Thursday, March 24, 2011

Taintlight: A Movie. Sort Of.

The other day I was lurking around Twitter when this particular tweet caught my eye:

A redneck shitting in the woods??? Needless to say, I was very intrigued so I inquired as to what, exactly, LindsayRae114 was watching.

Her response? Taintlight.

Judging from her ensuing tweets, this was a movie that was clearly not Oscar worthy but that was cool with me. I happen to enjoy bad movies--after all, I do write for a Twilight blog. I tend to go out of my way to watch movies that will either a) scare the ever loving fuck out of me b) gross me out or c) are just so campy they're actually pretty good in their awfulness.

I suspected Taintlight was going to fall into the C category. It was going to stupid and make me laugh and be thankful that no one was around while I was actually watching it. It couldn't be that bad, right?

FUCKING WRONG. There is no category that this movie falls under, except maybe jeezus-jumping-Edward-on-a-shit-stick-is-this-movie-BAD.

I punched myself in the taint watching this. Repeatedly.

This movie is a total fucking travesty. I haven't seen cinema (I'm using that word very loosely) this terrible since my sophomore year of high school when my friends and I made a half-assed attempt to recreate scenes from Suburbia, which was a B rate movie to begin with. I think it involved me in a pair of jorts, a plaid shirt (fuck off, it was the 90's) sitting on a hood of a car and throwing sneakers at people.

I would have been the one in the shorts, minus those fuck-awful sandals. Doc Martens, all the way...

Actually, Taintlight is even worse than that. I officially have never seen anything as ridiculous as this movie.

Even Stella is horrified by this movie.

I'm not going to bother with the plot because you all basically know the plot - it's Twilight dumbed-down (yes, it is possible). Just add in shoddy acting, an endless parade of the lamest potty and sex jokes I've ever had the displeasure of being subjected to, and a bunch of tattoos and you have Taintlight in a nutshell.

It's the story about Stella something-or-other (I was too busy groaning loudly to get the name and NO WAY am I watching this movie again). She basically moved to a town full of socially stunted jackasses that possess a similar mindset of... well, fucking idiots. It was obvious that to these people "acting" actually meant "behaving like the biggest asstwat you possibly can." I can't remember what the name of the town was because after the fifth "finger-banging" reference in under four minutes, parts of my brain spontaneously combusted into dust in an effort to forget what I was watching.

I got nothing for this. It's disturbing when you're all "awwww" and then you actually read the caption...

The poop jokes are poor at best. Seriously, they should have hired me and I would have been able to bring this sham from a Total Failure to just a Mostly Failure because I've heard funnier shit humor from a fucking corpse.

I will admit that some of the jokes were mildly entertaining but mostly I wanted to stab my eyes out with a rusty fucking spoon. The whole creeptastic incest thing that is going on between Stella and "Charlie" is actually plain old fucking disturbing and kind of made me cringe and roll my eyes at the same time. Getting a colonoscopy while awake would have been more enjoyable than sitting through this movie.

Even "Charlie" looks a little disturbed by his role as the "sleep-jacking" creep...

And when "Victoria" opened her mouth to speak my ear drums began to bleed and dogs two counties over suffered seizures from her high-pitched, keening, obnoxious voice. I imagine that's the way an alien sounds when it orgasms. I hope I never have to hear it again.

The only funny line I recall (again, I may have been slamming my head against the wall and missed a few) was after Stella complains about hating the wet, Edgar Mullen (c'mon people, I don't need to elaborate on the characters here, do I?) asks, "Do you beat up your vagina when you get turned on?"


The best line in this movie is at about ten minutes in when Stella says, "just kill me now".

Mainly because I couldn't agree more.

That being said, this cinematic clusterfuck did get me thinking: if something this fantastically shitty can actually somehow be produced and end up on Netflix streaming, then I still have a chance at being a movie star.

Seriously, this was the movie equivalent of me smearing fecal matter all over the wall and proclaiming myself a modern day Poocasso** or something. Or running up to random old men on the street and beating them mercilessly over their heads with their own canes/walkers and declaring it a new competitive sport.

Quick! Give me my beatin' stick. I've been practicing for awhile now... c'mere, old man!!!

In short, it sucked. Also, being the asshole I am, I still think you should all try to watch at least fifteen minutes of this flick. You can get it on Netflix streaming. Feel free to curse me out in the comments.

And if you make it all the way to the end, I commend you. I also question your mental stability.

**I can't take credit for that but I'd really like to.


  1. i attempted to watch this poor excuse for a parody months ago. i didn't last 5 minutes (that's what he said) srsly, the moment that dude started shitting, i was done.
    i would rather watch Vampires Suck. and that movie sucked balls too.

  2. You're welcome.

    vw: robsouda

    I was totally impressed when Robsouda clone (Edgar) got a boner in the sun and came bubbles.

  3. I'm at work and looked it up on youtube. Started looking at the different parts. WOW. I think from now on I'm going to start saying "son of a cunt".

  4. Jesus fuck, I can't believe I'm doing this after you bitches already poisoned me with that heinous Twilight Porn movie. JJ...I STFG I will take a massive, atomic bomb-like shit in your Forks Motel room if this traumatizes me any further.

    ***Goes to Netflix***


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  6. and by work... i mean library. kinda had to change tabs when it first starts with a guy shitting on a tree and then the porn mags.

  7. My best friend found this movie and "surprised" me with it for my birthday. He and I enjoy watching the cheesiest movies that we can find and laughing at how bad they are. This one, got lots of laughs out of us I have to admit.

    If you want something good and cheesy, go watch Thankskilling. I have never laughed so hard in my life at how horribly bad it was that it turned into pure gold entertainment

  8. @Brody - Um, I don't recommend watching this at work. LOL!

