Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A Twitard's Comic-Con Adventure: Let the Jealousy Begin

We received an e-mail the other day titled "Seriously, I Met RPatz." I clicked on it fully expecting to get thirteen thousand viruses and maybe a few good porn images. I was pleasantly surprised to find no viruses (and a little miffed at the lack of porn), but a tale of a Twitard meeting RPatz in the flesh. The four of us fought over who gets to marry this lady because she had us rolling with laughter. And jealousy. But mostly laughter.

I'll let her tell her story...
From: MaBarberElla Subject: Seriously, I Met RPatz
Date: August 1, 2011 5:12:44 PM CDT
Heeeeey youuuuuu guuuuuuuys!!! K, so I SO BADLY wanted to post a comment on your "Comic-Con and the Green-Eyed Monster" post, but I started replying and it got so long, I gave up and decided I didn't want to hijack your blog for my own self-indulgent purposes. I felt I must SHARE because I already squeed over it 1,000 times with my ficwife when it happened, but since I've come home, there's no one to appreciate my experience. My hubs has taken to patting me on the head and telling me to get over it. So, Imma share with YOU ladies (and I use that term loosely) via email, as I don't want to muddle up all your fantastic bloggie goodness like the selfish little TwiH00r that I am. So, here it is — MY Comic-Con story that will forever remain swimming around in my brain and on endless replay loop while daydreaming when I'm really supposed to be working.

COMIC-CON!!! I went this year. I mean, OH MY F'ING GOD I WENT THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!! And, um, I had the most fantastic time ever fangirling all over the fic authors at the TwiH00r meetup, the cast of Chuck at their panel, my ficwife I finally met in person, My Line Girls (the girls I stood with and and new h00rs I met in line while sleeping out Wednesday night), and...oh...What was that other thing? Oh, yeah, my favorite part. That was when...


I was one of the 50 out of the line of 5,000+ that drew a winning ticket out of a bucket and got to go stand in a sweaty room and have Taylor, Kstew, Bill Condon, and THE PRECIOUS sign my (free gift) Breaking Dawn poster!! [Note from TK: This is like the big girl version of the Wonka Golden Ticket, but with a muuuuuch better prize.]

I would cut everyone of these bitches for some face time with RPattz.

Seriously, I never win anything. (That's not true. I won a Cabbage Patch kid in a Girl Scout raffle when I was 8 and almost passed out in delight. That didn't even compare to this. And Cabbage Patch kids were REALLY popular back then!) I just stood and gawked at the Summit Entertainment lady like she was crazy and said, "What do you mean, I won? What does that MEAN??" And then I spent the next hour in line and the next hour watching the panel telling my girls and the random 15-year-old teenage boy sitting next to me, "I'm not freaking out yet. I don't know why, but eventually I'm going to freak out. I’m GOING to freak out."

Finally the time came and because the panel went long, they only had 15 minutes to sign 50 autographs. So, I stood there thinking of witty, fabulous things to say while the security people barked "DO NOT TOUCH the celebrities. DO NOT spend more than a few seconds with each celebrity or someone will lose their turn. There are no pictures allowed, so DO NOT take a camera or ANYTHING out of your bag. If you do, you will be ejected from the room and Comic-Con." It was kinda like being treated like cattle, or traveling through the Atlanta airport during the holidays and being screamed at by security.

I finally got my turn and Taylor was so sweet and Mr. Hollywood and all smiley and trying to be cordial and quick at the same time, and I kept waiting for him to give me the double guns with his thumb and his pointer and wink at me.

Taylor's lost Jersey Shore audition tape

And then he handed my poster to Rob.

THE. Rob.

And suddenly, all the wonderful, witty, clever, amazing things I was going to say evaporated from my brain, which, in its defense, was completely addled because of the hawtness of The Precious in person, and this is what I said, “Uh, hi. Hi. I’m uh…thanks for…um, this is great, I…thanks for signing my…uh, yeah.”


