Tuesday, February 15, 2011

TK Does Forks

I have an announcement. I hope you're all sitting down.

I am a prissy bitch.


I like things a certain way—my way. So when my blog sisters announced that there would be a Forks 2011 trip, I immediately tried to reserve my room at the Four Seasons. Um, did you know there is no Four Seasons in Forks? There's not even one in Port Angeles! WTF?! If the Four Seasons courtesy car isn't going to drive me to the Saks, who is? There's no Saks either?! Are you shitting me? I thought Forks was in America.

All is not lost. I can stay in any four star hotel. As long as they have a concierge, 24 hour room service and fluffy white robes, I'm good to go.

Er, someone misspelled "hotel." Is the day spa located out back? I don't see it in the picture.

I guess they took the Bose iPod dock off the nightstand while they photographed the room. There better be a mini bar or I'll be on a plane faster than you can say "Jacob bottoms."

I'm a big girl. I can tuck and roll with this. I went through some of the pics from last year and realized that most of you went outside. Like, in nature. Where the elements are. I've researched this and found that there is no central air and heat outside. How am I supposed to breathe? I have no equipment for this. Having recently lived through Snowmagaddon, I thought this would be a good time to find all-weather shoes. What I found was frightening.

Death first.

Okay, I'm going to have to figure out shoes later. In the meantime, I've bought a flannel shirt. It's a little lumberjack chic, but it's a starting point. Baby steps.

My shirt is at least cuter than this. It will still find its final resting place in the Forks Motel trashcan.

I went shopping with AGirlintheSouth this past weekend. She gave me some tips for navigating the Pacific Northwest, aka "Survival Training." I planned on buying my entire Forks trousseau, but started having heart palpitations while looking at lumpy sweaters so she gave me permission to just buy a rustic bracelet instead. Rome wasn't built in a day, people. I at least have a little bit of a game plan in place. I'll pick up a wilderness survival kit, remove the water purification tablets, solar blanket and knife and replace it with lip gloss, a compact and foldable flats.

I can do this. I think. Probably. Maybe. Thank goodness there's a Nordstrom in Forks.

35 comments:

  1. FIRST AGAIN! I need a life.

    Good things to know if you're prissy:
    - It's not humid in Forks. At least, it wasn't last year, when it didn't rain a drop, and surely our luck will hold out again, right?
    - It smells good there. For serious.
    - They have lots of liquor. You'll pnever even notice that you're passing out in a motel bed and not on your silk sheets on your tempur-pedic California king next to your air purifier.
    - It's a good excuse to buy some really awesome boots. Add skinny jeans (which we know will look good on your skinny ass) and a cute sweater and voila.

    Above all - WE'LL BE THERE. What's wrong with you - we aren't enough or something?

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  2. Yeah. Um, you better check your reservation closely. Not all of the rooms at the Forks Motel have air conditioning. It may or may not be needed, but I don't take chances with stuff like that.

    Last year, we bought new rain jackets and waterproof boots for Forks, and the weather was beautiful the entire time. The guy at the welcome center told me they would probably have rain for 40 straight days after we left town!

    And Nordstroms? Sure! Right on the main street - within walking distance of the Forks Motel!

    I can't wait!

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  3. You are so fucked. I can't wait to document this every step of the way.

    It's going to be awesome.

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  4. What Jenny said. ;D Smile pretty for the video camera, prissy girl!

    BTW...the Seattle Nordstrom (which is a mere 3 1/2 hours away) IS their flagship store....so, there's that.

    And I WILL make 2 hour roundtrip runs to Port Angeles for Starbucks with you. ;D That's love, biAtch.

    Mwah!

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  5. You're saved! Forks Outfitters has a shoe department AND an espresso bar. Or machine... Um, I am sure it will be fine... They probably have that fancy custom-made lady-ware you like so much, too! They do come with buttoned flaps on the back seat, right???

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  6. Bwahahaha!! I guess this means your never gonna come see me in my lil' redneck corner of nor cal huh? My town, although much larger, is very similar to Forks except we have Starbucks but the nearest Nordstroms is 1.5 hours away. Giod newd about Forks is that the liquor flows freely & some of the rustic local boys are pretty hawt in their plaid shirts. Surely that will make up for the lack of room service. Although, considering your fine ass, you could probably talk a few of them into providing a Starbucks delivery to your "hotel" room.

    See you in Forks...I'll be the one who doesn't seem out of place. :)

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  7. A Nordstroms in FOrks? Um....

