Thursday, May 19, 2011

Exercising is hard and I don't wanna.

I'm skinny-fat. I'm not exactly overweight (although I hide my body fat like a fucking ninja), but I have absolutely no muscle tone and if my bathroom scale's body-fat calculator is to be believed, I have butter coursing through my veins.

So when I searched for a photo for "skinny fat," this pic came up. 
Apparently, Kristen Stewart has called herself "skinny fat" in the past.
In related news, I need to stop calling myself "skinny fat."

When I said recently that I was committed to shaping up, I meant it. I just didn't realize how far gone I was at the time... I guess it's been over ten years (-ish) since I've exercised regularly. Note: muscle-memory is a myth. Or my muscles just can't remember that far back. Let's face it--I can barely remember what I wore yesterday, so I can't expect that somehow my muscles remember their glory days. If they had them.

In the interim years since I last worked out consistently, I rarely broke a sweat doing anything more exerting then wrestling open a box of Cheez-Its. Honestly, it's been so long since I've exercised that my typical reaction to feeling a significant increase in my heart rate is not "feel the burn!" - it's "holy crow, I'd better stop doing whatever it is I am doing right now!" In my defense, I've been uber-aware of my heart lately. When I noticed an erratic beat, I went screeching to the doctor, then wore a monitor for a day, and later was told that I have a "normal" irregular heart beat. I'm still freaked out by this, but rumor has it that exercising will actually help fix this problem. (and not in a bad, final way. probably.)

I've made some token efforts here and there... I bought exercise related stuff, which has got to count for something, right? Workout clothes, fancy sneakers that are supposed to magically shrink your ass, dvds, books - seriously, if thinking about being fit and buying scads of well-intentioned gear was the key to fitness, I'd be giving Jillian Michaels a run for her money. But I've rarely actually put that stuff into action, or I've use it once or twice and then it starts to collect dust.

 The package I need to get in shape now. 
Treadmill must be moving for laptop to function. 
Cat optional, and there better be vodka in that glass. 

I've never been one of those people who likes exerting myself. I didn't really play sports as a kid--I'll save my Little League story for another day, but everyone didn't get a trophy in my day--and I always hated gym class. When we had "Fitness" in gym, also known as "spending 45 minutes running," I would always be on the lookout for any male gym teacher who would let me of the hook if I complained about "female trouble." When forced to run, I would tag along with the end of the pack like the rest of the ne'er-do-well smokers I hung out with at the time. [Note from JJ: I totally did this too. AND I played sports. I hated that 45 minute run.]

While I hate exercising, I love the results. When I was in my twenties, I used to work out at a Gold's Gym in the free-weight room. This is where all the muscle-heads would hang, and I may have gotten a contact high from the steroids. Some days it felt like my entire workout consisted of racking some lazy knucklehead's 25-lb plates from the quad machine thingy (which has a proper name that I have long since forgotten, if I ever knew it in the first place). I had a routine that had been put together for me by a competitive body-builder friend, and it kicked my ass. Or it felt like it kicked my ass, literally. I found myself relying heavily on the bars in the handicapped stalls at work because I could hardly bend my legs. It was agony-inducing, but it worked.

This is pretty much what I was going for at the time.

There have been some well-intentioned fits and starts since then - running, jumping around to random dvds with Jenny Jerkface, Wii Fit, taking up martial arts to fulfill my childhood fantasy of kicking the asses of bullies who taunted me channel my inner Bruce Lee. Shockingly, given that I have Bella-level coordination chops, I was not very good at Jeet Kune Do, but it was cool to work out with someone who trained directly under Bruce Lee. 

I must have been absent when they taught this move. Or maybe I would have had to test out of the beginner part of the room to get to the real bad-ass stuff. Regardless, my dad tells everyone I have a black belt, so at least one of us is impressed by the six months I spent sweating from places where I didn't even know I had glands and pretending I didn't have alcohol oozing from my pores when I showed up on Saturday mornings. To this day, I feel a reflexive need to methodically kick, punch, and yell "Yes, Sifu!" when I hear Prodigy's "Firestarter" cranked to 10.

  See?! I'm not the only one who likes to kick some ass! 
I'm just not this cute when I stick my tongue out.

