Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Hidden Gems and Turds of Twilight

I like to think of the Twilight saga as a comfort food of sorts, or maybe a blanket/article of clothing/porn magazine that I turn to when I'm feeling blue/stressed/homicidal or just plain off. It's something you read not just because you like it, but because it feels safe and homey. Shitty day at work? Read Twilight. Getting over a break-up? Pop Eclipse into the DVD (actually, maybe New Moon instead?), curl up in your Edward blanket and be prepared to feel better. If the Twilight saga is keeping you from kicking puppies and small children after a bad day of work, then more power to you. Same here.

Wine: The Other Comfort Food...

Unfortunately, every once in awhile I come across something in the books and movies that gives me pause, causes me to wrinkle my nose is distaste and possibly lob the entire book across the room (here's looking at you, Breaking Dawn). Maybe its something blatantly obvious (this goes for the movies mostly, but also applies to that fucking demon spawn known as Renesmee) but usually it's something totally random and really inconsequential that drives me fucking nuts. The exception to this is imprinting, which is a big part of the saga and makes me crazy and kind of creeped out.

The Cullens welcome Renesmee to the world. Jacob declares his undying affections shortly after he stops puking.


The irony of this post was that I had every intention of bitching about a scene from the Eclipse movie, but something else irked me even more. When I got home, I had to go drop the kids off at the pool and naturally picked up my trusty Twilight novel to pass the time while I passed the gas.

I have read this book more times than I care to count. Yet never before had I noticed something in a particularly important passage--when Bella is confronted by the very mean man who plans on doing dastardly, horrible things to her. Maybe it was the prospect of the sparkly, brooding hotness of a vampire coming to the rescue that overshadowed this particular paragraph. Or maybe I've blocked it from my memory. Whatever the reason, there I was--skirt hiked up, tights bunched down around my knees--thumping a book angrily against the wall and wondering just what the fuck Stephenie Meyer was thinking when she wrote this:
"Hey there!" one of them called as they passed, and he had to be talking to me since no one else was around. I glanced up automatically. Two of them had paused, the other two were slowing. The closest, a heavyset, dark-haired man in his early twenties, seemed to be the one who had spoken. He was wearing a flannel shirt open over a dirty t-shirt, cut-off jeans, and sandals. He fjkldjoe odiufnl dl;ijnre...
Sorry, can't remember what the last sentence was because my vision was blurred by a sea of red rage.

Cut-off jeans.


Stephenie Meyer dressed a possibly evil, would-be rapist in a pair of fucking jorts and sandals.

I know, I know. This shouldn't be a big deal. I get that, really I do. But when I'm mentally conjuring up images of the characters, I expect someone as threatening as this guy was supposed to be NOT dressed like some fucking hippie in Birkenstocks and mother fucking jorts.

Seriously, I always had this sort of mental picture:

I eat bone-marrow for breakfast and floss with the guts of my latest victims...

Maybe wearing a pair of these:

But after tonight, that image has forever changed. Instead of a dangerous man, who Bella is prepared to stand up against, I see this dude:

Hey, let's hug it out and go dance to Phish, man. Grooooovay!!!

Wearing these:

As far as footwear goes, sandals are the least threatening footwear she could have chosen to attire the "bad guy." Okay, that's not true. The only thing worse would have been a pair of bunny slippers or something.

Suddenly, I feel like the whole scene has lost its edge. Edward rolling up in his Volvo, all growling and menacing and yummy seems like overkill.

Bella should have just stepped on the dude's foot. I've stubbed my toes before and it felt like a thousand deaths. I'm pretty sure that our sandal-footed thug would have at least winced long enough for Bella to suck in that big ol' breath and scream. His goddamned toes are exposed, for fuck sake.

Look, I know I'm being a nit-picky jerk, but I just can't help it. I was just as appalled when SM wrote Edward into a sleeveless fucking button down for the hike, or dressed Bella up in a long khaki skirt for her first meeting with his parents.

And let's not forget about this (even if it wasn't Stephenie Meyer's fault):

I mean, seriously, let's face it - if some dude showed up in a speedo and pool shoes looking to mug/rape/fuck-you-up wouldn't you kind of laugh? The intimidation factor just isn't there, ya know? As shallow as it is, outfits matter when it comes to shit like this. What do you think?


  1. Maybe she was trying to get us to remember the whole Seattle Grunge movement? I go to Seattle often, and there are lots of creeptacular guys wearing the outfit she described. Though, I am at a loss for an explaination on the sandals. I haven't seen many bums in sandals. Lame.

