Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dear Online Ads: Please Stop Stalking Me. thxkbye.

Lately, I haven't had nearly enough time to wander the interwebs as I would like... I have spent a little time online shopping, though, and while I am used to the ads that pop up in gmail being creeptastic and invasive (and sometimes truly inspired and hysterical), I've noticed a new and semi-unsettling trend that makes me wish that Google analytics and other tracking applications were less stalker-y.

I first became aware of the situation back when I was hunting for a bathing suit (which, for the record, after all that whining, I had NO time to wear on the trip I bought it for). I'd spend a few minutes here and there (possibly longer and often while on the clock at work but let's not get nit-picky) searching for the perfect tankini-top which would have magical rouching to camouflage my gut and the accompanying boy-shorts that would make my ass look like I had just waltzed out of the Bliss catalog's FitFlop pages

You can look JUST like this if you wear FitFlops!
Aaaand won the genetics lottery at conception...

I found (and bought) what I was looking for - sort of - and thought that I could put the whole bathing suit shopping debacle behind me. But the interwebs had other ideas, clearly... From that point on, I noticed that every time I went to any website that had ads, all the bathing suits I'd browsed followed me...taunting me with their spandex and frills...

I figured there was nothing I could really do about it and assumed it would go away the next time I was searching for something to purchase. I comforted myself with the knowledge that sooner or later, it would go away. Boy, I can't wait for THAT to change to something else! I thought... Until it did. Because apparently the next thing I searched for that Google analytics chose to have follow me everywhere was...colon cleanse. Go me!

Actually I was wandering around on Regretsy over the weekend and came across this unfortunate scarf...

(which DOES bear a striking similarity to the scads of horrendous photos people take and post of their freakish mid-cleanse bowel movements) -



and then on an ill-conceived "maybe it's time to spring clean inside and out!" whim, I did a search for "Colonix." Probably not a good idea, had I thought about it... Because this colon cleanse now turns up on EVERY. WEBSITE. I visit. All the time. This is...bothersome. Say I am looking up something at work - yup, there's that Colonix ad! I can't escape it... Haiii, coworker sitting at my desk with me and looking at my monitors! Want to talk about your bowels? No??? Good - me neither!! I think I need to to a good long search for Twilight merchandise to rid myself of the this unwelcome stalker (let's face it: the only stalker I want is Edward). Or maybe it's time to search for something more benign. Perhaps I should limit my online shopping searches to original Twilight art? Found this gem at Regretsy as well (thank goodness we have Helen Killer to find stuff like this so we don't have to...) -

Twilight Zone

Bella Swan, about to deliver her half-vampire baby, travels to Sharpie Island and immediately grows a third breast. After forcing Edward to smell her T-shirt, she attempts to crush him with her massive thighs, but only succeeds in shrinking his feet.

* SPOILER ALERT *


P.S. That looks more like Ashley Greene than Bella - not even Alice! Ashley!

18 comments:

  1. hahahaha shrinking his feet... you are always too funny! love your site.

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  2. ewww!

    Did you know Amazon has quite a large selection of sex toys and bondage paraphernalia?

    Yeah, well you don't want to shop for that there . . . just sayin' . . .

    They will be recommending more of that stuff Every. Fuckin'. Day.

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  3. @TheRugbyMom - yep, been there with Drugstore.com - every time I go there, the stuff on "My List" even frightens me some days... Shouldn't someone have come up with the online equivalent of the plain-brown-wrapper delivery system? Because I WILL go back to brick-and-mortar-ville if I need to - hard as that might be for someone totally spoiled by online shopping. : )

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  4. Oh dear, I certainly hope that the size of Edward's feet does not correlate with the size of his sparkle peen...

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  5. LMAO at the picture and caption! You forgot to mention how Bella apparently ate Edward's neck in order to grow her upper arms to the size of a linebacker's.

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  6. I always wanted a stretchy anal bead scarf. You know, for discreet traveling and whatnot. Who wants to pray security doesn't open their shit when they can just wear the shit covered balls around your neck?! ::shudder::

    And uh...Someone is charging money for that gem of a picture? Jesus god, people will pay for some weird shit.

    ...Makes me want to look up some totally insane stuff JUST so I can see it on the sites I visit. I'm sure it'll backfire when a friend borrows the lappy: "I just wanna check something really quick!" turns in to "OMG WHO WOULD WANT TO BUY VAGINA PERFUME?!?!"


    vw: FORKE.

    Yessssssssssssssssssss

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  7. I often copy the section of google ads and send them to people because they are so hilarious. There was one once that was clown pants, dog leashes and something about poop - at this point I have no idea what was in the emails that led to this grouping but I remember laughing for most of the day LOL!!!

    My hubby would say this about that picture, "Some call it art, some know better." Oh my

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  8. That picture is just... disturbing. I rather wish I had never seen it. Now its there when I close my eyes, haunting me. Thanks for that.

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  9. OMFG! Is that really what comes out after you do a colon cleanse??? TERRIFYING.

    Google loves to stalk me with ads for alcohol recovery and vibrators. Not sure how I feel about that but apparently I talk about booze and dildos a lot.

    Also? That picture is awesomely bad. I almost want it, in all its 3rd boob glory.

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  10. You gals crack me up everyday I like to lurk but had to comment on the pic, I mean most of us are lopsided but that is a big difference in boob size, Bella must be getting off from the clit rub from Edwards shoulder. hehee about the ads I get enlargement ads all the time I do not remember ever talking about or shopping for enlargement supplements.

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  11. I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the colon cleanse or the scarf. I can't even address the drawing.

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  12. OMG I am NEVER doing a colon cleanse if you poop out a shitty scarf!!!

    Seriously the I want the picture with your description in lovely calligraphy on the matting...ow..ow I did 100 sit-ups today...laughing that hard not cool.

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  13. I actually tried to go back and buy Three-Boob-Bella & Tiny-footward (for placement in JJ's lair) today, and it was SOLD! i can't believe i missed out on it!!

    harrumph.

    please tell me that someone here bought it!!

    : )

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  14. That Colonix picture has scarred me for life... until I scrolled down to Esme Cove.

    Google scares me. It's like Big Brother.

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  15. I was totally floored that someone was charging for it. They probably bought it themselves so they wouldnt feel bad. LOL

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  16. I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the colon cleanse or the scarf. I can't even address the drawing.

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  17. I often copy the section of google ads and send them to people because they are so hilarious. There was one once that was clown pants, dog leashes and something about poop - at this point I have no idea what was in the emails that led to this grouping but I remember laughing for most of the day LOL!!!

    My hubby would say this about that picture, "Some call it art, some know better." Oh my

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  18. @TheRugbyMom - yep, been there with Drugstore.com - every time I go there, the stuff on "My List" even frightens me some days... Shouldn't someone have come up with the online equivalent of the plain-brown-wrapper delivery system? Because I WILL go back to brick-and-mortar-ville if I need to - hard as that might be for someone totally spoiled by online shopping. : )

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