Wednesday, May 18, 2011

RPattz, Charity, Dreams and Homicide

The Twitarded girls were having our daily discussion on what we were posting tonight. I stated that it was my turn and, as usual, my topic of choice would be a surprise to us all. I hope I didn't just burst anyone's illusion that I was always prepared and have my act together at all (or any) times. Um, yeah, I'm pretty sure no one thought that to begin with. Whatever.

I've been stuck in a software training class all week. (I promise that's not code for 'anger management class.') Nonetheless, I am even more clueless than usual about what is happening in the outside world. I clicked on over to Thinking of Rob during a short break and found this story.

RPattz visited a young fan to fulfill her Starlight wish. Pic from ToR. Full story here.

I immediately e-mailed the Twitarded girls because I'd found the subject of my next post. Or so I thought. Things got a little dicey from there. I almost wish I could say this e-mail chain was atypical.

From: TK
To: JJ, STY, LKW, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
http://thinkingofrob.com/2011/05/18/robert-pattinson-fulfills-starlight-wish/


From: JJ
To: TK, STY, LKW, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
I just read that and got all weepy too.


From: TK
To: JJ, STY, LKW, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
Maybe that's what I'll write about tonight & I can talk about what a fucking asshole I am for being jealous of a terminally ill little girl.


From: STY
To: TK, JJ, LKW, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
He looks like another species in those pics. It's weird. Like they were photoshopped (although I know that's not the case).


From: Myg
To: TK, JJ, STY, LKW, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
STY, he IS another species. I think the species is: god. Perhaps a minor god, but god all the same.


From: LKW
To: TK, JJ, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
A god as in OH GOD, HARDER... OH GOD, FASTER... OH GOD, OH GOD!!


[Skip ahead a few dozen e-mails where we started talking about ear wax and dream interpretations. There's really no segue. There never is.]


From: LKW
To: TK, JJ, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
I had a dream that I was riding RPattz's face like I was at the fucking rodeo.... oh wait, maybe I was just fantasizing about that at my desk a few minutes ago...


From: JJ
To: LKW, TK, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
Jesus LKW, even I can interpret that dream. You're a fucking whore.


From: LKW
To: JJ, TK, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
I had a dream that I was held captive in a vat of oatmeal and my captors pulled my teeth out with rusty pliers. [LKW KNOWS I have a thing about teeth dreams and JJ fears oatmeal. Bitch.]


From: Myg
To: LKW, JJ, TK, STY, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
LKW, that means you're fucked. Mentally. And maybe in other ways.


From: JJ
To: LKW, TK, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
I had a dream I drove up to Maine, killed LKW and made a lampshade
out of her skull...


From: Myg
To: JJ, LKW, TK, STY, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
These are pent up sexual desires. Let them out, JJ. Let them out. LKW--run.


From: LKW
To: JJ, TK, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
I had a dream that I thwarted JJ's attempts to kill me and I held her captive in a vat of oatmeal.


From: LKW
To: JJ, TK, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
JJ -- wouldn't you need someone to drive you to Maine to kill me? Or do you drive yourself in your dreams?


From: JJ
To: LKW, TK, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
I fly in my dreams, mother fucker. Or transcend all natural physical
boundaries and just materialize right in front of you. BAM! One minute
you're cooking dinner and the next you're my fucking lampshade.


From: Myg
To: JJ, LKW, TK, STY, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
Non-celebrity dream death match: LKW's freezer vs. JJ's lampshade. The betting starts now. Who's in?

LKW owns guns, so I think JJ gets a handicap.


From: LKW
To: JJ, TK, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
Did you learn how to make skull lampshades in home ec for demons 101?

And plus... I'd cap your ass with the .50 cal Beowulf before you even got to the house. You'd be nothing but fleshy bits amongst the gravel in my driveway. Sorry...


From: JJ
To: LKW, TK, STY, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
No, it was Skullworking 101. I had to take it in order to get my
Cacodemon degree. It wasn't nearly as interesting as Flesh-Flaying:
And introductory guide to torturing your enemies before you cast them
into eternal hell-fire and eat the marrow from their bones.

Also, unless you walk around 24/7 with your finger on a trigger you
aren't going to get me. I can fuck with the time/space continuum and
I'll wait for a moment when you don't have any firearms around you.
Just remember that the next time you decide to linger on the shitter
reading fan fiction.


From: Myg
To: JJ, TK, LKW, STY, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
I really love the fact that the subject header for this email trail is, "**SNIFF** This made me all weepy."


From: STY
To: LKW, JJ, TK, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
LKW, please make sure you check with JJ before you get any tattoos... We don't want any decor clashes, do we???


From: JJ
To: STY, LKW, TK, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
Good call, STY. LKW, if you get tattoos of Disney characters or
something I'm going to fuck you up. I don't want that shit in my
dungeon, er, living room.


From: STY
To: JJ, LKW, TK, Myg, VitR
Re: *sniff* This made me all weepy.
And here I never thought that LKW would find the motivation to get a full back tattoo of the Magic Kingdom and all its inhabitants, but there you go...


I'm afraid I have to cut the e-mails off here as you can not be privy to our top secret detailed survival plans for the zombie apocalypse.

