Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Jackass: The Cullen Edition

I have a secret to share with you. It's not a super-duper I-could-tell-you-but-then-I'd-have-to-kill-you type of secret. It's just something I don't normally share with people. But I think we've known each other long enough by now soooooooo... here it goes...

I'm a huge fan of the Jackass movies and I have a crush on Johnny Knoxville*. There I said it.

Last night, Mr. LKW and I watched Jackass 3D DVD (without the 3D of course) and my GAWD did we cackle! We cried, we gagged, we covered out eyes, we cringed... but isn't that what the boys of Jackass are all about? I mean when they do something disgusting enough to make Steve-O puke, you know it's really gross.

Why is it so incredibly funny to see men hit in the balls over and over again? Or to watch them willingly subject themselves to charging bulls and cattle prods and lots and lots of poop? I wonder if Jenny Jerkface could blow bubbles with her farts? Sounds like a good trick for Forks JJ - get working on that.

I do believe there was one part where I not only had to shut my eyes, but I also had cover my ears because I was dangerously close to tossing my cookies all over the coffee table. [If you've seen this movie, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say "sweatsuit cocktail" - fucking grossest thing ever!] But man...that is some funny shit.

So now imagine the Cullen men cast as the boys of Jackass.

Edward Cullen as Johnny Knoxville. That's a no-brainer for the sole reason that he's the only one I want to fuck. Enough said.

Nom nom nom...there's a sandwich I'd like to be a part of!

Emmett Cullen as Bam Margera. Doesn't Emmett strike you as just a tad Bam-ish? I would pick him as the one most likely to play some practical jokes on Esme and Carlisle. Like, say...having your friend dress up in a gorilla costume and trash their hotel room.

Looks like they've got the whole cock-eyed hat thing down. (And I'm not quite sure why, but Bam scares me just a little.)

Jasper Cullen as Steve-O. Fitting since Jasper always looks like he needs to take a shit, and Steve-O seems to be constantly covered in shit. Good fit. Although they look nothing alike.

Kinda looks like they both need to take a shit here... or maybe they already did.

Carlisle Cullen as Chris "Party Boy" Pontius. Mainly because I want to see Carlisle walk around wearing as little clothing as possible. And also, I'd like to see him use his cock as a baseball bat. I bet he swings a big bat.

See? Carlisle already has experience with a big bat!

Level with me Twitards? Are any of you out there Jackass fans -- either in the closet or out? Don't leave me hanging! Am I the only one who wants to ride Johnny Knoxville like the prize bull at the rodeo?

*My crush on JK does come with the stipulation that if we were ever to do the horizontal tango, he will need to dipped in a vat of bleach beforehand.

PS: For everyone who hasn't been able to comment since the switch to Disqus - have no fear - we've gotten rid of that commenting platform and have gone back to the original Blogger comments. Come on back! We miss you!


  1. now all I can think about is Carlisle and Jasper playing Hyena Football...

    wildboyz will always hold a special place in my heart...

  2. Yeah for easy commenting!!

    Actually, I have a soft spot for Johnny too. I think he's super cute even though he scuba dived in a sewer treatment plant. And I saw the Dukes of Hazard movie just because of him. I'm a closet Jack Ass fan too!

  3. Ugh, I thought I blocked the sweatsuit cocktail from my head...and now I'm gagging.

    Absolutely FLOVE Jackass! Anytime they have Johnny dress as an old dude, I know awesome times are coming. My parents are in their mid 60s and are also fans of Jackass. I remember coming home from my job when I was younger and they'd be up late at night laughing at it.

    Mom loves Jackass, but the movie Grandmas Boy grosses her out...go figure

  4. OMG, love me some Jackass! Brilliant casting, LKW.

  5. Thinking about Jackass makes me want to cry. I saw the first one... but I'm a little bitch and have a weak tummy so I haven't seen any more of them. That being said, those guys have balls of steel to do what they do. Plus, JK is freaking hot as hell.

    *whispers* I have a twilight actor jackass story if anyone wants to hear it.. email me cuz I'm not going to post it on here. But one of them did try to channel Jackass a while ago. ;)

  6. Jackass is fantastic. It always makes me happy when people hurt themselves. I'd go a step a further and say that Wee man would make an excellent Alice Cullen. But I'm not sure would would be a good Preston...

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  8. I think someone should write a fanfic about this idea. And awesome casting, now all I can think about it Dr. Cullen using his dick as a bat.
    Love Jackass, btw! JK is so sexy, but needs a serious dip in some

  9. OME, has no one seen the tease MTV has w/the BD footage, its about 15 seconds but it's there. You can also find it on Why has no one said anything? Ugh.

  10. Johnny Knoxville is DE.LI.CIOUS.

    I have horrible flashes of the time the Jackass boys gave each other paper cuts - especially between the toes!!! AGG that was awful!!!

    And I totally enlarged the pic of Chris to look at his weirdo dong. Three times. That might be another horrible flash to go with the toe thing. Thanks for that.

  11. A comment, I left a comment!!!!!!! Whopeeeeeeeeeee.........


  12. I've only watched Jackass under protest (my daughter loves it) but I must admit I have a fondness for Bam's own show. Although if I had a son who pulled stuff like that, he would be DEAD. I pity his poor, suffering Mom!

    But I like the Cullen crew in these roles! Someone get on that FF idea!

    And welcome back blogger commenting!

  13. @Kintail - a Jackass/Twi fanfic?! lol! ok i'd read it in a dirty heartbeat...

    I have always been the person running around telling people to NOT do every single thing that they do in the Jackass movies, so I can't comfortably go there, but I know enough to follow along with LKW's Cullen associations. Can I get a "Knoxward"?!

