Thursday, May 5, 2011

I Do Everything Half-Assed. Except Falling Down the Stairs. That, I Do With Flair...

So, this past Monday was just like every other Monday--I bitched about it being Monday, whined about how my commute sucks, and had a heated discussion with ML about how my food texture issues are going to kill me in the upcoming zombie apocalypse because you can't be picky about what you eat when zombies are trying to eat you. Whatever, oatmeal still makes me want to projectile vomit.


Take that, you zombie motherfuckers... 

I did make a feeble attempt to fold a basket of laundry that had been sitting in our TV room for a week but I only got halfway through it before I decided that I needed to work on some writing. So I abandoned our wrinkled garments, poured myself a glass of wine and headed to the basement.

And that was when shit got weird. And by weird I mean "fell-down-the-stairs-like-a-fucking-bag-of-hammers".

Before I continue on, I would like to provide full disclosure, since everyone asks the same goddamn question when I tell this story and it's not "oh my! Are you okay?"

So, I'll beat you to the punch: No, I was not drunk. Assholes.

However, I was carrying a glass of red wine when my flip flop suddenly decided to freak the fuck out and shoot out from under me, only to seek refuge in the hem of my ridiculously long dress.

 Picture courtesy of a very unsympathetic coworker. Clearly, he's a total douche-canoe

Falling was a very strange experience. It felt like I was sliding down those stairs for awhile because I was very busy making conscious decisions, like trying to sit up so I didn't crack my head on the steps. Or deciding that I shouldn't try to grab the railing because a) I didn't want flip under the railing and fall into the pile of potentially dangerous crap that was beneath it and b) I was holding the wine glass and trying to keep it from breaking as much possible because I figured adding broken glass to the free-for-all would be a bad idea.

 What's directly under my basement stairs. Sort of. Not really.

I remember hitting the floor and then my next thought was "I wonder if ML heard that because holyshit would that be embarrassing," as if I flitted down the stairs like a delicate butterfly instead of catapulted down them like a fucking sack of bricks. The muffled shriek and pounding footsteps overhead clued me into the fact that, yes, ML had indeed heard.

ML is a pretty stoic guy. He's not a man of many words, but when he does speak he's usually really funny. Or downright weird. He almost never displays emotion. Even keeled, that guy. So, when he freaked out when he took in the scene, I kind of freaked out too. I mean, there I was lying at the bottom of the stairs, wondering vaguely if I let something very large fuck me in the ass because I was in serious pain in that region and ML suddenly goes into panicked paramedic mode and starts talking about all the blood. I couldn't figure out why he was so upset because I was pretty sure the only thing I broke was my asshole.

And then it hit me: I was covered from head to toe in red wine. Except ML didn't realize that. He thought it was blood. I kept telling him I was okay as he kept trying to push me back into a prone position and babbling about broken spines or something. It's a little hazy. Finally, I managed to convince him that it was not blood but wine I was covered in.

 I'm assuming I looked like this, only tits over ass on the basement floor and minus the corsage

Wanna guess what his next question was? (Psssst, if you can't figure it out, scroll up a few paragraphs. Also, stop reading my posts drunk. Assholes.)

Poor ML. It didn't help that apparently I had not uttered a sound the entire time this little incident occurred. ML admitted later that he heard the glass shatter, heard me hit every step, and the fact that I didn't make a peep, not a yell or a curse, scared him more than anything.

Because I'm always running my mouth.

Once I convinced ML that I didn't need to go to the hospital, I cleaned up and poured myself another glass of wine. But this time, I hung around the dining room. Those basement stairs are a bitch. It wasn't until the next day that I was able to see the full amount of damage I had done. I know I was very lucky to escape with only a few scrapes and a huge bruise but man...my ass looks like someone put it through a meat grinder.

Essentially what my right butt cheek looks like right now. Annnnd I can move steak to the "Do Not Eat or You Will Barf Vociferously" list...

