Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Shark Week: Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In the...Woods?

Last week was an extremely important week. It only comes around once a year — like Christmas, Rosh Hashanah, and JJ's bath day. It was Shark Week, mothertruckers! I'm sure I don't have to explain this because everyone knows about the week where The Discovery Channel goes shark-a-licious. I don't personally watch it because I hate nature, but I understand most of the developed world does.

All right. Who made the bubbles?

I'm not particularly scared of sharks because they don't swim in chlorinated water. They don't tend to bother you if you never go near the beach. I went to the beach once when I was younger and learned a few things about myself.
  1. It is possible to get sand in orifices you didn't know you had.
  2. Said sand will never be completely washed off your body.
  3. My bitching increases exponentially if I'm hot, the wind is blowing or if strangers look at me.
  4. My toes can not tell the difference between seaweed and a hungry Great White shark.
This is exactly me, except with screaming and the starting of a mass panic.

Did I mention I don't like nature? It gives me the willies. I always turn on The Discovery Channel for about three seconds during Shark Week. Inevitably, I see some unsuspecting baby seal bobbing along, minding his own business. That's when I know some nature is about to happen. I can't turn the channel fast enough. I've got enough issues, Discovery Channel. Please don't add to them.

Don't go in the water! They made three whole movies about it and another that only two people saw.

I thought I was safe if I just stayed on dry land. That was until Mr. TK sent me a link to this news article. They found a shark...in the woods. What the actual fuck? What kind of ninja-ass shark is that? Is this the beginning of a bear / shark showdown? In that case, bears, the ball is in your court. Or perhaps, this is the beginning of New Moon: The Shark Edition. Poor Sharkella.

Just after I nailed the "No Soliciting Land Sharks Allowed" sign to my door, I read about the Shark Week Drinking Game. I totally bookmarked the website where I found this gem. Or at least I thought I did. Now I've lost it. It's probably with my Edward pen and the thirty thousand mate-less socks I'm missing. Nonetheless, these rules are awesome. If you have the desire to shit out your liver like a shrivelled prune, you must play this game.

Number Three is probably where I would lose consciousness. Everyone on those shows sounds like Crocodile Dundee.

How many of you mark your calendars for Shark Week? Has anyone received wilderness shark attack training? Please share in the comments.

My, what big teeth you have.


  1. Just one thing to say TK..... "Candy Gram"!
    Please tell me I'm not the only one aroung here old enough to remember the 'Land Shark' skits they used to do on SNL waaaaayyy back in the day! :) I'd be interested to know where those woods are that they found that shark in - hopefully not here in Texas!

  2. UGH! That was supposed to say 'around' here! :P
    Jeez - someone just bite me!

  3. Bwahahahah!!! "Candy Gram", I loved that one!

    You'll think I'm insane but being in a steel cage with the sharks is on my bucket list.

    I now have the urge to walk behind TK in Forks humming the Jaws theme.

  4. @Cullencougarwannabe--They found the land shark in NH. So odd.

    @Rikki_DD--I'm not scared of sharks as long as they announce their presence before eating me.

  5. You really are trying to get in my pants, aren't you TK?!

    Um....PSA: I love sharks. Not like I want to take a water ballet class with them, but I am fascinated by them. And, being from SoCal and loving the ocean sort of ups my shark attack anty....fabulous.

    Anyhoo all that said, I EFFING LOVE THAT GAME! I had never heard of it before, but I want to dry hump whoever thought it up. It's genius! Where was it last week when Twikiwi50, DG and I were sitting around watching, whilst drinking?! LOVE IT. Saving it.

    XOXO J

  6. SHARK WEEEEEEK!!!! Can't lie...Thought we were gonna be talking about TK on her period. Now THAT would be Shark Week. Only your razor sharp teeth would be the sexy ass stilettos you'd be wearing.

    I flove Shark Week. I look forward to it every year. Although, shit seems to be getting a bit redundant. It was epic the first year, but now there are just so many reruns, I only watch the new shit. Which...Turned out to be remixes of the old shit. Whatev. I still love it.

    And I would totes jump into a shark tank and swim with those damn fishes. I pet the baby sharks in the aquarium pools that are aimed at little kids, I've considered vacation spots for the opportunity to go shark swimming.

    ...And Jaws is The Bentist's fave movie of all time. Hell yes.

  7. @Twired Jen--I want to play that game so bad, but I can NOT see a baby seal get eaten. A person, yes, but not a seal. I really want to watch someone play the game too. I'm not sure I could swallow that fast. *ahem* It looks like you would be taking at least 12 shots per minute. How do you have time to refill? I'm so intrigued.

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  9. I'm sure since that shark was found in the woods close to the Maine border, you're probably thinking the LKW family had something to do with it. I just want to clarify one thing -- we did not. Mainly because blue sharks are vile, annoying creatures and if caught, you don't keep them, you shoot them in the head and throw them back (sorry PETA, that's just how we roll 'round here).

    We used to go shark fishing all the time and once my dad asked us to bring him home some blue shark so he could try it. Um... blue sharks piss through their skin so they're really not known for being a delicacy. We gave him some and he cooked it up before I could suggest he marinate it in something. He told me he marinated it in the garbage disposal - that's how gross it was.

    I love shark week. I love sharks. I love Jaws because I get to watch sharks eat people.

  10. One of my "bucket list" items is to go to either South Africa or Australia to see the great whites that jump out of the water like a whale. I don't watch shark week though, just random NatGeo or Animal Planet stuff.

    @TK - Check out the show River Monsters. You'll really never want to swim in anything other than a pool again. MAH HAHAHAHAHA!

  11. I love Shark Week. If you haven't seen those Great White's flying out of the water....you MUST! It is unbelievable!!!

  12. I've waiting until now to read this post, mainly because sharks make me shit my pants. I live 1 block from the pacific ocean.. in a city that has the name "Beach" in it and I'm terrified of going in the water. But dude now I'm terrified of the woods. Thanks a lot, nature!

  13. Shark Week is awesome! I mean, take a look at this video "Man gets too close to a great white shark and it attacks him" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gajXn0nu7A&feature=related YEAH!

  14. I do not go in the ocean. As far as I'm concerned, once you step foot into the ocean you are no longer top of the food chain and I'm a big fan of not being eaten by gigantic swimming creatures with razor sharp teeth. Fuck that.

  15. I love shark week. I love sharks. I love the ocean. I am pretty much part fish. I actually have cage dived with sharks and scuba dive with them (tigers, bulls, hammerheads, black tips and reef sharks, not great whites obviously). They are actually not nearly as scary as shark week makes them out to be. The only thing that has ever attacked me in the ocean is a damn jellyfish (which really hurts by the way). I have swam with sharks while diving and not once have I ever felt threatened... they are actually really beautiful, graceful, fascinating creatures!

  16. I believe this is the bears' answer to Shark Week: http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6576889/10-reasons-why-bear-week-would-be-better-than-shark-week

  17. So I found this thing on Pinterest the other day and it was too funny not to share and totally goes with this post because now shark week isn't one week a year any more. It's now one week a month and this week is totally shark week. (Link will make that make more sense.)


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