Thursday, July 28, 2011

Breaking Dawn Merch: I'm Worried.

So I was over at Jenny Jerkface's house the other day, admiring how Twitarded's three Edward Cullen standees complement the decor in her dining room. I started wondering when Breaking Dawnward would be available and how many more standees we could bring in to JJ's home before ML puts a hit out on me (I suspect the answer may be "none," but we'll find out). And then it occurred to me that we're on the verge of a huge influx of Break Dawn merchandise. People, this could get interesting.

I'm actually a little concerned by the lack of Breaking Dawn merch at ComicCon - don't they usually unveil the minis and assorted other NECA Twilighty tchotchkes there? The only thing I've seen so far is this awful, sucks-to-the-nth-degree calendar (which we'll deal with in its entirety some other night) -

It's a little-known fact that part of the vampiric marriage ceremony involves the bride and groom having their hair dyed a matching shade.

Just because few "official" items have come out doesn't mean that there aren't treasures to be had... As usual, the fans are way ahead of the curve, crafting their own merch to fill that gaping hole in their hearts that can only be assuaged by DIY OOAK Barbies...

Spoiler alert! I've seen the Breaking Dawn script and Bella becomes a biker and runs off with Jackson Rathbone after a 100 Monkeys show. It's a little bit of a departure, but as you can see it just WORKS.

How about a reproduction of Bella's wedding dress? You know it's coming! Perfect for your Twilighty themed wedding to your Edward or a sly nod to your love of Twilight that 99% of people won't get, so go nuts! Mr. Snarky is lucky we already tied the knot, that's all I'm saying. Our 10th anniversary is coming up early next year, though, so maybe we'll get dressed up and renew our vows. You know, just for kicks and giggles.

Some entrepreneurial ladies are already selling their version of the hair clip Bella wears in the wedding scene on Etsy.

There was a time when I absolutely would have worn this. Sadly, that time was the late 80s.

A slightly more wearable nod to Twilight is available here -

This comes with a lock of Robert Pattinson's hair in it, right?

I suppose ANY hand-crafted merchandise is better than the infamous "Bella's Womb" - AKA "the thing that kept the Pattinson Panties from being the #1 inappropriate piece of Twi gear that year" -


So what do you think is being concocted in some factory in China at this very moment??? Clever, fitted maternity tees for Hot Topic and elastic-waist maternity jeans in the Brass Plum section of Nordstrom? What will be the thing you'll NEED to add to your collection??? And how much effort will you put into hiding said acquisition from your S/O???


  1. Speaking of JJ's FSE's, did we ever get an update on ML's reaction to the awesome decorating skills you two managed to surprise/shock/scare him with?

    Okay, now onto the topic..BD merch...I was really hoping for a Carlisle doll, but now that I see what his hair looks like...I'm scared.

  2. "I've seen the Breaking Dawn script and Bella becomes a biker and runs off with Jackson Rathbone after a 100 Monkeys show. It's a little bit of a departure, but as you can see it just WORKS" - I'm dying. I think I woke up my neighbors from laughing so hard.

    ALL I want is a Jasper wig. Is that too much to ask for?!!?!?

  3. Also a BD FSJ (Jasper, not Jacob) and only because that Jasper actually looks like Jackson....

    If they could also sell mini headboards, that would be cool too.

  4. Well the whole feather in the hair thing is big right now....perhaps it was Breaking Dawn inspired?

    How about a whole Breaking Dawn themed baby shower set?....plates, cups, baby bottles with blood in them. Maybe we can get some sparkly lube know since they are finally doing it. The possibilities are endless.

  5. I think this is the worst Carlisle has ever looked. Like for realz he has like berry lipstick on. I do not understand what goes on in the hair and make-up trailers on these films but it is surely evil.

  6. My Twilight Barbie collection SO need the rest of the Cullen family. There still is no Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Rosalie or Emmett! Outragous! And my Bella Barbie wants a mini replica of the Carolina Herrera wedding dress. (No wait - maybe it's just nerdy me...)
    Sparkly condoms would be great merchandies as well. Cus nobody wants babies like these: ...

  7. I'm glad that you'll give us the opportunity to destroy that calendar. How they manage to make such gorgeous people look so horrendous is baffling.

    The only merchandise I'm planning to buy will be a keychain to add to my other three. My keychain weighs about three pounds but I wouldn't go without it.

    If they put out a better calendar I'd buy that.

    WV - trampl (what needs to be done to the hair/makeup "artist" who worked over the actors on this calendar)

    What is OOAK?

  8. Oh they're serious????? Jesus! Please stop making this laughable execs!!

  9. At first glance (I skip ahead to the pictures) I thought that womb thing was some kind of pizza or mushroom or something. Then I read the description. Let's just say that it's a good thing that I haven't had breakfast yet.