I am one of the most extroverted, talkative people I know, and I tend to get along with most people. People I just met tend to want to tell me their life stories and most intimate secrets because I’m transparent and wear my heart on my sleeve and talk… a lot. Except the ONE TIME IN MY LIFE it may have been important for me to have control of the link between my mandible, lips, and voicebox and my brain. JESUS. FUCK.

The best part? His response:

“Hi…uh, hi. Yeah…uh, thanks for coming out, uh…yeah.”

Perfect. It was like the awkward perfect storm.

The girl in front of me out-ed herself as a Twi fic author and he asked her her penname. That takes balls the size of Godzilla. Seriously. Me? I just stood there and jabbered like an idiot.

The minute I left the room, I called one of my h00rs who couldn’t make it to CC this year - @DazzledIn2008 – and told her what I’d done. I vaguely remember her screaming at me, but that’s about it. My Line Girls and ficwife, @TheGreenPuma, had one request the whole time: I was to report how he smelled. I found them outside, and had to hang my head and tell them I couldn’t get close enough to smell him…either that or I couldn’t smell him over my I-traveled-8-hours-in-July-heat-and-then-slept-out-all-night light, fresh scent.

Even though I was unable to awe him with my quick wit and captivating conversation skills, I did get to bask in the hawtness that radiated from him as he attempted to have a conversation with me while autographing something, as I hunkered above him. He’s still hawt, even with the hairtastrophie. It was everything you ever thought it would be…minus some conversational skills.

It's like RPatz is his own before & after picture.

I have to give kudos to MaBarberElla because I would have sputtered sentence fragments and then booted it on the table. I likely would have ruined my free poster and had to do a Comic-Con walk of shame with my puke-covered door prize.

I'm trying to hate my fellow Twitard, but she sounds too much like me. I told her I was going to lead the angry mob of jealous bitches tonight, but I just can't do it. She seems too freaking nice. Ok, maybe we can chase her just a little bit.


  1. What a lucky bitch! I must say, she was much more coherent and talkative than I would be (if I ever found myself in that position)!

  2. I was also one of the 50... I wonder if this twitard was right behind me cuz the girl I was with totes outted herself as a ffn author LOL loud and proud hahah he even asked her penname. :)

    Me.. i word vomited all over Rob but it was totally worth it to see the pretty up close like that ...

    I love comic con :) and yes.. I'm still talking about being in his presence 2 weeks later LOL

  3. OMG, @jarkin33! You, too? Seriously? I'm going to fucking die of jealousy over here, bitches!

    You lucky, lucky h00rs.

    I think I might have just pissed myself if I had been in that sort of proximity with The Precious. No words, just urine. I'm not even kidding.

    Alas, I'm happy for you and fortune! Maybe one day it'll be me....

  4. ...and I'm the crazy broad with the gorilla balls that told Rob I was a fan fic author. I thought he'd think it was funny, but I saw the wheels turning when he asked for my tag name and it kind of freaked me out(in a really good way) Now I can fantasize that he is reading my stories.

    Meanwhile in line, I was soaking up all that beauty and trying not to resent that I had to waste those 30 seconds with Taylor that could have been spent with Rob.

    My favorite part of retelling this story is that I am a middle aged woman that was standing in line behind a quivering ten year old quote the Talking Heads..."How did I get here?" What can I say? I'll probably be a fan girl until the day I die.

    Oh, and I shouldn't forget to mention that I gave Kristen's Hot Body Guard a wink on my way out the door.

  5. MaBarberElla even though what you said was sentence fragments and what he replied were also sentence fragments... you get to say what not many other Twi h00rs can say.. you had a conversation with RPattz! You lucky lucky h00r. I'm not jealous, I'm NOT jealous, okay that's a total lie I'm soooo jealous!

