Wednesday, August 10, 2011

How Can You Not Be Team Edward OR Team Jacob?

In my day-to-day dealings with the real world, I rarely come in contact with Twilight fans. But when I do, I have a hard time hiding my excitement. I've already told you guys about my relatively new coworker who has a thing for Robert Pattinson. Those waters have been tested and the jury is still out on what level of RPattz-loving freakiness I can unleash on this poor girl. We did have a good laugh about Jacob's tiny nipples today though...fun times.

I like mine cooler... and with manlier nipples.

The other day a former coworker (who is covering a maternity leave) came into my office and commented that she liked my FSE. The following very confusing conversation followed:

Coworker: "I like your cardboard standee."

Me: (with a big grin on my face) "Thanks! Do you know Edward?"

CW: "Yes, I'm halfway through the fourth book right now."

Me: "Don't you think Edward is sooooo dreamy?"

CW: "No, not really."

Me: (after quelling the urge to stab her with my pencil) "Oh so I guess you more of the Team Jacob type?"

CW: "No."

Me: (blank stare) "So you're not Team Edward OR Jacob? How the fuck are you even getting through the books?"

CW: "I make up my own fantasies."

Wha? Wha? WHAAAAT? I'm so confused. I mean I know there are some of you out there who prefer Jasper or Emmett or Carlisle, but she didn't indicate one other character in the book that made her all swoony inside. I felt like I was being punked. I half expected Ashton Kutcher to burst into my office at any moment.

This is me. Except showered. And without the funny hat. 

All I know is that I sat there at my desk sort of shell-shocked. I honestly can't think of anyone I know that isn't a solid member of at least ONE of the two major teams. Or maybe I've just blocked out any knowledge of non-team members. I just can't handle it.

You know this is how I roll...

So what? Am I just blind to those who aren't into Edward OR Jacob? Are there actually some of you out there that don't care for either? I need to know...crush my rose-colored Twilight glasses under your heel and spill your sordid secrets in comments. I wanna know what team you ARE on!

53 comments:

  1. My son hates them both, but I don't think that counts.

    Other than that, I don't know anyone who knows the story who doesn't belong to a team.

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  2. I'm throwing off my lurker status to answer! I'm solidly on the team of the one who currently has his shirt off. If they both have their shirts off, I wanna be the meat in that sandwich!

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  3. LMAO @Heather mmMMMmmm meat sandwich. I have always been Team Edward...always will be.

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  4. What? Everyone has an opinion on this. I mean no chick I know would kick either of these sexsticks out of their bed on a cold, hot, rainy, any-day-that-ends-in-Y night.
    Even if they prefer to play on another team, they have a preference when it comes to Edward and Jacob.
    If her imagination is better than the mancandy SM bestowed upon us, why isn't she writing this shit down and sharing it with the rest of us?
    I call BS!

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  5. Did she actually read the fuckin books? I want some of what she is smokin!Team Edward all the way, baby!

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  6. Is it possible LKW's coworker is...
    Team Bella?

    I could stare at the Prehtay's face forever, and this is my team,and yet....Has anyone ever noticed Emmett's chest when he's standing in the water during the growling confrontation with wolf-Paul in Eclipse?
    I feel guilty just thinking about it, but sometimes I can't stop.

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  7. yes, yes, yes! And also, since we're having confessions, Jasper twirling the baseball bat TOTALLY does it for me. I don't know why. I don't really care. I just want him to keep doing it!

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  8. Wait, hold the phone. Do you have a FSE... at work?!?!!

    Are you sure she's not Team Charlie's Mustache or Team Mike Newton? Might wanna check..

    And a pirate picture on Twitarded?! FTW!!!

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  9. Ha, I find that quite odd that she isn't on SOME team! Did she not see the movies??

    Team Edward all the way over here! Nothing would ever change that.. unless Bradley Cooper made his way into the next movie somehow. Bradley is just nom-nom-nom. =P

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  10. @Heather - AGREED!!!! I met Jackson at a signing after a 100 Monkeys show. He is dazzling.