Anyhoo, it's almost summer and shit's getting real. I can't hide in winter clothes much longer, despite the fact that the weather in New Jersey has been decidedly cold, damp and downright Forks-like this week. I need to get it together and maybe even abide by my "no wheat/eggs/dairy" food allergy rules, which omit so many food groups that I'll lose weight even if I remain a lazy slob. But I'm committed to putting more effort into it - and hoping that telling everyone I know will help guilt me into getting off my butt. I'd like to be able to not feel like I am going to keel over every time I exert myself a tiny bit. I know it's all about baby steps, so that's the way I'll start - take the stairs not the elevator, park further away from my destination, walking instead of driving downtown when I need a few things. It'll add up, and before I know it, I'll be able to sprint faster than Robert Pattinson being chased by a rabid hormonal mob.

Who's with me???

Note from JJ: Me. You. Donaldson Park. I have running shoes and an inhaler, not to mention the tenaciousness of a fucking pitbull on acid. First person to give up the jog... oh forget it. We'll get twenty feet and turn around and go back to you house for a cocktail.


  1. Im with you STY! I have decided I will lose the weight I have gained in the last 3 years *coughs* 30 lbs *coughs* Im all about low carb & lots of water. I know I'll need to work out too...I just have to figure out how to do so while reading smut & tweeting.

  2. If not for burning fat, do it for your heart.  Even just a quick 30 min walk does your heart good. I want you around. Call me selfish.

    As for me, I hate the feeling of expending energy. Do I feel good 20 minutes into my eliptical machine rendevouz or my rollreblade, YES...but the first 20 min I want to kick a baby duck in the face.   Plus, I hate sweating.  Hence why I was a competative swimmer.....don't know you're sweating when you're in the pool! ;)

    xoxo J 

  3. MOII started p90 x..and a diet..and got a gym membership... and didnt get very far..Seriously...I NEED TO LOOSE 30,, LBS And get heart healthy.....I's that working??? You are tall and have long legs..and look perfect....short n fat is not Cute.....I need motivation..Back in the day, I was into weight lifting...hubs got 2nd place in a bodybuilding contest...back sooooo loooooong ago...then kids. see...I wouldn't mind being slightly overweight if I could have some energy...ok ...enough.....I will TRY harder....good luck snarkierthanyou...happy healthy get fit year...

  4. I love that you posted this today. I just spent over an hour at the gym on the treadmill o' death in a last-ditch effort to lose a few pounds before my brother's wedding next month. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to walk tomorrow. *facepalm* I like to combine diets for the "best" result possible....slimfast, salads aka rabbit food, and diet pills. I know, I am the poster child for healthy living. ;)

  5. OMFE, this line killed me...

    "In the interim years since I last worked out consistently, I rarely
    broke a sweat doing anything more exerting then wrestling open a box of

    I can relate...although for me, that exercise would've been dead lifting Oreos.

    Get a dog...they need to be walked. They demand to be walked.

  6. This post made my day.  I am sitting here reading it after getting my arse kicked by my punk-arse, ex-militay, 20-something trainer at 6 AM. I am pretty my trainer sure was in whatever division of the military that is in charge of torture - he has a gift for it.

    I lost my dad a week after his 53rd bday to a massive heart attack and stroke and recently had to go on blood pressure meds myself so I decided in February it was time to hit the gym for the first time in my life.  I am 32 so I every time my heart flutters or I feel sick I go see my doctor.  I was upset when I had to go on meds for my blood pressure, but it was the wake up call I needed.   I didn't want to only have 21 years left.  I need to be around to see  the second installment of Breaking Dawn....which feels like it is 21 years away!

    At first going to the gym/working out sucked, but now I am getting used to my routine and even sort of like my punk-arse trainer.   I feel loads better and am seeing results especially with my heart and blood pressure.  I pay more attention to what I eat and I do still indulge, but most of all I have a new appreciation for life and health.  

    I am rooting for you STY!!!!!  You can do it.  We need you around for a long time to come.  

