Monday, March 28, 2011

If I Can't Have Alice, I'll Settle for Clinton Kelly.

I don't watch a ton of television. But I've always has a soft spot for make-over shows. In particular, "What Not to Wear" has been a long-time fave of mine. The hosts are snarky but never condescending, and for the most part, everyone ends up looking amazaballs and virtually unrecognizable from their former frumpy/slutty/goth/outdated selves when it's all said and done.

Judge me. Please, judge me!

Over the years, my love for this show has resulted in massive wardrobe purges of huge, over-sized and shapeless sweaters, clunky, square-heeled shoes, too-young-for-me logo tees (Twilight excluded, natch), anything in an odd-sized number (helloooo, shopping in the juniors department) and all garments with elastic waistbands. I forced myself to stop pretending that some of my favorite garments didn't have a tiny stain here or a missing stitch there... I've donated more than my share of "I Give Up" dresses (you know the one - it is shapeless and long and has a weird floral print and you convinced yourself it looks ok on you) and a slew of long, rectangular skirts made from bad fabric.

I spent a season or two a few years back really putting some effort into what I was wearing. I regularly wore heels with trousers, snappy blazers with dark-rinse jeans, and actually tried to accessorize with a nice piece of jewelery and an occasional scarf (note: I am terrible with accessories and usually end up taking off whatever it is I've put on out of sheer frustration and uncertainty). I pushed the boundary of my fashion comfort zone by buying things that were not black or gray. I used to pick out my work outfit the night before; things were ironed and shoes were polished. I shopped as if Clinton Kelly was on one shoulder and Stacey London was on the other. My efforts didn't go unnoticed; I got a lot of compliments in the process. And it was good.

But then I got lazy. I remembered that I hate ironing. And drycleaning is expensive. Heels can be uncomfortable and changing purses frequently is a pain in the ass (and almost guaranteed to make me leave something I need at home). The final nail in my semi-stylish coffin came when my company changed their dress code to be "casual dress" all year long. Since then, I've pretty much been wearing the same jeans and sweaters repeatedly all winter. I'm in a bit of a rut, to put it mildly, albeit not as much of a rut as the guy in IT who wears the same pair of sweatpants to work every day (note to you, guy in IT: buy some jeans).

I googled "sloppy IT guy sweatpants" and look who popped up.
Um, I'm having a problem with my hard drive...please help???

Maybe it's the end-of-winter doldrums; maybe it's that feeling I get towards the end of every season where I feel like I hate every garment I own and am craving something new... But then I break out my clothes that have been in storage for a few months and wonder what happened to all the good stuff. In fact, I am a total failure when it comes to shopping. I buy random stuff on sale that doesn't go with anything else I own and then wonder why I can't put an actual outfit together.

My own lack of style has not stopped me from judging the style of others, though. I have told JJ many many times that one of these days, she will be forced to defend my boring jeans-and-black-top wearing ass from some unsuspecting person who has went off on me after I wasn't able to help myself from giving my alcohol-lubricated unsolicited opinion on their litany of fashion faux-pas... After all, I have an idea of how I SHOULD be dressing, even if I am not doing it. Thus far I have managed to keep my big yap properly shut, but it's only a matter of time until the right fashion disaster pushes me over the brink.

It won't be you I accost, but it should be.

While I have definitely slacked in the dressing well department lately, I shared a good chuckle over What Not to Wear host Clinton Kelly's uber-snarky tome "Oh No She Didn't," which Sister Snarky bestowed on me this past Christmas. We had a few self-deprecating laughs over our most tragic fashion transgressions, past and present - scrunchies, clunky shoes (referred to as "Monica Shoes" in the book with a nod to "Friends" - although "Elaine Shoes" would have been just as appropriate), VPL, platform flip-flops - sadly, the list does go on... It's actually a little depressing how many of Clinton's fashion "don'ts" I have committed. I am clearly still a work in progress.

Yes, I did. You might have, too...

Nevertheless, because I have made my way through this book and absorbed - I swear! - all 100 errors and sworn on a stack of Women's Wear Dailys not to commit them again (admittedly, I still own scrunchies but they are for the sole purpose of getting my hair out of my face to wash), I'd like to pass it along to one of you. I can't be the only person who is capable of benefiting from the sage, sassy advice from a gay man who is all too willing to inform me that my wardrobe needs the occasional tweak or perhaps another full-on self-imposed intervention. Plus he includes his very own haiku about Xanax (aka "the good pill," as opposed to bad kind on that sweater you keep meaning to get rid of but can't seem to part with...) -

You take the edge off
Fewer calories than wine
Generic's nice too.

So share a fashion "Don't" you've overcome - or need to! - or a tale of your own wardrobe maladies, malfunctions, or mishaps in the comments by midnight Pacific time on Tuesday 3/29 and I'll pick a random winner by Wednesday night. Winner will be notified in the comments and will need to email me their address within 48 hours (ish) so I can get this blatant reminder of my fashion failures awesome book off to a new home. Awesome wardrobe tips also accepted, but know that I am a 10th degree black-belt ninja when it comes to covering my gut. Almost always.

