Friday, May 20, 2011

Us vs. Them - The Suburban Backyard Edtion

For those of you who may not have been around at that time, in 2009 ML and I embarked on an adventure. It was called “buying a house”. I’ll leave out the many gory details but it basically involved us putting a bid on a house and ML immediately setting off on tour with his band for a month, leaving me to deal with lawyers and packing up our apartment in 100 degree weather with no air conditioning. Essentially, it was really just me freaking out on a daily basis and leaving viciously angry messages on his cell phone while he was off gallivanting around the country.

 Home sweet home... the bathroom is gorgeous. It's out back...

It was about as fun as having someone gouge out my eyes with a rusty spork.

Anyway, we survived the process and became proud owners of a little arts and crafts style house with awesome molding, a wraparound porch and a lovely, but big**, backyard. While I love everything about our little abode, I was less than thrilled at having a piece of land that required me to do more than just stare at it.

I am not a garden person. I hate weeding with a fucking passion and flowers attract bees, which scare the ever loving fuck out of me. I almost got hit by a car running away from bee because I was too busy flailing around like a mental patient and screaming.

I totally pooped my pants looking at this

In the end I embraced the backyard, especially when ML and I planted a cute little vegetable garden last summer. It’s no joke taking care of a garden but I figured between me and ML, we’d do just fine.

Immediately after the plants went into the ground, ML went on tour for a month. Does anyone else see a pattern here?

Regardless, I dutifully went out there every single day and weeded and watered and all that shit, telling myself it’ll all be worth it when our vegetables finally produce and I can eat yummy salads and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

This did not happen. The day I went out to harvest all our vegetables, I noticed the flimsy plastic fencing was looking a little squashed. There were no veggies left inside, only a few chewed-up tomato stalks and a shit load of deer hoof prints.

Wrong. Evil deer wasn't watching me masturbate because she was too busy eating my fucking vegetables. Also, learn how to spell masturbate, fuckhead. 

Let’s just say I didn’t react well and I’m pretty sure the next door neighbor’s kid learned a few fancy swear words that day.

Fast forward to this year. ML has been working tirelessly to build a Fort Knox structure to put our precious veggies in. Metal fencing, a retaining wall. Hell, there’s even a fucking perimeter that separates the fence from the vegetables, so unless we have giraffes, nothing is getting in there. The deer must be quaking in their hooves.

Or not. The other day I got a text message picture from ML while I was at work. He stayed home to finish the deer proof fence and begin to plant our veggies. He went inside for five minutes to get a glass of water and happened to look out the window when he saw this:

 Looks like someone's waiting for the all-you-can-eat buffet to open...

It’s war, mother fuckers. And we have opposable thumbs and a possibly a slingshot. Okay, we're not resorting to violence. Yet.

** I should point out that our yard is big by the standards of our town and not by, say, someone who lives in Maine or Colorado and probably has a backyard the size of our county or something.


  1. Holy shite!!! You have a forest outback??? I get coons..never folk..I hope you get to eat your yummy vegies this year...I am going to do hydroponics and try tomatoes..I hear deer is rather tasty...maybe latchkeywife can come Help you out with that lil problem..

  2. Go and get hair clippings from the barber and put them on the garden. It DOES work. They will stay away.
    I almost hit an elk the other day. Good thing you don't have those cuz they're like the giraffe. hahaha!

  3. Put a few life-size Edwards out back... That should do the trick ;)

  4. Maybe you should hire Mr. Latchkey Wife to take care of the deer problem for you!

  5. I have heard of this!! Is it okay if the hair is heavily dyed? lol!

    Elk, eh? I'm pretty sure Fort Knox would do nothing to prevent an elk from getting through to the veggies. Heard those fuckers are huge. 

  6. Oh, you mean like this???  


  7. I find it hysterical that more than person has suggested that I invite Mr. Latchkey down for some deer wrestling. Or shooting, but I'm thinking my neighbors and the local authorities might frown upon shooting firearms in my backyard. 

  8. I was crying laughing when I saw that picture. If Jurrasic Park taught us anything, it's that nature always finds a way...

  9. So that's what trees look like!  Sorry, I live in Vegas land of palm trees and douchebag tourists.  Damn that Bambi, thinking he's so tough.  Get shot once and you think you're indestructible.  Just ask 50 cents or half a dollar as I like to call him. 

    Where is Edward in the beginning of Twilight to eat the fucker? 

  10. LMAO!!

    I've never been to Vegas but I want to go. We're lucky that we have lots of trees around here (I think those are Maples. Or Oaks.) but I'm allergic to trees. And everything else. Except maybe palm trees. 

  11. I have mostly blocked out the experience of helping to pack up your old place (all the while knowing you could possibly be homeless if the house fell through). good times...

     it DOES like you have real honest-to-goodness wilderness in your back yard - i'm still surprised by how many deer there are wandering around this area - i usually drive around town worrying that i might run over a squirrel or something. if a deer jumped out in front of my car, i'd probably pee my pants.

  12.  We have rabbits that get into things.  And i had a dog once that ate every red tomato on my vines.  I didn't figure it out until I caught her with her doggie elbow on my counter swiping at the tomatoes in the back.  She would leave the cores in her bed.  She was very resourceful.

    I'm going to try to plant stuff tomorrow.  I'm really late but have had way too much stuff to do.

    I'm glad I could post this since we could all be dead right now.  The end of the world and all that.

  13. I shit you not....piss in a cup or three and put them at the edges of your yard where the deer fucks are getting in.  You can make it a game.  When ML gets nice and toasted, tell him to fill the cups.  It's way more disgusting [read: awesome] than hair clippings (which works so so well, btw) and a less neighbor friendly, but come on.  When else do you get to piss in a cup for reasons that aren't related to hospitals, jails, or jobs?

  14. Dude, if that deer has a middle finger, you're totally getting it right now. Mr. Latchkey would love to come take care of your, ahem, problem... 

  15. I have mental images of ML stumbling over to the garden after a night of hearty drinking and pissing all over the place while our neighbors are in their backyard having a nightcap or something. I'm torn between thinking this would be hysterical or absolutely horrible. 


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