Friday, August 19, 2011

This is Why I Never Want Robert Pattinson to Hear Me Speak...

I've recently become addicted to The Oatmeal -- I know, I know, I'm late to this party but holy fuck, that is some funny shit. At lunch today I was in need of some good laughs to accompany my amazingly delicious grilled cheese with avocado sandwich so I clicked on over to The Oatmeal and found myself in fits of giggles. Guffaws really.

Oooops, sorry... gratuitous RPattz photo just appeared... must be weekend magic!

One particular cartoon about accents caught my attention. If you've met me and talked to me, you know that I have a pretty strong Maine accent -- like newborn Bella strong. I rarely pronounce an 'r' and love to use words like 'wicked' and 'pissah' and 'yessah'. And sometimes even together.
"My dog got run over by a cah the other day."

"Well, that's a wicked pissah!"

It's been loads of fun getting to know other Twitards from all over and hearing their accents. [I'm looking at you Jenny Jerkface. Wanna go get some cawfee?] I sometimes think my Maine accent makes me sound a little dim, but I stopped trying to hide it a long time ago. It's who I am and where I'm from... and I'm really not that dim.

It amazes me how certain accents can give people an impression about someone that may or may not be true. Like why is it that someone with a British accent never sounds stupid? Even if they are... And why is it that Robert Pattinson could probably say the meanest thing to me ever -- "No thank you Latchkey Wife. I don't want you to give me a mind-melting blowjob." -- and I'd think he was charming because of that fucking accent?

Completely rude, yet smart sounding. How do they do that? And jftr, twat crumpet might be my new favorite word.

But what would RPattz think of my accent? Because along with the non-pronunciation of the letter R, I'm loud and I have a serious potty mouth. This is exactly why it's probably a good thing that if I ever did come (twss) face-to-face with him, I'd suddenly become a mute. More likely than not, I would blurt out all the following inappropriate things...

 Except I'd be talking about RPattz's penis. Not mine. I don't have one. Well, I do have one but it's attached to my husband.

I think most people don't think they even have an accent. My cousin (Double_Dippin) actually claimed she didn't have a Maine accent and then at lunch the other day she threw down a "wicked smaht" and I about fell off my chair. Maybe that will be a fun game in Forks -- "Name That Accent." What's yours? Do you have one or are you in denial like JJ and DD?

TGIMFF, twat crumpets!


  1. I most certainly will admit that I have a southern accent, as I HATE to hear my recorded voice...

    I like to think I enunciate quite well. I guess y'all can judge fer yerselves in a few weeks.

    Shucks. :oP

  2. I'm the only girl from my town that came out w a valley girl accent. I've curbed it over the years. Now it just sounds pretentious.

  3. My kids were born in Mississippi, but they don't really have that southern accent because we moved before they started talking.

    When we used to visit Grandmother and Pop in NC, my kids thought it was an awesome adventure to go hang out at Wal-Mart and just listen to the voices around them! [Too bad that was before we had cell-phone cameras!] My southern accent leaks occasionally, but that's OK. Girls Raised In The South and all that!

  4. I once let a British man cuss me out on the phone for a good 5 minutes before I hung up on him. I just wanted to hear his accent. I have a soft spot for the Australian accent too.

  5. I'm from Mass, so I grew up with a "wicked" accent. After years of out-of-state college, I figured out how to pronounce the letter "r", but I haven't lost it totally. I agree that the accent makes people sound unintelligent, but it's also kinda endearing.

    Talk to yuz layta, I'm goin' to the packie to get some shit for the kegga.

  6. Being a Washingtonian via Montana, I'm not supposed to have one, but my upstate NY friend says I sound like a cowgirl, my mom was from Pennsylvania, and my true love, but never married ex-boyfriend was a Mainer and I thought his voice was so sexy. I think w/ the influences I've had in my life, I speak what I would call "Military" meaning, you have no fucking clue where I'm from, but I have a weird accent, anyway.

  7. I Just don't know what it is about a British accent (and one person's in particular) that makes me so tingley all over... What's my accent, you ask? People from Southern California don't have accents :)

  8. I grew up in Washington, the Seattle side at that, I don't have an accent. Except that my dad was a true Minnesote'n via Canada eh, and then I moved to St. Louis MO for college. It's hawt in hurr. Yer sharts make me harney on highway farty-farr (44)

    I had to listen to myself during a quality monitoring exercise. OMFG! I sound like a high pitched Canadian white rapper.

    I do love other accents.

  9. Ayuh, Ah'm anotha Mainah with no r's, and it's wicked awesome! Rpattz's accent makes my bones melt! And otha pahts too!

