, I will most certainly never make another good first impression. Ever.


I wish I had thought to dress like this when I showed up on STY's doorstep last June...

So of course, this got me to thinking about RPattz. Because honestly, I'm pretty sure that I can make anything circle back around to that man!

If you're like me, you often run through scenarios in your heads where you miraculously bump into Rob on the street or in a bar and have this amazing conversation with him that makes him completely forget about KStew and professes his love for you. I know I have... I have a 40 minute commute to and from work. That's a lot of time to fantasize about our clandestine meetings. And let me tell you, I take full advantage of that time. Some days, I'm so turned on by the time I get home, I'm practically shedding my clothes before I hit the front door and ordering Mr. Latchkey to the bedroom.

Just the fact that VitaminR ate at the same restaurant gets me all foggy-headed. She could've used the exact same silverware he used. Her mouth could have shared his very fork. Fuck. Me. Hard. And then you have Jenny Jerkface's set stalking adventure during the filming of Remember Me. She was so close, she could've pooped in his potty.


Yes, Jenny, this would have made me need to poop too. Although I'm positive, I would've pooped my pants!

And then this week, we've been all batting around the possibility of going to the Water For Elephants premiere in NYC in April. I may have gotten the sweats just thinking about it. The opportunity to be in the same city as the Preh-tay? I think I just peed my pants.

So let's say it's a perfect world and we're all together for this event (my imagination allowed us to fly TK and VitR in!)... we're standing in the front row of the red carpet, watching a beautifully dressed Robert strut his way towards the theater. One hand nervously fingering the buttons of his suit coat, the other alternating between waving to the crowd and grabbing at his hair.


"Is this shit over yet?"


"Oh my gawd, there are the girls from Twitarded and I have nowhere to run!"

He pauses to sign some autographs and makes his way towards us, we all anxiously get ready for his John Hancock. We will have exactly seven seconds to make our first impressions. What do we say?!
Snarkier Than You: "There's a tween mob coming. Come with me if you want to live!"

Myg: "How on earth do you manage being you?"

VitaminR: "I'm way cooler and sexier than I look. Let's go shot for shot!"

Jenny Jerkface: "Ohmyfuckinggawd, I'm SO sorry I wrote about how I want to take a dump in your trailer. I hope I didn't embarrass you. I still want to take a dump in your trailer." {{said extremely fast because this is way more than seven seconds worth of word vomit.}}

Latchkey Wife: "No autograph. Just cock. Please." [See? I can be polite.]

Texas Katherine: {{channeling her best Bella}} "Er, ah, um, I love... ah...sparkle peen..." {{pukes on his shoes}}
This is why none of us should ever be allowed in the same zip code as RPattz. I know I don't need to make a complete fool (or slut) of myself. A lot of you have been really close to him - attending premieres (I'm looking at you TwiLove_Sue) and ComicCon and stalking Twilight sets... and that makes me insanely jealous.

If you've gotten close to the Precious, did you exchange words? What did you say? What did HE say? If not, what would you say to make good quick first impression? Express your undying love or sputter and vomit in his presence?

48 comments:

  1. Hahahah I love your run down of what everybody would say, that's so true! I can see it now. "Cock, please."

    I think I'd follow along the lines of TK. I'd stutter and vomit. Maaaaybe pull a JJ and shit my pants. ;)

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  2. I saw this Ellen clip where this 15yo girl met Justin Beiber... she was totally speechless, hopping up and down, hugging him... yeah, that would be me with Rob. I wouldn't know what to say- I would just stare and stare... God!! I hope you do go to WFE premiere. I'm already planning to go and I would love to meet up with the twitard girls.

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  3. Stop smoking, be nice to your parents and don't let Hollywood turn you into an asshole.

    Oh - and want to marry my daughter?

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  4. Can I please be your laundry lady....yes that..it would be my pleasure to do your laundry..spot on with the girls. Pmsl..

