Friday, July 29, 2011

Renesmee, Your Name is Just the First Thing Wrong With You

I'm going to apologize ahead of time for this post being all over the place. I've had a day. Well, a fairly typical day for me. I had to run a sick kid to the doctor, had a mild stroke while I waited for labs to tell me my son had a cold and not one of the three life-threatening illnesses being passed around, witnessed someone puking at the Wal-Mart in my checkout line, had to get near strip searched because said Wal-Mart's security sensors were on the fritz and then still had to go to work to deal with the usual month-end madness.

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment because I feel the need to discuss a disturbing topic: Renesmee. DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE YOUR BROWSER NOW! We are all in this together. Just as a review, let's go over the basic Renesmee story again. An old vampire man injects his baby batter into a barely legal girl and creates a demon spawn in utero. Aforementioned barely legal girl has a gestation period roughly the length of the Virginian opossum (I Googled that shit), dies, and has her demon opossum offspring chewed out of her titanium-like womb. The only sane conclusion to this mayhem is to have a wolf declare his undying love to the marsupial hellion minutes after her gory entrance into the world. Did I mention she drinks blood? It's like a fairy tale! Er, a fairy tale snorting blow off a hobo's ass crack in a dark alley. If all of that isn't bad enough, her necrophiliac parents named her Renesmee Carlie after four of the things they loved most in the world. My next child will be named SaksVodkaNordstromSkittles.

This is pure brilliance.

Now that we're all caught up on this gem of a character, let's discuss how we can all process this trauma and begin to heal. Some use their creativity as an outlet. This is not always advisable. Not everyone can be as talented as I am.

This took almost fifteen entire seconds of my life.

Here are some other manifestations:

Flapper Renesmee: She'll make you dance your heart out. No seriously, she wants your heart.

Dominatrix Eloise Renesmee: She's so cute you almost don't mind her shrill "Run, bitch, run!" screams.

Just when you thought "Toddlers & Tiaras" couldn't go any lower.

I feel like I need to tell a teacher or trusted adult about this picture.

Teen Wolf: You're doing it wrong.

Those damn Brits don't know how to carry an American football or a baby. Wrap her up!

OMG, it's one of those creepy life-like dolls that stars in my nightmares! I am so freaked out by these.

Stop. This makes the doll look normal by comparison.

Eyes-Too-Close-Together Renesmee: She's sampling your blood while you sleep.

I think I have a whole new bag of issues to deal with now. I have to commend her on her dedication, though. I can't put more than five minutes into creating a costume.

OMG, it's that damn doll again! Why is she about to crush my larynx with a karate chop?

And the piece de resistance...

WHO THE FUCK MADE A DOLL OUT OF MY BABY WITH RPATTZ? I feel violated. This will not stand. Check it out though — she brought her own lunch!

Let's huddle up and talk this out in the comments. I think I need to double up on my therapy before the movie comes out.



    I can't choose which demon child is my favorite! It's the Renesmee version of Sophie's Choice.

    I demand this post go into the best of Twitarded now.

  2. At least now I know what I am dressing up as this Halloween. And Mr. Snarky can go as "I-just-ripped-our-kid-from-your-WombWard" - perfect!!!

  3. Again dying of laughter... seriously those lifelike dolls are creeptastic. I'm afraid one is going to be standing at the end of my bed in the middle of the night.

    Also does that one have a 5:00 shadow?! Dude these make your baby with Rpattz look like super models. And btw that pic of Alice holding Renesmee killed me... mainly the comment.

  4. There should be a warning on this post...I am going to have nightmares now. That ventriloquist one is just too that for sale on Etsy?

    I wonder if Stephenie regrets the name Renesmee yet? I think after this movie come out she just might.

    Brilliant post TK....just brilliant. I feel the sudden urge to go hug my completely normal, though slightly insane, children now.

  5. SaksVodkaNordstromSkittles.

    TK you kill me! Again with the funny post about *that* child.

    This site never fails to amuse me.

  6. Much as I never could wrap my mind around the crazy that spawned Renesmee, I love every post on Twitarded that tries to make sense of it. Owing to the madness known as BD, the term "wombat" has an entirely different connotation for me now. Ick.

    While I'm not entirely looking forward to the movie, I am grimly curious as to how the hell sharkboy will pull off falling in love with a baby. Hah! That said, the Dominatrix Eloise image and caption was perfect, lol!

    TK, you so totally rawk.

  7. THIS----------> "I-just-ripped-our-kid-from-your-WombWard" WAS HILARIOUS! LMFAO STY!


    That first video had me in tears.."hey bebe!" OMG, and that Halloween constume, PRICELESS! Why didn't I think of that shit?! Funniest post in a while.

    PS why did someone puke in the check out line? I could understand if it was a prego woman...but didn't you feel sick before you went in to Walmart? Why risk that shit. I may or may not have a rabid fear of public puking.

    xo J

  8. Didn't mean to say YOU, meant to say "Didn't THEY feel sick"

  9. The dolls are effing scary! Who would buy such an ugly thing?? But I kind of like the drawing with Renesmee and Jacob... (And now all of you Team Edwards' out there will probably hunt me down...) But I would be happy if I could draw like that!