  10. I would prefer "Saucy twat Crumpet"

    The English accent is lovely, I had always had a thing for it. Goes wayyyy back to my younger years.
    Its quite charming to listen to while your being insulted in such a lovely way or maybe Im just being "daft"
    I would agree with Kristen in one manner that the English "they've all got the same scary vocabulary"

    Im too yankee for the south since Im from DC and live in FL.

  11. I just saw those things posted on 9gag before I read this post and LMAO!

    I'm from the central part of Wisconsin, so yah-der-hey, I do have a slight Upper (pronounced You-per) accent. My parents, and especially my grandparents, have it pretty bad--I blame it on our german heritage. Although, the other day on vacation, I met some people from the middle of Illinois, and they told me I sounded like I had a southern accent. WTF? Never got that before. Well, I had been drinking a little, lol!

  12. I'll take Name that Accent for $200 LKW!
    I love "wicked pissah" !! I'll greet you with that one this year at Forks in stead of MF'er. LOL

    Is a twat crumpet british for twat waffle?

    If you guys watch 30Rock there are a few episodes with Alec Baldwin & Julianna Moore that do great Boston accents.

    I'm with TwiSue, I don't have an accent, because I'm from Idaho now. But sometimes I do accents.

  13. Ha! If you think British accents always make people sound smart you clearly have never seen The Only Way is Essex. It's like Jersey Shore, but with a bunch of orange-coloured British twats and wankers instead of American. The upper class British accent might make people sound smart, but cockney, Geordie, Brummie, Liverpool, West Coun'ry, Yorkshire and Lancashire accents do not. So, you know, 99% of the population.

    No offense, Brits, but most of your accents suck. Not that the Irish can complain. The Cork accent is unbelievably irritating, Kerry people sound like they're singing at you, the northern accent is just weird, and in my home county of Meath the country people are impossible to understand and the town accent could cut glass *shudders* The Southside Dublin accent is horribly pretentious and I refuse to comment on the Northside accent for fear my relatives will lynch me. Just think Colin Farrell.

    My own accent? Well, my dad's American and I seem to have picked up his accent a bit over the years. People ask me if I'm American all the time (except that woman who asked me if I was Australian and that old guy who asked me if I was Scottish, but I think he was a bit deaf). I'm just glad my dad doesn't have my gran's thick Philly accent. Seriously, if you think JJ's Joisy accent is bad...

  14. I'm with @TwiloveSue, us gals from So Cal don't have accents...or do we? I have heard from most people in the US and Canada that we don't have one, but then again every once in a while someone says we do. What's your take LKW, JJ, STY, TK? You have all heard my voice...hmm maybe TK hasn't...but what do you say?

    Maybe I should VLOG about this..."Do I have an accent?!"

    I puffy hear your accent LKW...JJ's too!

    XO J

  15. *hanging head sadly* I'm from Buxton, Maine... so I have a horrible farmers accent. Excuse me, 'famah's' accent. I have been denyine my accent for as long as I could speak, but sadly, my embarrassing maine drawl gets worse and worse with age.

  16. I have a Chicago accent and say things like "hawt dog" sounds a bit like "hat dog". You don't pronounce the letter 'r'? Well we do... hard (twss). And we flatten out the letter 'a' as if its been driven over by a mack truck! However I have been told by my fellow Chicagoians that I speak like a valley girl. I'll come to terms with that one day... maybe.

    I wish I was coming to Fooorks so I could meet all of these people with their weird accents. Hey mine isn't weird, it's cool and Rob has tried to do an impression of it! Nah-chos! LOL

  17. I could not agree with Banshee more, we have some pretty horrendous accents in Britain, England in particular, but I live in Scotland now and much prefer the scottish accent.

  18. LOL @ Fragile Little Human.. "packie" - how many times have I heard that!! I am originally from Boston but went to college in FL and NY so now I've got this weird combination accent. I worked hard to erase the r = h accent that reminds me of home because now that I'm living in NY, nobody on the phone understands what you are trying to say! Suuuuuper frustrating in a business setting though I wish I kept it for my own listening pleasure.

  19. I like to say I don't have a FUCKIN accent, * hangs head* but Maine kind of lures you in with the wicked yeah anything that ends in er usually ends with a verbal ah...I got teased as a youngster for having a southern accent having been born in NC ...but I guess Maine now owns me. Oh well, guess ill juut have to.....endure it. Or you will...nice call out LKW..go sew somethin.. love yah..

  20. After spending last weekend with TwiKiwi50's amazing New Zealand accent I find myself missing it terribly. It is a beautiful sound.