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  5. I confess my reaction would be something between Latchkey's and TK's. I'd think like the 1st one and do as the second. *pukesjustfromimagining*

    <3
    @BraGirl2.

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  6. here's the plan. i fake a british accent and say, "Oi! Robbehht! Good to see you again, love!" While he is confused, i ad lib something about being his baby momma. By the time he realizes i'm full of shit, the chloroform has kicked in and i am dragging his ridiculously perfect ass back to my car.
    Seven seconds well spent!

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  7. I'd hightail it the fuck out of there. I turn into a blathering idiot any time I see anyone remotely famous. My voice also for some reason goes up an octave and I end up sounding like a demure 12 year old if I talk to them (seriously, it's bizarre).

    So yeah, I'd turn around and run.

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  8. "Her mouth could have shared his very fork."
    HOLY SHIT YOU ARE RIGHT!
    I never even thought about that...

    uhm...erm... well, if I did magically bump into him, I already plan on giving him my number and telling him if he's ever in Wisconsin to call me and I'll make him some brats and we'll slug down some beer..... however, it might just come out like "call ..wieners ..beer"

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  9. I'd like to think I would totally play it cool, like "hey, sup? Who are u again?" But it would be really hard cuz I'd be too busy puttin a bag over my head and running away sceaming something about it being too soon and I haven't lost enough weight & I still don't know how to deep throat. Thats probs not the best way to impress him so instead I will avoid him like the plague & continue to dream about the fuckhawt Robward that lives in my head.

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  10. "No autograph. Just cock. Please."

    nuff said.

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  11. Bwahahahaha!! "No autograph. Just cock. Please." Really, that says it all :)

    If I met him, I'd probably start word vomitting and accidentally insult him with a backhanded compliment.

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  12. Nope. I couldn't ever intentionally place myself in the vicinity of The Precious.

    If my eyes looked at him directly, my head would explode! I would be totally speechless and my panties would be ruined, but I would have the biggest smile on my face that anyone has EVER seen!

    Oh, but in my dreams I would offer to lick him all over for a nickel! (Yes. I would PAY HIM the nickel!) And if he said yes, I'd do it too!

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  13. Wow. Could you BE more spot-on w the rest of the crew? Methinks not. Except for the vomiting thing. I don't think TK would vomit. She'd probably do something only slightly less embarrassing. Like fart. Loudly.

    No idea what I would do. I'd probably do something obnoxiously low-key. Like shake his hand and say how much I love his acting. Then I'd go home and masturbate with the hand I touched him with until I've convinced myself that I really said "Fucking hell, Rob. Get in my bed." as we ran to his limo, tearing each others' clothes along the way.

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  14. I think I made my 7 seconds count... I was at the Oprah taping and during down times for 'commercial breaks' <-not filmed live and after the interview was over you could practically hear crickets... no one was taking advantage of the silence(maybe they were scared of the big O). I kept telling Marie to yell hi to Rob, she wouldn't do it.

    Side note: If you know me and have every been to a sporting event or concert with me you know I have no shame and if you ask me to yell to get someones attention I will do it and I will be fucking loud about it. I have a big mouth and I use it.. twss.

    Back to my story, Marie suggested I yell to Rob so I said fuck it I only have one shot, they are walking off stage and if I don't do it now I won't get this chance again so I yelled "ROB!!!!" while waving like a maniac and he fucking looked up smiled and waved... I nearly died!!!

    Afterwards Marie had the brilliant idea that I should have flashed him my boobs bc we had enough bail money. God damn it! I could have been that crazy girl that flashed RPattz. Probably woulda scared the crap out of KStew and baby TayTay :)

    PS: You can see screen caps we got from the show on our blog. We can be seen in the front row behind the girl they interviewed in the audience.

