More or less what I feel like right now...
I made ML put in the window units yesterday (not that they help a whole lot) and the conversation went something like this:
Me: I'm hot. Can you put in the air conditioners?
Fifteen minutes later...
Me: Dude. My vagina is drowning in my swamp ass. Seriously. I'm gross. Put in the air conditioners. I'd do it but they weigh five hundred pounds and the heaviest thing I've lifted in years is my box of Bota Wine.
ML: Okay, okay. Going now. (I should point out that he has not yet even looked at me. His eyes are still glued to Facebook, which I presume is his go-to site when he's pretending he's not looking at porn. Because why else would someone spend so much time on the internet??? Oh. Shit.)
Fifteen minutes later...
Me: I swear to every god that has ever been mentioned in the history of this fucking planet if you don't put in the air conditioners rightthefucknow I will do vile things to you while you sleep and possibly also murder you by smothering you in my disgusting sweaty armpit.
Okay, maybe the conversation wasn't exactly like that. I think I said please at least once.
I'd crack a joke about this being my stash o' wine but I suspect most of you would actually believe me. I can't blame you.
Yeah, yeah, I know some of you live in places where ninety degrees Fahrenheit is considered a chilly day but ... well, I'm a pussy when it comes to heat. First of all, I sweat in the fucking winter when it's twenty below zero so you can only imagine how sweaty and gross I am now. I smell like a used litter box.
That being said, I'm feeling pretty fried (excuse the pun) and all I want to do is curl up around an air conditioner with a good book. Unfortunately, this heat puts a real damper on my bathroom reading time, considering that I broke a sweat pooping yesterday.
Anyway, I did recently read a book that I figured I'd share with y'all. It is quite possibly the farthest thing from Twilight you can get without being non-fiction but it was a very excellent read.
Brass - Helen Walsh
This is one crazy, speedy (sometimes literally) race through the seedy underbelly of Liverpool towards potential self-annihilation. The story revolves around nineteen year old Millie O'Reilly, who snorts and drinks and fucks her way through one encounter to the next, and her best friend, twenty-eight year old Jamie, who is getting ready to settle down and marry his very dull, very straight missus (who naturally hates Millie).
Don't get me wrong, this book isn't exactly a walk in the park, unless you're walking with a prostitute and a baggie of blow in your pocket. The sex is pretty hedonistic and bi-sexual Millie comes off a little predatory at times, but at the end, it's not really about that (though the title of the book is actually slang for "prostitute").
It's Millie. Her voice. She's tough as nails yet somehow vulnerable as hell. As she navigates through these harrowing situations that she jumps into full throttle - sometimes a little poetic, sometimes a little naive and often completely fucked up out of her gourd - there's just something insanely likable about a character who, for all intents and purposes, probably isn't really that likable. But there is something very real about that.
A review from here:
Along with recent noteworthy debuts from Bella Bathurst (Special) and Jardine Libaire (Here Kitty Kitty), this novel is part of an emerging subgenre that might be called chick-lit noir. Its antiheroines are motivated—if you can call it that—by a creeping anomie and low-grade nihilism. If these girls have any ambitions at all, they are emotional abnegation, deranged sexual pleasures and/or chemical obliteration. Walsh's 19-year-old Millie could be the poster child for the subgenre as she bombs around her native Liverpool, lusting after barely adolescent girls and packing her head with booze and blow.So if you get a chance, check it out! And as always, let us know your thoughts in the comments or share your recs for summer beach reads (if you can - we are desperately trying to figure out how to disable Disqus because... we miss all of you who can't comment!!)