Sunday, March 6, 2011

It Takes a Village to Get Me a Taco

I'm not sure why nothing in my life is ever easy. Ever. Just like how all The Dude ever wanted was his rug back, all I ever wanted was to get some tacos for lunch. Let me back up to the beginning.


This is me. Except not on a bike. And obviously not wearing shoes that were ugly back in 1989.


It all started when I was going to lunch the other day. As I was unlocking my door, I noticed a large portion of my driver's side was covered in a sticky, white substance. (Don't even go there.) It looked like someone spilled something on my car and tried to wipe it off, but pretty much only succeeded in rubbing the substance in further. Seriously? I cause enough trouble for myself; I don't need help from anyone else. I needed gas anyway (the kind that comes from crude oil, not the other), so I figured I'd just run it through the car wash before all manner of debris attached itself to my vehicle.


I would be big pimpin' driving this down the road.


If you know me, you know I spend a ridiculous amount of time at the 7-Eleven. We are bff's. I frequently do my grocery shopping there. I eat lunch there at least three times a week. My schedule is crazy. If I can pick up a sandwich, gummy sharks, milk, wine, and the new Vanity Fair without braving the grocery store, then I am a happy person. Ergo, I drove my sticky-mobile over to the 7-Eleven and pulled up to the gas tank. I'm not sure when the gas pump became the lay man's Jeopardy, but I am pretty fucking sick of answering thirty thousand questions before I'm even allowed to remove the nozzle. Do you want to pay inside or outside? Credit or debit? What's you PIN? Your billing zip code? Did you know Slim Jims are on sale 4/$5? JMFHF! Just give me some gawdamned petrol! It finally asked if I wanted to buy a car wash and save ten cents per gallon. Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Ten years later, I was finally allowed to remove the nozzle and put it in my tank. (Why does that sound dirty?) Except, I've picked some kind of deformed gas pump that has the shortest nozzle known to man. I put the damn thing in my tank, clicked that dohickey that keeps the gas pumping, turned around to get back in the car (like you're not supposed to do)... and the fucking thing fell out and scratched all down the side of my car. Mother. Fucker. I've only had the damned car for two months. This is why I can't have nice things.

So, I had to hold the mothertrucking nozzle in my tank while it pumped. Not to mention, I reeked of gasoline. Awesome. It finished and I went to collect my ticket with the car wash code. After all, that was the main reason I went—to get my car cleaned. The ticket never printed. I didn't murder anyone yet because I knew my buddy inside, Ahmed, would give me the hookup.

Naturally, Ahmed was off. Sonofabitch! The girl behind the counter printed my receipt and showed me that I neither payed for a car wash nor received the ten cent discount. Now someone was going to die. For future reference, they will not refund your money on gas that you've already pumped. That seemed a little unreasonable.


This is my To Do list every day.


I still had to find a car wash, so I went across the street to one of those detail places. I ordered the quickest, cheapest wash they had (since my ten minute lunch jaunt had already taken over half an hour). I rode through the washing thing that shoots liquid all over the place and beats your car with rags like the ShamWow guy beats hookers. STG, that was the slowest car wash ever. I was ready to abandon my car and make a break for it, but I didn't think I'd survive the exit without heavy armor. Seriously, haunted houses could take a note from this car wash. It was intense.

I finally saw daylight and was ready to gun it and pick up some freaking food to eat. I didn't realize two little dudes were waiting to dry my car. I tried to wave them off, but they were adamant. I was starving and grumpy and not in the mood to waste anymore of my time. I thought they were finished drying. I really did. Unfortunately for them, my car has what I call the "drug mule" level window tint. I didn't see these nice men in my windows anymore and started to drive off. It was at least thirty yards later that I realized little Javier was still running along side the car trying to dry the rear window. Shit. I can't keep my asshole-osity in check for two fucking minutes.


It looked fun when Michael J. Fox did it.


I left there, making a mental note to never return since they undoubtedly wrote down my license plate number. As I was pulling out of the parking lot to FINALLY get some damn food, my dashboard lit up like a Christmas tree. My car stalled and every possible warning light came on. GDMFSOB! I had effectively paid almost a hundred dollars for a gas tank full of water. All I wanted was a taco, people!

I demand reparation. I want a lifetime supply of Slupees. And gummy sharks. A few dozen bottles of wine wouldn't hurt either. I await your response, 7-Eleven.

21 comments:

  1. Sounds like you had a great f'ing day. Sadly your great day causes me tons of laughter so it's like a win/lose situation. Or a lose/win situation depending on who's first.

    Don't they sell tacos at 7-Eleven? Maybe that's just nachos and fake hot dogs.

