Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Love and Wildflowers. Also, I'm Totally Screwed.

Before I get to the Twilighty point of this post, a little backstory is necessary:

You see, many moons ago, when I was a punked-out, purple-haired asshole at the tender age of 17, I met a girl who we will call Choodles. Choodles and I shared the same Spanish class and became fast friends, namely because we served a lot of detentions together and the Senora hated us with equal ferocity. That friendship blossomed as we encouraged each other to be the Biggest Douchebag to the Senora and frightened all the Freshman (Choodles literally made one of ‘em whimper when she convinced him she was a vampire. Good times. Or a sign of things to come?). Years passed and Choodles and I bonded over under-aged drinking, hiding from the cops, switching peoples’ lawn ornaments around, and sneaking out of my parents’ basement window and pushing my car down the block so we could go joy-riding.


Eventually, we were old enough to drink legally, but still had to outrun the cops for various other reasons. Regardless, Choodles and I have remained friends for the past sixteen years (minus that "we were on a break" period immediately following the time I beat the crap out of her with a broom when we worked together at Friendly’s).

Not too long ago, Choodles became engaged to a handsome young gent. Against her better judgment (in my opinion) she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Because of our long and sordid history together - and the fact that I’m pretty sure we’ve both cleaned up the other person’s puke, which is like being blood-sisters but far more disgusting - I accepted. I’m pretty sure she second-guessed asking me the day we went together so I could try on my bridesmaid dress and she murmured, “I forgot how many tattoos you have...” but, anyway. Seriously, her wedding party is going to be like a game of One of These Is Not Like The Others.

It's going to be like this but with pretty dresses on...

At some point during the early preparations of her nuptials, Choodles asked me to contribute to the wedding favors, which she explained to me in depth and I totally forgot what they were but they sounded really nice. And included flower seeds.

Choodles wanted me to write a poem.

What? Is that bad?

Oooookay. It’s true that I was accepted to a scholarship poetry camp when I was 17, but the only things I remember from that experience is getting attacked by a bat, learning how to Robo-trip, and making out with a college boy.

And she doesn’t just want any old poem, either. She wants a poem about love and wildflowers.

Now this, I can do.

There once was a sparkly vampire named Edward
Who loved a lame human named Bellward... (what? Aren't poems supposed to rhyme?)
He said, "will you marry me?"
And she said, "No."
So he called her a dumb whore
The end.

To: Choodles
From: Jenny Jerkface

I’m looking through old poem books as we speak. Can I reference Edward and Bella?
From Choodles
To: Jenny Jerkface


NO EDWARD/BELLA SHIT! Don’t want my wedding commemorated by a poem about a needy, co-dependant whiny bitch.
Did I mention that Choodles doesn't share my fondness for all things Twilight? But fiiiiiine, it's her wedding so I'll be nice.

So now, rather than spending my free time licking my computer screen and pretending its Robert Pattinson’s face, I’m desperately trying to come up with some nice little poem about love and wildflowers.

Stop... STOP licking the screen, JJ!! Christ, have a little dignity, Jerkface.

Oh, and it anyone has any suggestions about where I can get some inspiration (that is not Twi-related, grumble grumble) I'm all ears!

Also, I’m going to sneak in a Twilight reference if it fucking kills me.

Also (again), I can't remember if she reads this blog or not but if Choodles reads this she's going to kick my ass. Especially since I nicknamed her Choodles. Among other things.

38 comments:

  1. FIRST!

    *snort* Good luck with that. Can't wait to hear how on earth *you* a) talk mushy about love and b) manage to be subtle. About Twilight, or anything really.

    w/v: plorn. Work that into the poem.

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  2. What lovey, mushy rhymes with Sparkle Peen? Spleen...Keen....no that won't work...Wait...something about a a lovely meadow...and fellatio?

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  3. Tell her to write her own fucking poem.

    I scanned what few poetry books I have and didn't really find any outstanding ones only a few that were 'meh' at best.

    But, I was thinking maybe something by Christina Rossetti might fit the bill. I just don't have much of hers.

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  4. Love hearing stories about little JJ! :)

    I have no doubt you will be able to slide in a little Twi-related content. There's tons of romantic/mushy shit they say to each other. You have mad skills, JJ.

    Furthermore, I have no doubt that you will come up with something awesome. You are a writer, you'll figure it out. I have faith. :) Good luck, girlie.