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  15. My few brushes with famous people have been less than impressive as I usually sputter and blush, so I'd like to fantasize that I would stare Rob down and say a few brief words about how I'm old enough to have certain skill sets that Kristen's only read about. When he gets a scared, bewildered look on his face, I'll sigh and say, "Fine. Give my # to Dean" (who is about to wrestle me to the ground for non-sexual reasons anyway.) I'd love to join you all in NY, if only cuz I've never been. Gaze longingly at the Precious for me;)

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  17. i've been close several times to meeting the Preh-tay. @ the Twilight Red Carpet Premiere (no luck, he passed by our section but I'd made a hat that was hand delivered to KStew & passed along to SRitz- actually witnessed w/ my own eyes!), @ Jay Leno Show (no luck, audience was ushered out immediately), @ Eclipse Movie Premiere (actually under the same roof as him - except several hundred rows up), @ the Water for Elephants set in Downtown L.A. (waited overnight until 3:15, he came out to greet fans 30 mins after I left. DOH!), @ Water for Elephants set in Piru, CA (this was the closest, physically- his driver & him literally drove no more than 3 feet away from me, and NO DIDN'T STOP), and finally, again @ Jay Leno Show (I crocheted another hat & asked Jay before the show if I could give it to him. Jay said No, but MommyPatz & DaddyPatz were in the audience, so I asked them after the show if I could give them the hat & they said "Oh, how lovely. Thank you, we'll give it to him.")

    WHEN I meet him, not stalker-ish just determined, I will probably ask first "Did you receive a hat made by a fan @ the Twilight Premiere AND/OR @ The Jay Leno show?" followed by "Really? I made those! You know I find you absolutely fascinating. I bet you get lonely. I'd like to have a pint w/ you sometime." All the while secretly hoping to wind up doing other things. Yes, even that! natch!

    A girl can (and does) dream (often).

    Clearly I've been so close I could practically smell him and am still hopeful. My time will come. Oh yes fellow twat-waffles... My. Time. Will. Come.

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  18. Holy shit, I never even thought about the cutlery LKW!!!!! Gah!!! Not to mention the glassware.

    Truth be told I honestly don't ever want to meet him because I know it would never, in a million years, go down how I would wish....I am content to keep the fantasy alive...both my more realistic fantasy and my extremely unrealistic fantasies.

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  19. Me reacting to seeing Robert Pattinson for the first time: "For you, I would forsake my loyalties to Gryffindor and be happy with being a Hufflepuff."

    Oops! Wrong fandom.
    Yeah, we're all expecting something sexual, but whenever I meet a male, sex is usually the very last thing on my mind.

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  20. I honestly hope I never meet him. When I'm nervous I babble and fidget and my voice goes up about ten octaves. If I met the Precious, I'm pretty sure only dogs would be able to hear me. It would be horrifically embarrassing, he would forever remember me as that insane Irish chick who wouldn't shut up (if he bothered remembering me at all) and I would go searching for that fucking hole in the ground that wouldn't fucking open and swallow me when I needed it. Bastard.

    In a perfect world wher I'm not socially retarded, I would say:
    'Between your eyebrows and mine, we're gonna have to teach our kids to pluck as soon as they're out of the womb.' *suggestive waggle of said painstakingly-plucked brows*

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  21. LMAO, I love each of your 7-second scenarios. "No autograph. Just cock. Please." PRICELESS!!

    While I am normally not opposed to embarrassing myself, I just couldn't do that to myself on purpose in front of the Precious. I expect I'd be mumbly and stuttery. If I could speak at all. He'd likely think I was retarded.

    xo

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  22. I think it's hilarious how you all think I nailed each one of the "what we would say"! Because this is exactly what each of of us would say - I didn't make it up!! LOL! Even TK admits she'll be a stuttering fool!

    I'm loving all these comments and dying at how many of you don't even want to have to face this situation.

    @Banshee713: Total LMAO at "If I met the Precious, I'm pretty sure only dogs would be able to hear me."

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  23. PMSL at the descriptions! If you guys have a chance to go to the WFE premiere you gotta do it! How many chances are you going to get to be in the same vicinity of the Precious one?? Someone has to get a chance to plug FFOORRKKSS 2011!