    I am going to be super-annoyed if they just NOW come out with BD maternity tees. Also? No way I'm buying that ridiculous calendar. It never ceases to amaze me how those idiots at Summit can take a group of genuinely, naturally attractive people and make them look so plastic and ridiculous.

    I'll probably just buy a t-shirt, like I did for the other movies. Gotta have something to wear to the midnight premiere!

  10. @Rikki DD - I don't even know how they possibly managed to make Carlisle's hair look so bad.

    @Nicola & @likeitlemony ...aaaand I have no idea how they make ALL of those very very attractive people look so BAD. I think you may be on to something with the whole "evil" thing. There might be no other way to explain it, really.

    @Jaymes805 - mini headboards? YES!

    @My After Car - I know - it's a travesty!

    @VitaminR - i NEED that whole set for my BD party - might have to make it custom!

    @SwedenAnna - there are TONS of barbie cullens out there - someone must be making the rest of the fam. to some varying degree of success - lol...

    @josie cullen - once of the many things that makes me want to smack the folks at Scummit...

  11. Hmmm I can't wait for all the merchandise! Add to my growing collection and I have to figure out how to hide it all with the new house. Since hubs is away I'm gonna try a get a picture of all, that could be scary.

  12. Welp.....thanks to this post, I'm now painfully aware of what regurgitated coffee & Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts tastes like.

    First, it's that god-awful calendar (I swallowed) and then the ultra-gross womb dealio and I had to run to the bathroom.

    Just....ugh. You know I love my merch, but this lot of stuff may bring my Ebay purchases to a screaming halt!


  13. @VR - I so need the BD baby shower merch. My 1st-cousin-once-removed-in-law is preggers and she's a big Twi fan.

    And surely we need the shirtless-honeymoon-Edward FSE!

    More appropriately, there should be BD "anti-climax lotion" which will instantly act like a bucket of cold water when you get too het up.

    What I really want is Twi Lego sets. The Cullen house, the Eclipse camping scene, Isle Esme. Actually, they could just make the figures and we could probably create our own sets (for those of you with access to 20 tons of Lego bricks) I have a speedboat. I can use for Isle Esme, and a bunch of palm trees from a dinosaur set. Just need Bella and Edward!

    (I am just venting my frustration at not being able to justify dropping several hundred $$ on a bunch of Harry Potter legos. Damn, I want the huge Hogwarts castle set. Instead, I'm settling for "Freeing Dobby" - on markdown at Target)

  14. That calendar is just atrocious. I honestly don't know how they can possibly make such a bunch of good looking people look absolutely terrible.

    And the womb? Yeah, no.

  15. What the hellz is that thing in the last picture?! Why would someone want to replicate Bella's Womb?! And WHO THE HELL would want to buy it?!

    I totally get the Pattinson panties, but that womb shiz is just absurd.

    Ok, the matching hair color is just one of the MANY things that is SO wrong with the BD poster/calendar. Were they trying to make us hate the hair and make-up people before the movie even comes out? The crazy thing is that they all look 10 times better in the footage we've seen, so why is it necessary to make them look like bad replicas of themselves on the promotional merch?! Does not make sense.

    My 1st purchase of BD memorabilia will be a new Pocket Edward. I can't resist him. I'm hoping for an Isle Esme version...or even a Wedward would be awesome. AND I will also purchase a new FSE...that's always a must.

  16. I'm sorry....WOMB!?! Not shudder...Something more intense. Like projectile vomit.

    I'm kind of surprised there isn't an official Breaking Dawn Pillow. Stuffed to the seams with feathers that spurt out when you squeeze or bite it too hard. I'd buy it. And sneak it in for premeditated rough romp sessions.

    I'm personally waiting for the Made By Rosalie dog bowls...I'm predicting they will look a little like steel drums, but I really do think I would buy them. And they would make me smile.

  17. Carlisle looks like fucking Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran. Spot On.

  18. Jeezus that last picture makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm veeeeery worried about this merch. And I get more worried about the movie every day. Please don't let me know Summit... please!

  19. I've read this post 3 times & I still don't know which part is the funniest. I can not stop laughing.

  20. @ VitaminR

    No, not that dude from Duran Duran, Carlisle looks like Ozymandias from Watchmen!

  21. Mostly I just crave more Robward pics and yes, s/o still refuses to do me in our bedroom since I put my 3' New Moon Edward poster on the wall - hey, it's on my side of the bed, so it's not as if I can look at HIM during, well, never mind, too much information!

    Also I want a triple disc special edition with LOTS of extras! And I want Rob singing on the soundtrack, his voice melts my innards..

  22. Well no matter how bad it all is, it didn't stop us all from hounding the Summit booth at Comic Con to get tons of swag!! I want a Carlisle doll - Neca or Barbie or Tonner - don't really care, I just want a Carlisle.


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