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  5. Oh JJ! You're such a talented bitch. I'm sure you'll come up with something.

    Will you be sharing your poem with us once it's completed? I'd love to see how you fit Twilight into it. Sorry, I'm no help. I make friends with people who can write to make up for my shortcomings as a writer.

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  6. shit, you just described me as a teenager. no wonder we all get along...
    anyways, I'm sure it won't be hard to even slip the word "twilight" into some mushy lovey dovey crap :)

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  7. Write Edward's love letter to you, JJ.
    That would be all wild-flowery and mushy. He'd an old-fashioned kind of guy.

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  8. Need some love poem inspiration not Twilight related - Khalil Gibran.

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  9. How about burying the reference within the poem, along the lines of (mine is not exactly iambic pantameter, it's just to give you an idea:)

    They met... it was
    Wonderful to be
    In
    Love
    In record time they
    Grew together so
    Here we are celebrating
    Them both

    Sneaky, huh?

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  10. Poem inspiration:

    Love is like finding a meadow...Fresh dew that sparkles in the sunlight...
    blah blah blah peen.

    Love that @Miss Tejota actually was useful and suggest Kahlil Gibran and of course always go for the sexy aspect of Pablo Neruda.

    I really hope Choodles punches you in the twat for naming her Choodles

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  11. I can try to cum up with a poem that includes "you are my life now" and maybe "I promise to love you every day of forever"?

    I'll think about it & get back to you. btw- when searching for good poems, I noticed that alphabetically marriage follows lust.

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  12. I highly recommend that JJ take up all of you guys on your awesome poetry-writing advice - lol! Weddings are supposed to be memorable, right?

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  13. P.S. JJ, how did you get Quato to pose with those owls??? and you say she doesn't like you - ha!

    : )

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  14. Even though I'm a Lit major, I don't think I can help with the poem. Especially since my brand of poetry goes by:

    "Oh homework, oh homework,
    I hate you, you suck.
    Whenever I do you,
    I always scream, 'Fuck.'"
    I'd rather snog Snooki,
    Or be cuffed to Charlie Sheen,
    than sit down and do my work
    and scream, scream, scream."

    What I can recommend is just google in "poems about wildflowers and love" and read what you find. Also, listen to some music. Hopefully, the sheer amount of poetry you have read paired up with some nice romantic film scores can conjure up a bit of inspiration.

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  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  16. "Like a meadow on a mountain
    where the view is fantastic
    if only the wildflowers
    weren't fugly, fake plastic

    Hey, at least you can sneak in the meadow along with the wildflowers. Good luck!

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  17. I thought I had it bad when I had to do a reading at a wedding last summer... glad I didn't have to write it though.. too much pressure gah!

    How about "Roses are red, Violets are blue. You hate Twilight, so I hate you too." Uh no maybe that's not good. Try "There once was a man from Nantucket..." hmmm maybe not wedding material either.

    Here are some Twilight quotes/sayings you can put in your poem.
    "Be safe." "Bad ass." "(insert name)'s Kung Fu is strong." "Always am."

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  18. Sheeeeeeit. I can't help. We're trying to write a whole ceremony without using 4 letter words.

    As far as inspiration...Eh. Every time I need wedding inspiration I end up looking at porn.




    Good luck, killer.

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  19. I say you get Mrs.P. to write you that poem, because she's a fucking magician when it comes to that shit.

    That's all I got to say at the moment, because I'm still recovering from the fact that you were asked to write a poem. ;)
    Oh, don't forget to post your masterpiece once you're done.

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  20. She doesn't want a Twilight reference in the poem read at her wedding? I don't get that. Sneak on in there somewhere. And maybe wear some Cullen crest jewellery!

    See, here's how you know we're your real friends. FLOVE your poem! If I ever get divorced and then married again, you can totally read that at my wedding!

    Also, I really want to hear the story about the broom beating!

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  21. Since there's a slight chance Choodles could read this blog, I will email you my sneaky Twilight references to sneak into the poem... I don't want her to spy on us! Personally, I thought your poem was perfect. Totally appropriate for a wedding! LOL!

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  22. Don't laugh but my all time favorite has always been
    Shakespeare's 116th sonnet Ok you can laugh.

