Friday, September 16, 2011

Dear Fancy Shoes: Please Don't Kill Me.

I am here. Or possibly on my way to the ER.

By the time you read this, it may be too late.

On Friday evening, my company is hosting a gala at the fanciest country club in Fancyville. I got my fancy invitation in the mail a month or so ago (initial reaction upon seeing fancy, over-sized, Cullen/Swan-wedding-invite-worthy heavy paper envelope: "Who do I know that is getting married???"), and noted after reading the fancy script inside that the words "and guest" were nowhere to be found: S/Os were not invited.

Since then, I have taken to calling the gala "that stupid fucking thing that I have to go to on Friday night." The condescending meeting and emails from upper management about the fancy party have all had the same general gist: please don't embarrass us in front of our fanciest clients. [Sample "advice" - which has been plentiful: "Don't drink too much!" "Don't eat too much!" and my favorite, "Whatever you wear on Friday, just remember that you still have to work with these same people on Monday!"] I feel like I have to go, but frankly I'm a little outraged, and if I was a ballsier person who relished the idea of being on indefinite unemployment, I would have ordered my ballgown (it's black-tie optional) from the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog and that would have been that. Instead, I'm just hoping to avoid the sure-to-be upcoming meeting where they sit us down all etiquette-school style and teach us to courtesy and which fork to use for each course.

High neckline, full-length, lady-like gloves. Perfect!

In the meantime, I had to decide what to wear. At first I figured I would just wear something in my closet, and then as the day drew near and I spoke to a colleague who had gotten her gown from Rent the Runway, I decided that my kind-of-a-cocktail-dress was not fancy enough, and I needed to go buy something new. Then I came to my senses and remembered that I am flat broke, AND I don't see a lot of fancy black-tie galas on my social calendar in the future. Kind-of-a-cocktail-dress is new, so there's that.

When the going gets tough, the tough accessorize. So my goal would be to scour the interwebs and friend's jewelery boxes for the best way to gussy up my sow's ear of a dress. OK, it's not a sow ear - it's actually a really cute little thing from Loft (I have given up fashion-wise and have come to the recent conclusion that I will never shop anywhere but Loft ever again - it's like Garanimals for grown-ups!). It's not super-fancy - I could wear it more casually with boots and you might see it that way in Forks), but with the right pair of shoes, I figured I could make it work. But they had to be fancy shoes.

I don't really wear fancy shoes - the kind with sky-high heels - ever. I'm tall-ish, and while I don't have any particular aversion to height, I don't have an arsenal of heels at my disposal. But this look would require BIG heels. I'm a bit of a Nervous Nelly at events like this (I am considering it somewhat of a warm-up for Forks, only without all the hugging, booze, and profanity...probably), and when I know I am going to need all the self-confidence I can muster, I figure go tall or go home. Six-foot-plus Snarky is not a person to be trifled with, I'll tell you that much (unless you talk to her and realize she's an apprehensive mess).

After days of searching Zappos (it's a company event so this was ok to do on company time, right?), I found them: my fancy shoes. Based on the I-suck-at-math calculations I did in my head (or this may have been the booze talking), they seemed  to have the perfect ratio of height-to-platform-to-not-falling-over-ness. I think. Plus they are SEXY. I may have nuzzled them against my cheek when I took them out of the box the next day (thank you Zappos VIP and your free next-day shipping!) and was enveloped in an intoxicating cloud of new-shoe smell.

 The Precious. (No, not him...)

After I stopped fondling them, I tried on one shoe and hopped around the living room for a minute before taking it off and calling it a night. That one shoe looked GOOD. But frankly, I am worried for my ankles and possibly anything else breakable. I would wear pads on the fally-over spots but that might ruin the look and it would definitely defeat the purpose of wearing Spanx. Jenny Jerkface told me I should wear them around the house and do the dishes and stuff in them. This wouldn't work because 1) I would have to hunch over like Quasimodo to reach the bottom of the sink with these shoes on and 2) I am pretty sure if Mr. Snarky was around, I wouldn't be walking around too long before becoming...otherwise occupied (did I mention they are sexy?).

Update [this post was written in advance, obvs]: So I strapped these crazy contraptions to my feet and HFS I am in WAAAY over my head. They are higher than I expected (5 1/2 inches!!!). Apparently I thought I could just waltz off wearing major heels without any practice.

As I am prone to doing in times of need, I immediately emailed JJ in a panic:

STY: So I just put both of those high-heeled shoes on and I am in BIG trouble! I will have to wear these a LOT in the next 48 hours because right now I am stomping around here like a 6-year-old playing dress up. FML!!

Are props allowed at black-tie functions?

JJ: Just remember - swivel the hips. Like you're walking in a 8 circle. It's all in the hips (this is why i only wear 3 inch heels or less, jftr).

