I'm relatively positive that this post may compel some of you want to cause me bodily harm. But that's a chance I'm going to take. And if you find it necessary to launch a mafia-style hit on me in Forks, just please...where the bruises won't show...'kay?
Unless it's this kind of hit and then I'm totally ok with any bruises he wants to give me. (source)
I also feel like I should preface this by reminding you that I love the Twilight books. The first time I read them, I thought nothing would ever live up to them. Fuck, I even loved Breaking Dawn.
In my Twilighty tenure, I've read the books numerous times, seen the movies more than I can count on all my digits, and pretty much made it my life's mission to figure out how the hell I can create my very own Edward Cullen vampire that will treat me like a princess while agonizing over whether or not he'll kill me when we finally fuck.
What I had never done until now was listen to the Twilight audiobooks. Maybe I was just too cheap to drop the $28.95 on iTunes. But when I was inundated with iTunes gift cards this past Christmas, I finally decided to take the plunge. And now...those 12 hours...I'll never get them back. Ever. Those 12 hours that could have been dedicated to more important things - like scouring the web for Rob-porn. Makes. my. head. explode.
Where the fuck do I even begin?
Let's start with the basics. When you read the Twilight books, you know the writing isn't going to win a Pulitzer Prize. But the story is so frackin yummy and Edward is so dreamy that while you might kinda want to punch Bella here and there, you can generally overlook Stephenie's literary short comings. You skim over all the blathery crap, strip away the obvious overuse of her thesaurus, and get down to the good stuff. The kissing, the leg hitching, the pillow biting. You get the idea. You must... you're here, aren't you?
For me, the act of someone reading these words out loud, every single one of them, made me want to pierce my own eardrums. And hearing those words, bad narrating job aside, just magnifies that, well, Steph's writing leaves a little to be desired. I decided there was no overuse of the thesaurus. Nope. Turns out Stephenie was dry humping the fuck out of that poor reference book. What the mutherfuck just happened? I tell you what happened... I spent 12 hours being audibly assaulted.
The narrator--whose name I shall never type--tops my list of problems with the whole operation. If I ever met her in person, I might have to fight back the urge to go all "Face Punch!" on her ass just so I'd never have to hear her voice again. I knew I was in trouble the first time she said "Bella." Or more precisely "Bel-LA" - the inflection on the second syllable of her name gave me a burning need to ram the car in front of me. ZOMG serenity fucking now! Just say it like a normal person--it's "BELL-a", you moron!!
I generally love audiobooks and have only ever turned one off without listening because the narrator's voice was too much for me to handle. But then again, I'm usually not so deeply invested in those books. I usually don't live and breath a Nora Roberts book the way I do the Twilight Saga. And even though my first instinct was to just turn it off and walk away, I paid $28.95 for this fucking audiobook so I was damn well going to force myself to listen...no matter how detrimental it could be to my fellow commuters. Or my eardrums.
But before I rip out what's-her-name's voice box, I need ask her one question: Why the fuck do you insist on making Edward Cullen sound like a PUSSY??! This really bothered me...yes, I'm bothered. I know he's supposed to sound all old school and borderline pretentious, but he is NOT supposed to sound like he wears a fucking skirt.
"What if not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy?" News flash sucky narrator chick... bad guys are generally NOT pussies.
Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Anyone want to put money down on whether or not I'll be purchasing New Moon, Eclipse or Breaking Dawn audiobooks anytime soon? So Twitarded nation, have you tortured your senses with the audiobooks? Do you hate my review with a blinding passion or do you want to give me double high fives and a chest bump? Inquiring minds want to know.