P.S. Dear Sister Snarky, when you read this - and I know you lurk around here! - please don't be insulted. I loved the book, pored over the whole thing and snortled along the way, and am now ready to pay it forward. For better of for worse (note: I am coming for your collection of mid-calf skirts one day). Clinton would be proud. OK, he'd probably prefer that everyone just go out and buy their own damn copy of his book, but you can't have everything.

67 comments:

  1. I live in jeans and flip flops/sandals. I mean I live in Florida so it is kinda forgivable, but I mean I like 360 days out of the year I am wearing jeans. And when I am not I take off whatever I am wearing at earliest convenience and put on jeans and flip flops. I make a horrible girl sometimes.

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  2. I adore Clinton and Stacy. They are truly the best. But I hate the hair guy. He chops off everyone's hair. I don't get why no one is allowed to have long hair with him. I think he's a nazi.

    I actually still like a platform flip flop from time to time but only paired with long boot cut or flared jeans that cover. I think it can be cute. Oh well.

    As far as me with fashion mistakes; all of them. I have some nice stuff that looks put together and then some WTF?! stuff. Strangely I seem to where the WTF?! stuff more. My most common outfit to work is a sweater dress, leggins and Uggs. I look really professional. <--- sarcasm. But, damn, I'm comfy!

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  3. I freaking love Clinton Kelly. I cried when I found out he was gay, because I wanted to marry him. I still crush on him big time though. Also, I want his job - criticizing people for pay, plus looking good? Win!

    I actually bought jorts last year. On purpose. Because of Kstew. I was trying to imitate her style. But they aren't acid-washed or cargo style... they're dark wash, slim fitting (very slim fitting) and rolled just above the knee. I freaking love them. So, if you want to judge me for that, then heck yeah I'll take a copy of the book!

    PS - They make headbands now. Throw the scrunchies away!

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  4. I just have to ask my daughter and she will tell me what not to wear! If she is around, I have to pass inspection before I can go out.

    My cute skull & crossbones burn-out top - I'm dressing like a 14 year old.
    My studded leather cuffs - OMG! (Ok, so I only wore those to the Tool concert last summer. But I still like them!)

    Seriously, my worst efforts were the elastic waists. On jeans. That still makes my shudder.

    I don't do accessories much - other than earrings -and maybe bracelets-- but I bought 2 Indian scarves in Vancouver which look cool and will always make me think of Jasper.

    If I could do anything I wanted (and had the body) I would dress as a cross between Bellatrix LeStrange and Stevie Nicks. A gothic hippy?

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  5. I used to wear platform flip-flops but when I started walking a lot in them I would trip and fall down like a big sack of potatoes. It's sad to admit that you are not graceful enough to wear flip-flops without falling over.

    Note: I have thrown out all my *platform* flip-flops but keep a few pairs of regular ones plus my FitFlops handy. Forgive me, Clinton?

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  6. I have to admit that I'm a hoodie lover, now and forever. And I love to buy my hoodies from Tillys, which is hysterical because I always run into my 18 year old nephew and his friends fighting over the last pair of skinny purple jeans.

    I wonder what Stacy and Clinton say about skinny jeans on dudes, especially bright colored ones

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  7. Oh, and I still have some maternity pants that I refuse to get rid of because they were so COMFORTABLE!!! Nobody has to know, I just yank really hard on that string and hope they don't fall down

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  8. @STY: how do you like those fit flops? I know some people who refuse to where anything else and I wonder if they are crazy. Do they have any real benifits to wearing them?

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  9. Bahhha STY I loved this! I too used to wear platform flip flops. Hello, I'm 5'2". However, I now realize they made me look like I was on stilts. Sweet.

    My job for a good 10+ years required me to wear a uniform suit, and trust me when I say it was hardly flattering. Think of "Mom Jeans" in the form of slacks. You know the kind...your teacher wore them. The waist went up to just under her boobs and it looked like she was 5 mos pregnant, but "carrying low."

    Anyhoo, I now wear a mix of things to work. If I don't have a site inspection or meeting, then I can wear nice jeans and dress them up...if I have something going on, then slacks and a sweater or collared shirt will do. But I'm so damn boring. AND I can't coordinate. So I end up buying random pieces that are super cute, but have nothing to wear with them, OR have no clue what to wear them with. I also have a fear of accessories. And, I'm practically a midget, so every damn pair of pants I buy, have to be altered...

    Anyoo this is comment lame..I'm lame. Moving on....

    xo J

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  10. Gee. I don't think I even own anything that would pass his inspection! Even if I did, I wouldn't wear it!

    I'm fortunate enough to get away with wearing jeans to work, so I rarely wear anything nicer. If my boss is away, I'll wear a t-shirt or a sweatshirt too.

    What. A. Loser. Thanks, STY, for making me think about this. Now I'm depressed!

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  11. UMMMMMMMMM....................i still own a pair of stirup pants!!

    (at least they are black)

    yes i need that book!!!!!!!

    and WTF??? clinton is GAY????? i thought he had a wife, where the hell have i been????