    I heard about Rob asking about a fic authors pen name, awesome for you @abstract way. I bet Rob reads your stuff and writes a screen play about it and then you'll be famous and get to hang out with Rob while he films the movie, bc he'll need your input on getting the story just right :)

  6. Wow, you guys are super, super lucky! That's like winning the lottery thousands of times over. Super, super jealousy!!

    But awesome for you guys! Sentence fragments or not!

    I met my favorite band a few years back and was only able to manage a "Hi" and a "Thank you" for them signing my poster. 3 words was pretty good. Lasting impression. ;)

    Lucky, lucky, lucky girls!

  7. Awesome story! Awesome experience! Thanks so much for sharing!!

  8. OK so THREE of the fifty people out of thousands are right here?! I am so freaking proud right now I may just burst!!! Also, massively jealous. But more ecstatic & proud than jealous. I FLOVE you twat-waffles! : )

    Kudos to all of you for making it there and not tossing your cookies all over the boy.

  9. Thanks, guys! I wish I could've shared it with you all...but then I woulda had to take off my earrings and push my way to the front to act all awkward in front of him. :)
    jarkin33 - I was the blonde shaking in her flip-flops chatting non-stop until it was time to actually step forward and take a poster and give it to Taylor. Then, for the first time in my life, I clammed up. My elementary school teachers would never believe it!
    abstract way, YOU, my dear, are my HERO!! I wish I coulda had the cajones to have done the same. I'd probably get a LOT more writing done if I thought he was out there reading my shiz. ::fans self just thinking about it::
    Thanks, TK for not leading a huge angry mob, but being chased by a bunch of pussies is probably a just retaliation. :)

  10. @STY--I was thinking the same thing! I can't believe almost 10% of the luckiest ladies are in our midst.

  11. by the way, that picture of Taylor... oh, no words. It was EXACTLY what he did in my head. And that caption killed me. Love it. So perfect.

  12. EPICEST STORY EVER! love it. And don't feel bad. I literally rehearsed what I was going to say to Charlie Bewley for 7 hours up there and managed to squeek out "hi charlie".

  13. So very cool! Two of my bloggy besties @17foreverlisa & @TwiloveSue had the ultimate orgasmic pleasure of meeting him too! I LOVED your re-cap, you're a great writer!

    xo j

  14. What is it about the Twi men that makes our tongues tie up? I live in Vegas, and have worked at the MGM once where celebs are left and right. I've had casual conversations with many celebs, and yet the moment I met Jackson Rathbone, I was all "uh, yeah, hi, uh, hi."

    My girlfriend had a better time talking to him, and he mentioned something about be happy to wake up and not be buried in the desert. Rational thought would be "how do you wake up buried in the desert?", but not my mind.

    So wrapped around a life of Twilight I thought Vegas = mobs = MafiaWard = Emancipation Proclamation.

    I had to bite my tongue from not shouting at Jackson if he has read EP or not.

  15. MaBarberElla - Thanks for sharing your wonderful story!!

    I was also one of the magic 50 along with the lovely 17foreverlisa (wow, did Twitards clean up that day or what??) and it was truly a memorable experience. Rob was just as amazingly beautiful and gracious in person as I knew he would be.

    Coincidentally... I posted my story tonight over at tonight, so please stop over and say hi!! XOXO

  16. "No words, just urine." LOLOL!

    Fantastic story and reporting. I just would have given my ticket away, I can't cope with celebrity, jeez, even meeting the names I know so much on here in Forks in 8 WEEKS!!! is probably enough for me to go 'no words, just urine.' ;o)


  17. Three Twitards in a room with The Precious and not one of you offered to perform sexual favors? Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in you. Seriously, it's like Ralphie waiting in line to ask Santa for that Red Rider Air Rifle and zoning out and asking for a football.

    I wonder if Rob is waiting to meet Tara sue me or SnowQueen IceDragon? Someone HAS to ask him what fic he has read!!!!

  18. No words.... Just green with envy.

    Seriously awsome story, you lucky H00r.