  7. I used to love exercise.  Now I'm just plain lazy.  However, here is my take: if you start off with the goal of running 30 minutes a day six days a week, and weightlifting, and dieting, how far will you get?  Maybe a day or two before you quit.  It's too overwhelming to start off that crazy.  I say start small - walk for 10 minutes, and then STOP.  And then maybe two days later, walk for ten minutes again.  Build up slowly.  It's a lot easier to take the stairs down than it is to jump off the building. 

    Also?  That pic of Rob with his tongue out is so cute.  Sometimes I just want to.... hug him.  

  8. Wow hard time this morning getting disqus to let me enter something in the comment box. 
    I too am in dire need of getting off my arse and starting to work out.  Dogs don't help when they have acres to run in and four other friends to chase.  But things will change with the new place, we are downsizing so dogs will have to be walked to get their exercise and this will get me off my fat arse too. 

  9.  I've had good luck int he past with low-carb - well, i wouldn't call it "luck" i guess - it's HARD to give up bread, and pizza is the perfect food imho... but it's true what they say that nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right? except maybe pizza. and a good loaf of bread with fancy european butter. or chocolate. and alcohol is low carb, right??? gah...

  10.  I would try swimming but that would mean i had to suit up, right?? Crap... Actually the only gym i know around here with a pool has the pool area glassed in so that anyone walking outside the facility can look in (and it's in a high-traffic area - blerg). no. way. i would exercise in a closet if i could. i don't even like mr. snarky around when i am flailing around.

  11.  px90-have heard good-but scary!-things-lol! i think @mgy tried that??? and ftr, i have stubby legs for my height. loooong torso. boo.

  12.  hey @43bd7344ca5e35473f7523c0310ae606:disqus ! nice to see you in these parts - and i feel your pain! well, been there - trying to lose weight for an event is good motivation but calls for desperate measures (especially something like that where there will be a million pictures - eep).

  13.  It's true, though! have you ever tried ripping open that inner plastic bag?! it's nearly impossible! i figure i work off the half-box of cheez-its just getting to the damn things (please don't blow my bubble here with any rational thoughts on calories expended vs. eaten, ok?).

  14.  i think i need an arse-kicking 20-something military person to chase me around and get me going - lol! i could probably afford it if i stopped buying so much damn food, too. and thanks (to you and everyone!) who's rooting for me! definitely helps to know that i have a team. : )

  15.  you got it exactly right - when i've started off doing too much, well, it's TOO MUCH and i stop. because stopping is ridiculously easy!!

    p.s. i want to do stuff besides hug rpatts when i see his tongue sticking out. just sayin'.

  16.  i am seriously considering asking my neighbor if i can walk their dog around town! it's got to be a great motivator. well, i could do without the poop-picking-up pat, but otherwise seems like a good deal. : )

  17. You should find out if they have a water aerobics class, those are almost always filled with senior citizens and people too fat to walk without assistance, in comparison you'll look like a super model. 

  18. That's what hubs is for!  He does all the poo picking up, I avoid it at all costs if possible.  Our dogs are rank!
    The dog has to be well behaved or else you're just being dragged down the road, by this uncontrollable beast.  Which could be considered more of a workout :) 

  19. When I got my first coonhound, he was so strong I had to walk him with two leashes. Needless to say, it was quite a workout! Now that he's much older, and leash-trained, he's like walking a kitty cat. My new bloodhound is a different story. She's crAZy!

  20. It IS scary!! The guy is hawt tho..I only did it for a week..I must say, it hurt but in a good workout kinda way..DD just got Zumba for playstation..I love to dance..hmmm. cousin made me join weight watchers even tho I really don't want to..maybe she will motivate me.... at this point I'll try anything..oh, and you seem tall to me I'm only 5'1.

  21. PS.. STY JJ LKW TK ...I'm liking the new features ..I can even edit my shiz.. way cool.

  22. ha! is it wrong that i actually think this sounds like a good idea??? it's a crime how vain i am. or a sin. oh yeah that latter one...

  23. thank goodness someone besides us likes it (and JJ can't even comment from work) - because everyone else and their mother thinks it sucks and can't make it go - lol...

    i am fairly tall - 5'7" or 5'8" depending on how hunched over i am - but for my height, my legs are on the short-ish side. nit-picky, i know, but when i was a teen i was friends with a girl who was my height almost exactly but her legs must have been several inches longer than mine. can't win 'em all!

