Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Game of Thrones...Diet?

I've more or less been completely consumed by the Game of Thrones series these past few weeks. Any free moment I have is spent with my face buried in one of the books (I'm up to book three at this point). Much to ML's dismay, not only am I essentially ignoring him this entire time, I've also taken to peppering my conversations with old-timey sayings that I've picked up from the series.

I bow down to you, Your Grace Game of Thrones. You can have my maidenhead. Well, no, not really...

ML: Don't forget we have a baseball game to go to this weekend.
Me: I mislike those sorts of tourneys, ser. They make me wroth.
ML: {shakes head, sighs loudly and walks away}

Since I am not coordinated enough to do "Ab-kicking Boot Camp That Will Makes Your Calves Cramp and Your Back Hurt" exercise DVD and read at the same time, the exercising has been pushed to the back burner. Honestly, exercising is pushed to the back burner if I have gas or feel even remotely "not-exercise-y" (which is pretty much 24/7) so there's that.

I'm soooo sad my clothes don't fit... so I left them draped over my exercise bike...

That being said, I got this great idea the other day that, since I'm not working out, I should diet. And since the author of GoT seemed to enjoy detailing every mother fucking feast and forage in the book, I've decided I'm going to do a Game of Thrones Diet.

I'm going to only eat food that feasibly would have been available during the medieval era (yes, I know the books are fantasy, work with me here.) - and I'm pretty sure there was no McDonald's, or Green Goddess dressing mentioned in the book. I'll eat only simple meals with meat and vegetables and minimal extras, like stuff that would actually make the food taste good.

 This, essentially. With a little salt, mayhaps.

Even I can see the gaping holes in the plan. In fact, there are so many arguments to my awesome logic that it would probably take another post to list them all. It's folly I say! Pure, folly, ser!

Whatever.

There will be some deviations from the book, of course - no fucking way am I eating horsemeat, rotten food or my fellow soldiers. Also, there is a lot of mention of "oats" and "gruel", which suspiciously sounds like oatmeal to me so fuck that, not eating it.

 Oh look! A bowl of warm vomit. It looks just like what I puked on the floor searching for this picture.

For my first meal, I decided I was going to grill a turkey leg and boil some corn. Since ML freaked the fuck out when I asked if I could dig a fire pit in the backyard (apparently it's not neighborly and possibly illegal), I made do with grilling the leg on the grill.

 Meeeeeeat. Also, this doesn't do the size of this fucking leg justice. That mother was huge.

I only sprinkled a little salt and pepper on the turkey (okay, and some garlic. I'm assuming if they had sorcery in GoT, they had to have garlic) and then dry-heaved repeatedly as I rubbed the spices into the turkey leg because touching raw meat is a traumatizing experience for me.

Clearly, I make an awful peasant.

Next, I shucked a couple ears of corn and cut out any pieces that looked funky - no rotten food, remember? Then I chucked them in a pot of boiling water.

 Tofu and veggie burgers were also repeatedly mentioned in the Game of Thrones...

Forty five minutes later, my first Game of Thrones Diet meal was ready to go!!

ML and I sat down at our dining room table (which actually looks medieval-y, in my opinion...bonus!) and began to eat - him his vegetarian sandwich with yummy cheeses and sauces and tomatoes and jalepenos and me with my... leg.

Not bad, right?

 That corn may have already been devoured by Wildlings. Either that or I suck at timing when I cook.

Wrong.

There was one small issue that I hadn't taken into consideration when I decided to go on my own Game of Thrones diet (besides the glaringly obvious). I'm a really picky eater. As I strategically attacked my food--much like a knight fighting to hold his castle against invading forces--my vegetarian boyfriend watched in disgusted horror as I viciously picked apart the turkey leg like the goddamn peasant I was pretending to be and intently studied every little morsel before putting it into my mouth. And occasionally spitting it back out. Because at the end of the day, I'm not a peasant living in the GoT-land. I'm a thirty-three year old chick with some really bizarre eating hang-ups.

Where's the chocolate cake, mother fuckers?

28 comments:

  1. Well. You're thinking about exercising and dieting, so . . . there's that.

    I must confess, I ate two quarts of ice cream from a local creamery this weekend. I felt pretty miserable afterwards, but mmmmmmm! It sure was good going down!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This series is next on my list of must reads...can't wait!
    Also, dieting sucks!

    ReplyDelete
  3. lol! i think the problem is you're missing the meade. "meat and meade" for our esteemed guest! maybe if you drink enough of it, you don't care about eating tendons and vessels.

    I'm almost thru the 1st book.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You do realize people in that time period barely lived to be your age? The human body needs chocolate. And candy. And leech-free healthcare.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Reading this series right now and I find it terribly difficult to not interject "old timey" language into what I am saying/writing.

    As a diet, don't forget the fruit tarts, lemon cakes, and pies. I also think the lack or riding a horse for hours, battling with Others, and general "crap I have to stay alive" might back fire a bit in this diet.

    Love the books and right now kind of annoyed that I need to write a work report instead of reading my book.

    ReplyDelete
  6. huh - maybe it's for the best that you and ML don't watch each other eat that often??? i think you need to pretend you are a fancy wench who ate only boneless meat...

    ReplyDelete
  7. @fragile Little Human @LadyJD and the others that for some reason are not showing up in my comments - We must speak. I NEED to discuss this shit with someone. Please to be hurrying and reading up to book 3 because I am DYING!!

    @TexasKatherine - What part of "gaping holes in my plan" did you not understand?? You surprise me, ser. I thought it would be Lady (I use that derisively) Latchkey Wife that would gleefully spell out all the, ahem, issues of my diet. I forsaketh both of you.