    Mixing together the names of the (grand)parents is never a very good idea. Me and my boyfriend laught our asses off when I suggested we'd have a baby named Ragnalena Steffbjörn after our parents. That isn't a very pretty name.... Haha Pooooor baby!!

  10. Sooo glad I read this in the morning and not before bed. Oh my that doll is terrifying. I look forward to see how this will all be handled. It see lively discussions in our future :) Should be fun

  11. So! FUCKING FUNNY!!! How did you know I started moving the cursor to the little X when I realized what we were talking about?! Of course I listened...And stayed. And laughed my ass off. It's amazing what you can learn/find through a google search.

    I'm with you Daf! SO glad I read this in the morning. It's bad enough that I wanted to watch a scary movie before bed last night...If I had peeked over here after the movie and before sleep, I would have needed Prince Valium to come carry me away!

  12. Girl please! Quit your job and become a book reviewer. You have such a great talent for summation. I may have to memorize this for when someone asks what Breaking Dawn is about. Baby batter...LOL

    I guess if I named my next child for my 4 most loved things in the world, he'd be SexRPattzMerlotChocolate.

    Stephanie chose Renesmee Carlie because Belward Rosemett Jaspice just sounded dumb.

    Again, the pictures and the captions are hilarious. You are one funny bitch.

  13. 2 things that made me laugh OUT LOUD.
    1) your next child's name. Mine will be chocolatecakebeerpizza.
    2) the 'tell a teacher or trusted adult' picture - bwahahahahaha.

    The whole thing just sucks. I cannot imagine how they are going to show 'the imprinting' in the movie.

  14. Why does the morphed picture look like Alicia Silverstone?

    Also I've seen a ton of public pukings this year. Not all in places where I've been surrounded by drunks either, though New Years Eve was a banner night. Bank drive thru was my favorite.

  15. I feel for TayTay.. really I do... he gets enough flack for his pearly whites and scowly scrunched up face.
    Now he has to look lovingly like a sex offender at a baby? this was so many kinds of wrong in the book.

    And the picture 'Tell a teacher or trusted adult'.... is that supposed to be Jake in one of Alice's off the shoulder tops? He has enough trouble with his clothes....

    Next child's name.... BeerChocoPattzCake.... not in that order....

    Great post! Only you can make me bear through a discussion of the demon spawn!

  16. I think we need to make a t-shirt slogan with your description of BD. That was beyond brilliant and totally accurate.

    TK - you are the master of captions. Truly.

  17. When I opened this, I was thinking, "what brought this on?" Now I get it. You gotta love dominatrix Renesmee, though.

  18. PMSL!! Great post TK! And yeah, I've always thought those dolls were creepy. Eeeewwww....

  19. @STY - if you do that for Halloween we demand pictures!

  20. OMFG!!! The MorphThing dot com photo had me dying, I tell you!

    And those crazy-ass dolls? I mean, who BUYS this shit? *looks around nervously hoping that none of the Twitards here have secret doll-buying tendencies*

    Fantastic post, as always! Oh, and sorry you had such a craptastic day...

    CC x

  21. All I can say is I'm horrified all over again. Thanks a lot! LOL!

    She is, without a doubt, the most macarbe pregnency EVER! Stephenie Myers scores high on a Steven King level for twisted fucking plots, but when I first read it my innocent eyes bugged out and I was left with a WHAAAA look on my face for an entire week!

    But you know what? Between you and me... I have a sick excitment to see it played out on the big screen.

  22. SaksVodkaNordstromSkittles! HHAHAHAHAHA! But shouldn't it be more like Sakdka Nordkittles? ;-)

    I hate dolls. That is all.

  23. Ok, so apparently I've been living under a rock next to the Geico caveman and I've just discovered the awesomeness of this blog... I've just spent the last three hours or so reading your entries, comments and feeling happy that there are other people out there who love/hate the same things as I do. Now I feel I can pop my comment cherry and post.

    My mother had a thing for dolls. They reside in curio cabinets so I feel a little better they are behind glass. A few years back for some sort of birthday or Christmas gift, my sister finds some woman to make a doll that looks like a younger version of herself from one of her baby pictures. It's creepy. It was then someone's brilliant idea to put the doll version of my sister on a small rocking chair in front of one of the three or so curio cabinets filled with dolls in the living room of my parent's home. When I go there to visit, I swear I can see the doll rocking out of the corner of my eye. Yikes.

    I feel better now that I shared that little tidbit.

    Sidenote: You guys are awesome. I'm hooked. =D

  24. Beautiful all pics and really great posting . I think unique this post i love it

  25. Ya know, I first read this post at work yesterday and still catching up on things. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to stop from laughing too loud! I failed miserably. Too fucking funny! Still ROTFLMFAO!

  26. "Some use their creativity as an outlet. This is not always advisable. Not everyone can be as talented as I am."

    Laughing. So. Hard. I. Can't. Think. Straight.

  27. What a creepy pictures! I feel like I wanna throw up.

  28. Renesmee cullen was in my nightmare last night, and to make matters worsts she tried to get to me. Even the renesmee dolls made me cringe with disgust...


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