I mean seriously, it looks like I had an extended play-date with 50 Shades in his Red Room of Pain or something. I was very tempted to start telling people that ML was beating me every time they asked why I was walking around like I had a two-by-four stuck up my ass. But every once in awhile I can be a nice girlfriend and not a pain in his ass.

Don't worry, it won't last long.

34 comments:

  1. Holy Shite!!! I broke my ass sledding once...hope your but is better soon, you didn't hurt your tailbone did you? Cause that can be long lasting and very painfull.. I still can't sit in a wooden chair. I'm so glad you didn't get seriously hurt..you need to be more careful..ps..I have and extra helmet from Hockey if you'd like, and I'm sure there are lots of pads and protectors around too, and possibly a slightly used mouth guard...there yours if you need..oh, and try not to drink and walk too much...we need you. Glad your ok..love ya

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  2. cullenary curserMay 5, 2011 at 10:06 PM

    Fuck I did that as a teen. Minus the wine glass, plus a crowd of people. It was so awful no one made fun of me slipping - they were just silent. I ended up with a serious bruise. It was wonderful shades of blue and purple.

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  3. cullenary curserMay 5, 2011 at 10:07 PM

    Oh and of course, I'm glad you're okay!

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  4. Oh JJ! So glad that you're ok. But I'm sorry, the first thing I thought was "she must have had a few." JK. sorta. I've done some "Flying Wallenda" acts myself. But, I am mystified that you were silent while you were flitting down like a butterfly!

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  5. I learn a new insult everytime you post JJ and I love it! Will be using the term "douch-canoe" sometime tomorrow. So sorry about the sore bum, that's gotta be painful...but it makes for an entertaining blog post

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  6. Jeeesus JJ - every time I pop over here to see whats what, you have a new tale of woe! I think we may need to pool together and take out a life insurance policy on your sore sorry ass! We def need to work on your Karma girl. In the meantime, take it easy and heal up. While your doing that, maybe you can zip on over to 107 Year Old Virgin's blog (http://107yearoldvirgin.blogspot.com/2009/11/monchichi-monchichi.html) and read her story Maybe where Bella is a reporter covering the SxSW music festival and let us know if it's worth the read. I'd be interested in your knowledgeable opinion and seriously please take care of yourself we luv u...

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  7. Like most people in the northern hemisphere, I've seen JJ's ass & it looks much worse than it sounds. The bruise, not the ass. Ok, the ass too.

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  8. By the way, I've seen 15 Step recommended twice in the last several days over at A Different Forest. Thought that might cheer you up a bit...

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  9. Holy guacamole bat man...as a person who finds herself ass over elbow on a fairly regular basis, let me extend my condolences on your tumble.

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  10. if it makes you feel any better....this is a re-enactment photo my friend made me do following a particularly harrowing trip down this flight of stairs.

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  11. I remember talking about this with you on twitter...was it just on Monday? Anyhoo, that pic of the bloody prom chick (can't remember from which movie..Carrie?...is fucking hilarious.

    Glad you're ok...that is so something I would do. Bull in a china shop, that's me.

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  12. Ooh *looks around* this is a bit fancy! I might let you off with the comment spamming while you were setting it up now ;o). Lolol at ML thinking the wine was blood! I once slid on my arse down the carpeted steps into a hotel bar. Yes, I was VERY drunk and it was also in front of a bloke that I had just met in the pub and invited back for a nightcap. Not good.

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  13. Oh I love you for this!! You've so cheered up my friday, I've laughed out loud countless times in this post! Hilarious - on a serious note...where you drunk? lmfao!!

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  14. OMG, I have "falling down stairs phobia" - based on actually always falling down stairs. This post horrified me! And cracked me up. Glad you are ok!

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  15. Ok let’s see if this works, I've been having a hell of a time trying to comment.
    I'm glad you’re ok. Falling down the stairs sucks! Isn’t it weird how clearly and quickly you can assess your situation and make decisions?
    I did it at work a couple of years ago; I tripped at the top of a flight of stairs stumbled down about 4 stairs tried to grab the railing, almost did. This pivoted me around and then my heel gave out, I fell backwards down about 4 more stairs landing on the concrete landing. I was thinking the whole time, don’t hit your head don’t hit your head. What did I do.... Hit my head on the landing. I was black & blue front and back, I sprained my knee, sprained a couple of fingers.