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  2. You eat tacos from 7-11? That is all kinds of disgusting. If they don't use real meat at Taco Bell, they sure as hell don't use it as a gas station. Srsly, dude. That's creepy, man.

    Also - I love the P&P reference. I never, ever get tired of that line. *dreamy sigh*

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  3. First of all FUCK YOU I have those fucking sneakers. And I love them. I will now bring them to sxsw and wear them just to torture you.

    Secondly, I've eaten a lot of questionable things from questionable places in my life and even I wouldn't eat a taco from 7-11.

    Ah, fuck it. Yeah i would.

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  4. Poor BB.. that sounds like one MFbadass day.. But for reals, and seriously..if I were hopped up on coke, drunk from 6 shots of Patron..and so high I could chew my own arm off..I WOULD NOT eat food from 7-11..I'm not a convenience store snob.. Just...NO..Your gastrointestinal track will thank you for that. Hmmm maybe I am a convenience store snob..I don't recall the last time I was in one..Me thinks it was FORKS!! hahaha
    PS... please for the love of sweet baby Jesus, tell me you DON"T use there herpe infested rest rooms..

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  5. Oh, that sucks. I hate days like that where shit just keeps happening. I blame the taco.

    Holy crap, my veri word is peniz. As if the z could make it less dirty.

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  6. I eat sandwiches from 7-11, not tacos. I don't think they sell tacos. I went to get a taco from the Mexican food place down the road, but ended up having to stop at the 7-11 & the car wash instead.

    @JJ--I will mock you shamelessly. I can't believe you own those shoes. I don't even know you anymore.

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  7. I've got nothin'. Oh my goodness what a horrible lunch break.

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  8. TK you really should just stay home. I am beginning to get a little frightened what might happen to all of us in Forks.....

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  9. Um, yeah. What she said . . . please don't bring that luck with you to Forks!!!

    The only other thing I can think of to say is . . . it sucks to be you . . . but that sounds kind of mean and after an adventure like that, you don't deserve it.

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  10. TK -

    Are you aware that the 'cut a bitch' note is being held by none other than...

    Patrick from SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

    i.e. ---> of SpongeBob slash fame. I know you're still in denial.

    Yup, I brought it back, baby.

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  11. Your day sound a lot like my 2011 so far. And the shit just keeps on coming...

    I feel for you.

    Take a pic of JJ in those shoes for us, mkay?

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  12. I'm with VitaminR... I'm afraid what type of pox you'll bring to our suite in Forks... maybe you stay with JJ and STY instead.

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  13. They have a carwash at 7-11's down there?? WOW! I don't know that I've ever seen one with a carwash up here in WA. Huh. Sorry for your shitty day. Did you ever get that taco?? What happened with your car? Was it broken?

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  14. All of it sucks...

    What happened to your car? It shut down and....

    Did you have to have it towed?
    Is the white shit off of it after the haunted car wash?

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  15. I'm really, really really sorry but I tried not to laugh. I really did. But you're just hysterical so it wasn't really my fault.

    I am genuinely sorry you had one c**t of a day - prob the worst for a millennium. I would've cried.

    Bless ya, and hope your good fortune involves finding a billion dollars worth of it the next time you go out to lunch for even a bunch of grapes.

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  16. In re: to the state of my car--the goo washed off. The car was fine once I burned all the water out of the tank. That was actually a fairly uneventful day by my standards.

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  17. I feel sort of bad laughing at your expense all the time, but feel free to keep it coming. Highlight of my day;)

    My old boyfriend used to always yell at me for getting gas at convenience stores, explaining they are NOT gas stations and shouldn't be trusted. So of course I eventually got a tank full of water at a 7-11. The mechanic told me to take it out on the straight away roads and try to burn it out. It didn't work. He then informed me I had managed to set my engine on fire and more repairs would be necessary. I repel automobiles.

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  18. In re: to the state of my car--the goo washed off. The car was fine once I burned all the water out of the tank. That was actually a fairly uneventful day by my standards.

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  19. They have a carwash at 7-11's down there?? WOW! I don't know that I've ever seen one with a carwash up here in WA. Huh. Sorry for your shitty day. Did you ever get that taco?? What happened with your car? Was it broken?

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  20. You eat tacos from 7-11? That is all kinds of disgusting. If they don't use real meat at Taco Bell, they sure as hell don't use it as a gas station. Srsly, dude. That's creepy, man.

    Also - I love the P&P reference. I never, ever get tired of that line. *dreamy sigh*

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  21. Sounds like you had a great f'ing day. Sadly your great day causes me tons of laughter so it's like a win/lose situation. Or a lose/win situation depending on who's first.

    Don't they sell tacos at 7-Eleven? Maybe that's just nachos and fake hot dogs.

    ReplyDelete

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