  19. Wow! There is no hope for me! My hopes and dreams of actually being able to speak a clear and concise sentence, if by chance I get to meet "The Pretty," have all been dashed! Like all the twihards I dream of this moment but just know I will go down in stuttering flames like MaBarberElla. *sigh* Ah Hell, I fangirl over meeting fellow twi-bloggers, I have no chance!

    Congrats you lucky bitches! :P

  20. Total awesomeness! I get embarassed at myself at how I fan girl over those people. I met Taylor, Rachelle, & Edi right before Twilight came out & I stuttered then. Meeting Rob would be waaaaaaaay worse. And also totally worth it. Cheers to all you ladies who got the chance to meet Mr. Pattinson!

  21. I know @MaBarberElla. She is awesome. I mean AWESOME with a GREAT RACK! She is legit cool, insane, beautiful person. This couldn't have happened to a more deserving h00r. She is one of the good h00rs. Love you MaBarberElla!!!

  22. OMG likeitlemony - You said it perfectly!!!LMAO! Sexual Favors, Christmas Story, and FanFiction - the trifecta of posts!

  23. Blimey. I was in the same room as Rob for an hour on the Graham Norton Show. I could barely eat with nerves all day. I think my knees would have given way, seriously. Congrats and well done, ladies.

  24. This honestly could be my story. I too am a very social butterfly and even at TwiCon I had a nameless new BD cast mate in love with me. However if I were to meet THE Rob I'd be stammering over myself and having a similar stimulating conversation.
    I've actually had the privilege to embarrass myself on national TV on the today show when Al Roker came to talk to me. I froze on TV and made a fool out of myself. And that was only Al Roker. I can't imagine what I would do if the precious was actually in front of me.
    I would have been escorted out and taken to the local crazy hospital is my best guess.

  25. LOL! @MaBarberElla, you're awesome! I think I would have had the same reaction as you. No, I KNOW I would have. I would have been all jittery. There would be no word vomit because my mouth would have been dry as sand. And my face would have been a red as a tomato. Thanks for sharing this with the rest of jealous h00rs that we are.

    @jarkin33, I want to hear about your experience too! I'm not convinced that you "word vomited" all over Rob. You're way too sweet for that to happen.

  26. GreenPuma here (MaBarberElla's ficwife, ComicCon companion, and witness to the moment of disbelief when Ms. BarberElla drew the golden ticket). @MaB, I think you did remarkably well, considering the meager one cup of coffee you drank on just two hours of sleep and your breakfast of turkey jerky and trail mix.

    I don't blame you for not sniffing him. His bodyguard detail is frightening, so of course they didn't let you get close. When I sniffed Peter that one time, he was actually hugging me, and I had already flirted with his bodyguard and shared my organic crystallized ginger chews (I think he was into preggo chicks). And, at least you were capable of speech. When I got in the vicinity of Hot Bitch everything went in slo-mo. It was like imprinting. One way, of course :P

    As an aside, may I say that despite being up half the night in line that first night I COULD NOT SLEEP pretty much the whole weekend of ComicCon. It was like Rob's essence turned into airborne crystal meth. I was high for days...

  27. Awesome story!!! It was like I was right there in the room with you. Wait! Maybe I was. LOL!

    When TwiloveSue and I got a glimpse inside the room from the hallway and knew that they were in there for real, that's when it became hard to breathe. Walking along the line waiting our turn was a serious "Someone pinch me because this can't be real" moment for us. I rushed through Taylor's autograph (sorry!) so I could make sure I had more time to stare at Rob. When I stepped in front of him, I cannot believe actual words came out of my mouth and we had a conversation. Still shaking my head over it. I did an affiliate post about it over on Pattinson Post if anyone's interested, and I'll eventually get my shit together and post about the whole CC experience (we may or may not have been the second group in the camping line) on my blog. TwiloveSue has a post up on TwiBite too.

    Twitards definitely represented!!




Comments are our life now. Leave one!