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  16. YL thought the wine was blood? Scary for him but that part is funny in hindsight, no? I've had 'cartoon falls' on ice and had that same reaction of being rendered dazed & speechless. Glad you are okay and no full body cast was needed.

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  17. OK...I've composed myself after my full name appeared next to my, "OMG I can comment" comment.
    I fell recently down the stairs at my mother's house and your brain makes a thousand decisions during that brief moment of fear and despair. Unfortunately, all the decisions I made led me to the hospital. Kudos, JJ, for staying off the stretcher. (Yes, the fire department carried me out in a stretcher...lol!)

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  18. I'm a little disappointed you didn't put a pic of your ass up here. Maybe next time?

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  19. I thought about it. Came real close. I did make ML take a picture of it, after all. But then I remembered friends and coworkers read this blog and I thought that might make things... weird.

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  20. Oh no! The fire department? That awful. I'm glad you're okay now.

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  21. BWAWAWA!!! That's hilarious. I actually thought about doing that...

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  22. Well, I'm happy that you can write about it now. Let's just thank God, that you weren't seriously injured-Plus we don't have basements in Hawaii, so I'm picturing your stairs being dank, dark and made of splintered wood... like in those horror films. In fact, I'm more freaked out that you went to the "basement", than you falling. Does ML need to install one of those mechanized chair lifts to escort you down the stairs? Mmmkay, be careful!!

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  23. omg, I can attach a picture!! Here's a pic of the stairs o' death. Also, we have random instruments everywhere.

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  24. Honolulu_Girl_SuzMay 6, 2011 at 3:06 PM

    Holy crap, you have a concrete wall right at the bottom and a small landing. I can see why ML freaked out when he saw you at the bottom, covered in red. I'm sorry your tushy hurts, but better the tushy, than your head.

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  25. Hahahahahahaha this was awesome

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  26. I'd be worried about hitting that brick wall at the bottom! That sucker would hurt.

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  27. I saw the ass. It wasn't pretty. It gave me nightmares.

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  28. Annie AuthorVandVMay 7, 2011 at 9:26 PM

    LMAO. Okay..I feel your pain...literally. A month or so ago I had a fall in the bathroom at about 5 o'clock in the morning. I was merely replacing the t.p. and thought I could do it in the dark. Problem was I'd forgotton the step stool I'd left in the middle of the floor. When I tripped, I overcompensated by throwing myself backwards, falling into the bathtub. Slammed my head on the tile wall on the way down and broke a ceramic fixture from the wall that had been cemented there over 60 years ago. My family came running, and after they determined that I probably didn't have a concussion..at least not a major one, I wasn't speaking in tongues or anything, although my head hurt like a motherfucker for days!! Hubs then accused me of trying to demolition the bathroom with my head. Asshole.

    I'm sorry for the pain in your ass. ; )

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  29. Well I am glad all that your hurt was your butt and maybe some pride. Glad ML was there to panic, that is true love ;) Feel better soon.

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  30. Ouch! My friend was at a housewarming party and fell down the stairs while carrying a drink and a full plate of food. Funny part is that she was able to catch her hamburger on her plate (while everything else spilled). Drunk guy at the bottom of the stairs was like, "Woah! Are you ok? Holy! You fell so hard you broke your burger in half! How did you do that?" (She had pre-cut the burger in half upstairs but he didn't believe her)

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  31. Holy shit, you fell into the tub?!? That had to hurt like crazy!! You're lucky you didn't cut yourself on the ceramic!

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  32. OHMYGOD!! You know people always fall coming up the stairs where I work & it is REALLY HARD not to laugh. You fall sounds like it could have been pretty bad though. Glad your okay so we could hear about it. (and laugh). ;-)

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