Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Talking Poop for Poop Talking Sake

Over the past few years, I've developed a love hate - hate relationship with my colon. And lately, we haven't been seeing eye to eye, or eye to anus. A while back, I lamented to my doctor about my recent colon-related problems and she said, "it sounds like Irritable Bowel Syndrome." Not the words I wanted to hear.

Not only is my bowel irritated by certain foods -- goodbye delicious, creamy, cheesy Alfredo sauce -- but also nerves. And I seem to get nervous a lot. Just ask my ass. Doctors appointments, new crazy dogs, presentations at work, life in general... it all makes me nervous. Lately my guts have been a churning bundle of nerves. And with those nerves comes the shits. Probably a good thing I didn't come face to face to RPattz in NYC -- who knows what kind of mess I would have made! Embarrassing.

IBS, laxative... what's the difference?

Seems like everything irritates my bowel these days. I haven't had a good, hearty, solid shit in weeks. Sucks getting old.

I've known friends with IBS and their tales of barely making it to the bathroom after eating a specific food had me scared shitless. Literally. And I experienced such an event after a particularly delicious meal at Longhorn Steakhouse one night. Stupidly, I had opted not to use the facilities before embarking on my 30 minute ride home. Mistake. Big mistake.

The Longhorn culprit - warning: do not eat without hitting the head before you leave!

About 10 minutes into the drive, I was hit with pains so intense, I could barely drive. My head starting spinning, but I pressed on... praying I could make it home without shitting my pants. As I passed my last chance at relief - the last exit before a 10 mile stretch of woods, the pain intensified. No able to clench my butt cheeks together any longer, I was forced to pull over at a rest area. A very scary, very deserted rest area. I almost couldn't get out of the car as I was positive the seat was the very thing keeping the poo in.

I slowly extricated myself from the vehicle and walked very fast -- albeit with very small steps -- into the dimly let restroom where I was positive a hockey-masked figure would viciously murder me with a machete and leave me dying in a pile of my own feces. Not the way I wanted to be remembered. I can just imagine the eulogy.

"P U, what is that fucking smell?"

While I did make it to the toilet without incident, the intestinal pain made a torturous death by an ax murderer seem like the easy way out. I pity the poor cleaning person who stumbled upon that fucking toxic waste dump. It was definitely not my finest hour.

When I walked in the front door of my house, my face must have told the story. My husband asked what had happened to me. I told him I had a near poo-tastrophe... I was playing Russian poo-lette. That's the last time I don't visit the ladies room before I leave a restaurant.

32 comments:

  1. a long time ago, i remember robin quivers (on howard stern) talking about how she DIDN'T make it home one time - or to a rest area - it was just the woods for her! So there's that - lol! Er, and I am glad that Freddy/Jason was not waiting for you in the loo. Although it sounds like you would have frightened him off, frankly. Just sayin'.

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  2. You have my sympathies! I've had a few close calls like that. And a few OOPS! that fortunately were at home. Fortunately, my IBS is settling down so life is better. Although I still get those gut-wrenching cramps once in a while.

    Ironically, my doctor suggests metamucil, which seems counterintuitive. I hardly ever use it, but it didn't seem to make matters worse when I did so maybe she is onto something.

    I've always been a great supporter of the idea of always using a toilet when one's available - either for peeing or otherwise. Cause you'll never know when you wish you had.

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  3. How thrilling to have the first reply to the SHIT post!

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  4. I'm sorry for your pain, but holy shit that post was hysterical!  I was laughing so hard my 3 year old was asking me what was funny.  I told her "poop" and of course that made her laugh.  

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  5. Um....please read this NOW  http://jensrandommind2011.blogspot.com/2011/04/my-wedding-present-request.html
    I also did reserach on IBS and it can be food & or anxiety related...one, the other, or BOTH.  There is no diagnoses per se....other than just based on symptoms...but I swear I have it too!

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  6. Oh. My. God!  That happened to me at school last week I was in class til 5pm and the pains hit me at 11am.  I didn't know what to do,  I was trying to time it at the right moment between the pain subsiding long enough for me to walk and no one going at the same time.  LOL.  I made it, but as I was walking out someone was walking in and I played it off by saying, "Good luck, it smells like someone crapped out a dead sewer rat in there".   I don't think they believed me.

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  7. I share your shitastic problems. Nervous tummy ALL the time and certain foods set it off as well. I also share JJ's fear of crapping in public. You can see how much an issue this is haha.  

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  8. Oh, this is awful. Poor you. But I must admit that I am seriously enjoying the comic outpourings of your misery.

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  9. If I had to shit in the woods, I might die. It's bad enough I had explosive diarrhea in an outhouse one night while camping. And I made Mr. LKW walk me to the outhouse because it was dark and raining. It was noisy. And messy. We hadn't been dating very long! Embarrassing...

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  10. I never pass up the chance to use the toilet these days!!

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  11. We might be related and we just don't know it.

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  12. Between cheesy cream sauces giving me the shits, and spicy food making it hurt to shit, I'm a fucking mess.

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  13. "And I seem to get nervous a lot. Just ask my ass."

    I'll remember to do that next time I see your ass ;)

    My mom still tells me when I travel alone not to stop at rest stops. Like I told her, sometimes you really don't have a choice.