    I honestly have no idea what I'd say if I had a chance, it would all depend on the situation but I am a risk taker when it comes to meeting a celebrity that I want to see - I've met plenty of musicians, a few actors and some wrestlers (don't ask, it was a phase) and think I managed to maintain my dignity MOST of the times but it comes to Rob, I may just black out!

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  24. very funny post and comments. i too have a long commute to work and i can't count the number of times i've picked up a Rob whose shitty little car broke down, or a hitchhiking Rob, or for some reason a Rob who wants to hang out with me at work all day (why would he EVER? idk. that's why it's a fantasy, people).

    if i met him face to face, i would probably say nothing extraordinary. just, "hey, nice to meat you. sorry your life is so crazy. take care of yourself." but i would hope that he saw something magical in my eyes and he would fall in love at first sight.

    *sigh* a girl can dream...

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  25. You girls crack me up. If I had the chance to meet Rob I would probably say something like "Hey I know you don't like to bathe but they have this awesome stuff called dry shampoo and it would really help make you hair less greasy" I love his messed up style but I would be afraid to run my hands through it.

    No the most profound thing but I love to help people, what can I say :)

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  27. Hilarious! Love the list of what each of you would say. Had me giggling in bed this morning... not an easy task when I haven't had coffee.

    When I went set-stalking in Baton Rouge in January, I was well-prepared mentally for meeting Rob. I actually envisioned meeting both him and Kristen (♥♥♥) together, because then maybe she would diffuse my awkwardness (let's face it, no one else can look awkward and clumsy when she's in the room). I figured that my friend and I would send a few Heinekens to their table, and then they'd come by to say thanks and we'd end up chatting all night and becoming BFFs. While we did manage to eat at several restaurants where the cast had also eaten (maybe I used their forks too! Do they reuse straws??), and while we were pretty sure they were filming the first night we stalked the movie studio (so I was, quite possibly, within a few hundred feet of Rob - *in Edward costume*) - we never saw him. There's always Vancouver...

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  28. I'd probably go all Bella-ish and be a blinky-stuttery-tearful mess. Wha?...No!...You can't say...Wha?...Rob...You can't leave me...No!...

    Then I'd most likely pee my pants and fall to the ground in a blinky-stuttery-shaky-pissy-seizing PILE.

    So much for 1st impressions. But I betcha he'd remember me!! YESSS!

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  29. Damn I could have eaten from the same utensils as The Precious too! Should have pocketed those suckers for a souvenir!

    I've only caught a glimpse of The Precious, as he left the set during the filming of the birthday scene during New Moon. Picture this, me, co-hort and about thirty other people standing freezing our asses off on the sidewalk @ 1:30 am. Yup I was wrapped up in a blanket to keep warm, smexy huh. We left shortly after that, little did we know that they continued filming to 6 am and when they wrapped the cast came out to greet the fans that were still there Doh!

    I also managed to make myself a PITA to Kstew while getting her autograph, trying to help take the cap off the pen. I kinda got the bitch eye from her, then in true Canadian fashion I apologized for being a PITA. I actually said "Sorry I'm being an pain in the ass aren’t I" I still can't decipher what she wrote in my book, and I was too afraid to ask.

    Next up is making an ass of myself with Kellan, we met him coming back from a run and he was teasing us by telling us that we'd have to chase him to get an autograph. I pipe up and say "not in these heels unless you want me to pull a Bella and land on my ass". Yah I'm that much of an idiot, but he did stop and sign autographs.

    When I met Peter, I had no idea of what to say to him so I was just a mute and only thanked him for the autograph. We had been hanging out at the park they were filming battle scenes at since 5am and we met him around 3pm we were not at our best. It was kind of funny when we first got there, we were standing at the gate to the park (the park wasn't officially open and we didn't want to get kicked out) and everyone was showing their ID's as they drove past. If we had our wits about us we could have been stopping cars checking for The Preh-tay. Alas that ended up being the day he slept in and didn't make it to the set. Doh!

