Tuesday, June 28, 2011

What Happens When "A Case of the Mondays" Extends Beyond, Well, Monday

I'm not sure what it is lately that has us all amped up in a complete rage-y mess here at Twitarded -- maybe Jupiter is up Uranus or my anus or some shit like that. It just has to be planet related! It seems like every other email we exchange these days contains something along the lines of "are you sure it's not okay to punch someone in the kidney at work?" So of course, now I feel the need to jump on that big bitching bandwagon Jenny Jerkface and Texas Katherine started and complain about all those who piss me off. If I had my way, I'd be handing out more ass-kickings than Roadhouse Patrick Swayze (RIP dude).

"If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice."

Let's start with me. I totally pissed myself off today. I am a horrible parker. Normally, I would spend the extra couple of minutes to carefully fix my car if it looked like it would cause problems. But today, I got out of my car, noticed that I was diagonal between the lines, thought "huh, TK would totally bitchslap me for this", but instead of getting back in my car to correct my flawed attempt at parking, I shrugged my shoulders and headed into my office. Fuck it. Even I can't make me happy this week.

Speaking of cars and driving, I'm also really annoyed by the people who try to go through the EZ Pass lane but HAVE NO EZ PASS. Yo, shit-for-brains! Was the giant purple sign that says "EZ Pass ONLY" not fucking clear enough for you? Or maybe you thought someone had magically put an EZ Pass tag in your car when you weren't looking? Or were you just too busy texting or getting road-head to notice??

What? This isn't clear enough for you? **head desk**

If you find yourself in this lane -- here are a few tips on what not to do. First, don't park your car and get out waving your fucking dollar around hoping some kindhearted Turnpike Authority worker is going to come skipping over to your car to collect your toll. It's not gonna happen --believe me, their job is thankless enough. Second, since when does backing up sound like a good idea in rush hour traffic? Just go through the fucking thing and accept the consequences -- take it like a man!

But the thing that's causing most of my fury these days would be the inconsiderate assholes that travel my street. Since when did it become okay to just heave glass bottles and trash out of your car? Nothing pisses me off more than some taint licker mucking up the beautiful Maine scenery. Last I checked, Maine had a littering fine. Who knows when the last time it was enforced... but if one fucking cop just sat on my road and fined every litterer that traveled my street, I'm pretty sure we could take care of the state's deficit in like 3 months.

This has become more of a problem for me recently since I'm back to regular dog walking. It's a wicked lot of fun dodging piles of broken glass while making sure you or the dogs don't wander too close to the road where one of us could easily get mowed down by some idiot doing 60mph (the speed limit is 40 - no one goes 40.)

Broken beer bottle + dog paw = giant fucking headache

{{Takes a gigantic breath}} I could go on and on but I bet you're probably all rolling your eyes, wondering when I'm just going to shut my gob already. Or you're making a mental note not to get within a hundred miles of Maine right now!

Oh shit, I can't help myself today. Told you I'm cranky! Just one more -- my husband can't tell the difference between a hobby and a chore. If I'm vacuuming the house - that's a chore. If he's working on his old truck - that's a hobby. Why does he always act like what he's doing is the most important thing in the world? Piss. Me. Off.

Ok, really done now. Promise.

Huh? This has oddly made me feel better. I think I often have a problem with keeping my anger bottled up inside. Which isn't safe -- for anyone. Especially when I finally blow. So thanks, for letting me get it off my chest. I'm going to my happy place now...

Did someone say blow?


  1. Funny. I've been unusually pissed off lately as well. Maybe all of our cycles have morphed? We certainly spend enough time together for that.
    Or, maybe since we're all old(ish) menopause is setting in. Just saying...

  2. The moon is in the seventh house...But truly, I hear you.slap a bitch if you need too. I smiled when I saw the Rob pic, he does somehow make everything ok. The trash thing is a little weird, do you have a bunch of drunken teens throwing bottles out the window in your area? I don't even get that, and I'm in the city.lol cheer up buttercup we will soon be chilliaxin with jj in Boston..skaweee love ya.

  3. Ps..not sure why my blog address came up there..you'll have to help me fix that..oye

  4. I think Sabrina's right... all of our cycles must be in sync. I'm a bit ragey/staby when I'm PMSing but that's not unusual for the times when I'm not PMSing either.