    @Mama Cougar - DO IT!! YOU MUST WATCH. Also, it's even worse than the twi porn. I actually made it all the way through the twi porn. This... not so much.


    I've just been online and ordered the enriched uranium I'll need to ingest to prepare the nuclear holocaust of a dump I'm planning.....JUST FOR YOU, JJ.

    Just for you.


  10. @Mama Cougar - bring it on. Pay back will be fierce. You've been warned.

    Now watch Taintlight. It's poignant and enlightening.

  11. I'm super impressed by all of you who have managed to watch this! I love spoofs and parodies so I queued this up on Netflix a few weeks ago. I couldn't even make it to the 10 minute mark. Just... ugh.

  12. Sounds like something to watch one night while we are in Fffffoooorrrrrkkkkkkkksssssssssss

  13. Holy shit. And I thought "Blood Red Moon" and "Vampires Suck" were bad Twilight parodies. This is downright diabolical.

    Looks like I've got something to reccomend for Obscurus Lupa to review for!

  14. this sounds awful. so of course i am going to go watch it. i am a masochist like that.

    also, don't forget the whole suburbia situation was filmed. who knows, that video might be out there somewhere.

  15. @Jodi Bon Jodi - Fuck me, please tell me that video is not still floating around.

    And yes, you should totally watch this movie. It's AWFUL.

  16. A redneck shitting in the woods? Sounds like my hometown.

    I can't believe you just tweet bullied me into reading this post. Not really because you knew I'd read it anyway but even reading your review of this gawdawful movie makes me want to kick a baby duck.

    They couldn't even get poop jokes right?!?! Come on. Nothing's shittier than a shitty poop joke (tons o' puns intended)

    I'll try to watch this sometime this weekend. And I'll report back..probably in caps.

  17. Oh no! I'm not falling for your sneaky tricks again!

    I'm still looking for brain bleach to try to remove the visuals from some older posts that started out with a similar warning. Uh-uh. Nope. Not gonna' do it!

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  19. There is no way in Hell I am gonna suffer this abominable shite - the pics were bad enough, and I trust your acclaimed critique absolutely so no no no.

    However ...

    I got an enormous amount of enjoyment out of reading your comments guys, so that diabolical piece of crap was worth something after all.

    Take care. (And those of you willingly putting yourselves through such unnecessary torture - try not to kill yourselves too much; just find a pedestrian to take it out on). x

  20. OMG I loved Suburbia!! And I would have been in the plaid shirt and shorts with Docs or black converse back in 1988. Sporting a mohawk as well.

    I can barely get past the poster for that movie. Is the Edward channeling Sylvester Stallone with those lips?

  21. "And when "Victoria" opened her mouth to speak my ear drums began to bleed and dogs two counties over suffered seizures from her high-pitched, keening, obnoxious voice. I imagine that's the way an alien sounds when it orgasms."

    JMFHF, JJ, you crack me up.

    There is no way on god's green earth I will watch this flick. BUT... I did get tweet-bullied (you know who you are) into buying Vampires Suck a few months back and it's hilarious, IMHO... although, I watched it a second time when my BFFs were here and ooh good gracious it's painful a second time. Once only, people.

  22. P.S. Was I the only one who thought of DML immediately when I saw TAINTlight in the heading of this post???

  23. There are certain people whose tolerance for disgusting is much higher than mine, so when they say "you do not want to see this", I trust that it will be vile and don't look. JJ, I'll take your word on this.

    I think we all would love to see your Suburbia movie though.

  24. I couldn't comment till I watched this monstrosity...I am speechless and can find no words other than......huh.... wha...Gah!! and ....NO!! Altho I kinda liked Raoul... The creepy dad was a bit much, and the ending totally sucked...Must go cleanse brain now... JJ where do you find this crap??

  25. Poocasso!! HAHAHAHA!!! Beat up your vagina!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OMG!! I can't stop laughing!! Maybe I'll come back later to leave a real comment! LOL!

  26. OH...NO...CAN'T...SPEAK...LAUGHING. These comments now are cracking me up even more. I love all of you! HAHAHAHAHA!

  27. @Double Dippin - you actually watched the WHOLE thing??? LMFAO!!! I couldn't even get through the whole thing!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


  28. I haven't laughed so hard in a LONG time! Thank you for torturing yourself just so you could entertain us. I especially like the delivery of fail. *snort* Don't know why that picture got me off, but it did!

    @Lindsay Rae - Wait... is there real sparklepeen and cumming bubbles??? Can you tell me how far into the movie this is so I can FF to that point???

    @Mama Cougar - I hope you got your uranium from Amazon, becasue this particular brand has great reviews:

  29. Sounds kind of like 'Night Light' the National Lampoon spoof book. It just sucked so hard even my love for all things Twi couldn't make me finish it.

  30. LoL thanks for the heads up. Had NO plans on seeing it... okay that's a lie. Had I known it was out there I might have netflix'd it. Who am I kidding. ;)

    vw: barphibl: That movie was absolutely barphibl.

    Barfable....get it? ;)

  31. @JJ - You're the baddy that tries to rape Bella!!!! See the jorts and sandals!!! OMG!!

    TERRIFYING! Haha :-)

    (Um... kidding)

  32. Nope, not gonna do it.

    I will trust all of you and I shall stay far, far away.

  33. I read My Immortal in two sittings and enjoyed it, which is a testament to my total, utter lack of taste. but i could only get through 40 minutes of this shit. It was so bad. So, so bad. If I were under massive amounts of morphine I could write a better parody of Twilight. If I were having a seizure I could act better. It's abysmal. I would rather have appendicitis in the middle of finals week again than rewatch those forty minutes. It really needs to be seen to be believed.


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