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  12. We love What Not Wear in our house - even Mr. Bitch who needs to go on the show - badly. (I wish they'd do men again).

    In fact, many of my friends need a fashion intervention. But I would never nominate them since I would wouldn't be caught dead on tv. I would make them over myself, but they don't let me.

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  13. Being from Oz I have no idea who this guy is but I would be very reluctant to take fashion advice from a man with an argyle jumper (sweater? vest?)tucked into his jeans. Just sayin......

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  14. Holy fuckballs, I think I wrote that post!
    Ok clearly not, cause it wouldn't have been half as funny or made any semblance of sense, but I am 100% there with you. Love What Not to Wear! Have discussed the possibility of creating deliberately bad nomination videos with friends to get one of us on the show. Which is laughable because I wouldn't have to fake it very much. I secretly also try to plot ways to hide my truly precious fashion impaired items so they wouldn’t get trashed. I think I would cry if I saw my Converse Chuck Taylors go in a trash can.
    Though in my fashion coma, I cite the fashion gods Clinton and Stacy if I think it'll get me any leeway. "Stacy said you can mix brown and black. Its very Yves Saint Laurant 1976 damn it!"

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  15. i love Clinton and Stacey. and i am still in complete denial over whether he is gay or not, because i so badly want them to get married. *delusional*

    my big fashion no-no is fake ugg boots. but i live in alaska, so no one cares, and um hello they are "boots" ...sort of. so i refuse to stop wearing them. at least until i return to civilization.

    pssst...my birthday is on thursday. me thinks this book would be a wonderful birthday prezzy. *winkwink*

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  16. My fashion no-no occured early on in life. As a young girl growing up near Redondo Beach, California (because heavens know I can't reveal where I live online), shorts were mandatory wear. And boy did I own some pretty ghastly shorts! Burgundy with white flowers, powder blue, acid washed, redneck-worthy cutoffs, you name it and chances were I had it.

    Now, I haven't worn shorts in over nine years and the reason is because the last time I wore shorts, as a preteen of twelve, I was run over by a car. While I didn't have to go to the hospital, I did have to go to school that day and people were staring at the massive scratches, cuts, and bruises sustained on my lower body.

    This is why I keep my clothing options limited to jeans and pin up-worthy dresses.

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  17. I love that show too! But why is it when you go shopping in the actual world, and you have a budget, and you are top heavy, why do all the shirts look like either tents or they have Winnie the pooh, eeyore or piglet on them. Sometimes country kittens and flowers. Just because I am top heavy does not mean I like to wear Disney 365. WOuld it be so hard fashion people to make the cute tops you make for the 34a crowd for us bigger chested girls?

    PS what is up with my word verification word? It was roofi...what are you girls up to?

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  18. I have no idea if the clothes I wear are fashion faux pas or not. I just try to find things that show off my boobs because they are fantastic and I don't have many more years before they start to get droopy. They once got me free soda, so if showing them off is wrong, I don't want to be right.

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  19. I did own a pair of khakis that were lined with pink flannel in high school...they were really comfy and my sisters bought them for me. They probably figured I would wear anything they suggested (which I did) I know I wore platform flip flops at one point or another and I was always a big fan of the tshirt with a big flannel shirt over top

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  20. omfg, where do i begin? everything i wore in the 80's was a fashion faux pas. stirrup pants, shirt with tails in the back, oversized wanna-be benneton or esprit sweaters. the "prairie" look - for those of you old enough to remember, the limited stores used to have a wanna-be australian line called outback red. long skirts, eyelet trimmed blouses, that kind of frou frou pioneer girl/hollly hobby shit. i can't believe i wore one of those outfits back then! ugh. wtf. oh, and black nylons with white high heels. yeah, i rocked those with my lace gunne sax blouse and tight black skirt.

    in the 90's, my fashion faux pas was oversized plaid shirts and levi's with dirty converse. no thanks to grunge.

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  21. Oh how I've missed thee sty...you crack me up! I recall seeing you in Forks and can't remember a single faux paus. I, on the other hand, spend the spring/summer in jeans, t-shirts & flip flops and winters in t-shirts, hoodies, my chucks & the same pair of jeans (I only own one pair of jeans that fit & wear them until they wear out...yes I know how wrong this is) ***note to TK-Please don't kill me for the next part or the jeans thing.*** and when it gets really cold and/or wet I trade my chucks for my kirkland signature 'uggs'. I'm sure if Stacy & Clinton ever saw me they would just shake their heads because I am such a lost cause. But even if they took pity on me & decided I was worthy of a make over, they'ld have a hard time convincing me I need more than jeans to read fanfic & drool over pics of the precious.

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  22. i love clinton kelly! and that bitch stacy london! i'm a stay at home mom who looks like shit a lot and i fucking love my yoga pants and oversized sweatshirts.
    (its fucking cold as a witches tit here in wi. 30 degrees is the high today!) so i am always in layers. so i'm still in hibernation mode and i like my layers! would i like to dress better? hell yeah! but i'm freezing my ass off and am more comfortable and warm looking like shit!

