Unfortunately, I am also a raging douchebag. But in a different way. You see, while I have the mouth of a trucker and a mind that often hangs out in the gutter, there is one thing that is super duper important to me.
Common Courtesy. It's really simple but most people wander around like the world revolves solely for their benefit. And these people make me stabby.
It's the little things that turn me from a relatively mild-mannered crotchety jerk into a seething mass of violent urges and blinding rage. However, because it's illegal to punch people in the back of the head for not holding the door open for you when you're walking directly behind them, I have to vent my anger in other ways, which isn't really venting at all, it's just me glaring at the back of someone's head asking myself, "What would Genghis Khan do?"
He'd rip your entrails out and shit in your eye sockets, that's what he would do...
A brief history lesson for those of you who may not have ever heard of this dude: Genghis Khan conquered himself an enormous empire in China and possibly elsewhere (what? I'm not a fucking historian) by basically being an insane, ass-kicking, murdering motherfucker who took shit from NO ONE and if you pissed him off you would probably find your head on the sharp end of a really big stick. I'm pretty sure villagers probably shit their pants at the mere mention of this guy's dick, let alone his army. I also think he liked to collect heads and may have possibly had a pyramid of them.
Even Chuck Norris is afraid of him.
For the most part, when I encounter pure acts of douchism, I keep my mouth shut. And channel Genghis Khan.
For example, I cannot stand the people who use roll-y briefcases. Rolling luggage I can understand because if you pack like Snarkier Than You then I'm sure that shit is heavy, but there is nothing more infuriating than having some man dragging around his fucking laptop on a set of wheels through New York City. First of all, sidewalks are crowded and no one can see your fucking mini-luggage. Want to know why? Because its small, asshat, and the whole reason its small is because there isn't a whole lot of shit in your briefcase so eat your goddamn Wheaties and pick that up like everyone else. You're taking up valuable room on the sidewalk and running over people's feet, dickwad.
Nothing screams "I'm a pussy" more than someone dragging around six pounds on wheels. You are obviously not going to survive the zombie apocalypse.
But it's when you decide to get all bent out of shape when people accidentally kick your briefcase that makes me want to go totally Genghis Khan on your ass, pick the fucking briefcase up, and throw it into oncoming traffic, possibly with you trailing after it.
Because I'm a commuter I deal with a lot more assholery than most people do. Public transportation is a bitch, to be sure. There is a certain etiquette to traveling on public transportation, mainly because if there wasn't, the train would probably make the gladiator fights at the Coliseum look like a knitting class in an old folks' home.
More or less what I imagine my commute to resemble if that last tenuous thread of courtesy snapped...
There are a few things that people do on a train that I think totally warrants having your head added to the trophy pile of "heads from assholes who have absolutely no regard to their fellow travelers." One of these behaviors, which makes me shake with unadulterated fury is when people take their shoes off. What the fuck? Does this torn, graffiti covered vinyl seat look like your fucking couch at home? Your nasty feet have been sweltering in a pair of loafers all day and by removing your shoes, you're releasing your sweaty funk and bacteria into the air - OH MAH GAHD DON'T YOU DARE PUT YOUR FEET ON MY SEAT!!!
Genghis Khan time, mother fuckers. This goes ten-fold for people who cut their nails on the train. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have witnessed this and it blows my mind. It's all I can do not to leap over the seats, rip the nail clippers out of their hands and stuff them in their eye. It's gross and unsanitary. Keep that shit contained.
I realize that I'm not the most patient person on earth. At all. Checkout lines are my own personal hell and I try to not to freak the fuck out when someone decides to pay with pennies, or has coupons. I really do. But when a person stands there, watches the cashier ring and bag all their items and then goes for their wallet, I lose my shit. I mean, you weren't fucking doing anything while the cashier was bagging your shit (which, incidentally, unless you have a disability or graduated high school the same year the Titanic sank, you should be bagging your own groceries)!! Didn't it occur to you that maybe you could use that five minutes to dig through your gargantuan sack of a bag and start looking for your wallet? What, were you surprised that you had to actually pay or something? Because I seriously don't understand why you seemed to confused about the final step of a transaction you're probably done hundreds, if not thousands, of times in your measly little life!!!
I know I'm not the only one who becomes completely enraged when strangers (and friends) do certain things. Whether it's masticating with their gobs wide open to shitting on your bedspread (if you don't have a problem with the latter I need to know why RIGHT NOW), I want to know what makes you, dear reader, want to go Genghis Khan on somebody's ass.