  2. Cullenary Curser (too lazy to sign in to her blogger accnt)March 29, 2011 at 11:04 PM

    Seriously??!?!? How hell did I miss this???

    The intimidation factor is zilch. My seven pound cat is just as intimidating.

  3. I wast just bashing SMs fashion (dis)taste in a comment on the previous post. It's so funny to come here and read this now. I was even going to mention the sleevless button down but figured it was obvious.

    I did notice the sandals, but automatically made my mind see some boots instead. I do that with all the twi books. My mind is programed to make up the wardrobe in my head and to completely ignore any and all references to clothing. I have a healthier relationship with my twi books that way.

  4. All these horrible clothing choices she made for the book got me thinking..

    "What the hell is in Stephenie's closet? And what the hell does she dress her kids in?"

    I'm picturing a bad family Xmas photo with matching snowmen vests

  5. Ok...so I always pictured thus guy to be the redneck in-bred type of rapist, not what you picture at all. But you got SM on the sandals...thats just weird.

    vw: preti...like Rob :)

  6. I don't remember Edward ever wearing clothes in the books, I though he was always naked which made a few chapters a little confusing. My brain may or may not of filtered out some bits and added extra chapters but I cant be sure.

    Ok now on a serious note: Whats wrong with JORTS?

  7. I've blocked all of the descriptions out. It's the easiest way.

    Devil spawn photo - SOOO appropriate for Renes... eww. can't even type it.

  8. Maybe the vile, evil things they were planning to do to Bella were to take her to the nearby thrift store and force her to wear horrible clothing. We all just assumed she was gonna get attacked. Edward saw this and was really pissed cause she dressed bad enough already. Funny the things you miss the first couple (hundred) readings.

    But, yes, it is nice to escape to the comfort of the books.

    @pecker head, LOL at your comment and your screen name.

    WV: crisi = I'm an idiot and I dress bad and am about to get a fashion intervention from guys in jorts and sandals!!!

  9. Oh, Jesus -- NOBODY in Pt. Angeles wears cut-offs ! Too fucking COLD! Unless maybe they're from Seattle and waiting for the ferry to Victoria.

  10. I love it that each time I read the books, I pick up something I overlooked before.

    Wait. Does that say I'm stupid because I missed stuff the first ten times I read them? O.o.

  11. @OlyPeninsulaGal--Maybe that's what made him scary. Bella thought she was about to get kidnapped by the Port Angeles branch of the Polar Bear Club. Rawr!

  12. Jeebus this made me giggle... my favorite line might be this caption -
    "I eat bone-marrow for breakfast and floss with the guts of my latest victims..."

    I love you JJ.

    And my GAWD the fashion nightmares just keep going and going. I bed the team on WNTW would have a fucking field day with the entire cast.

  13. Huh. I've read Twilight too many times to count, and never once did that description register in my brain. I always pictured him wearing black jeans with greasy hair and muscles. Like The Situation, but creepier (if that exists?).

  14. @Peckerhead and @Likeitlemony - LMAO! Your comments made me snort.

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who never noticed this nonsense before...

    SM's family pictures must look like Awkward Family Photos or something.

  15. I'm just so laid back when it comes to READING what people wear. It IS when the movie doesn't compare that gets my hackles up. The only bitch I have about that stuff, is plaid flannel isn't worn much anymore here, and yet it was ALL OVER the TW movie.

  16. It is ABSOLUTLEY FANTASTIC that you noticed this. What makes it even better is that you noticed it while you were taking a dumper. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    I too have read the books SO MANY TIMES and I've never noticed that part. I think maybe because I didn't care what the "guy that was going to rape Bella" was wearing. All I cared about was Edward coming to get her. LOL! Nowadays if I sit down to read those books I tend to really skim read over a lot of the parts I don't really care about. :-)

  17. Dude, thank fuck SM didn't put that douchebag in bunny slippers. I'd be fucking terrified if some guy came at me and was in bunny slippers. You know that he wouldn't just hide the body parts, he'd eat your liver and wear his own version of a bad Bella wig...

  18. What the fuck, sandals? Seriously? I've read this book at least a dozen times and swear I have never read that. *blinded by Edward's amazingness*

    I wonder if one of his the would-be rapists friends was wearing crocs? Or maybe the bookstore that Bella bypassed is just a front for some radical hippy rapist group. :0

  19. I've read Twilight so many times the front cover is falling off, and am proud to say that I did pick up on the complete asstard-iness of Edward in a sleeveless buttondown for the hike, yet somehow I have totally missed the rapist in sandals. WTF is the matter with SM....wait, don't answer that....I'm beginning to think that every day in SM's house is like an Ugly Sweater Party. We need an intervention *cue music from What Not to Wear*

  20. The outfits in the books always made me think that SM was hitting the crack pipe a little too hard (a suspicion that was confirmed by the name "Renesmee"). But while I'd noted the sandals, it never occurred to me that they're not exactly proper would-be rapist attire. I think the whole saga should've been given to Clinton & Stacey before publication.