STY: Hips??? I need lessons! and possibly training wheels. and/or a walker and a cane.

JJ: Oh and just remember to take little steps too. Don't be tossing your gams out like they're fishing lines. And stand up straight. You better find your hips fast, woman. lol!!

STY: My entire body is in excruciating pain already and I have mostly been sitting down... fuck.

Remember how she clutched the back of his suit so she didn't fall over? Do you think he's free tonight?

STY: On a positive note, when I raise my hands above my head, I can almost touch the ceiling. So if anyone needs to change a lightbulb or get something off a high shelf on Friday night, I'm their gal.

Seriously? I may have bit off more shoe than I can chew. I don't think that there is any way I will be able to walk in these all night and not fall at least once. and this is not even taking into account the amount of alcoholic lubrication it's going to take to make me deal with mingling. Fuck. Did I say fuck already? FUCK!!!

When I go down, I'm taking some orchids with me. Mark my words.

This dance floor looks...not cushy. I have a feeling I may get cheek-to-wood acquainted with it.
Not sure what type of cheek, but either way, it won't be good.

I am in BIG trouble here people! {{{sniff}}} It's been nice knowing you all... Plant a tree in Forks for me. Preferably one with RPatts in it. I'd ask you for tips, but by the time you read this, I'll already have tottered off into the night... So let's just say you can leave your amusing high-heel anecdotes in the comments. It'll give me something to read in the emergency room. Toodles!

(Most likely this has already happened.)
(Image from here.)


  1. I don't do heels. I am currently pushing my boundaries with some cute "booties" that have maybe an inch. And I'd say I've never worn anything higher than 2" in my life. I value my ankles too much.

    But oh, there are some awesome dominatrix boots with heels up to there that I'd love to be able to wear...

  2. I need a pic of you in said Gala wear..I bet you are gorgeous..i only wear heals 3+ inches..but then again being 5.1 I need all the help I can get.. Hope you have/had a up some pics..

  3. I have no tips - I stick to shortish heels because I can't (yet) afford the high fancy ones (and my company is so broke there are no gala events to attend)! But I will think good, upright thoughts for you (not upTIGHT) - and drinking a little sometimes does help - it makes you stop thinking about falling over. Plus, if you're drunk, maybe they'll think that's why you fell over and not the heels. It could work.

    My w/v is "remene" which is waaaaaaay to close to Renesmee to not be mentioned. Happy Friday!

  4. Sorry, no good stories here. I've have 4 foot surgeries and my big toe on my left foot is actually screwed in (internallY)so I really cant bend it enough to get my foot into a heel.

  5. @STY--I'm going to draw colorful penises on your cast.

  6. Vegas + Halloween = hooker heels...looking back, I have no idea how the hell I did it. I haven't worn heels in probably 3 years and I'm sure if I put an old pair on that are in my closet, I will look like and sound like a bull walking around.

  7. Well I don't have any stories of heel-induced trauma, but I have several of alcohol-induced injuries that were made far worse by wearing heels. Like that one New Year's Eve where I went to get out of the taxi (Mom, I hope you aren't reading, but if you are - hey, at least I wasn't driving!) and launched my body out without actually removing my feet. Knees scraped, chin bruised... yeah. I wore heels a lot in college and thus ended up with many a scraped/bruised knee. But again, alcohol had a hand in this. The heels are innocent.

    It's too late now, but TK probably could have offered some good high-heel advice. Or... at least a sketch of the genitalia she's going to draw on your cast.

    Lastly, those shoes are HOT. Worth a blister or three, and maybe even a twisted ankle. Good luck!

  8. Like the fine ladies that posted before me, I don't do heels on a regular. I have thick legs from running and eating Totino's Pizza sandwiches (make 2 pizzas, smoosh them cheese to cheese = pizza sandwich) and I lack grace. But since you asked, here is the story of the last time I wore my CFMBs (Come f^k me boots)

    I spent over an hour getting ready, strapped myself into my over the knee black leather boots and galumphed to my car. I caught one of the heels on the last step, lost my spacial orientation with Earth, smacked into the fender of my car tits first, before rolling onto the ground. Then the contents of my purse rained down on me.

    So, when you get hurt at this shindig, is that work comp? I'd grab a drink, affect an I'm too hot to mingle look, pick a spot and set roots like a mutha f^kin' dandelion!

  9. *spatial orientation (I don't know if that was my phone or my hot dog fingers)

  10. I'm lucky enough to be able to wear sneaks every day. [It's easy if you never go anywhere nice!]

    But, I did buy myself a pair of come fuck me shoes as a pre-divorce treat. I wore them to our company "holiday" party. I sat down as soon as I walked in, and bribed my interns to run back & forth to the bar for me the whole time. Thank goodness it was only a luncheon. As soon as people began to clear out, I said my good-byes, clip-clopped to my car, and took those fuckers off before driving home!