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  23. Shaving my eyebrows and drawing them back in with a sharpie.



    Middle school was hell.

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  24. I love/hate this show and the hosts. They would tear me and my wardrobe to pieces. Excuse me if my go-to-outfit is jeans, tshirt and flip flops! It's hot in AZ people! Lol

    In my 5th grade school pic I'm wearing bright, orange, overall shorts with a striped orange/white shirt underneath. That shit still haunts me.

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  25. If that's the IT guy, I'll have a hard drive with lots of RAM, please.

    WNTW is a fantastic show. It should be mandatory viewing! I love how all these women fight for their crappy clothes in the beginning and end up having a life changing transformation by the end of the show. It's sad that so many ladies suffer from low self-esteem and think that either they are not worth the effort to look better or attempt to wall themselves off from others by wearing fugly "I give up" clothing.

    The show made me throw out my unflattering clothes and put more effort in to how I look. Even if I'm not going anywhere, I do it because I feel better when I look like I care about myself.

    Did Clinton actually say he was gay? I HATE when people stereotype others and make judgements about them based on their profession.

    It doesn't matter what you wore in the 80's or 90's cause everyone was wearing that at the time. The important thing is that you absolutely don't still wear that crap.

    @Lindsay Rae please say you are joking!

    W/V: whorica (sounds like a cute little nickname for the Twitards)

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  26. OMG, I don't even know where to begin. For the longest time, I couldn't stand any pants that fit snugly around my thighs so I would buy them to fit baggy. I love baggy comfy pants and turtleneck sweaters (fuck you all, it's Maine and it's fucking cold!) I would wear jeans every day if I could get away with it. Lately I've bought just about everything in my wardrobe from Eddie Bauer. I'm not into fancy clothes. And I love my Danskos. LOVE them. I don't wear much else during the winter. And in the summer, flip flops. I have about 12 pairs of flips. I really am a fashion nightmare.

    @caninecologne - I totally remember Outback Red shit at Limited. Yup, I had some of that, but not the prairie look - more of the big shirts and pleated pants! And the grunge, early 90's was one of my favs! I had a ton of big plaid flannel shirts!

    @Lindsay Rae - Ummmm... all I can picture is that episode of Seinfeld when Uncle Leo burned off his eyebrows and Elaine drew them back in for him. Did you look perpetually surprised? Or did you give yourself more of an angry brow?

    PS. The other day, I tried on some bermuda shorts and I happen to be wearing black knee socks - I looked like a fucking lollipop kid. Not shitting you, the shorts and the socks met - no skin showing. Sometimes it sucks being short.

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  27. @Living with Edward - I LOVE the FitFlops. LOVE. If I had the money, I would buy every style they make. Definitely recommend (sorry, Clinton).

    Oh and I also am occasionally baffled by the hair guy's choices... And the one person he recently let keep her long, center-parted hair was a total mistake! I actually get angry when I think the hair makeover is a fail - lol!

    @KG - hi!!! and i totally think they make a great couple too but apparently they only share screen time and aren't even buds in real life. oh well - it works for the show. oh and happy birthday, a little early!

    @Lindsay Rae - Sharpie?!

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  28. @STY, are you talking about Jordan, the 44 yo skater chick? Yeah, the hair didn't look much different than what she walked in with. She wanted edgy and she got basically a shag haircut with a slightly different color. Ted phoned it in that day.

    Nice idea to "pay it forward" btw. I definitely believe in the good karma that generates.

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  29. I freakin love WNTW. I've always wanted to be made over because my sense of style blows. I'm a jeans, v-neck t-shirt, zip-up hoodie, and chucks kinda girl. I wear the occasional cardigan/sweater to change it up a bit. The summer consists of v-neck t-shirt or tank top, capris, and flip flops. This summer I'm going to try and wear more dresses because I hate wearing shorts (thigh rub sucks people!) and I'm sick of being hot and sweaty. It doesn't help that I'm cheap and I hate spending lots of money on clothes. Target and Old Navy are pretty much my best friends because of that! I definitely need a little help from Clinton!! Great post STY! xoxo

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  30. I think my worst fashion crime, at least if we're talking about adulthood, is keeping maternity clothes in my closet long past the time when my kiddos were born.

    I forced myself to give away/donate everything last year because some items just kept popping up in my every day wardrobe. Though I will shamefacedly admit that I still have a couple of tanks/cami's that I sleep in, and I still wear the undies for "that time of the month." But I balance that out with my absolute utter hatred of this new "comfort waistband" elastic waist pant that is popping up in all the stores. No fucking way, I refuse to go there. So unflattering.

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  31. Oh I am sure I have made and do make many fashion mistakes. But oh well. Most of the time I just dress in my "riding" jeans, Tshirts, and a sweatshirt because I go to the barn everyday after work. I don't want to get get horse boogies and mud on my nicer clothes. LOL! So I look pretty awful everyday. :-)

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  32. Even if I don't win I still have to run out and get this book. I love watching What Not to Wear, my cousins love to watch it too and they are only 11 & 13 but they love to criticize their parents clothing choices. Not that I blame them, someone needs to tell my aunt that leather pants are indeed not in style anymore.