What do you talk about during the day? I assume most of your conversations consist of ear wax, charity, oatmeal and skull lampshades.

27 comments:

  1. Sounds like a typical Wednesday conversation for me. Once my BFF and I were having a conversation when someone rudely asked. "Really, are you really fucking talking about corn?" We were discussing the possibilities of being murdered in a corn field and how we would outsmart our attacker using corn. You see this is why we'd all have a leg up in a zombie apocalypse. Glad to know I'm not the only one that can turn a simple conversation into something that is randomly amazing!

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  2. OMFG!!! so many comments I don't know where to start (I'm really wishing I had a computer right now...typing all this on my phone is gonna take forever, js.)

    1. TK- I was totally thinking "great, now I'm hoping for a terminal disease so I can meet RPatz...maybe cancer or something else that will cause massive weight loss first" right before I read your line about being jealous of a terminally ill child.

    2. JJ- You never cease to amaze me with your creativity. The Flesh Flaying class name is epic & I think I need that shit on a t-shirt.

    3. Myg - I also love that the subject line of the email was the same through the entire skull lampshade & flesh pieces in lkw's gravel driveway conversation.

    4. LKW- If you get the magic kingdom & all is inhabitants tattooed on your back can I watch? Cuz that would be hifuckinlarious.

    I only wish my day had been filled with such an awesome exchange. Instead I spent 8 hours today in meetings about personnel issues & other boring work shit with only enough time for one very short pee break. So thanks for ending my day with a good laugh & reminding me that my Rob love is way out of hand but I still don't care. :)

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  3. OMG PMSL...your emails kill me. Done. Dead. 

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  4.  This is Myg. Just in case I can't figure out how to log in. WHICH I CAN'T. Anyway, I'd like to add that 1. I LOVE ROBERT PATTINSON and am so, so happy he did this for this kid. and 2. JJ and LKW need serious psychiatric help. And I love them, too.

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  5. Aren't we all dying, right now, really??? I have a wish...

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  6. Yay @Myg has essentially declared me sane - woo-hoo!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This email chain is - somewhat counter-intuitively - what *kept* me sane today! whouddathunkit???

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm printing this comment as proof I don't need professional help... Today. Wahoo!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Right?! It's like Myg gave us a clean bill of mental health! I'll take it, even if I know better...

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  10. these emails are so full of win. i love you girls.

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  11. Wow...this post kinda makes me look like a psycho. And a whore. I don't understand. I'm neither.

    ReplyDelete
  12. OOmg!!!!! I just pmsl....Love how your topic went all to shit, but the banter was awesome...badass......

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  13. HA I CAN COMMENT!  And what a good post for the Disqus gods to smile upon me. 

    I am literally crying I'm laughing so hard reading this.  You guys could literally just post your email chains every day and I'd be perfectly happy to read them.  Anytime you're coming up blank on a post, just mine your email and post one of these. 

    If LKW shows up in Forks with Donald Duck tattooed on one boob and Goofy on the other, we'll know why.  JJ might not own guns... but she's odd and unpredictable, a lovable but frightening combination.  I'd have to say that my money's on JJ, even with the guns.

    Also?  Apparently Renesmo's head is now sitting directly on my bladder... because I laughed so hard that I required a change of underwear.  That's a first.  Probably not a last, sadly.  

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  14. I was actually reading this at work this morning while eating breakfast...it was oatmeal (Sorry JJ!!).  I've never laughed so hard at work and didn't care to explain myself when people started staring.   They should be used to it after all these years...I threaten them with an Edward doll when collecting $$ for get well gifts for crying out loud

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  15.  Oh my god I fucking love you ladies. Seriously this post had me laughing out loud like only you ladies can. EPIC!

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  16. I think familiarizing yourself with potential weapons (and trust me, corn is a weapon - have you ever been hit with a corn cob? HURTS) is important. I have a feeling the majority of people that survive the zombie apocalypse will be twitards. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh? You're such a liar. Please moisturize your face tonight. I want my lampshade to be smooooooth... 

    ReplyDelete
  18. I actually just spit my wine out reading this. It was the mental image of LKW with Donald Duck and Goofy. I think we should encourage this. 

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  19. I thought the lampshade was going to be made out of my skull... not my skin?? Make up your mind psycho. 

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  20. I, too, talk about the same things with friends. But you know what? I just realized in this new dingus comment program you guys have, my name is now Cat P. Great. it all returns to urine.

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  21. Don't be stupid. I need your flesh for embellishment. I happen to have a very decorative flair. 

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  22. BWAWAWAWA!!! It's somehow fitting for this site though, no? 

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  23. Hate to say it, but you're bladder is screwed for life!  My youngest will be 4 in a month and last night I sneezed and peed a little... 

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  24.  I wish I had "adults" to talk to during the day.  When/If I do, I am repeatedly reminded that I need more people to talk about poop, dreams, zombies and skull lampshades.  I've been sofa king busy (and will be until June 9...COUNTING THE DAYS!) with work shit, I can barely make it home without walking straight to the liquor.  Love what I do, but damn.  Is it summer yet?!

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  25. just_bella TeamBDMay 25, 2011 at 3:14 AM

     I'm with Myg, I loved the subject header! "made me all weepy" with laughter! :)

    ReplyDelete

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