Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Breaking Dawn Calendar, You Are Not My Life Now.

Like many things here at Twitarded, this post is loooong overdue. Maybe I have just been blocking it out; since I first saw it that one fateful day at Bed, Bath & Beyond, it haunts me at night... But I knew that sooner or later, I was going to have to face my demons. And you're all coming with me!

The abomination.
I am more horrified by this than the thought of Renesmee's impending toothy cesarean on the big screen.

I don't know what it is about the marketing/merchandising department at Summit... but they definitely have some deep-seated, disturbing grudge against Twilight... Maybe their S/Os left them for not being Edward-y enough?? Or perhaps they were dropped on their heads as children? Maybe they just think everyone looks better in a fun-house mirror? Honestly, I have no means of explaining how they can possibly ugly up all of these ridiculously attractive people YET AGAIN, so I'm just going to let the pictures speak for themselves. Mostly...

Oh PFach... I have met you in person and you are angelic... I don't know how much makeup and photo editing it took to make you look like a pissed off tranny who is watching someone chew on their favorite size 14 fuck-me pumps or who did this to you, but you should find them and be much meaner to them than Carlisle ever would be, because they totally deserve a major smackin'.

Apparently, this is October. My birthday month. Thanks for nothing! There is no explaining this smushed-looking face and flattened nose. It's Roid-ward - run! Also, can I just say how sick I am of button-down shirts??? Of all the liberties taken with bringing Stephenie Meyer's books to life, couldn't you have tinkered with THIS and made the wardrobe a little edgier? Ugh.

Worst. Haircut. Ever. And what's with the smokey eye and ridiculous makeup??
I've seen more subtle makeup on "Toddlers and Tiaras."

Speaking of wonky hair... What's with the straight-up-off-the-forehead thing going on here? It looks like a pile of sludge had crawled up her body and is attacking her scalp. And why does it look like they bought ONE color of hair dye in bulk  and dyed EVERYONE'S hair that same shade of brown???

Jacob's hair (and lipstick, for that matter) matches Bella's and Edward's and Emmett's...

...and other Edward's...

...and Esme's (who apparently is sharing the "tranny" look with her husband Carlisle)...

And Alice's... (who had a good haircut, for once, anyway - but has linebacker shoulders here)

Everyone except Jasper, really... Jasper just has on his best "What'chu talkin' 'bout Willis???" face.

Rosalie looks...good. But more "Desperate Housewife" than most beautiful creature in the world.

Somehow this looks more "The Sopranos" than "Twilight" to me...

Jacob's second, very-exciting "Look! I turned sideways for this one!" shot.

All of this actually made me pine away a little bit for this -

If you had told me that this was the high point in the whole shebang, I would have gotten stabby, but there you go.

So what do you think about the "official" Breaking Dawn images??? I don't even think I can bring this monstrosity into my house - looks like I'm going to be repurposing my 2010 Robert Pattinson Calendar AGAIN in 2012 - someone get me my White-Out, STAT!

I borrowed pictures from ALLLL over the place for this post - mostly ROBsessed, Cullen Boys Anonymous, and BreakingDawnMovie.org - thanks guys!


  1. The wolfpack nor the Volturi gets any true love.

  2. That's just disgusting! I really have no words.

    We should go to Snapfish and make our own fucking calendars.

  3. It's the worst thing I ever saw connected to the movies. Do they think people will want this in their homes? Srsly? So not buying anything that looks like this.

  4. As "Sam" in Twilight one would say..."Got that Right."

  5. lol

    Yes, I highly recommend making your own calendar. I drool daily over my personalized Rob calendar I made on Shutterly, not to mention the **cough** coffee table book I made as well. (You know, I need to check, but I don't think I used a single Edward photo in either of them ...oops).

    And I'm glad people are finally realizing the gem that was Twilight..um, yeah, told ya so...