    You'll be fine. Like STY said, the Forks Outfitters has it all, and the espresso bar is pretty good! Just don't eat the chicken fingers or drink the apple juice at the place across the street from the Fork Motel. I got diarrhea. Bad. Maybe that's what I get for guzzling apple juice like it was going out of style. Didn't stop me from downing about 4 HUGE Vodka tonics that night...hey, Vodka kills everything, right?

    So excited you're going. You're going to have a blast. Trust.

    xo J

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  8. Okay this trip sounds better and better. TK is going to risk her comfort to hand out with us ( why am I having flashes of Overboard with Goldie Hawn) I cant wait to meet you all.

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  9. hang out **

    :facepalm:::

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  10. I can't wait to girl pile on TK at 6am every morning, right after STY and I girl pile on JJ. It's tradition.

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  11. This is going to be priceless!!!! Muhahaha....

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  12. Wait...you mean there isn't a Starbucks in Forks?! Oh hell...guess I'll be living on vodka and jello shots that I am determined to make in the motel room.

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  13. Awwww, I saw that picture of the Forks Motel and got all misty-eyed. 17foreverlisa, Mrs P and CullenaryCursor, I can see our room! And TwiredJen was next door and Mama_Cougar, LivingWithEdward and DangrDafne a few more doors down... I miss everyone and am so bummed I can't go again!

    @All - if you're thinking about going on this trip but not sure yet cause you don't know anyone, DO IT!! You will have the most fabulous time and meet the best ladies ever!!

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  14. @Myg--I've never been able to sleep past 5. I'll see you first.

    @STY--Did you really suggest I shop at some place with the word "outfitters" in the name? *hair flip*

    You are all really scaring me.

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  15. Just so you all know, the Twilight lounge is not open anymore, but there's that great bar down the road that will cater, I'm sure! Oh, and TK, PLEASE don't wear flannel. We will know you are a tourist. Washingtonians have evolved!!

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  16. TK - think of it as visiting a quaint third-world country with traditional native costumes and quirky customs.

    Aka jeans, sweater,rain jacket and boots. The NW uniform. Add moss as needed. Drink copious amounts of Vitamin R to keep up your strength and don't feed the animals.

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  17. The Forks Outfitter store was awesome. In addition to very cheap Twilight merchandise, they will make sure that you don't look like a tourist when you go. They really do have a good selection for a small town in the middle of nowhere.

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  18. Who needs a Starbucks when you've got the Mocha Mobile! That place rocked!

    Oh, TK... I can't wait to see you tromping around in nature. You do realize there are animals out there that will eat you, right? Bring pepper spray...or a gun.

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  19. I cannot wait for the DVD "How Forks Survived Texas Katherine." It'll be amazing. There will be a YouTube Sensation when they wonder why there was a 4 day rainbow over the Forks Motel. They'll never know it was shining out your ass!

    I kid, I kid. All else fails, you can just pretend STY & VitR are your concierge and send them out for liquor and coffee. Just tell them I said it was okay.

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  20. Oh man! I thought I was bad with my "I don't camp. I have to shower. Every. Day." LOL!

    You'll have so much fun you'll forget about all that other stuff! I can't wait to meet you now too!!

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  21. Oh, one little tip.

    Don't get too close to the ocean. Don't get caught staring whistfully into the horizon. Even if it seems like most of the waves are just tickling your feet innocently. Even if you've got the cutest pair of rain boots keeping your toes dry and warm. Even if you're only a few feet from shore and everyone is JUST behind you.

    Why you ask? Because the ocean is fucking bastard that will throw a rogue wave and nearly sweep you out to sea. You'll end up frantically trying to back to shore as the water level keeps rising. You'll trip because of the current and the little pebbles underfoot makes it like trying to run in quick sand. Then, you'll heriocally throw your arms up in the air, because if the ocean is going to get you, it sure as shit isn't going to get your camera. This last action will throw your balance off further until you nearly faceplant into Pacific. Until, ONE (just one btw *glares at 17foreverlis, Twilove Sue, Mrs.P* ;) )friend comes to your aid.

    Or something like that. Not that that happened to me or anything.

    Watch that ocean, nature's a bitch.

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  22. Boots for when you walk thru the HOH forest.

    Jacket for rain or wind.

    Hat to hold your hair. It can be chic.

    Sun glasses for when the sun does come out.

    Flask for anytime!

    @JJ muhahaha!
    @LKW a gun
    @STY Forks Outfitters is AWESOME!
    @CullenaryCurser NEVA point your po-po at the ocean! My Hawaiian mama told me that cause I was drinkink ocean water on the rocks too! YUCK!

