A redneck shitting in the woods??? Needless to say, I was very intrigued so I inquired as to what, exactly, LindsayRae114 was watching.
Her response? Taintlight.
Judging from her ensuing tweets, this was a movie that was clearly not Oscar worthy but that was cool with me. I happen to enjoy bad movies--after all, I do write for a Twilight blog. I tend to go out of my way to watch movies that will either a) scare the ever loving fuck out of me b) gross me out or c) are just so campy they're actually pretty good in their awfulness.
I suspected Taintlight was going to fall into the C category. It was going to stupid and make me laugh and be thankful that no one was around while I was actually watching it. It couldn't be that bad, right?
FUCKING WRONG. There is no category that this movie falls under, except maybe jeezus-jumping-Edward-on-a-shit-stick-is-this-movie-BAD.
This movie is a total fucking travesty. I haven't seen cinema (I'm using that word very loosely) this terrible since my sophomore year of high school when my friends and I made a half-assed attempt to recreate scenes from Suburbia, which was a B rate movie to begin with. I think it involved me in a pair of jorts, a plaid shirt (fuck off, it was the 90's) sitting on a hood of a car and throwing sneakers at people.
I would have been the one in the shorts, minus those fuck-awful sandals. Doc Martens, all the way...
Actually, Taintlight is even worse than that. I officially have never seen anything as ridiculous as this movie.
I'm not going to bother with the plot because you all basically know the plot - it's Twilight dumbed-down (yes, it is possible). Just add in shoddy acting, an endless parade of the lamest potty and sex jokes I've ever had the displeasure of being subjected to, and a bunch of tattoos and you have Taintlight in a nutshell.
It's the story about Stella something-or-other (I was too busy groaning loudly to get the name and NO WAY am I watching this movie again). She basically moved to a town full of socially stunted jackasses that possess a similar mindset of... well, fucking idiots. It was obvious that to these people "acting" actually meant "behaving like the biggest asstwat you possibly can." I can't remember what the name of the town was because after the fifth "finger-banging" reference in under four minutes, parts of my brain spontaneously combusted into dust in an effort to forget what I was watching.
I got nothing for this. It's disturbing when you're all "awwww" and then you actually read the caption...
The poop jokes are poor at best. Seriously, they should have hired me and I would have been able to bring this sham from a Total Failure to just a Mostly Failure because I've heard funnier shit humor from a fucking corpse.
I will admit that some of the jokes were mildly entertaining but mostly I wanted to stab my eyes out with a rusty fucking spoon. The whole creeptastic incest thing that is going on between Stella and "Charlie" is actually plain old fucking disturbing and kind of made me cringe and roll my eyes at the same time. Getting a colonoscopy while awake would have been more enjoyable than sitting through this movie.
And when "Victoria" opened her mouth to speak my ear drums began to bleed and dogs two counties over suffered seizures from her high-pitched, keening, obnoxious voice. I imagine that's the way an alien sounds when it orgasms. I hope I never have to hear it again.
The only funny line I recall (again, I may have been slamming my head against the wall and missed a few) was after Stella complains about hating the wet, Edgar Mullen (c'mon people, I don't need to elaborate on the characters here, do I?) asks, "Do you beat up your vagina when you get turned on?"
THAT WAS IT.
The best line in this movie is at about ten minutes in when Stella says, "just kill me now".
Mainly because I couldn't agree more.
That being said, this cinematic clusterfuck did get me thinking: if something this fantastically shitty can actually somehow be produced and end up on Netflix streaming, then I still have a chance at being a movie star.
Seriously, this was the movie equivalent of me smearing fecal matter all over the wall and proclaiming myself a modern day Poocasso** or something. Or running up to random old men on the street and beating them mercilessly over their heads with their own canes/walkers and declaring it a new competitive sport.
In short, it sucked. Also, being the asshole I am, I still think you should all try to watch at least fifteen minutes of this flick. You can get it on Netflix streaming. Feel free to curse me out in the comments.
And if you make it all the way to the end, I commend you. I also question your mental stability.
**I can't take credit for that but I'd really like to.