  6. This was the funniest thing Ever! I'd ROTFL but the damn thing is so fugly I just can't...

  7. The only thing I was hoping for out of all the merch BD was going to have was a Carlisle doll. Now...I'm terrified that they might have made one. *shudder*

  8. It makes me want to run out and find an original Twilight calendar.I'm with the make-your-own plan.

  9. This fucking calendar has been pissing me off since I first saw it a few months back. I am so picking up what you're laying down sista!

    Bella: looks like she's 12 with a gap tooth

    Edward: well, I agree with the nose thing, doesn't even really look like his, but I do think he looks the best out of all of them, you know, in comparison.

    Carlisle: oh fuck a duck, he looks so awful, if I were PFach I would really have a lawyer go over my contract w a fine tooth comb to see if there was anyway I could sue. WTF did they do to him? It's a fucking disgrace and someone should at least be fired for it. Did they take a straightener to his hair? Since when did BigDaddyC have straight hair? His nose is huge too, and I don't think it's his either--perhaps they've been playing le switch les nez?? assholes

    Esme: meh, I can't get worked up about either her or Jacob, they don't look great and they don't make me want to throw bottles at the wall.

    Alice and Rosalie: they look way more scary than in prev flics, but in a way-over-air-brushed (you got it right) tranny way.

    Jasper: JHC, he's right up there w Carlisle for getting fucked by Summit on this one too.

    Well, I really can't spend anymore time on this, I've got fucking homework, but my god--WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ASSHATS DOING AT SUMMIT????

    Do you think it's TwiHate, or do you think they are just that incompetent. I've almost gotta roll with you STY, how could any group of people be that obtuse? Must be hate, and for that I say: FUCK YOU SUMMIT YOU SUCK MY SWEATY, I JUST WORKED OUT TWAT!!!

    While you're at it, why don't you just stop w the promo shit, finish the last movie, part deux, and let's just part ways...

  10. I saw this earlier today. It will never make it into my house. If it does become a Christmas present by some family member trying to do right by me, it will become kindling for my fire place.

    Fucking awful.

    That's all.

    The end.

  11. My thoughts in no particular order...

    1. Carlisle is by far the worse. WORST! He's like an ugly ass tranny with Jasper (circa New Moon-ish) hair. Foul. Just damn FOUL.

    2. Edward, I kind of like it...he looks mad, and like he might give me a spanking. Sweet. His hair is too dark though.

    3.Emmett doesn't look so bad, I like the smirk, I hate the cocaine chic make up.

    4.Bella = BRUTAL! Looks like she sniffed a wolfs sweaty balls, and her forhead is miles long. WTF is up with that hair? Really? Looks like a gawd damn hairball.

    5. Jacob...eh..

    6. Esme - Ummmm...am I at a tranny show? WTF?!?

    7. Alice...no no no, you look like Peter Pan's little gay lover boy...w/ big shoulders.

    That is all.

    xo J

  12. #1 should have two "worst's"..gah I was so pissed I was distracted!

  13. Hi...just found your cool website...I totally agree the calendar images are disappointing. Thank you for sharing them with us. You know, with all the money that these actors have made for Summit I'm truly amazed they didn't throw some at some better marketing materials for us die hard fans! These actors are truly beautiful and just don't need much help to pull off looking like our idea of the book characters. Summit needs to pull their heads out of their arses and give us a better deal!Just sayin...
    Twimom living in Burbank, CA aka: VV (Volturi Vel)

  14. That is so wrong what they've done to PFach. He is fuckhawt and looked good in the first movie, but it's been pretty bad ever since.

  15. @Twired Jen, your Alice comment made me snortle!

    Jeez, everyone seems to feel quite strongly about this, so I'll just throw my opinions in.

    Edward looks like he was a boxer in a past life, whose nose was broken repeatedly.

    Jasper looks like he's thinking 'wait, wasn't my hair blonde....? Scummit fuckers *growl*'

    The same hair dye was used for sure... Must've had budget cuts, coz you know these little movies aren't bringing in the dollars.

