Sunday, May 8, 2011

I Even Procrastinated on Writing This Post

My level of procrastination is without parallel. I've decided I need an intervention. Later. This weekend the TK family took a little trip to Anntastic23's neck of the woods. (As an aside, she is the loveliest person ever. End of story.) We've been planning this trip for several months. Despite my 'ZOMG SQUEEEEEE' excitement, I didn't manage to start inventorying clean clothes and packing until about 20 minutes before we needed to leave for the airport. I am awesome.

About a week before the trip, I made a mental list of things I needed to do ASAP. The list consisted of items like making sure the boy can locate a matching pair of shoes, checking the weather so I can plan ensembles accordingly, doing laundry, more laundry and then some more laundry, etc. None of those things happened. We needed to be out of the house fairly early on Friday morning. Our flight didn't leave until mid-day, but I fit some sort of terrorist profile and it always takes us FOREVER to get through security. I have no idea why, but it's been the case since the first time I set foot in an airport.

How I see myself.

How airport security sees me.

Thus far I've been able to narrowly avoid a full cavity search. I always get pulled aside, patted down (even before this was the norm) and my belongings swabbed with those things that test for bomb-making residue. My mouth doesn't seem to be concerned about my sanctum sanctorum being probed by disgruntled security personnel and I usually manage to make things worse for myself. I try to mind my P's and Q's a little more since it was intimated I was thisclose to being hosed down in a concrete room if I didn't STFU. It's not that I have a problem with authority; just with people who think they can tell me what to do. It's totally different in a pretty-much-the-same-thing kind of way. I might have made a sarcastic comment (pre 9/11, mind you) while my purse was being swabbed down for trace chemicals about being a member of the Local 401 Pipe Bomb Builders Union. ("We meet every second Thursday!") I learned my lesson, but it still takes us forever and a day to get through security.

Knowing all of this was ahead of me on Friday, I decided to kick it into SRS BSNS mode Thursday night. Sort of.

List of priorities in my head:
  1. Laundry
  2. Pack myself
  3. Pack the boy
  4. Feed and water the cat
  5. Start writing my next blog post
List of tasks that actually happened:
  1. Scrubbed the kitchen counters five times
  2. Cleaned the baseboards
  3. Pet the cat
  4. Stared at something shiny
  5. Moved all the furniture in the living room and vacuumed under it
  6. Painted my toenails
  7. Rummaged around in the pantry
  8. Held the cat over my head and sang the opening song from The Lion King
  9. Yelled at Mr. TK for procrastinating
I was in full panic mode on Friday morning because — shock of all shocks — we had no clean clothes and the boy couldn't find two shoes that matched each other. We somehow managed to make it out of the house on time, but I was sans toiletries because I forgot to check what you're allowed to carry on a plane this week. Is it one ounce of liquid in a clear plastic bag, or three ounces in a paper bag, or absolutely no liquid allowed on the plane whatsoever, including the urine and blood inside your body? I can't keep up anymore.

We made it to the airport with time to spare. I didn't get pulled aside in the security line (first time ever!). Everything went without incident until the trip home. We very nearly missed our flight. Why? Because we lost time prancing around the mall looking at junk we didn't need to purchase. We ran through the airport, Home Alone style, pushing down old ladies and small children. We finally made it to the check in counter (because the online check in was down, as were the self-service kiosks) and the nice lady explained how completely and utterly we were fucked. The boy danced around and sang "We're staying another niiiiiight!" while Mr. TK begged to be seated on the nose of the plane. We did manage to get on the plane and arrived home safe and sound.

This was Mr. TK. Er, in a masculine way.

I have learned a valuable lesson though. Procrastination is bad. I am totally going to get my act together. Tomorrow. Or the day after.

I have absolutely no segue here, but I wanted to wish all the mommies a happy Mother's Day. Whether you are the parent of a human or furry/scaley/slimey baby, we hope you enjoy your day.


