It's come to my attention recently - thanks to people sending me tips in a vain attempt to cure me of my near-debilitating over-packer-itis disease - that there are a variety of potential options when it comes to packing a suitcase. Start early. Plan ahead. Choose your outfits. Not to mention rolling, layering, stuffing everything in baggies - there are systems! - but tonight, I want to share mine with you all. You can thank me when you get to Forks and realize you remembered to pack booze but not underwear. It's all about priorities, commando girl.
Frankly, I am just thankful that some rocket scientist (or fellow over-packer) finally came up with the brilliant idea of putting wheels on suitcases. Because for those of you too young to remember what it was like to haul a 75-lb hard-case piece of Samsonite without wheels, luggage has come a long way, baby. Back in the day, I once personally almost caused an international incident on an escalator at an airport in Mexico. Because when you are carrying around a suitcase that weighs more than you do and get to the top of the escalator and realize that you are physically unable to lift it up and get the hell out of the way of the dozens of people closing in behind you, shit gets real.
There are approximately 1,326,511 videos on "How to Pack a Suitcase" on YouTube.
This is one of the better ones, but where does he keep all of his shoes and boots?
1,325,011 of them are boring people showing you their artful version of folding clothes; the other 1500 are of people who think it's cute to put their children in a suitcase and post it on the internet for people to laugh at (note: this is not that funny). There are teenagers, tweens, seniors, and everyone in between all dispensing advice. And the next time I need to fall asleep and don't have any relevant drugs handy, I will certainly watch one of these 5-to-10 minute snorefests. Seriously, I thing it's reasonably cool if you are a renowned world traveler and can live out of a carry-on suitcase comfortably for three months without ever wearing the exact same outfit twice, but honestly? Those zip-off cargo pants that become shorts, the all-purpose dress that you can wear while milking goats during the day and then pair with a jacket for dinner, and uber-sensible shoes all make me want to stay home.
Here's how I pack for a trip - try to stay with me, because this will be a fast tutorial:
You want to start by ingesting some alcohol. Pop open a bottle of wine, make yourself a cocktail, crack a brewski. Trust me, you are going to need it, and it will make the entire process so much more painless.
Booze is fine in the morning...
As long as you are using OJ as a mixer and are on vacation & stuff.
Also, this person REALLY likes purple.
Don't drink vodka in the morning too often, because it might cloud your decorating judgement.
You're going to want to wait until about twelve hours before you have to be at the airport to dig your luggage out of the basement or attic or wherever you store it. Scooch out the spiders, dust bunnies, and remnants of your last trip and prop it open in a central location.
Next, open your closet, drawers, medicine chest - anywhere where you store stuff that you plan on bringing.
Begin shoveling everything you own into the largest suitcase you own. Or the second-largest - I broke my largest suitcase years ago; it came to an end in a near-fiery blaze of glory with a broken zipper and my dirty underwear spewing out all over the luggage carousel at Newark International Airport.
Anyhoo, when the pile of crap in the suitcase reaches about thirty six inches above the top of the luggage perimeter, call it a day and begin stomping on it and forcing the zipper closed. When you cannot possibly fit even another Twitarded button or cute cocktail umbrella into the mix (you ARE bringing cute cocktail umbrellas, right? I've got the buttons covered...), you are done. Whatever else you need? Fuck it - you're not going to northern Siberia - if you forget a necessity (toothbrush, floss, your hangover remedy of choice), you can buy it when you get there. Probably.
And that's my tutorial. There you have it. I hope you have found it enlightening. Make that suitcase your bitch, people. But be nice to the zipper. You're gonna need it. Or there's always duct tape.
Share your packing tips and wisdom in the comments!
And now, please join me for a little Forks-y preparation PSA from Latchkey Wife:
For those of you who will be joining us in Seattle at the Rendezvous Lounge on Wednesday night, I'll be bringing along the name badge stuff/lanyards, so bring your fancy-shmancy name-tag inserts if you made one!
No need to sign up for this - just show up! But if you haven't signed up for Friday or Saturday night yet? Go HERE to get on board ($25 for one night, $45 for both - cash only at the door)! See you there - SQUEEEEE!!!