    I refuse to mention or think about picture number 2. I have thus far successfully blocked the trauma I suffered after seeing it the first time, & my mind just shuts down now when I see it.

  16. Awful. Just awful. I'm surprised they didn't just use a Sharpie marker to black out their teeth and draw horns on them. Seriously. This is just "how can we make these breathtakingly beautiful people look so bad even the most Twitarded fan won't buy this calendar?".

    I like Emmett's smirk. That is the ONLY thing that I like about this POS. PFach has a good case for slander, I think. Why does Esme have the slow mo wind blown hair effect? She's the "mommy" figure here. Bella's hair is a #%$&@!? Abomination. She is a teenager still right? Just cause she and Edward tie the knot does not mean she starts dressing like a nun.

    Summit's motivation? I can't imagine. Tired of making money? Passive/aggressive?

    BD better not suck as much as this calendar.

  17. Worst pics ever. They all look like shit. I'm actually embarrassed for them.

  18. REALLY???!!! They can't spend more than $8.23 on making a NICE calendar. Twilight's calendar was waaaaaay better. How am I going to get a decent BD t-shirt if this is what the calendars look like? I am not wearing anything like THAT! Looks like everyone will be making their own this year. I think the only way they are going to make money on this garbage is from non-twilighters (thinking they are being great friends) buying them for their friends that are twitards. EVERYONE - inform your non-twilighty friends not to purchase this for you. EVER. LOL!

    "What'chu talkin' bout Willis?" MAH AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

  19. I've said it a million times and I'll say it again. It takes a lot of effort to make a group of people who are that naturally good-looking into those ugly, plastic-y, creepy images. Summit appears to be up to the task. What is WRONG with them? Don't they watch Project Runway? They need to be *editorial.* Where is Tim Gunn <3 when you need him?

  20. Creepy definitely comes to mind. Why would they do that? It defies the imagination. I've thought from the first time I saw these photos that Bella looks like she's wearing a "bump it' in her hair. Everyone is hyper air-brushed into some half blind dim-wit's version of "ideal". And chronologically, it's only been what, like a year and a half from when Twilight occurred? What the fuck happened to everybody, Scummit? I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when they discussed these design decisions, eh? Who exactly are they trying to appeal to, anyway, in the fan base? I will not be buying this one either, sadly.

  21. @Rikki_DD "The only thing I was hoping for out of all the merch BD was going to have was a Carlisle doll. Now...I'm terrified that they might have made one." *cries*

  22. It is, without a doubt, the most horrid Twilight calendar EVAH!It's a sad, sad, day in Twitardia.

  23. I have yet to find a single person who isn't utterly disgusted with this calendar. It's seriously the most HIDEOUS Twi-promo article EVER in the existence of the franchise. In fact, I'm so repulsed, I think if I had to choose between this bird-cage liner and that creepy ass "Bella's Womb" thing on Etsy, I'd go for the uterus.

    Interestingly, @tatoomickey & I had a terrific convo with Peter Facinelli during our private M & G at Cincy TwiCon. We have all of the down-n-dirty news about that clusterfuck of a hairstyle and how he feels about it. We'll share the story in FORKS.


  24. @Mama Cougar -- Oooh, I loves me some story time!! Can't wait to get the dirt on Carlisle's (or is it Carly's) hair.

    I'm so disgusted by all the photos in this calendar, I almost want to buy one just so I can burn it in effigy. But then I thought about what else I can buy with that $14.99...like drinks. In Forks. For Mama Cougar and Tatoo Mickey to keep their whistles wet whilst they regale us with their tale of the tortured tresses.

  25. twired Jen
    all I can say is ditto
    not a decent pic among them

  26. Is this what we would look like if we were to look like we think a vampire would look?

    Makin my own.

  27. I'm looking at September 2010 Rob right now. This calendar is really a disgrace. I have nothing more to say.


  28. Why must they make Carlisle look like Ozymandias from the Watchmen movie? WHY?

  29. Sounds like it would be wonderful *snort* prize to raffle off in Foooorrrrkkkksss. just sayin'

    When was Carlisle in Spandau Ballet? All I could hear was "True" in my head when I saw that pic.