  14. Love JK and the Jackass movies...altho,I too have to turn away often as to not blow chunks myself..and just the mention of that part of the movie has my throat tightening up and stomach turning...gah title truly fits...loved the snakes, and Bam.. and the bull bit...crazyass bastids..

  15. Erm, I was obsessed with the CKY videos and had a thing for Bam Margera back in the day. Big time. Between setting cars on fire, beating the shit out of each other with flour (my bro and I used to do this) and all the other wicked shit, I was hooked. I'm right with you, LKW.

    The stupider it is, the more I like it. Kinda reminds me of something...

  16. Oh yes, I love JK as well, had a crush on him forever! Jackass is hilarious.

  17. I guess I'm the minority here. I've watched the show with my son. The goofy shit is funny but the gross shit, not so much; just not my thing.

    So happy to be posting again!

  18. However, Bam's show I like. His poor Mom... I love the shit they pull on his Dad & Don Vito, lol

  19. What you're saying is completely true. I know that everybody must say the same thing, but I just think that you put it in a way that everyone can understand. I also love the images you put in here. They fit so well with what you're trying to say. I'm sure you'll reach so many people with what you've got to say.

  20. Let me start by saying nice post. I'm not sure if it has been talked about, but when using Chrome I can never get the entire site to load without refreshing many times. Could just be my computer. Thanks.

  21. Great post! I'm just starting out in community management/marketing media and trying to learn how to do it well – resources like this article are incredibly helpful.

    As our company is based in the US, it's all a bit new to us. The example above is something that I worry about as well, how to show your own genuine enthusiasm and share the fact that your product is useful in that case.

  22. I'm not a fan of Jackass.. I don't like seeing people get hurt. Let me rephrase that.. I laugh when a kid falls down or a guy get's hit in the nuts when he's standing too close to a piñata but I hate when people are seriously hurt and even if they are doing it knowing the consequences I just can't watch.

    I'd fuck the shit out of Johnny Knoxville though... but definitely after a bleach bath.

  23. Hallefrickenlujah...disqus is gone!

  24. Well poop! Looks like the spam comments are back. I guess that's what happens when you make it simple enough for the rest of us to comment! (Although I have been able to comment with Disqus several times - it just wasn't consistently accessible.)

    I don't think I could watch a full-length Jackass movie. But I have enjoyed JK is some other films.

  25. Aww DAMMIT! I liked the Disqus thing! I didn't have any probs with it. And now I can't post pictures! I have to them to you so you're the only one in on the joke? Wait, I'll just post it to Twittah. That'll do.

    Oh. And yes. I shall ride JK post anti-bac marathon swim. I might need him to get a colostomy and a full dental cleaning, just to be safe (enough). Then we can tag-team it. Boy.Is.Fine.

  26. Wooooooooooooofreakinghooooooooo!!!! I can comment easily and readily again!

    I can do JackAss but I most definitely can do Johnny K...oh yes.

    @STY...yes please to Knoxward.

  27. Hats off for trying the Disqus thing - good for yall for attempting some new technology :) But, yay for easy commenting again.

    I LOVE the Jackass movies... so much so that despite many months of morning (/allday) sickness, I recently watched the third one with hubs. There were definitely a few times where I had to bury my head in a pillow (the sweatsuit cocktail was one) but overall it was awesome. Flove those movies. And, your Twi-casting is spot-on. Emmett as Bam? Perfection.

  28. OMG, comment function is back!!!!!!

    But first: must say this post is fantastic, and you were so inventive to link it to Twilight. I was a Jackass fan from the beginning MTV days..and thought I was alone for so long (as a mature adult female). As for you and Johnny, I get it. But personally am more amused by, and thus attracted to, the Pontius stunts--like during that car rally in Europe, he was in Poland roller skating through some dump of a town with all these grey and grim ex-communist peasants and etc., in a jockstrap and waving a tiny American flag as the locals had their tiny ex-commie minds blown by the ugly American antics. So thanks for outing yourself and making me feel in good company finally.


  29. I don't even have to watch the sweatsuit cocktail to know what's going to happen and I want to totally vom thinking about it.

    I admit it - I had a thing for Bam Margera back when they were doing the CKY videos (pre-Jackass)but he looks a little creepy now.

  30. Hell to the fuck YEAH! You're a friggin' genius! (I can't even begin to imagine what a sweatsuit cocktail is and I don't think I want to know.

  31. If anyone has the ballz to watch the Sweatsuit Cocktail... here's a link. The quality isn't that great, but you get the idea.

    I love that I'm not alone in my love for this debauchery! It's so much fun to watch...

  32. Johnny Knoxville is THE ONLY REASON I have sat through those shows & movies. He is SO HOT. I'll send you some pics from my stash here at work. LOL!

    P.S. I love you all for switching back to this comment platform!! That has made my WEEK. :-)

  33. Thank you SO MUCH for switching back to this comment platform! I'm sorry for those who liked the other one better, but I couldn't even see the comments! I really missed reading them all!

  34. Addicted2TwilightJune 2, 2011 at 6:41 PM

    I am an out of the closet Jackass fan. I absolutely love it! The sweatsuit cocktail totally made me cringe but the port-a-potty scene made me leave the room.

  35. Look at all the pretty comments :)

    This is one place where we are different. I do not like Jackass at all. The only tie I have to it is a few months ago I dreamed I married Steve O and I don't even know how he got in my dream but he was wonderfully sweet and the dream was perfect.

  36. I love Jackass. I love Johnny. I love you. That is all.


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