    My biggest fashion mistake is yoga pants and sports t-shirts/jerseys... I'm not a teenage boy so why do I continue wearing these tops well..
    a)they're comfortable
    b)they go with flip flops and gym shoes
    c)they require little thought on my part

    Also another fashion mistake I make is wearing skinny jeans... the reason they are a mistake is because they are baggy everywhere (ie: legs, butt, hips) when I get them to fit in my waist.

    I should stop buying from the juniors section... I just cant stop myself! It's a wonder why we all make these mistakes when Stacy and Clinton are giving all the free advise on WNTW.

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  33. Neon - I threw away all my 80's neon. Yes, orange, lime, pink and (gasp) purple.But I will be buried in flip flops - I don't give a "f___" what anyone says.
    I friggen love "what not to Wear", I open a bottle of wine and dream of $5k and NY - then I loudly criticize the contestant who defends themselves in the 360 mirror - AH the good times!

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  34. @likeitlemony, @LKW & @STY

    Uh..yeah. If I can find my 7th grade class pic, I'll scan and email it to you. It was bad. Baaaaad. I was teased one too many times for not having groomed brows. Here's the kicker; Mommypants said I wasn't old enough to get them done, AND that I wasn't allowed to tweeze bc she was afraid they'd end up uneven. JOKE WAS ON HER. One day I shaved off the brow (it was basically 1 at that point) and drew two perfectly fucked up eyebrows. It took f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to get them back.

    Now I'm obsessed with my eyebrows. They always look good. ALWAYS.

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  35. @likeitlemony - hope - i forget her name but she was the chick in her 50s who dress all in costume-y vintage outfits. she started off with bleached-blond hair but they kept it long and center parted, and even mr. snarky (who must listen to my running commentary of the show even though he's not watching...) agreed that they fucked up by not changing her part and giving her bangs. Chick had like 8 miles of forehead and they just left it out there. not working for me...

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  36. p.s. omg you guys - outback red - lol!! i had that crap too... and i used to buy huge flannel shirts at abercrombie back when they were still more of like an ll bean-y type outdoorsy-outfitter. had to ditch the flannels years ago or i would still be wearing them lol... those and my collection of j crew unisex roll-neck sweaters. lived in those things for a few years...

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  37. I'm 98% those two would have quite a few words to say about my ensembles. I'm sure they would be appalled if they knew I pair Anthropolgie skirts with band t-shirts and practically live in the same pair of boots.

    Fuck 'em. And I'm still growing a mullet. I want one, cool or not.

    I miss the grunge look, I gotta be honest. There was nothing more comfortable than an oversized flannel over a jean skirt with a pair of Docs.

    Oh wait, I think I actually still wear shit like that. Never mind.

    @Lindsay Rae - I couldn't help but notice how perfectly coiffed your eyebrows were when I met you in fooooorks.

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  38. I think I'll start with describing my outfit I wore to Christmas dinner just this past year - my new Mark Sanchez # 6 NY Jets jersey, accessorized with the Van Cleef and Arpels heart necklace my husband gave me. Last Christmas I wore a Kevin Boss #89 NY Giants jersey. I've been given a new sports jersey for Christmas every year since I was a high school freshman. I wear them - not just on Christmas, but all year long, to games, to the mall, apple picking, wherever. Luckily, my husband finds this extremely entertaining, even when I wore my Pat LaFontaine jersey to an Islander's game with my faux Uggs (skechers), that have fur and rhinestones on them. Occasionally, I wear a Steven Gerrard Liverpool jersey to work. To finish, I also have a full complement of USA gear because I love the Olympics and the men's soccer team. I was wearing 6 layers covered with a red USA shirt and beret to the USA/Argentina game at Giants Stadium (not on board with the new name) last Saturday - I can provide a photo. I wasn't wearing my leg warmers only because my friend was cold, so I gave them to her. Please feel free to make fun of me, I've been taking years of abuse from relatives for actually wearing a cheesehead to multiple Green Bay Packers games.

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  39. So I just bought these Levi's that were supposed to be slimming. NO. They were horrible. They were fucking mom jeans with a high waist and were not slimming at all, in fact, they made you look like you were carrying a low beer belly. I didn't try them on at the store, so it's my fault. But after TRYING to wear them several times, I finally donated them. Me and Levi's are not friends at the moment.

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  40. Well, shut the front door! I love that show! I've been watching since forever! Did you ever see the UK version? Much funnier.

    @likeitlemony - Ted always phones it in. He's not into talking people into reaching outside of their comfort zone. It's a shame. I wonder why Nick isn't there any more.

