Thursday, May 26, 2011

Why Are Men So Useless?

I've come to realize something in my 16 years with Mr. LKW... men are generally useless around the house for anything that doesn't involve fixing or building shit. If I need a window replaced or some shelves built, he's my man. If I need the dog bathed or help with the vacuuming, he's fucking useless.

I always notice this right around the time someone from HIS family is scheduled for a visit. And guess who's expected to make the house squeaky clean? Yup, me.

So the other day he says he's going to give the dogs baths before his dad comes for a visit over the holiday weekend. I said great, they're really dirty. Have fun with that. I'm thinking one less thing on my list and I can get some stuff done while he's scrubbing the hounds.

No such luck.

I have to sit in the bathroom with him JUST IN CASE he needs something. It's like living with a fucking 4 year old. What. The. Fuck? Why is it I seem to have no problem bathing the 75 pound hound all by myself, but he can't? Is it that he sees it as helping me clean, so I have to be involved?

And then guess who is left to clean up the bathroom and all its dog hair glory?

Clean-up is a major problem with the penis carrier in this house. If I'm gone for a few days, you can bet your ass that when I get home, every dish we own will be dirty and piled high in the sink. WE HAVE A DISHWASHER PEOPLE! How hard is it to put the dish in the dishwasher?

I'll tell you what, filling the dishwasher is a lot easier than building a fucking barn and he seemed to do that without a hitch.

I know there's a class that boys take early on in life that teaches how to do household chores wrong so no one ever asks them to do that chore again. Ever. And I'm also positive my husband has a PhD in this class. He probably even teaches it on the side. Actually, I think he invented it.

Calgon take me away! [This is my calgon...]


  1. Fragile_Little_HumanMay 26, 2011 at 10:08 PM

    can i borrow your calgon? *wipes drool from lower lip*

    i could write pages about this topic. and why do they feel that duct tape is a reasonable alternative to actually FIXING what's broken/loose/ripped, etc?

    1. How about I use some duct tape just to shut you up.

  2. Absolutely love the phrase "penis carrier" and MUST find ways of using it in everyday conversation from now on.  Thank you for that. 
    Oh and I couldn't agree more with everything you said, including your brand of Calgon. 

  3. "Penis Carrier"  OMG I spit all over the keyboard!  Thanks LKW.

    I never understood why my man thinks piling all the dishes, pots into the sink makes it easier to clean dishes? I have to first empty the sink so that there is room to rinse while loading the dishwasher.

  4. You know, I thought I needed to start another blog to candidly bitch about my s/o. but apparently all I need to do is grow a pair.  As always, you are way ahead of me. {{{bows}}}

  5. I don't have a significant peen to ignore me, but got the kids which sometimes I think is worse.  Never ending messes to clean and dirty laundry.  Hell, I can't even take a shower without my 3 year old daughter finding a Sharpie and tagging the walls, hiding every dvd under the mattress or painting my beige carpet with all the nail polish she can find. 

  6. Pretty sure we need to clean all the dirty off of me, Mr. Calgon.  ALLLLLLLL the dirty.  Get to work.

    The Bentist is good about cleaning.  We both hate it, but we do it.  But penis carrier?!  PRICELESS.  I'm gonna use it.  A lot.

  7. OMG I feel your pain, but in a different way. DG & I are clean people for the most part, but hate/love different household chores. HE does 95% of the cooking, trash take-outing & dishes. I do 95% of the bathroom cleaning crum picking up-ing, laundry, vacuming, dusting planning & organizing.  Stuff that drives him crazy doesn't bother me, so he does it & stuff that drives me crazy I take care of because it doesn't bother him. Guess that's not too bad of a situation to be in?! HOWEVER he still drives me crazy at time....esp now since I'm PMS-ing. He can't say or do anything right at the moment ;)

    xo J

    1. Sorry, but you have absolutely no bitching rights whatsoever! HE does cooking? Trash? Dishes? If my man did that, I would be ecstatic!! My guy USED to do those things when we first started living together. After a couple of years, he's turned into the typical man. The only thing he seems to be able to do is work on HIS truck and HIS boat, and anything that is HIS. He has become completely useless otherwise. When we first met, I told him straight out that I am NOT a domestic, and I hate doing household chores and I expect my man to do some of it. I am NOT his mother (I never had or wanted kids for this reason - among others). But somehow, they manage to slowly manipulate to ensure that they get the mother that they wanted all along. Men say that women want to change them, but we don't have to! They change all on their own, from a guy that's helpful and loving to a guy that sits in front of the TV when they're not playing on the computer or working on THEIR vehicles (or similar), in other words, a 10 year old boy. The only time we come into focus is when they want sex. Men really ARE useless, and I have - after 47 years - finally come to that conclusion. As women, we're screwed. So, I've decided that my man will be used for the same. Since he's useless in all other ways, I'll use him for sex, and just live my life the way I want to.

      BTW, I'm not exactly angry or bitter (okay, maybe a little), just tired of trying to find the man that will stay the same person that I met and fell in love with. They ALL reveal their little boys in the end, and - as women - we're going to have to put up with wiping their little noses.