    I have absolutely no idea how women wear 'em. I would have thought TK would give you some useful advice, but no. Seems like she is just itchin' to seize the opportunity to pour salt into your wounds! [TK - can you make it an uncircumsized peen please?]

  11. I love heels! Unfortunately I stopped working so my heels and business suits are sitting in my closet collecting dust. No stories about tripping here-I have my hips so walking around in 3-4 inches comes easy! Please post pics and a video so we can see how beautiful and elegant you look! Btw-the shoes look fabulous !!!

  12. OMFG LMAO at your Garanimals reference. Those commercials made me want to stab my eyes with a nail file for christ sake. Blah Blah Blah...Mom got me GARANIMALS!
    Shut the fuck up kid.

    Ok...anyhoo....You'll do fine. You're tall, gorgeous and a lot more confident than you think.

    Let us know how it went!

    xo J

  13. I love wearing heels even if I suck at walking in them so I have no tips. I have so many cute heels but my feet hate them after an hour or so. I wanna see pics of you all dressed up!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Death traps I tell ya, death traps! I'm going to a wedding in.. god I just checked the calendar 8 freaking days. I don't have a dress therefore I don't know what shoes I'm wearing but I'll need at least 3 months to practice.. why the fuck have I waited so long? And why can't "Stomping around like a like a 6-year-old playing dress up" equal classy? Cause I've got those same moves down pat!

    I hope your shoes don't kill you. You'll have to let us know you made it out alive and in one piece.

    PS: Was Rob free to hold you up all night? Tell him to call me, I'm gonna need someone in 8 days to make sure I remain upright for the early portion of the wedding... after that it's an Irish affair so we'll be trying to drink each other under the table. I <3 an open bar and my drunk ass family!

  15. I MADE IT!!! And I didn't fall over or even semi-stumble ONCE.

    Also, when I got there? That whole driveway you have to walk up??? COBBLESTONES. I think I may have made up some new curse words.But after that trial by fire, the rest of the night was easy-ish by comparison (vodka helped loosen me up for sure).

    : )

    You want to know what I REALLY struggled with all night? At least in the loo? Spank! Worth it, but jeebus crow it's like having a one-woman tug-of-war every time you have to pee.

  16. I like heels. I just don't get to wear them often because, while I can walk around a party in heels, I cannot walk a mile down a sidewalk with them.

    Glad you made it, STY!! I do have to admit I sorta laughed a little when I got your text about the cobblestones. {ducks out of way of flying stiletto}

  17. I've have come to this wonderful site for years ... & giggled and giggled! ... & also been jealous of the obvious friendships and good times that you guys share with each other!

    Thank you for the laughs and the awesome pic's (especially love the "impending doom" pic - I've personally left my DNA in/on just about every piece of concrete wherever I've traveled ... & sadly it normally happens in sneakers!!). I hope you had a wonderful wonderful time ... & I sure as shit hope you have pic's to share!!!!

  18. I meant SPANX!!! Damn you, auto-correct! Or maybe I did that - whatEVER.

    @Pumpkin - There's always room for one more in Forks - just sayin'.

    : )

  19. @Pumpkin - it's all one, big grand illusion. We all hate each other.

    @STY- glad you made it and I hope the heels were put to good use post event *nudge* *wink*


  20. I decided to buy some death traps for the Nashville twi con ball. Yeah, never again.
    Has anyone ever been to the grand ol' opry hotel? Have you seen the literal HILLS and cobblestone pathways you walk from one side of the hotel to the other? Well, let's just say I had to hold on for dear life to my bestie for the 15 minute walk.
    Once we got there before I had even had a drink, I actually got vertigo. yep.... only me
    Glad there were no disasters STY!!

  21. Those are really nice shoes. Just the sort I would buy for myself and then never wear. While I love high heels, I cannot wear high heels.

    I had a similar conundrum when I was bridesmaid at my best friends wedding. The perfect shoes were higher than anything I had ever worn. And the aisle we all had to walk down was in an old chapel with a cobblestone floor. After the first initial wobble I made it through the ceremony without incident.

    But you can be sure those fuckers came off at the reception ;)

  22. I stay away from skinny heels. That is my only advice. Especially when they are that tall.

    At my brother's wedding the shoes that my sister-in-law picked out for the bridesmaids had skinny heels & every step that I took walking down that aisle I sank into the grass. LOL! I almost face planted.

  23. Ahhh I love heels alas I can no longer wear them. Harumph

    Living viacriously through you.. and boy do my feet hurt ;)

    I would love a pic of you too all dolled up - I bet you looked incredible. Glad you survived too, Forks would not be the same without you.

  24. Those were some Hella-Gorgeous Heels. Sounds like all went well. You make me wanna go shoe shoppin RIGHT NOW! We want PIX, We want PIX.
    VV Volturi Vel


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