    Did you see that one with the blogger? She does "Parenting By Dummies". She just wrote an article on shopping for sex toys. She's pretty PC, but she's new at the sex toy game:
    http://parentingbydummies.com/2011/03/dumb-moms-guide-sex-toy-shopping-eden-fantasys-store.html

    Anyway, it was interesting to hear her behinds the scene's story:
    http://parentingbydummies.com/2011/03/ask-me-monday-the-skinny-on-what-not-to-wear.html

    I have tried to take their lessons to heart. It's just as easy to put on a nice shirt, jeans and nice shoes as a sloppy shirt and sweatpants and flip flops. I just try not to buy sloppy clothes and then I don't have that option. I wear "comfy" heels at home. Right now I'm seriously wearing these shoes today around the house:
    http://www.shoebuy.com/donald-j-pliner-bethia-cuco/424447/903341

    Come on now... they're cute!!!

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  41. I am guilty of buying one style of top in several different prints and colors so I can just throw them on without too much thought. Trouble is, I've lost weight and now they are all huge on me. I have always kinda liked jorts - they're comfortable! I don't like the Twilight jorts though. Clinton is awesome and I want that book! I'm even willing to send it to another Twitard after I finish reading it!

    What kills me is that even though I know exactly how to dress everyone else (no, really! My advice is sought after.), I haven't the faintest idea of how to dress myself.

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  42. Stacey would definitely have a spaz attack over my footwear. I'm pretty WNTW approved for the wardrobe but I fail at shoes. Even though I am vertically challenged, I never wear heels. I don't go out to nice dinners much as I have been married for over 25 yrs get no romance whatsoever. I work with preschoolers and kindergarteners so I'm on the floor a lot.

    I buy a pair of shoes, always brown leather, and wear them till they look like a homeless person wouldn't touch them then replace them with something similar. As bad as that is though, I would never wear Uggs or crocs. They are gross.

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  43. Honolulu Girl-Suz - those "slimming" jeans DO have horrible high waists! I tried on a pair (i forget the brand - "not your daughters jeans" or something like that) because i always see them advertised and i think they sell them at nordstrom (i was at marshalls lol) and i HATED them too! it's not like a two-foot rise is a good look on anyone even if it means you can zip up over your gut - lol!

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  44. My entire wardrobe consists of solid color tshirts and long sleeve shirts, jeans, chucks, and flip flops for the summer. Oh and my zip up hoodie that I wear year round. Im a skinny bitch and Im cold all year round. My clothes are clean and are in good shape so I dont see the problem in my outfit choices..lol

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  45. @likeitlemony - I'm not saying he's gay just because of his job/fashion sense - there are a lot of fashionable straight guys out there. but he is openly gay/out/whatever. (and married, according to the interwebs and a lot of gay guys who have blogs, so it *must* be true!)

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  46. I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I'm the one at the midnight Twilight premieres in my 'Team Charlie' t-shirt and my homemade Bella's bracelet and wolf pack earrings!

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  47. @STY, ok then as long as he's said it. It irks me now that my husband was right, though. It irritates me that it's his fallback line about any guy that i admire. He even has the audacity to say that about The Precious.

    Wouldn't it be cool to see Stacey & Clinton try to toss out a Twitard's shirt on WNTW? I've got a Twilight hoodie from Hot Topic that I would have to put in a safe deposit box if I ever got on the show!

    We should nominate one of the group just for laughs.

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  48. I LOOOOVE Clinton and Stacy too.

    uhm, little sissy actually nominated me for WNTW a few years back when I was stuck between goth black and crappy new mommy clothes. Too bad I didn't get on the show...guess I wasn't that bad ;)

    I've gotten better. I really try to pay attention to simple designs, not too many different patterns, and I've discovered that getting your clothes tailored even if they are from Old Navy is the best thing on earth. And not even that expensive :)

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  49. Clinton and Stacey are fabulous! My girls and I watch their show all the time!

    Hmm... I've always loved clothes. I like to think I've done a pretty nice job keeping my closet current. Having two daughters, the younger of which is 16 and makes STY sound like a nun. I'm not kidding. She likes to say, out loud, to anyone... "My mom thinks she's still 29!" I don't like hearing that at all! So, I've checked my closet and drawers and found a few things that maybe were time to chuck - only a few t's and a pair of shorts that were possibly a tad too short. I usually ask my husband and our older daughter for their opinion and I trust them.

    Buy classic items, you know, things that will still be in style a few years from now. If you want to buy something that's trendy, go ahead, but only buy one or two items in that style. Pick a classic black blazer, and maybe a trendier style blazer in a different texture. You'll be able to wear them for quite a few years. For the office, have at least two pair of black dress pants, and a pair of grey ones, all which can be worn with a bright top. Pants styles change every few years so you'll get your money's worth if you buy one or two pair that cost a little more than you might normally spend. They fit better and they'll hold their shape. For summer, have a nice pair of white dress pants. Capris are great for work too. I noticed that dressier shorts are being shown in the stores for spring. As cute as they are, I couldn't honestly wear those at work.

    Keep the tops current. During the warmer weather, I've been wearing sleeveless tops, camis or short sleeved shirts with a light cardigan sweater to work. There are so many different styles of cardigans in all colors of the rainbow. You can find them anywhere and they're inexpensive. Target had some great ones. The air conditioner at work is always set to low for my comfort, so I always have a sweater or blazer.

    I love my Levis and Calvin jeans. Those two brands fit me well and I don't need to break the bank to buy them. When I'm home, I live in my jeans.