  8. Suzanne KuperhauseMay 27, 2011 at 7:56 AM

    oh yeah - I hear ya, girl! I'm going away this weekend (yay for cross border shopping!!) and I'm afraid what I'll come home hubby's excuse "I was busy taking care of the boy" but I seem to be able to do that and keep the house reasonably tidy....

  9. MusingBella CullenMay 27, 2011 at 8:42 AM

    OME, the dishes thing, YES. WTF is so hard about that?  As always, I agree wholeheartedly with this post. :)

  10. My favorite is when they call you from the grocery store because they can't find something and keep you on the line until they do!  It's the testosterone, it makes them STUPID!

  11. It is physically impossible for ML to refill an ice cube tray. He can build a fucking raised bed vegetable garden and solve complex science-y stuff but the concept of using a plate when you're eating food baffles him. I am forever cleaning crumbs from every surface in the house.

  12. definitely need to get me some of THAT calgon! of course then i would never ever get out of the tub, but i'd be willing to pay that price.

    i almost killed mr. snarky a few weeks ago during a mass pre-relatives housecleaning - definitely feel your pain!

  13. I can't complain too too much - the seat is always down, he's always presentable, and if I dump a load (snicker) of clean clothes next to him on the couch as he's watching sports, he'll fold them without complaint. 

    I do love the man to pieces, but he can be totally oblivious to some things.  Now, this is probably part of his easy-going (aka: good match for crazy, wound-up me) nature, but dirty socks on the floor, empty water glasses left on the coffee table every night, and sweaty, smelly gym clothes (which make me gag as I'm currently in the middle of nine months of bloodhound nose) on the bathroom floor - none of this bothers him.  It's as if he just doesn't notice.  

    Really can't complain, though.  I figure that's just part of his man-ness.  I'm a lot harder to live with than he is, and I know it. 

  14. I quit my real job last year. Embracing the cult of domesticity, I prepared to whore myself in exchange for comfortable footwear to my new chief provider, and tend our unweaned dependents. The reality is that I unwittingly agreed to spend more time with three useless penis carriers. My house, despite my best efforts always smells like a fart, and they are alway laying around in their tighty-whities, but some how manage to dirty every piece of clothing in the house. Lend me your Calgon, the nakeder the better!

  15. AMEN, sistah! I have so many painful stories I could share including my husband, but I'll spare you.

    Men = Usless slobs, who want praise for every insignificant thing they do... and I mean insignificant.

    Sisters unite...

  16. Preach LKW, Preach!
    The dog bathing story could be mine! I'll never understand it nor get over the frustration.
    As another point, WTH is with men and colds? Break an ankle & they play football on it. Get a sniffle (huh, a hangnail) and suddenly they are dying and need to be waited on hand and foot! A woman gets a sniffle and confusion reigns because a bj is outta the question.
    Boys are stupid.

  17. I'm 16 weeks pregnant. We have 3 dogs and 2 cats. My hubs is incapable of feeding, bathing, or cleaning up after them. I explain to him that excrement and pregnant women don't mix. He goes on a 20 minute monologue about how he doesn't know how to clean up after animals or that he waits a whole month to clean litter boxes, etc and so on. How about you stfu and just do it right now? And forget getting groceries in the house. I could have pneumonia and still have to get the groceries and unload them from my car cause he's "busy setting up our future."

    I hope our future smells better than our present.

    I'd love some of that calgon...mostly cause I know it would clean the cat box without snarky comments. Ha!

  18. Hello.
    Just because you met some men that are lazy or don't accept the "teamwork" doesn't mean all men are lazy.
    In this very moment, when you use your computer to read my comment - you use a machine that was created and perfected by men. When you drive a car or use your phone& the internet - you benefit from the work of many people who were/are... men. As far as I know... MOST things we have now were created by MEN. Not women. Men. So suck it up. Maybe you are not happy with your husband's way of acting. Useless, you said. But that's not THE TRUTH about men. It's YOUR/HIS truth. And certainly... is not doing any good to write in this manner about men, as the slow minds will tend to believe crap like this to be true. If you are a mature person, give it a try and act like one.
    Happy growing!

  19. You know, you're right! I really ask myself why I married this guy? But I know I wont have the house and garden I loved... just because of the financial benefits... pfff you know, it's true that it's like living with a 4 year old... if I don't wash him or tell him to clean his own teeth, he wont!!!!!! for days!!!!! even his pants :s wtf?! And the shit of the dog in the garden... it stays there and I'm so fed up! I just don't want to clean anymore!

  20. Penis carrier = Penis head.

  21. Finally a place where real women talk. Men have made themselves worthless and then they whine when you won't do them. Why should I have sex with someone who cannot do anything without my help. I have actually always enjoyed cooking and cleaning. But I can't do everything. I have raised three kids and worked my ass of all my life. I have always done all the work in and out of the house and my husband expects me to go to work with him for no pay. He is completely incapable of doing anything alone. I have done so mush work over the 25 years I have been married that my joints are starting to go out. I have had a couple of surgeries now and it is getting worse because my husband makes me work constantly or he talks shit until I do it.
    Please, please ladies, take care of yourself and don't give any guy sex for free. That is our only power and we waist it. Do you want to die young and let some lazy jerk live off of your social security.


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