Thursday, July 14, 2011

I See You When I'm Sleeping

I've been battling a summer cold since July 4th and find myself up late at night not able to sleep because every time I lay down, I start coughing uncontrollably and it really makes me want to kill someone. I'm sure my husband thanks his lucky stars each morning when he wakes up to find I haven't murdered him in a fit of phlegmy rage. Last night at dinner, I wanted to stab myself in the throat with my butter knife just to try and ease the constant tickle.

I hope by "rage" they mean a cup of razor blades. That should take care of the tickle.

I really shouldn't complain. It's only at midnight when my husband isn't constantly asking me what I'm doing on the computer that I can peruse Twitter and read blogs uninterrupted. But I have to get up a 5am to walk a couple of needy hounds so needless to say, I need my fucking sleep. I've been like the walking dead the past week. I finally broke down and went to the doctor yesterday -- and for what? A case of gah-damn post nasal drip. FML. I did get some drugs that will hopefully help me sleep. I just hope these drugs don't give me more hallucinations.

Some people talk in their sleep, some snore, some sleep walk (I've done all of these, jftr) and since my early 20s, I sometimes hallucinate while I'm sleeping. At least I think I'm sleeping. I always remember it each time it happens. Like in vivid detail. But so different from a dream. I'm pretty sure I'm awake. Sort of.

This must be one of Jenny Jerkface's hallucinations.

Back when I had my first apartment, it started out as spiders. I would see them on the window blinds and I would sit straight up in bed and squint really hard to make sure of what I saw. If Mr. Latchkey woke up, he would totally play into it. He'd say "What do you see?" And I'd say "A spider. Don't you see it? It's huge!" And he's say "There's no spider, go back to sleep." And I'd lay back down and go back to sleep like nothing ever happened. The next morning I'd remember it as clear as day.

A few years later, there was a squirrel sitting on my dresser. Not really, it was just another hallucination, but I'm pretty sure he was just hanging out up there mocking me. Probably enjoying an acorn, chuckling at the crazy lady who bolts up in bed and stares at him. I wish I knew where he lived.

It's been a few years since I remember seeing shit in the dark -- but recently, there's been an onslaught of crazy stuff happening in my bedroom at night. And I don't mean the fun, naked crazy shit. I must wake up once a week to some shape on the ceiling or moving around my room. I'll even go so far as to quickly switch on the light just to make sure. The other night, I would've have sworn on a stack of bibles that there was a fucking cat walking around in my bedroom. I don't have a cat. Which is probably why I leaped out of bed and flipped on the hallway light and searched high and low for that elusive feline. I found nothing.

I better start keeping a spare key outside...

I find it odd that I never hallucinate about people. It's always some kind of animal. I almost wish it was a person -- they can't hide as easily as the critters. But not just any person. I don't want some big, hairy sasquatchy-type beast lurking in my bedroom. No thank you. I would, however, be really, really ok with some cold, hard, sparkly fellow showing up at the end of my bed. Preferably nekkid.

I long for the night when I hallucinate about this!

So what's the weirdest thing you've ever done in your sleep? Have you spilled secrets? Or walked down the street naked? Do you see Edward Cullen in your bedroom?


  1. I have had insomnia for about 20 years, and have been taking Ambien for about 15 years.

    I do the strangest things while on Ambien; make phone calls I don't remember, walk around the house attempting to clean, while my husband tries to get me back to bed, hide things in a "better" place so I won't lose them, and never find them again, but the thing that I find the most interesting, and kind of creepy, is having sex. Yes, I have sex, with my husband at least, and have little to no recollection the next day.

    It makes for some interesting conversations with the hubby.

    I also read and reply to blogs.

  2. Sorry you haz a sick, LKW.

    If I can put down the fan fiction long enough to sleep, I sleep like the dead. And if I dream, it is about Rob-ward. Always.

    Ain't nuthin' wrong with that!

  3. First and foremost, I too have had that annoying as fuck dry cough for 2-3 weeks. And much like you, I went to the Doctor feeling as though I was dying of some crazy lung disease only to discover it's irritation from post-nasal drip. Fabulous! I sympathize..ALOT!
    Hope it goes away soon!

    On the whole hallucination front...I tend to talk in my sleep sometimes. However Sarah (ES) always reminds me of this one time I hallucinated while we were staying at a friends beach house, I must have been in my early 20's. I remember it vividly too...I was sharing a bed with Sar and shot straight up and started trying to argue with her about "some videos"...and kept telling her "the videos! the videos!"...No clue why. DG also says I say random shit in the middle of the night, but so does he so it's not so bad ;)

    XOXO J

  4. Side note: It sounded like I said I had the dry cough now, I don't...I have had it in the past...

  5. I believe everyone is having a bad time with allergies/colds. Sorry LKW, feel better.

    I talk in my sleep, yelling at my kids, hubby, the dog. Sometimes I even wake myself up doing it. WTF?!
    I've slept walked when I was younger a few times.

    Maybe you are intuitive to things that are not there, like spirits? I mean like with the feeling somethings there?<---like that cat?
    I am not making fun, I get a feeling when I'm by myself & it's quiet. I just tell the WTF'ever to leave me alone!
    See we all are special. o.O

    @Twired Jen I behind you again!

  6. still looking for my vampJuly 14, 2011 at 11:57 PM

    The 2 strangest thing I ever did was when I was in college.

    Apparently, I totally walked in my sleep.