  21. I'm envisioning the police report...
    Man in his late teens, early twenties. Sandal clad, knees exposed. Heavy set. Hairy big toe. Last seen running slowly away from silver Volvo due to sandal restrictions. Might be chaffed in the inner thigh due to an overweight issue and exposed skin. Cutoff jeans were cut uneven, according to female.

  22. Nope seriously did not notice this!! (Although you know I will EVERY time now!)

    What the hell was she thinking?????

  23. I get really nit picky too... I think that's why I've avoided a third read through of the saga. I will then pick up on big scary dudes in jorts and sandals.

    Don't all thugs/would-be-rapists/I'm-gonna-eff-you-up type guys have a uniform?? Black shirt, dark pants (doesn't have to be jeans necessarily), baseball cap/hat to hide their identity??? Coveralls and a Michael Meyers mask, maybe?

    I would not be scared of a guy in jorts and birkenstocks, pretty sure I could take him!

  24. @mrs. P @ TwiBite LMAO. "Running slowly away from Silver Volvo due to sandal restrictions."

    You'd think Alice would have been angrier than Edward about that travesty.

  25. lurve this post, especially the alien pic of Edwardella (I refuse to acknowledge the other name). SM has a seriously questionable fashion sense. I hope she didn't come up with clothing ideas based on her husbands wardrobe.
    I am so thankful for my video MP3 player, because I often will pop Twilight on in the car after I've had a crappy day, and it works better than Xanax at relieving my anxiety. It also keeps me from drowning myself in Ben and Jerry's Phish Food every time i get upset. Who needs a hug from mom when you can pop Twilight into the DVD player?

  26. I remember noticing this on about my 6th read...I paused and mouthed "wtf?" Really? Should we be surprised by this? We joke about the characters suffering through bad wigs and random fashion in the movies, but christ, they would have looked just awful if they'd dressed them as Stephanie described. Picture Bella's Eclipse "Party" outfit...yup, like that, the entire way though each movie. Really Steph, really?!

    xo J

    xo J

  27. I started redressing them long, long ago. I did watch an 80's movie the other night...Less than zero, and behold a guy was wearing a sleeveless button-up shirt. Gag-me with a spoon it was grody.

  28. I love Breaking Dawn. I love what Renesmee represents. I hate the name Renesmee. I hate SM's wardrobe choices and at least 1/2 of the wardrobe choices of the movie costume person.

    I stopped even paying attention to what SM said they were wearing when Bella said her carry on was a parka that felt like a hazmat suit. After that SM's clothing description went something like this in my head "la-la-la-la-la".

    @likeitlemony - I think Bella and this dude were in sync with their wardrobe. Maybe that's why he started chasing her. Maybe he wanted to ask what thrift store she shopped at and needed fashion advice.

    Did anyone else read the USA Today interview posted today (or was it yesterday) about the little fan meeting Little Brown put together with SM? The interviewer actually said she's looking more Hollywood and less suburban mom and described her outfit. Sounds like she's maybe getting a clue in that department.

  29. Mrs. P LMAO!!!! Awesome comment.

    I never noticed this description - I am sure my pulse was pounding as I was scared for Bella and what the bad guys were wearing just didn't matter - they were bad guys! Just thank goodness that is one item the movies didn't follow LOL!! Although it might have distracted us from the other fashion issues :)

  30. AHHHHH The Khaki Skirt... I cringed over and over again after projectile vomiting and throwing the book across the room.

    Thanks for reminding me.

  31. I cant tell you how badly I cringe when she discribes the characters clothing. For me, the worst choice outside of Bellas khaki skirt, blue blouse, and ponytail, was Edwards beige leather jacket paired with the ivory sweater turtleneck. Whaaaaaaa????

    No, now when I read it, I skip right over the fucking horrific fashion abortions, and mentally afix my style on them. For instance, Edward... I picture him wearing worn blue jeans, torn in a few area's with age, and a white vneck tshirt, black leather jacket, and black boots. Yeah, that's better. Bad ass Edward is better than pussy Edward.

  32. AHHHHH The Khaki Skirt... I cringed over and over again after projectile vomiting and throwing the book across the room.

    Thanks for reminding me.

  33. If your gonna rape a bitch, its best you sport some sandals.


Comments are our life now. Leave one!