    My 16th yr old was appalled when I bought a pair of Chucks a few years ago. I told her that I wore them when I was back in high school too and that I'm one of the reasons they're still around - they're classics - just like me -
    so, suck it! Ok, I didn't tell her to "suck it", but I gave her my patented death stare. She proceeded to give the same damn death stare back at me! God, she's so cute. I feel sorry for the bastard that falls in love with her.

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  50. Actually, Snarkier than you got me to second dress my wardwrobe. On her March 6th post of "It takes a village to get me a taco" there's a picture of a cartoon taco riding a bike wearing these old school checkered Van shoes.(go find the post it's funny) Her caption for the pic literally said "This is me. Except not on a bike. And obviously not wearing shoes that were ugly back in 1989." I owned those shoes and had worn them that day, actually. I threw them away immediately after reading that, I hadn't even finished the post. LOL

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  51. Oh I love reading all these fashion faux pas. I just can't help thinking that Stephenie Myer is reading them too and taking notes for outfits that characters in her future books are going to be wearing.

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  52. I miss being a teen. I wore anything and I loved it. I didn't give a second thought to what anyone was wearing around me, what anyone though about it. I wore neon, I wore all black, I wore earrings as pins on my shirts, I wore bandanas on my writs, I wore tons of jewelry all at once, I just didn't care, I loved it. AND ironically I just missed winning Best Dressed in high school - so it couldn't have been all bad :)

    Now I overthink it all, I torture my self about what I look like in clothes and what I buy and wear and ... it is just all too much. I wish I could find a happy medium between teen me and 40 year old me.

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  53. So, I know we said we'd pick a winner... yesterday. As is usual, we're a tad late but we should be annoucning one in the next few days!!!

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  54. OK sorry I am SO FUCKING LATE but crap I have missed EVERYTHING lately!

    So - KINTAIL, come on down!!! You're the winner of one slightly-used copy of "Oh No She Didn't!" - wooot!!!

    And because I am an ass and this is like a week later than I'd originally promised to announce winners, I have a runner-up who will win Clinton Kelly and Stacy London's "Dress Your Best" book (also slightly used - but I still dress like a slob most days so this book is also relatively un-pawed-over).

    Send me your addresses - snarkierthanyou@gmail.com - and I promise to get these books out in less than several weeks - yay!!

    : )

    p.s. I LOVED reading all the comments here - i wish i could have given everyone a copy of these books (although clearly some of us are in greater need than others...).

    xoxo

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  55. OK sorry I am SO FUCKING LATE but crap I have missed EVERYTHING lately!

    So - KINTAIL, come on down!!! You're the winner of one slightly-used copy of "Oh No She Didn't!" - wooot!!!

    And because I am an ass and this is like a week later than I'd originally promised to announce winners, I have a runner-up who will win Clinton Kelly and Stacy London's "Dress Your Best" book (also slightly used - but I still dress like a slob most days so this book is also relatively un-pawed-over).

    Send me your addresses - snarkierthanyou@gmail.com - and I promise to get these books out in less than several weeks - yay!!

    : )

    p.s. I LOVED reading all the comments here - i wish i could have given everyone a copy of these books (although clearly some of us are in greater need than others...).

    xoxo

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  56. Well, shut the front door! I love that show! I've been watching since forever! Did you ever see the UK version? Much funnier.

    @likeitlemony - Ted always phones it in. He's not into talking people into reaching outside of their comfort zone. It's a shame. I wonder why Nick isn't there any more.

    Did you see that one with the blogger? She does "Parenting By Dummies". She just wrote an article on shopping for sex toys. She's pretty PC, but she's new at the sex toy game:
    http://parentingbydummies.com/2011/03/dumb-moms-guide-sex-toy-shopping-eden-fantasys-store.html

    Anyway, it was interesting to hear her behinds the scene's story:
    http://parentingbydummies.com/2011/03/ask-me-monday-the-skinny-on-what-not-to-wear.html

    I have tried to take their lessons to heart. It's just as easy to put on a nice shirt, jeans and nice shoes as a sloppy shirt and sweatpants and flip flops. I just try not to buy sloppy clothes and then I don't have that option. I wear "comfy" heels at home. Right now I'm seriously wearing these shoes today around the house:
    http://www.shoebuy.com/donald-j-pliner-bethia-cuco/424447/903341

    Come on now... they're cute!!!

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  57. I think I'll start with describing my outfit I wore to Christmas dinner just this past year - my new Mark Sanchez # 6 NY Jets jersey, accessorized with the Van Cleef and Arpels heart necklace my husband gave me. Last Christmas I wore a Kevin Boss #89 NY Giants jersey. I've been given a new sports jersey for Christmas every year since I was a high school freshman. I wear them - not just on Christmas, but all year long, to games, to the mall, apple picking, wherever. Luckily, my husband finds this extremely entertaining, even when I wore my Pat LaFontaine jersey to an Islander's game with my faux Uggs (skechers), that have fur and rhinestones on them. Occasionally, I wear a Steven Gerrard Liverpool jersey to work. To finish, I also have a full complement of USA gear because I love the Olympics and the men's soccer team. I was wearing 6 layers covered with a red USA shirt and beret to the USA/Argentina game at Giants Stadium (not on board with the new name) last Saturday - I can provide a photo. I wasn't wearing my leg warmers only because my friend was cold, so I gave them to her. Please feel free to make fun of me, I've been taking years of abuse from relatives for actually wearing a cheesehead to multiple Green Bay Packers games.