    We also got a quick glimpse and wave from Taylor and Kristen as they left the Bella’s House location, this was after filming the deleted Bella and Jacob married flash. As they drove by the slowed down rolled down the window and waved at us, we were so shocked that all we could do was to wave back.

    I guess this makes me the lamest twi-fan going! Doh..... Hangs Head In Shame

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  30. Well...I've met Taylor, Rachelle, and Edi. When I was younger and was in love with Scott Wolf (I was a Party of Five fan) I got to meet him & Matthew Fox. I know it's not the same as meeting RPatz but bear with me. Here's how I think it would go assuming it was a meet & greet line thing (If not I doubt I'd have the balls to actually go up to him on the street).

    As I got closer my body temp would hit about 120 degrees and I'd be over heating and probably pitting out. Once I was actually up to him my face would turn BRIGHT RED and I'd smile look him in the eyes and say "It's nice to meet you" in my smallest voice possible. Aaaaaand then I'd walk away flustered. Yep...LAME.

    Word Verification today...peted. As in YOU DUMBASS YOU SHOUD HAVE PETED HIM!!!!

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  31. Boo. My comment was deleted as I tried to post it. :(
    This is the closest I got to Rob:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1h-ecGsTDrc

    Just happened to be in NYC for a baseball game while he was filming Remember Me. Found out where he was going to be and waited about 20 mins and saw him. Didn't get to talk to him though and we had to leave for the 8hr drive home.

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  32. @Cinzia - I noticed the minute he came into view, the camera got a little shaky... I would have probably dropped the fucking thing. Man, he looked HOT! Nice work.

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  33. If I ever meet him I would run away..because I would definitely do something I regretted, and then that would infinitely fuck up my RPattz dreams and turn them into woulda/coulda/shoula nightmares...and I WILL NOT be having that.

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  34. I would try to lure him away with a cheeseburger. I'm pretty sure that if I waved it slowly in front of his face and encouraged him by saying "Come on, come her boy, that's it, this way, good boy, lets' go" he would follow me anywhere in a hypnotised state.

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  35. You have made me feel a little less crazy today. Thanks Latchkey Wife!!

    DH

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  36. I love everyone's comments! I'd be smiling in awe and probably stay in a state of shock for a long time. DUUUUHHHH.

    I need to get a passport to go to Vancouver. I also need to build a machine that freezes time. This way if I ever come in contact with the Precious, well, you get the picture.xD

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  37. I would say: "I'm a huge fan and all I really want is to hear you giggle!" I know its kind of silly, but there is nothing that I love more than listening to that man giggle.

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  38. I went to the New Moon premiere in LA way back when and I'm not going to lie...I turned into a screaming crazy little girl. ROB!! ROB!!! and that was from a crowd of like 1500 people so clearly he could identify my voice if he heard it today. Pathetic, really. But even from that distance (which was still close enough to see his glorious hands and hair) I creamed my fucking pants...I might have an involuntary orgasm and rupture an ovary if I ever got close enough to 7 seconds

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  39. it was in italy, a day before the actual shoot...and we saw him!! and what did i do???

    ...i did the thing i promised i would NOT EVER DO! i screamed like an idiot...i'm almost 30 and seeing RPattz retarded me to a level of a 13 year old girl!! he just smirked and waved and that was it...the image of him will always be in my brain and keep me warm at nights, but i could do without the memory of making myself look like an idiot *lol*

    i had the change to talk and "IIIIK" vas all that came out of my mouth...really classy!!

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  40. If I met him I would like to thank him for bringing me all of you into my life. Without him I wouldn't have all of you and then I would ask him to sign Mrs. P's avi!!

    You really pegged each response for each Twitard LOL!!

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  41. I would ask him something similar to LKW: "Would you sign my vagina with your cock?"

