Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Internet is My Porn Dealer

I was bumming around the internet the other day (the irony of this will become apparent in about fifteen seconds) and came across the following image. I saw it and thought 'Hahaha! That is SO ME!' Then I thought about it for a moment and realized that is so me. I'm not sure if this is necessarily a good thing. The bigger question is whether or not I care enough to change it? Eh, not so much.

I barely remember how to operate a phone.

I had the hardest time recalling how I obtained porn in the past. We've never kept magazines or DVD's because I hate the clutter. My CDO is out of control. We would DVR some stuff when the boy was younger and didn't know how to operate a remote control. The downside was if company came over who MIGHT turn on our TV, we had to delete everything. We learned the hard way on this one after the out-laws visited and pushed the exact sequence of buttons to start playing "Cum Guzzlers 25." (That probably wasn't the name, but does it really matter?) Mr. TK convinced his mother that she unwittingly purchased porn on our satellite and owed us $9.99. She was so traumatized by the dick swallowing that she just apologized and paid up. Whew.

Now the internet is my porn dealer. Porn is available in every possible format: written word, photos, videos, shoes. The internet is a beautiful, perverted thing. I love you, internet.

This is exactly why I don't have a Facebook account.

I can hardly be bothered to look at a website where there is no porn. (Just for the record, I consider this site and this site to be extreme porn.) Luckily, I don't have to look far to find illicit material.

Do you think they scream "AT AT AT AT!" while climaxing?

Porn is always just a clit click away.

I swiped this pic from @subtlepen and giggle every time I see it. She's a doll. Follow her.


Even Jenny Jerkface is stunned by the amount of porn in cyberspace. Zoinks!

I started to think I might have an addiction while writing this post. That would suck because I've never made it past the first step in a twelve step program. I'll readily admit I have a whole host of problems, but I have no desire to change any of them. An internet porn addiction is probably number 487,539 on my list of issues anyway. (Fuck you, potential intervention organizers! You'll never take me alive!)

I was looking for some pics to include in this post when I noticed a recurring theme in the "internet porn" search. Twilight. I didn't think much of it first because I can relate pretty much anything back to Twilight in two degrees or less. Then I found this image.


I knew it! I am not alone!

Admit it, h00rs. How much time do you spend looking for porn on the internet? You can factor in anything you consider highly arousing: RPattz pics, food blogs, midget wrestling (there's no judging). If anyone needs me, I'll be searching for a place that sells gummy sharks in bulk. Again, no judging.

18 comments:

  1. I bow down to your husband for convincing his own mother that she purchased porn and paid for it.

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  2. the first drawing was so accurate!

    I don't spend/waste time searching for porn on the interwebs.

    I just go to Robsessed for every Rob picture ever taken (Rob-porn, right click, save), then I go straight to xtube for porn-porn. Done and done!

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  3. My husband calls himself: The King of Porn, and the internet: The Masturbation Superhighway. It always makes me giggle because I imagine he's the dirty King of Cartoons from Pee Wee's Playhouse, and then I think playhouse...Playroom...Porn...Twilight...I'm going to add typing with one hand to my resume.

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  4. If shoes and skittles can be considered porn, then twitarded is my porn...I heart all of you bitches.

    The vagina-mouse pic reminded me of one of my favorites. A while back in an attempt to take up the art of decoupage, I google-imaged "butterly box" and stumbled upon the most interesting tattoo I had ever seen. Until today, when I tried to find it again - I google-imaged "butterfly vagina tattoo", and now my new favorite is the little stick figure lawnmower man! Look it up. Do it now.

    Plus, somehow a pic of our very own ROB showed up in the results. BONUS.

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  5. Candy and shoes? I just 'gasmed.

    I go to jackson-rathbone.com for all my porn needs. ;) kidding. Sort of. Also youporn.com sometimes.

    BTW that picture of "jenny jerkface" had me dying of laughter.

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  6. I rarely look at porn, it sometimes works but more often than not creeps me out! Maybe I'm not looking at the right sites?