    The first one, I woke in the morning with my boyfriend, and my whole closet was strewn all around my room. I, of course, asked what the hell happened, and he said I got up in the middle of the night and started emptying my closet, tossing everything around. I asked him why he didn't stop me, and he said, "I tried. You pointed a hanger at me and told me if I fucked with you, you would stab me in the eyeball."

    We didn't date too much longer after that.

    The second thing, same apartment, my room mate caught me trying to get out the front door in the middle of the night in my boxers and t-shirt. Dead asleep. She said she just guided me back to the bedroom and told me to go back to bed. Apparently I liked her a lot more than my boyfriend because I didn't threaten bodily harm to her.

    Don't even get me started when my husband tried to take Ambien after our son was born. That shit is piss-pellets from Satan himself.

  7. I want to have that vision at the end of my bed too..... :)

  8. Huh, so these mists that I'm seeing at night and movement in my room might be a hallucination and not a ghost?! Damn, I was hoping my house was haunted. That would have been AWESOME!!!

  9. I've been sleepless for over a freakin' decade. It all started when I got engaged and went into perfect bride mode. I basically resocialized myself into a total spazz and the 14 hour sleepathons from my angsty teen years were over. I tried Ambien. That shit will fu^k you up. The first night I got up and put on some striped pants and a plaid shirt, grabbed a loaf of bread, fixed my hair, and Mr.Nif found me on the front porch trying to start the swing with my car keys bitching about being late to work.
    I tried Lunesta too. I got up and was trying to breastfeed the lamp in my 5 year old son's room. That one was videotaped. Mr.Nif is sort of a dick sometimes.

    Now I take melatonin supplements when it gets really bad. And the last time I had a cough and munged up nose I tried one of those netty pots, clear that shit up with a quickness!

  10. So what you are saying is you want to see dead people? Yep, I would love to wake up and and find Stalkerward hovering over me. Way better than a lurking cat...that shit is creepy LKW.

  11. You're not crazy, you're just a little unwell. (I love Rob Thomas.). Doctors are so helpful aren't they. WTH is causing the post nasal drip fucktard? Test for allergies. Not being able to sleep soundly when you are sick just drags the whole mess on.

    I used to have hallucinations like that all the time. It stopped when I had kids for some reason. Mine were always green glowing blobs hovering near the ceiling. I would swear I was wide awake too. It was pretty freaky. My son saw the same thing once but thankfully that was the last time.

  12. Sweetie, you may have tried this (please don't shoot me and put me in the freezer) but I recently learned that honey has been proven in trials to be more effective than many cough linctuses (lincti?) at soothing a tickly cough. Try a teaspoonful in a small amount of hot water.

    I hope this helps.... although can't help you with the hallucinations. Go a little easy on the E, perhaps? :-)

  13. I've woken up in the middle of the night and freaked out because I hallucinated that our bedroom was full of smoke. The hubs had to talk me out of it because I was pretty freaking convinced.

  14. I once tried to purchase a Volvo on eBay with my iPhone in my sleep. I apparently bid, realized I hadn't hit the reserve price, then BID AGAIN. I did need a new car but seriously, I didn't have $14K for the purchasing of a Volvo.

  15. A BIG GODDAMN HAIRY SPIDER walking by my head and E.T. Talking to me. E.T. not the spider. Seriously. Never really felt the same about that movie since....

    Feel better :)

  16. @Nifer: I just about choked on my popcorn reading your post, OMG, that was hilarious!!
    Thankfully I have never had problems sleeping, though I have been told I talk in my sleep, but I would happily take some hallucinations of the Robward kind....

  17. My night time hallucinations are fairly famous in my family. The weirdest one this year yet?
    A row of snow blowers (about 5 to be exact) sitting in front of the bed. I sat up and yelled "why are these all up here?!"
    Mr. Cat now just gets pissed off at me and tells me to go back to sleep.

  18. How in the hell did you catch my cold clear over there in Maine? I came down with it July 1. 2 weeks later and 3 days into the antibiotics and I am still going through kleenex like I own their stock. And at night... the cough.

    Summer colds suck.

  19. Cullenary Curser (way too fucking lazy to sign in to her blogger accnt)July 16, 2011 at 9:23 AM

    Mr CC is more of a night owl then I am, so often he'll come to bed later then me. We've apparently had entire coherent conversations while I was 100% asleep. I don't remember a damn thing the next day. Nada.

  20. When I was in my early twenties I had an unfortunate bout of night terrors. They consisted of these shadowy figures creeping around the walls and ceiling as I lay frozen in my bed and they would try to steal my breath. All the while, they were controlled by a very old man who would stand in the corner, all wrinkly and quiet and wearing a fucking bowler hat. It was awful.

    And if I have that dream tonight, I'm fucking driving up to Maine and kicking your ass, LKW.

  21. I woke up last night hysterically crying. Weird.

  22. Since my early 20s, I hallucinate on a very regular basis. It happens so much that I'm rarely scared anymore. It's very real and hard to explain to someone who doesn't experience it. My brother, sister and mom all have nighttime hallucinations, as well. I "see" and can even interact with objects, animals and sometimes people. It's very different from dreaming and I always remember my hallucinations.
    I feel like I just exposed my "crazy", but I guess this would be the place to do it.

  23. I apparently talk in my sleep. I have had conversations that sounded like I was awake but I am not and don't remember them at all.


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