Friday, July 8, 2011

How Men and Women are Different: Reason 1 of 987213988572082794...

Not to state the obvious here, but men and women are vastly different. I'm not just talking about our boobies or the wrinkly, hairy bags of genetics that hang between their legs - I want to focus on a more subtle point.

It is the truth. We're far more advanced then men and their on/off (ahem) stick...

Before I continue, I need to point out that these observations are all my own and are based on the numerous men I have lived with over the years. I mean that in a much less slutty way than it sounds. The only reason I'm making this disclaimer is in the event that ML ever does decide to read this blog he won't think I'm talking completely about him and do horrible things to me while I'm sleeping. Or knocked unconscious.

Anyway, what I'm talking about is the difference between how men behave when they are sick and how women behave when they sick.

Frankly, men are kinda pussies about it.

I've seen the manliest men, the kind who probably could take a hockey puck to the nuts and laugh about it, completely lose their mind over the common cold. I'm talking about throwing a pity party the size of a royal wedding, complete with whining, moaning and even possibly an abridged Last Will & Testament scrawled onto a tissue with the remaining dregs of the Robitussin bottle because, you know, they're totally going to die from having a cold.

Someone needs to stop the Earth from turning!! Can't you see I'm sick???

A guy has a fever and the next thing you know, he's asking you to rub his feet, his belly, spoon feed him NyQuil and sit with his diseased ass for hours on end in case he needs the volume of the television adjusted, or there is a scratch on his ear that he is too feeble to itch.

Needless to say, Jenny don't play that. First of all, you have a stuffy nose? Wah. I've had a stuffy nose since I was five fucking years old, buddy, because thanks to my questionably inferior genetics, I'm allergic to everything. If I had a family crest it would be a glass of wine, a laptop and goddamned pile of used tissues. I would be richer than Bill Gates is I could use snot as a commodity so you can stare at me with those swollen little puppy dog eyes all you want. Blow your nose and nut the fuck up, bronco.

The laptop and wine are on top of the desk.

Here's the thing: when a dude first gets sick, I actually try to muster up a small iota of sympathy. But after two days or so it occurs to me that the only treatment I got the last time I was sick was a request to pick up some beer on my way home from the drugstore or the phrase that I am sure has ended a man's life somewhere, sometime:

"I'd hug you/get your medicine for you/sit with you/fill in the blank but I don't want to get sick."

If there are any men reading this and you've uttered some variation of that sentence, I can guarantee you that your woman, despite being wracked with illness, immediately made it her life goal to pass it on to you. The moment you left the room or house, she was busily rubbing her snot encrusted nose all over your clothes and pillows.

It's hard to think through a 103 degree fever, but she's coming up with a diabolical plan to fuck with him. Hard.

As vindicating as this action may be, it will inevitably backfire on the person with the vagina. Because if she succeeds, the man will get sick. And she will have to take care of him and rub Vicks on his chest.

It's just a vicious cycle.


  1. you are speaking the truth, sister! my husband has woken me up groaning because of a fever. seriously? and he has to narrate every ache, expectoration, or diarrhea episode with me, as though it's all new to him and he's not sure if it's normal.

    his new ailment is a stubbed toe he's been complaining about for 4 days now. and, of course, if there is something wrong with him, will he go to a doctor? of course not. he'd rather make me listen to him whine about it.

    vw: petterot. if my husband ever gets a case of petterot, THEN he can come complaining to me.

  2. It starts young too. I have two boys and from the time the could speak every boo-boo was epic. I bark "shake it off," and they limp away. The little one even limps when it's an upper extremity injury. And we are accused of being dramatic. The fu^k you say.

  3. It's worse when the dude's a hypochondriac. If my dad has the flu, it's pneumonia. Kidney infection? Nah, it has to be diabetes. Constipation (yes, he tells the whole fucking family)? Bowel cancer. I wish I was kidding. And my mom wonders why I'm still single?!

    I think he watches too much House.

  4. Oh JJ, you have hit the nail on the head. My very recent ex heard me coughing (asthma, not infection related) the very first time he was at my house:

    Him: "Are you sick"
    Me: "No, just my asthma"
    Him: "Oh, good. I don't like germs and I can't afford to be sick"

    Yeah, he was clearly a keeper. Arsehole. Thanks for the sympathy. Asthma's only a life-threatening narrowing of the bronchioles, douchbag. I'm fine.

  5. My husband actually told me to "go on without him" when he thought he had a hernia. We took him to the hospital, he got his junk fondled...and discovered it was just a pulled muscle.
    I still giggle about it to this!

  6. I'm just going to vault this away for some time in the future "Blow your nose and nut the fuck up, bronco." <- reason 198465167946487 why I will never be in a committed relationship (unless we're talking nut house committed)

  7. Why do they do that??!! Mine closes himself off in the guest bedroom because he doesnt want to get anyone sick. He will sit back there for days and sleep back there. I have to bring him dinner, etc.

    When Im sick I still stay with the family not closing myself off for days and still deal with the kids. So far the kids havent caught my cold when I have had it.

    The best part is after the cold is over I have to go into the room and strip the bed linens to wash and clean the room.


  8. I like the "nut the fuck up, Bronco" line. I've used the "suck it up, Nancy" variant.

    I like how when HE gets sick, he yells at US about bringing germs home by not washing our hands enough.

    Colds knock him on his ass for days. Women don't have that luxury. Nothin gets done if we go down for the count.

  9. Um, well... I'm sick right now and I'm being a total baby. My hubs NEVER gets sick, but when he does, it ain't pretty. But he gets no sympathy from me since he gives me none when I'm sick. Jerk.

  10. Men are pussies! I had a c-section for my son and the day after I was released from the hospital, my sons father was sick as a dog. Here I am recovering from major surgery, with a newborn and this ass is whining on the couch.

  11. I am so on board the stfu train on this one JJ.. My life remains exactly the same wether I'm sick or not..but the minute the Mr. Is sick, the world ends... Thank God! He doesn't get sick often...I'd stab him...

  12. Good to know all men are the hubs recently had stomach pain - which he immediately self diagnosed as colon cancer. Of course he wouldn't go to the doctor, but laid in bed for days moaning. Finally, I called the doctor - which was what he was waiting for since apparently he was too "sick". The diagnosis - constipation and a food allergy. Now I get to go to the drug store and by all the "poopy/gassy" remedies because he is too cool to do so.

    On the bright side, I have lost 5 lbs on a gluten-free diet and I shit excellence after deciding to partake in a daily probiotic.

  13. I was thinking this was funny but then Mr. Snarky started getting a little sniffle-y and my entire world came crashing down around me! I told him sorry, the cat's sick and I can only baby one creature at a time - he's going to have to get in line.

  14. Hehe...nut the fuck up, bronco. That goes into heavy rotations right the fuck now.

    The Bentist knows better than to complain when he's sick. He knows I won't do anything about it. Maybe it's because we're both the oldest child, so we have that "I can handle this shit on my own" personality.

    I'll be sure to pay close attention next time he sniffles, just to see if I'm just immune to his attempts at gaining my sympathy.

  15. I literally just returned from the emergency room because my ovaries are fucking riddled with painful cysts and an asshole with sprained finger whined more than I did. I was sitting on those uncomfortable beds made of wooden planks, wearing the Johnny from hell, with my uterus falling out of my vagina, and I didn't squeak once. Bottom line, men are pussies! Pussies I tell you!

  16. @Nifer - the limping just made me snort!I do know a few little boys that are already exhibiting drama behaviors.

    @Dangrdafne - And that, is the truth.

    @Kerri - So sorry about your lady bits problems! I hope you feel better soon!


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