Unfortunately, every once in awhile I come across something in the books and movies that gives me pause, causes me to wrinkle my nose is distaste and possibly lob the entire book across the room (here's looking at you, Breaking Dawn). Maybe its something blatantly obvious (this goes for the movies mostly, but also applies to that fucking demon spawn known as Renesmee) but usually it's something totally random and really inconsequential that drives me fucking nuts. The exception to this is imprinting, which is a big part of the saga and makes me crazy and kind of creeped out.
The Cullens welcome Renesmee to the world. Jacob declares his undying affections shortly after he stops puking.
The irony of this post was that I had every intention of bitching about a scene from the Eclipse movie, but something else irked me even more. When I got home, I had to go drop the kids off at the pool and naturally picked up my trusty Twilight novel to pass the time while I passed the gas.
I have read this book more times than I care to count. Yet never before had I noticed something in a particularly important passage--when Bella is confronted by the very mean man who plans on doing dastardly, horrible things to her. Maybe it was the prospect of the sparkly, brooding hotness of a vampire coming to the rescue that overshadowed this particular paragraph. Or maybe I've blocked it from my memory. Whatever the reason, there I was--skirt hiked up, tights bunched down around my knees--thumping a book angrily against the wall and wondering just what the fuck Stephenie Meyer was thinking when she wrote this:
"Hey there!" one of them called as they passed, and he had to be talking to me since no one else was around. I glanced up automatically. Two of them had paused, the other two were slowing. The closest, a heavyset, dark-haired man in his early twenties, seemed to be the one who had spoken. He was wearing a flannel shirt open over a dirty t-shirt, cut-off jeans, and sandals. He fjkldjoe odiufnl dl;ijnre...Sorry, can't remember what the last sentence was because my vision was blurred by a sea of red rage.
Stephenie Meyer dressed a possibly evil, would-be rapist in a pair of fucking jorts and sandals.
I know, I know. This shouldn't be a big deal. I get that, really I do. But when I'm mentally conjuring up images of the characters, I expect someone as threatening as this guy was supposed to be NOT dressed like some fucking hippie in Birkenstocks and mother fucking jorts.
Seriously, I always had this sort of mental picture:
Maybe wearing a pair of these:
But after tonight, that image has forever changed. Instead of a dangerous man, who Bella is prepared to stand up against, I see this dude:
As far as footwear goes, sandals are the least threatening footwear she could have chosen to attire the "bad guy." Okay, that's not true. The only thing worse would have been a pair of bunny slippers or something.
Suddenly, I feel like the whole scene has lost its edge. Edward rolling up in his Volvo, all growling and menacing and yummy seems like overkill.
Bella should have just stepped on the dude's foot. I've stubbed my toes before and it felt like a thousand deaths. I'm pretty sure that our sandal-footed thug would have at least winced long enough for Bella to suck in that big ol' breath and scream. His goddamned toes are exposed, for fuck sake.
Look, I know I'm being a nit-picky jerk, but I just can't help it. I was just as appalled when SM wrote Edward into a sleeveless fucking button down for the hike, or dressed Bella up in a long khaki skirt for her first meeting with his parents.
And let's not forget about this (even if it wasn't Stephenie Meyer's fault):
I mean, seriously, let's face it - if some dude showed up in a speedo and pool shoes looking to mug/rape/fuck-you-up wouldn't you kind of laugh? The intimidation factor just isn't there, ya know? As shallow as it is, outfits matter when it comes to shit like this. What do you think?