    I love accents and if you ever hear me sounding like you please don't take offense I just sometimes pick them up :)

  21. @anonymous: hope I didn't mention your accent... :) I love the Scottish accent too.

    @Dangrdafne: my mom does that. I used to think it was really embarassing but now I just think it's funny.

  22. I am from Southern New England, but inland. So no accent. Once you are about 75 miles in from the ocean, you can magically pronounce "r" and "a. My theory is that breathing sea salt or driving I95 screws with your ability to speak.

  23. @Nifer - Your phonetic spelling fucking cracked me up.

    @Red Bella - I was with STY when I read your comment last night and busted out laughing.

    @Banshee713 & Anon - I've had to turn on subtitles a bunch of times when watching British/Scottish/Irish films because I can't understand a fucking word they are saying.

    @Double_Dippin - Dude. You have a heavy accent. Just sayin'.

    As if my Jersey accent wasn't bad enough, after five years of working closely with a bunch of women from Brooklyn and the Bronx, I'm starting to actually pick up THEIR accents as well. My accent is like a lumbering dumb-ass who will kick everyone's ass, mother-fuckas. fuhgedaboutit.

  24. The other day I watched "How the States Got Their Shape" and it was all about accents accross the US. I always thought us Californians didn't have accents (since I think we sound just like the people on TV) but that show begged to differ. The thing is that when talking of SoCal they talked mostly about the words we make up that permiate society ("dude" "totally" etc).

    One very interesting piece of trivia from that show... the southern accent didn't start until AFTER THE CIVIL WAR! I found it especially Twilight related because in the Eclipse movie Jasper had many more lines and Jackson gave Jasper's speach a decidedly southern twist... which turns out is COMPLETELY WRONG since Jasper was born before the Civil War.

  25. Lila, that's a "totally awesome" discovery about the southern accent. I want to check that out. About Californians having accents, I have a client who studies linguistics, and she's from SoCal, and she says that you can tell if someone's from San Francisco, LA, whatever. She says the Pacific NW (which is the WEST side of the mountains) is considered "no accent" and is what mainstream tries to achieve. Huh.

  26. Bein from the south I have that suthunn, app. mt. accent. That is why I call him Jaasssspaah and when I went to see 100 monkeys I wus soooo fraid I would call him that but I did gud and called him Jaaacksun.

  27. but all ya'all know what I mean.

  28. I don't know how I managed to not have an accent (unless "whiny, nasel-y-sounding voice" is an accent?) - must have been the "inland" theory put forth above - I grew up on the western side of NJ - not in that part where JJ grew up.

    @dangrdafne - I'm the same way! when I visit Savannah for more than a few days, the y'alls come out to play...

    My grandmother was from Maine and spent much of her adult life living in the south - now THAT was an accent mash-up!

    OK I'm off to investigate this "no pre-Civil-War southern accent" thing...

  29. p.s. British accent? FLOVE - unless it's coming from some idiot's mouth! Hearing the n'er-do-wells who were looting recently talk made me cringe - on several levels. So the hoodlum/hood-rat english accent? not a fan.


    snootier than you

  30. Stroik a loit! This post was all kinds of WIN!!!

    First off, though, I am in TOTAL agreement with you, STY. Hood-rat English turns my stomach. I have a niece who attempts to speak it, just to fit in, and it makes me cringe (and want to slap her, if truth be told)!!!

    Anyhoo, back to the post...

    @LKW: I 3> you so for saying this: "why is it that someone with a British accent never sounds stupid". Makes me feel a whole lot better about opening my mouth (to speak, of course - get your mind out of the gutter!) when I meet you peeps in Forks.

    You see, for those who don't already know, I'm from the UK. Oh, and @Banshee713, I used to have a fairly pronounced regional accent (fortunately, not one of those you listed ;-) ).

    I was gonna give you all an explanation about the mish-mash that is my accent now, but I think I'll leave that for Forks. I doubt any of you will be able to place it... (except, perhaps, for Edbrella ;-) )

    Um, twat crumpet? Well 'crumpet' is another word for sex over here, so I don't think it translates into twatwaffle (which I FLURVE, btw!) Not figuratively, of course. I mean the term.

    Oh, never mind...

    CC x

  31. @STY- LMAO! Are you saying you're not a fan of the Cocknea accent? Instead of 'here', they say 'Eyah!' LOL!

    I'm a total geek for UK television and listen to it for different diolects. But my favorite by far is Irish. There's something about a hot Irish guy with a low, growling, accent. Am I wierd for that? Yes.

  32. The episode of "How the States Got Their Shapes" that referenced the Southern accent is called "Mouthing Off" can be referenced here:

    I see that you can also view/buy it on iTunes , but I don't see it on the History Channel's website.