    I'm Team Edward all the way but wouldn't kick Carlisle or Jasper out of bed for eating crackers. ;)
    Hell, throw Alice in too.

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  11. My best friend had an odd obsession with Taylor's nipples when I forced the 3 movies on him. He also was obsessed with Edward's eyebrows and as I now will always refer to him "Gaysain".

    I'm Team Edward all the way, but have a soft spot for Emmett. Jacob just seemed like a tool in the books, damn Taylor for making me not hate him as much.

    I'm with Jaymes on the pirate pic!! But everyone knows that Michael Bolton is the REAL Jack Sparrow.

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  12. I forced my to-be sister-in-law to read the series because I was so obsessed and she doesn't like Edward or Jacob and is more Team Bella. I was floored! I am all for girl power and feminism, but how could you not want a little piece of Edward!!!

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  13. I'm simply under the impression that everyone is on one team or another. They have to be, unless their lebido suffered some cataclismic accident in which they can never recover. It's impossible not to read the books or watch Robward and NOT get all hot and bothered. If these people remain indifferent then I have to agree with getinthecar, maybe their team Bella.

    Everyone yell like their drunk... WHOOOO, TEAM ROBWARD, WHOOOHOOO!!!!!

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  14. She's not even done with the 4th book. If she's as fast a reader as I am that means she's only a few days old. Give her some time to process this shit.

    A few days after finishing it she'll be thinking about it non stop and will probably go and watch the movies and will have better answers (and hopefully will write down some of her ideas like @Nifer mentioned... and she'll be addicted to fanfic in no-time-flat).

    Book/cannon I'm team Edward all the way. Then again I actually did marry a friend and it turned out horribly and would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS consider it a viable option for even my worst enemy so I never even considered Jacob an option until I started reading about team Jacob... and I still don't get it, but whatever.

    I'm with @Heather and Jasper with the baseball bat... YUM! And I'm with @getinthecar with Emmett growling. The movies have changed my perspective on some of the characters... including Jacob. I still don't think he's a real option, but I do like him better.

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  15. Team Edward. Always have been, always fucking will be. Jacob just pissed me off in the books.

    Wouldn't say no to Jasper though. Mmm, bat twirling... Even with the muppet wig, that's pretty hot. And don't forget the civil war uniform! Yum.

    I know some people are on both teams *cough*whores*cough* but how can you be on neither?!

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  16. When I 1st read the books, TEAM EDWARD...32nd reading of books, TEAM EDWARD...1st viewing of movies, TEAM RobWARD...last nite's viewing of movie (it was New Moon's turn-I refuse to disclose that I watch one of the movies or fave bits thereof every nite on the grounds someone may institutionalize me), and it's still Robward-any other choice is absurd to me...he has me forever. by the way, very impressed with your restraint on not attacking with the pencil, I would have expected more violence from you especially given the extreme provocation...good for you!

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  17. TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD
    TEAM EDWARD

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  18. I refuse to accept this. She has a team. She's just not telling you. She must be Team Eric, or something weird. Keep on her. She'll crack.

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  19. I am just as confused as you are LKW. ....but be prepared to be more confused. I am Team Edward. my favorite book is New Moon. My favorite parts in Eclipse are about the dogs (snicker). I prefer the story line of the pups, but would never take any of them to my bed, that would feel like pedeophilia to me. (that's what my husband says about Jacob and Renesme)

    For those people who think Team Bella, I just don't see it. She is one super whiney bee-otch.

    If she still stays on the fence then maybe some good old fifty is what she needs to read!!! or maybe some professor mason!!!!

    A fanfic intervention or introduction might be required in her case. Good Luck

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  20. @robbie Yessssss! I watched Eclipse five times, Twilight once, and New Moon three times since last Friday.

    TEAM ROBWARD!

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  21. I agree with every single one of the above posts.

    @red_bella, could you please try to make your point more clearly next time, thanks.

    I call BS, too. Why bother reading all four of these encyclopedia sized books if you aren't even fantasizing about Being with Edward or Jacob?

    Bitch be trippin. Don't waste your time on her.