    I hear you on the trash thing. I live down the street from a HS and those little assholes leave their trash all over our block. There is a tunnel under the railroad tracks at the opposite end of the block and let me tell you some of the things I've seen littered by those assholes... bottles, candy wrappers, fast food cups/wrappers, the ends of joints, and condoms. I can live with the litter as long as it isn't used condoms *gag*

  5. Can I add people that don't clean up their dog shit- I'm a runner- all Gump style- it's like a GD obstacle course on the park paths! I have taken to wearing a fanny pack full of plastic baggies and bullying people into picking it up. One day I even picked it up for one of these asstards and followed her home. Hubs has a bail fund set aside for when it reaches a Swayze crazy head.

  6. Yep. Some days life sux. But that picture was nice.

    I think Imma try this. Whenever I feel like I need to cutabitch, Imma just look at The Prettah. (I think I've got something like 1,800 + pictures that automatically downloaded one time when I synced my phone. - Might as well put them to good use!) Yeah. That's the ticket!

    And lots of Xanax. Just in case.

  7. LKW, You're a genius!!!! This is the best solution for debt reduction I've seen yet. So they don't want to raise the debt limit, huh? Let's fine those fuckers who litter!!! I love it. Maybe we Twitards can volunteer for the job, and that way we can take all our anger out on litterers. DID YOU LEAVE THIS HERE?! DID YOU?? DID YOU????

    Seriously, you're a genius.

  8. @Nifer -- Oooooh, don't even get me started on the dog shit! Granted, I do live in a rural town where the pooper scooper law isn't really enforced. I have one dog that refuses to poo outside her own yard and my other dog will only poop in the woods. My hubs and I are constantly yelling out "POOP" to warn the other when a pile is present.

    @Pimpy -- Welcome back bb! We've missed you here 'round these parts. Sorry to hear about your job...that blows. Can you imagine if Twitards were the litter police? No one would dare so much as to flick their cigarette ash on the ground!

  9. @LKW - FLOVE the Roadhouse mention! Man that Patrick Swayze was good looking back in the day! (I had a thing for Patrick - aka Johnny Castle back when I was a kid.) ;-)

    I hate people that litter. Is it SO HARD to just keep it in your car until you get from point A to point B?? I do it all the time! As for the doggie poop people...I hate picking up dog crap (I gag every time) but I don't have a dog so I don't usually have to worry about it.

  10. @Twilight Junkie - if all our cycles fall on the same time of the month, this world is screwed.

    And Roadhouse reference FTMFW!!!

  11. I don't have the excuse of the monthly cycle (for now) but I have another, at least as good excuse to be hormonal and bitchy. Currently on my sh*t list:
    - People who insist that I ask the doctor *one more time* to be sure I'm not having twins (thankfully, only a few people have done this so I haven't junk-punched anyone yet... but it's coming).
    - People who call me to ask sixteen stupid questions from a work ad I have posted, when all questions can easily be answered by reading the ad. Why do I have to take the time to answer your asinine questions when you can't take the time to read the ad?
    - Politicians. In general. Campaign season starts way too early in this country. What, it takes you a year and a half to prove that you're just another empty suit who will pander to the masses to get reelected?
    - Clutter, stacks of paper, and clutter again. I have been throwing away stuff like crazy but I swear it multiples when I'm sleeping. Agggghh.

  12. I just finished my cycle and I am cranky as shit. I usually don't do cranky. Something is messed up in the universe. Honestly the only thing that rights me these days are you people/my friends, my puppy, and The Precious. Yep. Better than Xanax...er,just marginally....okay it's a wash. :P

  13. I'm totally gonna have JJ give you a smack for that total tool parking job - lol... (but I still love you!)

  14. People in my neighborhood are very fond of leaving broken glass on the sidewalk as well. My poor puppy is always dodging beer bottles when we go for a walk

  15. Well balls...I'm late (but not really) to the party again. I really need to make you guys my bedtime ritual again. *note to self*

    I haven't been obscenely bitchy, but I have noticed an excess of shark bait around the way. If the moon is in my anus, I haven't been feeling the effects, but many have. I've mostly been hiding under cover or offering a shoulder to soak. Wish I could make it better...In theory.

    I honestly have nothing to contribute except my obsession over the last pic provided. *flicks bean* Yessah.....

  16. I left work early on MOnday because I was afraid I was going to hurt someone. Then I had to have an emergency counseling session to deal with my lack of anger management this week. Please tell me this will pass and it is because of some stupid planets that we can blast out of the sky so it never happens again!!

    Statement of the week by the way:

    Boys are stupid.

    Statement of life:

    There are no men, only boys.

  17. Seriously! I'm in Portland, Maine (love Maine!)...hate all other drivers on the road...can they not see my "I drive like a Cullen" bumper sticker (right next to my "Be Safe" decal-no, I don't mean you moron drivers) and get out of my way!! If one more person waves at me to slow down I will get those bumper-mounted cannons and use them!


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