    Let me not to the marriage of true minds
    Admit impediments. Love is not love
    Which alters when it alteration finds,
    Or bends with the remover to remove:
    O no! it is an ever-fixéd mark
    That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
    It is the star to every wandering bark,
    Whose Worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
    Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
    Within his bending sickle's compass come;
    Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
    But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
    If this be error and upon me proved
    I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

    I know sappy right? Laugh all you want I said come in class and the teacher couldn't do crap!!

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  23. Somehow I suspected that some of you weren't going to be all that helpful in my quest for the perfect love poem, but you still made me laugh my ass off so it's all good.

    I'll definitely check out the references the rest of you people gave me.

    I'm so screwed...

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  24. @Succubus - And yes, Choodles will proably kill me for the nickname. And I can't say its undeserved...

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  25. LMFAO! Had to come out of lurking status to comment.

    This ---> (minus that "we were on a break" period immediately following the time I beat the crap out of her with a broom when we worked together at Friendly’s) That is definitely "Friends" worthy. Is there video? LOL!

    So, Choodles convinced someone she was a vampire. You went to poetry camp on a scholarship (nice!) and were attacked by a BAT and learned the ROBo-trip. Definitely signs of things to come ;)

    I love the fact that you are unique and stand out in a crowd, even when when it means you're accidentally flashing someone on the NJ transit system.

    I have faith in you. You'll write something epic that will change lives, get a Twitarded reference in there, and snort during the delivery. Choodles will love it.

    @Recee13 - I can hear Robward reading that poem in iambic pantemeter now :)

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  26. I hate the posts that say, "This post has been removed by the author." It distracts me from the other awesome posts. I mean, what could be so horrible on THIS blog that it has to be removed???

    Okay, on to the topic. Try quoting one of the beginning poems from the books. That's subtle... right?

    Like from New Moon, "These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which, as they kiss, consume."

    Okay, so that might not be so good.

    How about this one from Breaking Dawn. She'll like this one:

    "And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays."

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  27. @Rob's Bitch

    Will you marry me?

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  28. I shout from the  trees
    Babe it's you that I dig
    even though you kept wearin'
    that frightful ol' wig

    Twilight movie reference really. You could build on it.
    Your welcome.

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  29. Is this for a favor?? So maybe something short and sweet? And she asked you? Well you are short and... ok sweet too. So I guess I'll toss you a bone.

    No one loves me like you do;
    You fill my every need,
    And that is why, my darling,
    I’ll follow wherever you lead.

    Or maybe JJ style:

    These dudes are hookin up.
    What the fuck!
    Guess I'll wish them luck.
    Luck.

    Sappy shit right there.. Good luck JJ..

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  30. @Double_Dippin - Winner, winner, chicken dinner on the JJ style poem. LMAO!

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  31. Well that is at least two recs for Pablo Neruda....cuz I already rec'd him to you. You most definitely need to throw something Twi-related in there....it is a must. If I can get Twilight into the White House, you can fucking get Twilight into some cheezy wedding poem.

    PS--If I ever get married again someday....I will never make you do this. I am cool like that.

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  32. @Double_Dippin - you nailed (she said that) the JJ style poem. Holy Moly that is hilarious and I can totally hear her voice reading it too!!

    Choodles - I am sorry. That is all.

    LOL!!

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  33. In my professionl work, I find ways to get a Twilight reference, or snippet of dialogue-language into everything I do.

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  34. LOL...your post & all these responses cracked me the fuck up!!! Please, please post your poem here when you're done.

    I was MOH for my best friend's wedding & I about shit my pants when I had to give my toast. I have no clue what the fuck I said that day *shudders*

    Good luck to you...I'm sure whatever you come up with will be EPIC!!

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  35. Poem inspiration:

    Love is like finding a meadow...Fresh dew that sparkles in the sunlight...
    blah blah blah peen.

    Love that @Miss Tejota actually was useful and suggest Kahlil Gibran and of course always go for the sexy aspect of Pablo Neruda.

    I really hope Choodles punches you in the twat for naming her Choodles

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  36. Write Edward's love letter to you, JJ.
    That would be all wild-flowery and mushy. He'd an old-fashioned kind of guy.

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  37. FIRST!

    *snort* Good luck with that. Can't wait to hear how on earth *you* a) talk mushy about love and b) manage to be subtle. About Twilight, or anything really.

    w/v: plorn. Work that into the poem.

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