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  22. I agree with Lila. First of all she's half way through the 4th book.
    Is this her FIRST time reading the books? Most people declare their "team" during the baffling time of multiple (hem) readings, nights of not sleeping (as your up until 4 am reading the books over and over)
    Does the newbie even know about MS? FF? Gah, if she meets Fifty or Masen - its over. Does she know that?

    Recently, I have a co-worker that mentioned to me that she saw photos that could have come from the honeymoon ( Gasp!!) and she wanted to talk to me about it. (she hasnt read the books...) I told her that "you cannot talk to about this stuff as you are so far behind, its not even funny. Those pictures are from March. Get the audio books and read the story, then we can talk."

    I found out another co-worker, loves the movies and has not read the books....so last night I was a t the library for a meeting , and there was a used book sale....there was a copy of Breaking Dawn....Yeah, I did. There's another sale on the 21st I might find the other books and give to her.
    Im not loaning my copies.

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  23. I am 100% Team Edward. But... I did have a guy friend who read them and said he was Team Charlie all the way. I always thought he was joking...

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  24. STAY THE F**K AWAY FROM THEM!!!! THEY ARE POD PEOPLE !!!!

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  25. If were talking durty, pervy,I wanna do naughty naughty things to you, then yes I am team headwoard...but I do love Jacob too...just not in a I wanna fuck you seven ways till Sunday kinda way...but give him a few more years to man up....he's going to be a hottie for sure. So yeah ..TEAM EDWARD....or HEADWOARD.

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  26. I have been Team Edward since he first appeared in Twilight (the book). When he left in New Moon I actually threw the book at a wall, waited 5 minutes, went over & picked it up, then proceded to read the end of the book to make sure his sparkly ass was coming back. I am a total cheater if a book pisses me off.

    Also I am a big fan of every Cullen male in the movies, Taylor (even if he is too young for me), and a couple of his packmates. I also really thought Reily was hottie too. :-) But if asked I am totally TEAM EDWARD!!!

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  27. I am what is commonly referred to in my household as 'Team Cullen'. Meaning, they are all so damn hot, how can you choose just one? I mean, Emmett (movie) in 'Eclipse' being all flirty with Bella, calling her punching Jacob, 'badass' makes me melt for whatever reason. Jacob needs to grow up a little bit, but when he gets there, I wouldn't mind showing him a thing or three :-)

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  28. Maybe there's a miscommunication and she's reading some other blackmarket-knockoff Twilight series.?? The only reason one keeps reading after the first book is because your vagina has chosen a team. I'm agreeing with the majority; she's team changrin I mean Bella.

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  29. My twin sister was the same way - she read the books (because I am the alpha twin and made her - She refused to read Harry Potter and settled for Twilight because there were only 4 books), but she swore that she didn't have a favorite Twi-Guy.

    I was devastated. We shared a womb and a room until I went away to college, but evidently we don't share the same passion for Twilight.

    When I finally got her in person at a family holiday and my aunts, mom, cousins and I were having a long debate of Team Edward vs. Team Jacob she cracked and chose Team Emmett.

    I am currently trying to get her to read the Hunger Games - wish me luck!!!!

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  30. Oh, I'm Team Edward & I don't understand how anyone who has read the books could possibly be Team Jacob.....SPOILER.....HE ENDS UP WITH THEIR DAUGHTER!!!! Ick!
    Most folks I meet who are TJ are that way because of the movies.
    I do however appreciate some shirtless Jacob & that first pic reminded me of why I would like to be the creamy center of an Edward/Jacob cookie....hmmmmmmm.

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  31. Well fuck me, I thought I already added my two cents here - lol...

    What @Red Bella said.

    That is all.

    Oh and your coworker is weird.

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  32. Mamalicious CullenAugust 11, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    Ummmm...TEAM EDWARD..... If for no other reason than HE GETS THE GIRL!!! I never really understood why Team Jacob was even an option. Robward is fuckhawt and that's really the only reason I need ;)

    Kristen (@kvotz)

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  33. Hubs is Team Alice. Yes, he's read them all including Midnight Sun. I am completely and irrevocably Team Edward. The end.