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  42. I never want this to happen. My Rob fantasies are what keep me going some days. There is no way I could recover from meeting him, and having him not fall head over heels for me on the spot. I know it's delusional. I am a pregnant, married, 30-something woman who is already chasing after a three-year-old, and I would still be PISSED if I met Rob and went home without him. I never want to be close enough to have the chance to meet him. Ever.

    Plus, my emotions are out of control normally and even more now being knocked up. Crying is a very common response for me. Whether I am happy, angry, sad, or in any way overwhelmed, I cry. I also blush on an embarassing level. So if this trainwreck ever DID take place, here is how I imagine it: Seeing him nearby would make me try to run in 2 directions at once. To him and from him. This would make me confused and shaky. Probably would begin panicking and then crying. Then the blush would appear right as he was in my vacinity. I would be scared to look at him, and trying to hide myself somehow, because let's face it ladies- I am so not worthy. I would look like a rabid, drunk lunatic and he would no doubt check to see where his bodyguard was at the moment.

    I brain cannot handle the disappointment I would bring on myself. I am in no way cool enough to handle a situation like this, so I give you ladies who have seen/ met him a lot of credit. I will keep him in my brain, where he is madly in love with me and I don't shake or cry or blush or choke on my own saliva when I try to speak.

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  43. i was lucky enough to see him in italy- early morning, me drinking cappuchino and him leaning out of the car, looking at the main square set in montepulciano. very few people around. he was close enough to touch- but he just glanced at me long enough to realise that i wasn't going to scream, or ask for anything- and i know i was smiling very broadly by that stage- and he just smiled so very sweetly back.all to myself!!
    and then i went to a conference in budapest, and on the morning before going to the airport, i strolled up the main street to accidentally find the bel ami set and himself strolling along through it, looking fierce. (i was under the impression he would not be there for at least another week.) once again, very few poeple and no one screaming!

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  44. LMAO, I love each of your 7-second scenarios. "No autograph. Just cock. Please." PRICELESS!!

    While I am normally not opposed to embarrassing myself, I just couldn't do that to myself on purpose in front of the Precious. I expect I'd be mumbly and stuttery. If I could speak at all. He'd likely think I was retarded.

    xo

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  45. Me reacting to seeing Robert Pattinson for the first time: "For you, I would forsake my loyalties to Gryffindor and be happy with being a Hufflepuff."

    Oops! Wrong fandom.
    Yeah, we're all expecting something sexual, but whenever I meet a male, sex is usually the very last thing on my mind.

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  46. i've been close several times to meeting the Preh-tay. @ the Twilight Red Carpet Premiere (no luck, he passed by our section but I'd made a hat that was hand delivered to KStew & passed along to SRitz- actually witnessed w/ my own eyes!), @ Jay Leno Show (no luck, audience was ushered out immediately), @ Eclipse Movie Premiere (actually under the same roof as him - except several hundred rows up), @ the Water for Elephants set in Downtown L.A. (waited overnight until 3:15, he came out to greet fans 30 mins after I left. DOH!), @ Water for Elephants set in Piru, CA (this was the closest, physically- his driver & him literally drove no more than 3 feet away from me, and NO DIDN'T STOP), and finally, again @ Jay Leno Show (I crocheted another hat & asked Jay before the show if I could give it to him. Jay said No, but MommyPatz & DaddyPatz were in the audience, so I asked them after the show if I could give them the hat & they said "Oh, how lovely. Thank you, we'll give it to him.")

    WHEN I meet him, not stalker-ish just determined, I will probably ask first "Did you receive a hat made by a fan @ the Twilight Premiere AND/OR @ The Jay Leno show?" followed by "Really? I made those! You know I find you absolutely fascinating. I bet you get lonely. I'd like to have a pint w/ you sometime." All the while secretly hoping to wind up doing other things. Yes, even that! natch!

    A girl can (and does) dream (often).

    Clearly I've been so close I could practically smell him and am still hopeful. My time will come. Oh yes fellow twat-waffles... My. Time. Will. Come.

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