Thursday, June 30, 2011

I Would Switch Hit for These Ladies

I know lots of women have a Freebie Five list of famous men they would bang hard and fast, but I thought I would change teams for the evening. I haven't a clue if it's normal for a woman who normally drives stick to fantasize about bushwhacking for the day. (Obviously there was that one evening in college, but I blame the Goldschlager.) Meh. It's a little late in life for me to start worrying about normality now.

My Top Five list changes often. Part of that has to do with being the ADHD poster girl (Was that a butterfly?), but some of it is not entirely my fault. I'll see a beautiful woman and think, "I would tap that in a millisecond." Then I hear them speak and I'm out. (Scarlett Johansson, I'm looking at you.)

Here's my list as it stands now. Please don't tell me if you know any any idiotic things they've said. I really don't have time to reorganize my list. My time is better spent stockpiling photos of pretty people. You know, in a non-creepy way.

KStew. Obviously. She's got the whole package — pretty face and hair, legs for miles and an ass you could bounce one of those giant Sacagawea dollars off of. I would hit that so fast her head would spin. Call me, Kristen. And keep the shoes on.

Emma Stone. I had to IMDB her to make sure Chris Hansen wasn't going to show up on my doorstep. What am I doing here, Mr. Hansen? Just ogling Emma Stone and wondering if she'll come play in my Zombieland. Er, wait. That didn't come out right. (P.S. — If you haven't seen Easy A, do yourself a favor and buy / rent / steal it immediately.)

Amy Adams. I have loved her forever. She already had my heart long before Enchanted, but I fell super duper, extra giant lesbian-in-a-heterosexual way in love with her in Sunshine Cleaning. The girl can act and she's gorgeous to boot. Bitch.

Idina Menzel. We are totally going to make out. If I could figure out how to make out with her while she serenades me, she would need a protective order against me. True story. Her voice is insane. She shouldn't be allowed to have that kind of talent and those kinds of looks. It's not fair to the rest of us.

Kristen Chenoweth. She is my all-time biggest crush ever. Everything about her is adorable. I want to carry her in my pocket forever and ever. I have no clue how a voice that big comes out of a person that small. I would marry her if I thought she'd have me. We could have crazy, wild monkey sex, Kristen. Bring the pie.

My last two crushes are related. I may or may not have a fantasy about an epic three-way. Bring the costumes. Let's get Wicked.

Now is your chance to make me feel normal. (This will be a new feeling for me, so I'm a little anxious.) Do you have any unexpected crushes? Lay your cards on the table. Keep your hands off my women, though. I feel very... protective of them.


  1. Oooh, girl crushes...lemme think...

    Okay, top of the list: Cristina Scabbia, lead singer of Lacuna Coil. Google her, she's gorgeous.

    Mila Kunis. Actually my first real girl crush, back when I was a teenager and That 70s Show was still funny.

    Crystal Renn. She's like a really curvy Rachel Weisz.

    Katy Perry. That chick's just adorable. Even if she does have horrific taste in men (Russel Brand ewwwww)

    Florence Welch. Okay, so she's kinda weird-looking, but I'd totally hit that. She does have a killer voice. And awesome legs.

    Hmm, it appears that I share Edward's preference for brunettes (apart from Florence, natch). Good to know.

    Nice to know I'm not the only one occasionally eyein. Up my own team, TK.

  2. Anna Paquinn-have you seen her almost neked


    Ashley Green

    Jessica Biel

  3. WTF happened to that last sentence?! It was supposed to say 'Good to know I'm not the only one eyeing up my own team, TK.' Stupid tiny netbook keyboard.

    VW: acurak. Well that about sums up my last comment.

  4. I have a big ol' L Word crush on Judge Judy. (I'll wait while you wipe the vomit from your chin) Seriously, it's a thing. I would love to be verbally abused while she is wearing the robe. Judy takes my top five spots, but any hot pocket starring in the movie I'm watching is spank bank potential.

  5. @Banshee WOO! No hold barred! ::fans self:: Nice list!

    Ok...It's no secret around our house that I have a pension for undressing the similar gender. Chicks are hot. It's nothing I can deny. But my list? Kristen, Emma, Mila, Jessica Biel, and Idina. I am died when these chicks are on my screan. DIED.

  6. TK, my ladies lists changes as much as the dudes.

    Here it goes:

    1. Kristen Stewart

    2. Ashley Greene (though after meeting her, saying this kinda makes me feel like a big ol' perverted freak)

    3. Scarlett Johansson - sorry TK, but her voice does things to me. Have you heard "Realator" with her and Peter Yorn. HERE:

    4. Kristen Bauer "Pam" from TB. She can take her lesbian vampire self and go down on me for hours...Plus she's witty and funny as shit.

    5. "Pia" Loser on American she was hottie.

    That was fun, might have to do a post on that once again!

    xo J

  7. I love a random nonsequiter. So, girl crushes, huh?

    Rachel McAdams, So freakin' beautiful. I've heard she's pretty bitchy, but that just makes it hotter.

    Keira Knighly, I'd totally bang her, even at risk of cutting myself open on her razor-sharp shoulder blades.

    Emma Stone, Hot Hot Hot, and funny.

    Angelina Jolie, I just want a half hour with her lips.

    Kristen Stewart, beautiful but last because I'm afraid I'd freak her out.

  8. I've had a long time girl crush on Heather Locklear.
    My current one is Mila Kunis - did you see her in Black Swan - SEXY!
    Kstew doesn't do it for me though.