    But as far as looking at pics/videos of Rob/Robsten/Kristen I've definitely been known to do that for hours, especially when I'm feeling down/when I'm bored/and, to a certain extent, on normal days. It's weird, as hot as Pattinson is and as much as I love looking at him, a huge part of what interests me/lifts my spirits/attracts me to him is his relationship with Kristen. He just seems so sweet and gentle and respectful to her in interviews, and I love watching that more than anything. Was all of the above TMI or OT?

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  7. @Rikki_DD--He's a man of many talents.

    @27phoebe--I think the same thing. I'm pretty sure I have a bigger crush on Kristen than I do Rob.

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  8. *Hangs head in shame*

    Guilty as charged, ossifer. That said, now that I have a Tumblr account, I have no need to go searching ;-) The only problem is that p0rn sometimes turns up in my feed when I'm least expecting (or wanting) it. I mean, it's not like Twittah, where p0rn pics are generally prefixed with NSFW, you know?

    Oh, and just so you know, when I say p0rn, I'm meaning pics of The Boy. But you already knew that, didn't you? ;-)

    Haven't commented here in a while - so glad you got rid of that nasty DISQUS thingy ;-)

    CC x

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  9. JFTR, Neiman Marcus and I do not agree on the definition of "sandal." Sandals are for the beach. Those things on their website? Stilettos. Unless you wear stilettos to the beach... *coughcough* TK.

    Other than Twi and this site: http://kristenstewartfashion.blogspot.com/ (RIP), interior design blogs are my brand of heroin. If anyone wants to share in the eye candy, LMK. I'll email you a stack of links and you can kiss your free time (and your intact credit card limit) goodbye!

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  10. If any of you say you DON'T use the internet for porn...You lie. Sometimes you just can't help it. It's like a nip slip on the runway. It's gonna happen, you just don't know when! And holy shit, that twilight pic? SO TRUE! So very, very true....

    Am I the only one who laughed when they saw that the Facebook venn was juuuust inside the "sites I masturbate to" diagram? I did.

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  11. First post on your site ever...I spend a solid hour per day on she-porn (some of that being actual porn...ok, most of that hour is dedicated to "fapping". Thank you so much for your honest blog. Even if I didn't love Twilight as much as I do I would he proud to follow you. And for the record ... PICKER!!!

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  12. @Tracey--Welcome & thanks for commenting!

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  13. @Nifer - Yes! The Masturbation Superhighway FMTFW!!!

    I spend waaaay too much time looking up "porn", which is not just the straight up smut but also various websites where I can piss away my paycheck on awesomely cute dresses that I will inevitably dump red wine all over.

    @Tracey - HI!!!Pick your nose, watch/read a ton of porn and feel free to say whatever the fuck you want here. PICKERS/PORNERS UNITE!!

    Or something like that. I'm on my third glass of wine on an empty stomach. If this doesn't make sense, it's Latchkey Wife's fault. She's such a bitch.

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  14. @Nifer - Is that YOUR tattoo??? That's fucking AMAZING.

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  15. Gee, I skip Twitarded for a day or two and it's all boogers and porn...

    speaking of rob porn... stumbled qacross this the other day while *working*
    http://www.zimbio.com/photos/Robert+Pattinson/Robert+Pattinson+Making+Appearance+Planet/40_5Qy-n-9L

    Fan Fiction is my porn of choice.I'm not into visuals...

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  16. I like tumblr porn these days. Of course Robporn is an essential to my daily existence...I know that isn't the kind of porn you are speaking of...though I do have all of his sex scenes in photo form on my phone. I am sick and I don't care.

    I love that Mr. TK convinced his mother she purchased porn...bwahahahaha!

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  17. OMG we are twins .. hehehehe. I hate Facebook .. have two accounts and never go .. but Tumblr owns my ass. Wonder why??? Well, you've already said it....LOL.

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  18. I rareley go on the internet when I am at home. I always read Twitarded at work in the mornings so I don't look at porn much.

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