I know lots of women have a Freebie Five list of famous men they would bang hard and fast, but I thought I would change teams for the evening. I haven't a clue if it's normal for a woman who normally drives stick to fantasize about bushwhacking for the day. (Obviously there was that one evening in college, but I blame the Goldschlager.) Meh. It's a little late in life for me to start worrying about normality now.
My Top Five list changes often. Part of that has to do with being the ADHD poster girl (Was that a butterfly?), but some of it is not entirely my fault. I'll see a beautiful woman and think, "I would tap that in a millisecond." Then I hear them speak and I'm out. (Scarlett Johansson, I'm looking at you.)
Here's my list as it stands now. Please don't tell me if you know any any idiotic things they've said. I really don't have time to reorganize my list. My time is better spent stockpiling photos of pretty people. You know, in a non-creepy way.
KStew. Obviously. She's got the whole package — pretty face and hair, legs for miles and an ass you could bounce one of those giant Sacagawea dollars off of. I would hit that so fast her head would spin. Call me, Kristen. And keep the shoes on.
Emma Stone. I had to IMDB her to make sure Chris Hansen wasn't going to show up on my doorstep. What am I doing here, Mr. Hansen? Just ogling Emma Stone and wondering if she'll come play in my Zombieland. Er, wait. That didn't come out right. (P.S. — If you haven't seen Easy A, do yourself a favor and buy / rent / steal it immediately.)
Amy Adams. I have loved her forever. She already had my heart long before Enchanted, but I fell super duper, extra giant lesbian-in-a-heterosexual way in love with her in Sunshine Cleaning. The girl can act and she's gorgeous to boot. Bitch.
Idina Menzel. We are totally going to make out. If I could figure out how to make out with her while she serenades me, she would need a protective order against me. True story. Her voice is insane. She shouldn't be allowed to have that kind of talent and those kinds of looks. It's not fair to the rest of us.
Kristen Chenoweth. She is my all-time biggest crush ever. Everything about her is adorable. I want to carry her in my pocket forever and ever. I have no clue how a voice that big comes out of a person that small. I would marry her if I thought she'd have me. We could have crazy, wild monkey sex, Kristen. Bring the pie.
My last two crushes are related. I may or may not have a fantasy about an epic three-way. Bring the costumes. Let's get Wicked.
Now is your chance to make me feel normal. (This will be a new feeling for me, so I'm a little anxious.) Do you have any unexpected crushes? Lay your cards on the table. Keep your hands off my women, though. I feel very... protective of them.
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