    JJ and i thought about doing Zumba if only for the ridulouslly funny post we cold write about it after we'd recovered from our injuries, but we never did it. honestly i went to set up my "wii fitness coach" program a little while back and almost hurled after doing jumping jacks for two minutes. i was very shocked at how that kicked my ass - two minutes! wtf happened to me?! oh yeah i got older - lol... let me know how wii zumba it - definitely something i would be better trying from the privacy of my own home. with jj. still gonna be a laugh riot and we can video tape it if we're feeling ballsy. or drunk. i don't dance unless i'm drunk, soooo... sounds like a plan to me! : )

  24. if i had a dog that strong, i'd just wear rollerblades and let them go nuts. and i see people running their dogs alongside bikes in these parts, but i think that takes a special dog and someone much more coordinated than myself. i can barely but one foot in front of the other sometimes; adding wheels and another being with potentially differing opinions about what direction we're going in and how fast we're going sounds like a recipe for disaster.

  25. Pppsssshhhh...I'm going to start calling myself "fat skinny" from now on.  Sounds much better! 

  26.  Try Couch 2 5K - I was in the same position as you a year ago, formerly in decent shape but hadn't worked out at all in years.  Used the iPhone app and was able to run a 5K without dying after just a few weeks.  Even ended up attempting a 1/2 marathon a few months later.

  27. first time posting with the new format. we'll see how it goes...

    I have been doing the Insanity workouts (same people that do P90X) which are great cuz there are no weights or equipment you need to buy. You can go at your own pace, too. They definitely kick my ass, but are really helping. Plus, I don't have to work out in front of anyone and I can do them whenever I have time.

    I also have an arrhythmia and am on meds for it, even though it is "normal". Feeling my heartbeat skipping or fluttering freaks me out, and it was happening too much for me. Chocolate, coffee (even decaf!), and stress make it worse. And I can't stay away from chocolate, no matter what!

    Watching Twilight while running on the treadmill is also very rewarding :)

  28. ok so how do I log on as myself? i'm Fragile Little Human. it's logging on with my email and doesn't have my avi

  29. hmmm... an excuse to get an iphone, you say??? i like it! and it sounds amazing.

  30. stress, caffeine, chocolate makes it worse? well i'm fucked - lol...

    we're working on the disqus situation - promise! not sure why it grabs some of the wrong info - wish i could figure it out myself!

  31. just trying to post again...

  32. Fragile Little HumanMay 21, 2011 at 8:51 PM


  33. Fragile_Little_HumanMay 21, 2011 at 9:16 PM

    i figured it out. i had to make a disqus account and it linked it to my google account. now i can post with ease. all is right in the twiworld...

  34.  I'm with you (three days late...go fig).  My gut check?  Went in to try on my wedding dress...And it didn't fit.  We're not talking drastic holy-shit-gotta-rush-order-a-fat-dress, but it was snug.  The chick at the shop was really nice about it, "Maybe you just need to get a bra that has very little padding."  <-- You've met me.  Do I look like I would EVER spend money on a PADDED bra?!?!?!  What the fuck do I need padding for?!  So anyway, as soon as I got home from that appt, I got drunk and vowed to lose the 5-10lbs I need for this dress to fit, then another 5-10 so I can say I got the shit taken in (I'm vain like that I guess). 

    I am seriously considering dropping my carb load (and I don't mean shit), but for now, I've just been waking up at 530am to hang out with Jillian Michaels.  That psycho exercise bitch is good.  She makes me want to punch her in the face repeatedly, which to me, means she's doing her job. 

  35. I've done Jillian Michaels videos before and pretty much spent the
    entire time huffing, sweating and screaming "shut the fuck up you skinny
    fucking horsefaced whorebag!!!" so yeah, I'd say she's pretty
    effective. I've had her video propped up against the chalkboard in my
    kitchen for months now. Maybe one day I'll actually use it again.

    And I want a picture of you in your wedding dress. 

  36. Im in! I feel like you just read my mind and wrote a freaking post about my thoughts. Kinda creepy. Let's do this! Maybe we can all skype while working out so it's like we're doing it together. ;)  


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