  9. KStew for sure---I've always thought she was unique and pretty in her own special way, but lately, she's just freaking HOT, no matter what standards you measure her by. The pics from her at the Glamour UK awards and then the pics from the LAFF at Chris Weitz' film premiere---smokin'.

  10. @nifer - Judge Judy?! bwahahahaa!!

    @likeitlemony - nice! and i am flattered... but don't forget Myg - she's hot!

  11. Gwen Stefani, natch. She's beautiful, and funky as hell.

    Megan Fox, just cuz she seems like a sexy, dirty, crazy bitch. I'd love to tame that.

    Kissing a girl is on my bucket list. I mean, everyone's gotta do it once, right? Unfortunately I wasted my college years actually studying...

  12. Reese Witherspoon - I've loved her since forever.
    Idina is MINE! (sorry TK!)
    Mila Kunis
    Anna Paquin

    If only the hubs knew this about me, I'd get it immediately!

  13. Zooey Deschanel
    Amy Adams
    Emma Watson
    Liv Tyler
    Drew Barrymore

    My other runners up are Reese Witherspoon & Helena Bonham Carter. LOL! I think I just like Helena because she's not afraid to fly her freak flag AT ALL.

  14. First...Apparently I can't spell.

    Second, @Amers425, I FORGOT ZOOEY! She's crazy hot! Thanks for the reminder!

  15. My top three girl- crush are:
    3.-Charlize Theron in any movie.
    2.-Kate Beckinsale from her Underworld times.
    1.-And Kristen in pretty much anything she does and that includes Rob..;)
    with love

  16. 1. KStew. But more in a "I want to be her" than "I want to bang her" kind of way. I freaking love her and I'm pretty sure she can do no wrong.

    That's it. No one else comes close <3

  17. MyAfterCar - I feel similar about KStew :)

  18. I agree with 4 out of your 5 choices, mostly because I have no idea who #4 is. I would add Jennifer Aniston as my #4 because, well she looks like the girl next door but I bet that bitch is kinky!

  19. @STY - of course my list should have included Myg...she can punish me for the omission.

  20. Hmmm...
    I'd have to say, in no particular order:
    Rachel Weisz
    Kate Beckinsale
    Isla Fisher
    Jessica Alba
    Megan Fox (she seems kind of crazy though)
    And I agree with sharilee about KStew.

  21. Kstew if she was older, Salma Hayek any day, Tori Amos, Reese Whitherspoon, Gemma Arterton

  22. @likeitlemony - drop and give me 20! Okay, okay, that's plenty. :-P

    I had to chime in because OMFG I am a huge Emma Stone fan. HYOOOOGE. Ever since I saw her in Superbad, I've loved her. I hope fame doesn't fuck her up because I think she's going to blow up big time. I can't wait to see The Help.

  23. I'm a little hurt because I was sure TK said I was on her list, but whatever. My list is probably a little more... seasoned than most of yours, but for now, in no particular order, it includes:
    Tina Fey
    Kate Beckinsale
    Rachel Weisz
    Angie Harmon
    Alicia Silverstone (gotta have 1 blond)
    PS - Ashley Greene is totally back on the list as soon as she erases the memory of Joe Jonas.

  24. Women's bodies are so beautiful when you look at them objectively. It's like sex personified, but usually when they talk they usually ruin it all. Does that mean I'm objectifying them? Probably. Oh well.

    Kstew makes me gag a little, but that pretty little brunette with glasses and sans fake boobs at the strip club my hubby took me too last weekend would work for me. Youza.

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  26. Kstew, but only because Rob's been there. Maybe he left behind some of his scent or hot pocket crumbs.

    Portia De Rossi- she's into chicks so she'd know the right places ;)

    Angelina Jolie
    Ashley Greene

  27. Oh I have a lot of girl crushes! I think Anne Hathaway is beautiful...even if her eyes are a little far apart. Deborah Ann Woll from True Blood....she plays Jessica, fucking sexy red head. Amanda Palmer, lead singer of the Dresden Dolls...but I would make her shave her armpits first. Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman...but only if we have a threesome. Oh and Salma Hayek...she has really nice boobies lol

  28. Girl crush= Katy Perry


  29. I can't see the attraction with K Stew. Doesn't do it for me.

    1. Rachel McAdams - I've fantasized about her since The Notebook.
    2. Zoey Deschanel - love her. The eyes.

    3. Gwen Stefany. She's beautiful and her voice.

    4. Charlize Theron - she's just gorgeous.

    5. Emma Stone - she should be on everyones lists.

  30. Awesome Posting ! pretty Look and beautiful dress. i think first pics very nice .

  31. Yeah, I'm incredibly late and a piss-poor blog follower these days. It's unacceptable, and I vow to do better.
    Now, on to the important stuff; my female five. It was tough to narrow it down, even though I can't even come up with 5 men for a freebie list.
    In no particular order,
    Kate Winslet, Idina, J Lo, Mila, and since I just watched a clip from Forks, I'm going to have to add @AllTwiedUp.

  32. It's so funny that people are still posting on this. I was just thinking yesterday that I completely forgot to add Kat VonD. She's so frigg'n hot I can barely stand it.

    A few of years ago (just before the second season of LA Ink started) when the family and I were in Hollywood we looked up where her shop is and walked so I could see if I could catch a glimpse of her. Of course she wasn't there, but one of the shop managers came out and chatted with us for a few minutes. I still think of that day fondly *sigh*


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