    Its a good thing we have the GQ's and Details mags to fill the gap that is left by Summit.

  30. Well it's unanimous: this calendar sucks sweaty, unwashed taint and we all know it!

    I don't have a crafty bone on my body but I'll be making my own calendar. Necessity it the mother of invention & all that...

    I might HATE the ever-lovin' crap out of this monstrosity of merch, but I FLOVE the comments you all left! Almost - almost! worth it. But not quite...

    Good to see some familiar names & some people who haven't commented lately (we NEED comments to live here, people!) - and Volturi Vel, welcome to the weirdest corner of the Twidom - we like it here. : )

  31. It's desperate - so so bad, words actually fail me. @Mamacougar, what I wouldn't give to hear that conversation in Forks! You lucky lucky so and sos :( wish I was going too.

  32. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonSeptember 8, 2011 at 11:37 AM

    Scummit: Killing expectations since 2008.

  33. @MyHeartGoesPitterPattinson


  34. @MyHeartGoesPitterPattinson - I was on a call when I read your comment and couldn't hit the mute button fast enough so everyone heard my snorting. ;)

  35. My Heart goes pitter pattinson

    That would MAKE an excellent T-shirt. Someone work that out and throw up on Cafe press!!

  36. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonSeptember 8, 2011 at 4:49 PM

    @Jenny Jerkface: Just returning the favor. There've been far too many inapprop Twitarded chortles escaping my mouth at work and/or other times I'm supposed to be wearing my mature adult face.

    @Tigerkitten36: You are right. Too bad I'm so fucking lazy. Someone on here once said they'd buy t-shirts of the name I use and I got about as far as creating an account on zazzle. Go me. Perhaps it's Summit's inability to even pretend to try rubbing off on me?

  37. Truly horrid calendar. One thing I've noted on all the promo photos of Bella: All of a sudden she has breasts! And these pics are before she's preggars, so that can't explain it. What, so now that she's married she has to look more womanly?

  38. I think I just threw up a little. It is soooooooooo bad. Carlisle looks like Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran. These stylists should be fired....or sent to The Capitol...oh wait, I am mixing up YA stories now. Fuck it.

  39. This comment has been removed by the author.

  40. @STY - seriously, you do not need to be creative to make a calendar on these sites. If you can upload a photo, you are set.

    You can make it as simple or involed as you want.

    Here is the my 2010 calendar. Do it!


    W/V: bitar "I'm bitter that stylists who suck at their big-money jobs get to keep them and we pay the price."

  41. Those posters, what up? Wait I think I figured it out.

    It's Dallas. The TV show. Southfork becomes Forks, with  those crazy newlywed pregnant kids,with Carlisle and Esme as mom and dad. The brothers and sisters are all living under the same roof. Exactly right.  It's Summit's idea of Edward and Bella starring in the Twilight version of Dallas. Which explains the Loretta Lynn hair. The family is all tightly connected, living under one roof.  If the opening shot is of an upscale trailer park I will take full credit for figuring this out. Between wardrobe and make-up, hairstyles, and family, this has to have been Summit's goal.


  42. I know I'm late on this, but every time I look at those BD calendar photos I just bust out laughing. They are so fucking bad! Seriously. Bad. Like someone had to make an effort to get them to look so bad.

  43. MY thoughts...

    "Jasper"... you mean, JACKSON?! WTF He's wearing his jackson necklace! That's not JASPER's! Jackson has worn that for the last year or so!

    Carlisle-you are so right-so tranny! He IS so sweet/angelic in person and wtf did they do to him? WTH!? He's supposed to be dreamy and what was it they said in Twilight... almost as beautiful as edward??

    Esme-wtf looks WAY too elizabeth reaser and way not esme... at ALL.

    Bella should just shave her head, it would look better.

    Agree with all, LOVED this post.

    Elusive S


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