    And I'm off to read the last 50 pages of the third book. And eat some pine nuts. Because those are GoTDiet approved.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So I'm sitting in the Anchorage, Alaska airport waiting for my flight to take me down to the Lower 48, and I decide to catch up on my Twitarded since I haven't had the interwebs for the past week. You do NOT disappoint lol! I'm currently in the middle of book 2 of GoT and I just downloaded book 3 (I have a loooooong ass flight back down to MA so I plan on planting my face in the books and getting some serious reading done!) Good luck with the diet! :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. @ JJ - Get LKW to send you some venison! That would be authentic.

    I've actually had some pretty decent medieval food from the SCA cooks. They do a lot of pie baking - mushroom for your vegetarian and assorted meat pies.

    Find a series to read from the 18th century and I can flood you with lots of yummy recipes. Better food, too.

    ReplyDelete
  10. They sell turkey legs at our local Renaissance Festival, and they SMELL divine...I just can't handle all the dark meat and whatever the hell those bony things are that are hard and not fun and kinda gross. I'm a white meat eating sparkly vamp lover, not a dark meat wolf girl. ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yay, I'm not the only person that has issues with fat/tendons/veins, ect! I'll eat a big variety of food, but that junk is pure nastiness. My family and friends think I'm crazy for spending so much time picking through my meat. But I LOVE me some meat, so it's worth it!

    ReplyDelete
  12. How about trying a Game of Thrones excersize plan. Only travel the way they travel (which will probaly limit you to only walking since horses are probably up there with open pit fires) or using only equipment they would use. Would your neighbors be opposed to sword play in the yard?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank Gawd you didn't have this idea when you were reading Twilight. Think about it. I'm pretty sure that would have been frowned upon.

    ReplyDelete
  14. lol I can totally picture ML's face while you are gnawing on that bone. My face would mirror his exactly! Veggies FTW.

    Game of Thrones is awesome, haven't read the books, but loved the series. I plan to read the books, one day... when I have the time. Pssht. Like that's gonna happen. I'm currently reading a book I bought in May... I'm that behind on my reading.

    Currently eating chocolate, btw. Dark, luscious chocolate.

    vw: bersta- Hope you didn't bersta chicken vein while eating that meat. *gag* lol That totally happened to me in my ante-vegetarian years.

    ReplyDelete
  15. @JJ - You want to borrow my horse? Although she might buck you off if you start swinging a sword around. LOL! I bet in the GoT world they ate...uh...Stew...YEAH!! With bread. That's all I got I think. You are definitley making me want to read these books now. I guess I'll have to go buy them.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Okaaaaay. Totally just got the 4 book set on Amazon for $21.00! YAHOOOOOOO!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Argh!! JJ! You're ahead of me. I just finished book 1 and started book 2. My husband is on the 5th book but I told him no need to rush. God knows when the author will release the last two novels-could be five years from now. LOVE GAME OF THRONES!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. LMAO @ Jamie! True, so true.

    Oh JJ, you are so delightfully odd. Where you come up with these ideas, I'll never know. ML must never have a dull day with you around (and I mean that lovingly).

    I guess I really do need to read this series. Several RL friends AND you guys have rec'd it. It can collect dust on my nightstand until the five-hour flight (each way) that I will be taking in *checks calendar* 37 days!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Urg Arg - my best medievial sounds for "I will not eat that".

    I too am a picky eater and have sooo many weird eating habits that I can't believe I exist sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm obsessed with A Song of Ice and Fire series as well. Fan-fucking-tastic. George R.R. Martin is an evil genius. He takes a while to release the books because they're actually quality. Neil Gaiman wrote an awesome blog post to readers getting fired up about how he's doing other things besides sitting there, writing more of these books. The underlying message was "George R.R. Martin is not your bitch." 'Twas awesome. Also, the collective you should check out Gaiman's books, too, if you haven't yet. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. If this diet includes some nibbles on the (of age) Stark brothers you can sign me up!

    @JJ--I can totally hear you talking GoT speak to ML and it is cracking me the fuck up!

    ReplyDelete
  22. GoT is amazing..since Spartacus and SoA arent yet on, I have delved into this one..Thou seemest to liketh ..I have not read the books however..have you been doing both?? Carry on good wench..

    ReplyDelete
  23. *is a complete dork for being most amused that your medieval diet was turkey and corn, both of which are native to America and nowhere near an olde peasants table. Potatoes and peanuts are also right out ;-)* Check out recipes for pottage. You can make it not suck, and you will drop weight.

    ReplyDelete
  24. @Lila - I thought about the whole "ride around on horses killing people with gigantic (and assumingly extremely heavy) swords but sadly, I'm allergic to horses.

    @Kitty Elvis - I didn't realize he took so long to release the books or I would have probably drawn it out more. {shrugs} I'm sure I can find other, ahem, obsessions until the sixth one comes out.

    @Tudorwench - LOL! Like I said, there are definitely some glaring holes in my plan. And pottage?? I will check this out, my good lady.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I just...I don't have time to read! I'll def keep this shit on the list, but hell, I have to get married in 17 days. I have to stress and freak out over every little fucking thing in my life, THEN we can talk about books.

    And turkey legs. Turkey legs are delish, but I think they're more of a meal for two. Fuckers are huge.

    ReplyDelete
  26. @jenny jerkface. Would love to talk GoT. Just downloaded book 3. I read the reviews on amazon and noticed it is 1216 pages. WOWZA, I have a lot of book to read.

    I love reading a good book series, but hate it when I don't know anyone that has read said book that totally consumes every waking moment.

    Also on a fantasy/middle ages kind of theme, I would highly recommend reading Graceling and Fire by Kristen Cashore. Let me know if you want to chatty chat chat via email.
    -LadyJD

    ReplyDelete
  27. um so yeah I guess I have a google ID...Encyclopedia I is also Lady JD

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!