    TexasKat YOU WILL HAVE AN AWESOME TIME! FOR SERIOUS!!

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  23. I can't wait until this trip! I might be following you around the entire time because it seems like you're going to be the entertainment. Like the girls from that movie "Troop Beverly Hills"

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  24. Holy Fuck. Prissy bitch indeed! : ) But I've always enjoyed a bitch who can put an adjective in front of who they are. I've been described as a fun bitch. However, my 15 year old today just described me a bitch. Period. No adjective. What the hell are they teaching them in school?!?

    Moving on.... I almost think I might join the trip this year. You all are so much fun online and the stories of actually making real friends didn't scare me as much as I thought it would. We'll see...

    wv: dicathed. Why yes, there will be a dic at my hed later. Thank you wv fortune cookie...

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  25. I cannot bloody wait for this trip!!! Wooohoooo!!

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  26. Um, TK, if you recall my 'camping' trips last year, you'll know you're in good company. I don't like cold or wet or even nature, really. I plan to sit in the room with my wine IV drip and imagine how pretty and Twilighty it all is. Out there. In nature.

    Also, these coffee shops sound great but I need a coffee maker within 6 feet of the bed in the morning. I can even bring my own flavored creamer cuz I'm flexible! But I don't do 5 or 6 or any AM, really. See you all in Forks!!

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  27. I can't wait to take TK on a hike in the Hoh....I wonder which stiletto boots are her hiking boots.........

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  28. Listen TK - you think you're gonna look / feel out of place?

    Just think of me. I'll be the one with the funny accent and fighting jet lag.

    But I wouldn't miss this for the world. Just gotta break the news to hubs... :-o

    CC x

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  29. TK you are amazing and you will be fine. We will all take care of you ;) don't you worry ;)

    Chloe_Cougar you are going to make the trip??? I am soooo excited!!! woo hoo!!

    And I ask the same as My After Car... Aren't we a good enough draw for you to travel to Forks??

    We love you :)

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  30. LMAO! HonoluluGirl and I shared a room for Forks 2010. When we checked in she looked around and said "why did you let me do this?" We wouldn't put our bags on the floor in the motel and tried not to touch anything. God the things we will do for Twilight. And yes I hate all things nature related or less than luxury and still did this trip.
    I have our trip stuff up on my blog and also a link to where I would have liked to stay. There is Westin or Nordstrom but we survived. The closest thing is a very fancy bed and breakfast in Sequim but it's far enough away you'll get snubbed as the prissy bitch for sure.
    Have a good time - just don't worry about what handbag to bring or what to wear ;)

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  31. A Nordstroms in FOrks? Um....

    You'll be fine. Like STY said, the Forks Outfitters has it all, and the espresso bar is pretty good! Just don't eat the chicken fingers or drink the apple juice at the place across the street from the Fork Motel. I got diarrhea. Bad. Maybe that's what I get for guzzling apple juice like it was going out of style. Didn't stop me from downing about 4 HUGE Vodka tonics that night...hey, Vodka kills everything, right?

    So excited you're going. You're going to have a blast. Trust.

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  32. Bwahahaha!! I guess this means your never gonna come see me in my lil' redneck corner of nor cal huh? My town, although much larger, is very similar to Forks except we have Starbucks but the nearest Nordstroms is 1.5 hours away. Giod newd about Forks is that the liquor flows freely & some of the rustic local boys are pretty hawt in their plaid shirts. Surely that will make up for the lack of room service. Although, considering your fine ass, you could probably talk a few of them into providing a Starbucks delivery to your "hotel" room.

    See you in Forks...I'll be the one who doesn't seem out of place. :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. What Jenny said. ;D Smile pretty for the video camera, prissy girl!

    BTW...the Seattle Nordstrom (which is a mere 3 1/2 hours away) IS their flagship store....so, there's that.

    And I WILL make 2 hour roundtrip runs to Port Angeles for Starbucks with you. ;D That's love, biAtch.

    Mwah!

    ReplyDelete
  34. You are so fucked. I can't wait to document this every step of the way.

    It's going to be awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Yeah. Um, you better check your reservation closely. Not all of the rooms at the Forks Motel have air conditioning. It may or may not be needed, but I don't take chances with stuff like that.

    Last year, we bought new rain jackets and waterproof boots for Forks, and the weather was beautiful the entire time. The guy at the welcome center told me they would probably have rain for 40 straight days after we left town!

    And Nordstroms? Sure! Right on the main street - within walking distance of the Forks Motel!

    I can't wait!

    ReplyDelete

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