Monday, May 2, 2011

May Isn't Just About Mothers

Like any normal person, I celebrate the usual high holidays: Easter and Arbor Day. It recently came to my attention that I have completely overlooked a very important holiday. A holiday so amazing it lasts a full month. May is Masturbation Month. Er, did I mention this post is NSFW? It is. It's very NSFW. Unless you are LatchkeyWife and your boss expects to see silicone dongs on your computer screen at any given point in the day.

How can you do your part to participate in the self-love festivities? Well, I'm sure you know the general mechanics of pushing your love button, stroking your beaver, buttering your whisker biscuit, etc, etc. If your right (or left) hand is showing signs of carpel tunnel or you just want some new toys, I have a few suggestions for you. [To be read in the voice of a sexy stewardess] If you take a look to your left and right, you will notice the ads on our sidebars. We have the only advertiser who will tolerate our gratuitous vagina monologues soliloquies — Good Vibrations. It's a company that has been around for a while and they make some pretty, ahem, handy products.

There are the tried and true items for when you need the job done by a professional.


The Butterfly Kiss vibe. It's waterproof. Enough said.

The Turbo Glide vibe. Also waterproof. You might need a larger hot water heater.

Feeling more adventurous? This item looks promising.

Death by Orgasm. Will the medical examiner list this as my official cause of death?

Bullet Buddies Vibrators. I'd never thought I'd describe a vibe as adorable, but here we are.

The Eroscillator Top 2 Deluxe. This looks like it could hurt someone in a good way. And possible launch a space shuttle. I'd be willing to give it a whirl.

If your cup of tea is a more stationary item and not something that goes bump in the night, you might try these on for size. Pun totally intended.


Silk Silicone dildos. They shimmer. How much do you want one now?

It's the Fun Wand. I love that this looks like a deviant shower head. A fun, deviant shower head.

Feeling crafty? Set aside your scrapbooking and make a mold of the member of a willing party. (It is illegal in 49 states to do this with an unwilling party. Pretty much anything is legal in Alabama.) The Understudy even has a vibrating option.

The Vela Glass Dildo looks like it can heat your Hot Pocket and double as a crowbar, though the manufacturer does not recommend it.

This site is full of short, informational videos for anyone new to the game, or just looking to hone their skills. It's definitely worth a look and you might find a few items you can't live without. From our homes to yours, the Twitarded family would like to wish you a very happy (and smutty) Masturbation Month!

13 comments:

  1. I love you. That is all.

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  2. Is it tacky to mention the butterfly kiss is only 12$ on Amazon!!.
    And welcome to the Diqus- it's wonderful- yeah!? :)

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  3. I have to know...is the little attachment for the Eroscillator a cleaner? It looks like little brushes on the side. Is it a sperm brush?

    "Got unwanted spooge? Take this attachment for a ride! Just turn it on the low setting for those pesky pull-out dribbles, or put the setting to high for a full on scrape down. Or maybe you just wanted to give your tunnel of love a little spring cleaning. Pick a setting and get yourself a sparkly clean fingerhut!"

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  4. Okay, since you upgraded the commenting thing I will attempt to leave one again. I had to give up as Blogger had eaten my last four comments and I came close to murdering my laptop out of frustration on the last three tries. Anyway I DIGRESS but let me just say, I will be putting the fancy "share this" thingy up there to use too so I can be sure Mr. Myg reads this. And also: is it weird to ask for a new vibrator for mother's day? Fuck it. *hits send*

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  5. OH MY HELL! THEY ARE BRUSHES!!!

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  6. I might need to order a few of those stationary ones and put them all over my best friends apartment for his birthday. If they have glow in the dark that would be even better! I feel a parody of a Star Wars fight with glow in the dark dildos happening soon!

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  7. "Deviant showerhead" lmao!!! I wish I had LKW's boss. js ;)

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  8. Aah, TK. You know me so well. The RSI in the wrist has been starting to flare up again lately...

    Anyhoo, alls I gotta say is that The Understudy reminds me of the scene in High Anxiety when Edward is "moulded' for Bella's sparkly dildo. Hi-lar-i-ous.

    The fun wand scares me. Where is Fifty when I need him, to "educate" me?

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  9. Um... are you suggesting I get my mom a dildo for mother's day? That would be just weird. I wonder if my dog will get me one (since I don't have any kids...)

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  10. Well, a clean honeypot is a happy honeypot.

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  11. That, my friend, is a brilliant idea. Please take pictures.

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  12. I totally have the "under study". I recommend this for military spouses and for those who have significant others who are always away.

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  13. great sex toy Review :) awesome Vibarators :)

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