  1. Ohmigod!!!! I think I love you!!!! "....stared at something shiny", we must be long lost sibs.....thanks! And happy Mudders day! (still laughing)

  2. Even though we've never met, I heart you hard, TK!! Your posts, procrastinated or not, never fail to make me PMSL. Need to go get a clean pair of pants now.

  3. I'm so happy to know that I'm not the only one that holds my cat over my head singing Lion King! TK, I can always rely on your post to make me laugh for the next hour. Thank you for that

  4. i would pay good money to see video of you singing the theme song from The Lion King with your cat hoisted over your head. i'll even settle for a dramatic reenactment of the original event. please?

    and happy mother's day. plus special virtual hugs are going out to everyone who might have had a tough time of it for one reason or another. xo

  5. Happy Mother's Day!! ...I totally do the Lion King thing with Thunder Cat. She doesn't care. But the DOG DOES! She seems to be a little skiddish when she hears "HEEEEEY SIN SQUENADOOOO EEE SKIDAH DOHHHH." That, and it's hard to hold a 45lb dog over your head. They're kind of squirmy, and they do not like it when you accidentally heave them into the ceiling.

    I don't know how I don't get searched every time I go to the damned airport. I even asked the TSA agent if the body scanner would pick up my ben-wa balls....She laughed and said "yeah, probably." I wasn't wearing them (because The Bentist wouldn't let me. Killjoy), but it would have been fun to go to the back room, strip down, spread my legs and relaaaaaax *clink clink"

  6. I stil don't really know what I'm doing with DISQUS but we'll see if this works.

    TK, you kill me. "I've decided I need an intervention. Later." <--- BRILLIANT

  7. I'm evil and @texaskatherine your post made me feel better about myself. Thank you for that.

    Great post!

  8. I want to see this re-enactment of the singing of the theme to Lion King with the cat hoisted over your head. I sing to my dogs, but can't lift 60lbs over my head. I've never had a problem with security when flying... But then I haven't flown much post 9/11 either. I did have a customs guy freak out on me, cause I said I was travelling for business and forgot to say I was just passing through the US on my way to Guatemala. That was fun, he was going on about not having the correct paper work. I was just stammering with my mouth open, luckily my co-work saved my ass before they hauled me off.

  9. Ha, I can comment! Oooh, what is this box that says that I can "mention" people? Hmm. Let's experiment. @casch Hi Mom! Hey, it works.

    Oh, TK, your adventures never cease to crack me up. At least if you're getting nothing done at home, you're providing entertainment for the rest of us... who, conveniently, are reading Twitarded at 2pm on a Monday instead of answering the phone or all those pesky work emails. So, thx :)

  10. Gah. Apparently I just @-ed someone random, and I have no earthly idea
    how to delete comments in this newfangled format you have. So, sorry to
    the random stranger. Meant to say @casch4950.

  11. I also tried to make light of being pulled out of line and having my shit dusted with bomb testing fairy dust. Oddly enough, that prompted the guy doing the testing to do the exact opposite of what I thought he would do (which was laugh) and I found myself hauled into a little room, my backpack pulled apart and my body patted down. And this was pre 9/11. I keep my mouth fucking shut now.

    Of course, I still somehow get pulled out of line every time I fly.

    And I could have sworn I already commented on this post but apparently I got sidetracked...

  12. Oh God! You're too funny TK! Procrastination - my daughter's middle name, mine too sometimes.

    I only had to remove my belt once at the airport last year because it had tiny studs on it. My husband, on the other hand, during a business trip last year had to stand in one of those bomb sniffer booths because TSA kept getting a reading from a hand held unit. They finally let him go after realizing that the stupid thing was not operating correctly. He leaves tomorrow for CO and CA. Should be fun now that everything has been elevated again. Can't wait to hear about his fun times at the airport. Since he deals with gov't agencies in his line of work, he will hold his snarky remarks until he gets home.

  13. OMFG!! "Held the cat over my head & sang the opening song from the Lion King" MAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HOLY SHIT!


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