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  58. My entire wardrobe consists of solid color tshirts and long sleeve shirts, jeans, chucks, and flip flops for the summer. Oh and my zip up hoodie that I wear year round. Im a skinny bitch and Im cold all year round. My clothes are clean and are in good shape so I dont see the problem in my outfit choices..lol

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  59. Neon - I threw away all my 80's neon. Yes, orange, lime, pink and (gasp) purple.But I will be buried in flip flops - I don't give a "f___" what anyone says.
    I friggen love "what not to Wear", I open a bottle of wine and dream of $5k and NY - then I loudly criticize the contestant who defends themselves in the 360 mirror - AH the good times!

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  60. Oh I am sure I have made and do make many fashion mistakes. But oh well. Most of the time I just dress in my "riding" jeans, Tshirts, and a sweatshirt because I go to the barn everyday after work. I don't want to get get horse boogies and mud on my nicer clothes. LOL! So I look pretty awful everyday. :-)

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  61. OMG, I don't even know where to begin. For the longest time, I couldn't stand any pants that fit snugly around my thighs so I would buy them to fit baggy. I love baggy comfy pants and turtleneck sweaters (fuck you all, it's Maine and it's fucking cold!) I would wear jeans every day if I could get away with it. Lately I've bought just about everything in my wardrobe from Eddie Bauer. I'm not into fancy clothes. And I love my Danskos. LOVE them. I don't wear much else during the winter. And in the summer, flip flops. I have about 12 pairs of flips. I really am a fashion nightmare.

    @caninecologne - I totally remember Outback Red shit at Limited. Yup, I had some of that, but not the prairie look - more of the big shirts and pleated pants! And the grunge, early 90's was one of my favs! I had a ton of big plaid flannel shirts!

    @Lindsay Rae - Ummmm... all I can picture is that episode of Seinfeld when Uncle Leo burned off his eyebrows and Elaine drew them back in for him. Did you look perpetually surprised? Or did you give yourself more of an angry brow?

    PS. The other day, I tried on some bermuda shorts and I happen to be wearing black knee socks - I looked like a fucking lollipop kid. Not shitting you, the shorts and the socks met - no skin showing. Sometimes it sucks being short.

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  62. i love clinton kelly! and that bitch stacy london! i'm a stay at home mom who looks like shit a lot and i fucking love my yoga pants and oversized sweatshirts.
    (its fucking cold as a witches tit here in wi. 30 degrees is the high today!) so i am always in layers. so i'm still in hibernation mode and i like my layers! would i like to dress better? hell yeah! but i'm freezing my ass off and am more comfortable and warm looking like shit!

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  63. omfg, where do i begin? everything i wore in the 80's was a fashion faux pas. stirrup pants, shirt with tails in the back, oversized wanna-be benneton or esprit sweaters. the "prairie" look - for those of you old enough to remember, the limited stores used to have a wanna-be australian line called outback red. long skirts, eyelet trimmed blouses, that kind of frou frou pioneer girl/hollly hobby shit. i can't believe i wore one of those outfits back then! ugh. wtf. oh, and black nylons with white high heels. yeah, i rocked those with my lace gunne sax blouse and tight black skirt.

    in the 90's, my fashion faux pas was oversized plaid shirts and levi's with dirty converse. no thanks to grunge.

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  64. I have no idea if the clothes I wear are fashion faux pas or not. I just try to find things that show off my boobs because they are fantastic and I don't have many more years before they start to get droopy. They once got me free soda, so if showing them off is wrong, I don't want to be right.

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  65. Holy fuckballs, I think I wrote that post!
    Ok clearly not, cause it wouldn't have been half as funny or made any semblance of sense, but I am 100% there with you. Love What Not to Wear! Have discussed the possibility of creating deliberately bad nomination videos with friends to get one of us on the show. Which is laughable because I wouldn't have to fake it very much. I secretly also try to plot ways to hide my truly precious fashion impaired items so they wouldn’t get trashed. I think I would cry if I saw my Converse Chuck Taylors go in a trash can.
    Though in my fashion coma, I cite the fashion gods Clinton and Stacy if I think it'll get me any leeway. "Stacy said you can mix brown and black. Its very Yves Saint Laurant 1976 damn it!"

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  66. UMMMMMMMMM....................i still own a pair of stirup pants!!

    (at least they are black)

    yes i need that book!!!!!!!

    and WTF??? clinton is GAY????? i thought he had a wife, where the hell have i been????

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  67. Oh, and I still have some maternity pants that I refuse to get rid of because they were so COMFORTABLE!!! Nobody has to know, I just yank really hard on that string and hope they don't fall down

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