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  34. I am Team Edward if asked to choose between the Cold One or the Hot One, but I am with Amers425....I like em all, and would gladly let any of them park their boots under my bed:) And oh yeah, Jacksper and his baseball bat featured prominently in a few super-naughty fantasies of mine....

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  35. I actually work with someone who prefers James. But she always had a thing for bad boys.

    Hard to imagine someone not having any team at all. Even my husband is Team Alice.

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  36. I still want to know exactly what her fantasies are that she doesn't need to pick a team. Is she Team Ultimate Gangbang and just doesn't want to admit it?

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  37. Edward. It's always been Edward for me.
    If you read the books and enjoy them....and don't have a "team", then you are either NOT getting it or possibly named Charlie Bewley who insists he is Team Cottage Pie.... figure that one out. LOL!

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  38. Update on my coworker...

    So I went in to her office to ask if she had seen the movies thinking maybe she hadn't been introduced to Edward Cullen in the icy cold flesh. I mean if you were on the Team Ed fence in the books, how could you not be pushed over the edge by RPattz? She HAS seen the movies! And she also confessed that through the books she does like Edward the most. I think she's just not attracted to either Rob or Taylor and therefore doesn't think she's a part of a particular Team. Weirdo.

    I'm still perplexed.

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  39. @LKW - Your co-worker is now probably thinking to herself "Why did I even mention Twilight to this chick? She obviously one of THOSE PEOPLE" HAHAHAHA! Cheers!

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  40. Latchkey....She is obviously Team lying whore......EVERYONE has a team. E-V-E-R-Y 1. My cat is even Team Edward...sshhhhheesh. I will always be team Edward...4-ever.

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  41. @casch STAY THE F**K AWAY FROM THEM!!!! THEY ARE POD PEOPLE !!!! Fuck yeah!

    @Amers425 I think you're probably right. Anytime someone notices my pictures of Edward in my cubicle (hidden between pics of my family), I get all excited and ask if they've read the books, seen the movies, been to the midnight shows blah blah blah & they just give me a fake smile and walk away.

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  42. A contractor came in to fix something in my office the other day. He was there several years ago also. He just looked around and said "I guess you're still in love with that vampire feller, huh?"

    @Latchkey Wife There is something wrong with your co-worker. She is clearly not NORMAL like us! I know you were excited to think you could possibly have a RL friend to obsess with. That's a bummer, but you're no worse off than before.

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  43. Team Edward. Until the day I die :)

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  44. Despite my granddaughter's best efforts nothing she could say or do could get me into Twilight - until I watched the New Moon DVD with her and Taylor Lautner took his shirt off. Hot Damn! I immediately went out and bought all the books. So I have no choice but to self identify as Team Jacob.

    Movie Edward is pasty with red lips and totally weird looking. Book Edward is first a creeper, then an asshole, then a pussy. What's to like?

    I think Robert Pattinson is adorable, though. Can I be Team rob too?

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  45. Team Edward to infinity.................................................................................................

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  46. TEAM SPARKLE PEEN




    Team Bella doesn't make any sense, at least not from a feminist standpoint. She is a horrible heroine. She is obsessed and dependent on a man, and can't stand on her own two damn feet (quite literally...). But if you wanna be Team Kristen, I'm okay with that. Bitch is hot. All day.

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  47. Hey Rizity...
    My kitty is Team Edward too! purrrr!

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  48. I think when your co-worker said she had her own fantasies that was her round about way of saying she's into you, LKW.

    there, i said it. she didn't read the books, she's just trying to find some common ground with the girl she wants to bite.

    case solved.

    robzsinger

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  49. jacob voce e o mais lindo de todo o planeta eduarde nen chega aos seus pes lindoooooooooooooooooo

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  50. jacob voce e a pessoa mais linda desse mundo nao ten quen nao queira te namorar e concordo com o comentario a cima

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  51. Taylor voce fez muito ben o papael de jacob no filme crepusculo super massa gostei de mais nao sei porque essa garotas indiotas gostan do eduarde eca

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