    Here is the description of the episode:

    We all live in the same country, so why do we sound do different? It's a matter of where you are on the map. ***Why didn't the southern accent exist until after the Civil War?*** How did California athletes end up coining so many new words? Why do we have so many different words for the same things -- like pop versus soda? Will one particularly strong accent cause New York to break up and create a 51st state?

  33. I'm from Wyoming, and we do not have an accent at all! I know cuz I listen to myself talk all. the. time.

  34. Im British but I come from Wales, and most people say that we talk like we are singing.

  35. @ChloeCougar: I didn't say regional English accents are bad, really. Just that they don't automatically make people sound smart no matter what they're blathering about, like, say, Prince Philip's accent does ;)

    The only ones I really can't stand are the Buuuhhhming-gum/brummie accent and that chavvy London scumbag accent. Blech.

    @JJ: I heard somewhere that when The Commitments was released in the States, phrase books/Dub-American dictionaries were given out. I have no idea if it's true or not, I just thought it was funny.

  36. I guess since everywhere I've been these last three weeks I've been the 'shiny penny' with my Noo Zulland accent I should chime in here. That's lovely of Dangrdafne to say I sound 'beautiful', the cheque is in the mail bb x

    I notice a wide variation in American accents and could definitely tell the difference when I met RedBella the other day with her Canadian twang.

    I guess nothing quite beats a weekend in Napa with six others parroting you and trying to learn 'kiwi', huh alltwiedup??

  37. I'm from Southern California (So Cal to you newbiws!) amd I'm with @Twired Jen and @TwiLoveSue - we do not have accents (except one lady from Disneyworld said we do-the ones from Los Angeles) or do we????
    I do love the accent from Maine tho'- I used to travel there for work (IDEXX Labs - yay!) and I miss hearing it. Maybe someone can make me a Maine accent remix for my ringtone?

  38. I live in Tacoma (near Seattle), WA so I supposedly don't have an accent. I don't buy that though really. I just like to say that it's the West Coast Accent. Maybe they say we don't have an accent because all our words are enunciated & clear maybe?? I dunno. I love listening to people from other countries & other states. I think my favorites are the Brits, Scots, Irish, New Zealanders, and the Aussies. A lot of people from South Africa speak very nicely also. In the states I tend to be fond of the southern boys "Aw shucks mam" stuff. I am kind of a cowgirl though. HAHAHA!

  39. Awww...I totally loooove your Maine accent! It makes me think of Sully, one of my favorite Jimmy Fallon characters on SNL. Or....Ben Affleck and Matt Damon when they first got real big. I know they are all Boston accents but in my head it all sounds the same.
    I am from Southern Illinois...not even real south...but south enough I guess to give me a little southern accent. People I talk to from Chicago and northern Illinois always crack up at my accent. You wouldn't think a 4 hour driver would make that big of a difference!

  40. Oi, Banshee! Midlander living in Lancashire here! Good job I'm not eaasily offended ;o)

    I'm pretty sure you'll all just sound American to me in Forks (wooo! I fly out 5 weeks today!)

  41. Grew up in San Antonio, went to college in west texas, live now in Dallas, so I have this crazy combination of twangy drawl(and asking people about thier kin-but pronounced "Key-in"), and Dallas preteniousness, plus a little mexican, especially when I am mad or ordering food.

    I just realized this morning how much I wanna go to Forks: ( But I'm having surgery in Sept so I would be hopped up on all good kinds of pain meds. Which actually would probably make a pretty good trip, but I'd also need someone to drive me around and not let me climb up trees thinking Edward *might* be up there while on said pain meds, and I can't ask people to be responsible for that.

  42. I don't think I have an accent, but I'm probably in denial. I live there...about a lot of things.

    Name That Accent sounds like fun. I'm down.

    Those pics are hysterical!!! I've got my ab workout in today just reading this post and the one right before it.

    This chubby girl thanks you.

  43. I am from Southeastern MA, right near the ocean and I speak with the stereotypical Boston acdent! I frequently overuse the word wicked lol. I agree with the Inland Southern New England Anonymous who said that "Once you are about 75 miles in from the ocean, you can magically pronounce "r" and "a." My theory is that breathing sea salt or driving I95 screws with your ability to speak." because my in-laws live in inland MA and they don't have much of an accent. Also, just hung out with my friend from Seattle for about a week and I did notice that she has no accent at all. I thought that was wicked weird.

    I could listen to British, Irish, Scottish, New Zealanders, and Aussies talk ALL DAY loong. I FLOVE they're accents :)

    August 20, 2011 10:40 AM


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