    FYI: The last post with JJ's pictures was the first time I've been able to comment with the new format. I tried going back again to a few older posts, but there's still no link to click on.

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  14. So sorry!!!  But sincerely, I have had issues with this for a long time, plus a bunch of other female pain issues.  I finally decided to do something drastic(for me, anyway), and I have been doing a gluten and dairy free diet for two years now.  It was really hard in the beginning, but within about 4 months, my symptoms pretty much disappeared.  Now I know when I acciendently eat gluten because I get the same symptoms within minutes or hours. 

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  15. @Musicmuse81 is right. I developed the same symptoms about 9 months ago and can totally relate to this post :-( Try avoiding wheat for a bit and see whether that helps. I "whined" about it at It's Whine Thirty" not so very long ago.

    Feel your pain bb - I truly do!

    CC x

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  16. Christine RanbergMay 18, 2011 at 10:59 AM

    That was funny and not so funny. I know for me that rich foods, some ice cream and other dairy products churn the ass-gate to open. Feeling sweating, faint and cramps is not fun at all!  I try to avoid eating them but if I am out, I DO make myself go to the potty!  On the “front” side, I also try to pee before I leave the house and leave work. I make myself go even if I don’t feel like I have to go.
    I don’t have IBS or the hubby, but I know for my hubby, who’s had is gall bladder removed certain foods go right through him too. He’s kind of hit and miss cause of the meds he takes for his back, plugs him up.  When we go out, I always ask if he need to make a potty stop.  I love you honey but I am not clean “that” up!
    I think Jason would run away from you when he got a wiff of that!

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  17.  Um, I didn't see that the update would put my real name. Can you guys delete and I'll repost???

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  18. I travel with a portable toilet.  No "shit". 

    Do I need to say more?? 

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  19. I'm not sure how to delete it... hold please.

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  20. Every since I had my gal bladder removed I've been going through the same thing.  I've managed to make it to a bathroom every time, but nothing like uncontrollable shits when you’re in a restaurant. My coup de grâce  was on the BC ferries, nervous about travelling over to a driving event in Port Coquitlam.  I had a caeser salad with chicken and an ice tea, innocuous meal right.....  wrong...  45 minutes of being stuck in the toilet on one of the busiest ferry bathrooms was my personal nightmare.  Imodium is my friend now, I will take one with a meal when out just to make sure I survive.

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  21. I have a friend who refuses to poop around people. When she would go visit her boyfriend, she would take Imodium so she wouldn't poop around them. She doesn't even like to talk about poop. This blog would make her uncomfortable.

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  22. GOD!!! What a pain in the arse that DICKUS.. Oh yeah LKW awesome post here, I about died..same food..almost same ending..but dayum that chix is soooo good and tastey..I had a REALLY bad episode on the motorcycle once..Had to stop at a portashit..it was actually pretty clean till I got there...in Bar Harbor..not a good time, I think I had food poisoning..I was in there for a good half hour...embarassed to come out.(group was clapping). Not so fun..Yeah, getting old blows ass....love ya.

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  23. Thank you LKW! 

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  24.  I wanna comment, just to see what happens when I do it from my lappy...

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  25.  It works!  It works.  I just had to log into the Google friends link on the top right.  That worked!

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  26. Ah, one of my favorite topics. Poop. How I love thee.

    Shitting in the woods is not a bad experience, minus the total irrational fear that I was going to get mauled by a bear with my panties around my ankles. I think I'd rather shit in the woods than in a public bathroom. {{shivers}}

    Ironically, I read this post while I was eating hot italian sausages with pepper and onions and my own special tomato sauce - spruced up with red pepper and a little tabasco. Yum! Then again, don't think I would want that meal revolting in my asshole so there's that. But I bet you can eat lettuce without going fetal and I can't. 

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  27.  I can comment!  Woo-hoo!  Thanks bb!

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  28. Oh Sweetie- you need to take a low dose of an SSRI- like Zoloft or something. Trust me.  I know what I speak of.   You need to replenish the "happy messengers" in your gut. Better living through pharma.....

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  29. Been there, done that. Makes me think we should carry a spade and a roll of toilet paper in the car at all times. 

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  30. I have IBS too and can totally sympathize with you. Mine can be food related but sometimes it just comes and goes in cycles for no apparent reason. So not fun!!

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  31. MusingBella CullenMay 21, 2011 at 2:27 PM

    LMAO - this happened to me in Maui, on our way down from the volcano. It's a long, windy road and there are no businesses or bathrooms until you get to the town at the bottom of the mountain and the first gas station there - be warned - has no public restroom.  The poor, poor people who clean the McDonalds bathrooms down the street. The things that happened in there should not be spoken about. So I understand your pain.

    I drink a lot of ginger ale and club soda these days to help - like a little old lady. :)  For some reason, both of those soothe my symptoms sometimes.

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  32. ...As long as you didn't shit spray the walls, or write your name in poo all over the floor, I think the cleaning crew was fine.  On a serious note, though, you might want to talk to your GI about it NOT being IBS.  I've had too many family/friends be misdiagnosed just because they had long standing relationships with the poop fairy.  

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